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Marriage 11 months prior to actual wedding

nascar02zpnascar02zp member
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in Second Weddings
I have an issue that I have been working on trying to figure out what I want to do and I am hoping for a bit of advice. My fiance and I are currently slated to be married on August 22nd, of 2014 and I am the Groom by the way. 4 years ago, my father was diagnosed with a rare form of Cancer which he has been battling but the battle has only been to extend life, not cure the Cancer as his form of cancer is terminal and there is no cure for and we have known that. Over the last few months, his health has drastically declined and has gotten even more worse over the last few weeks and it appears that his health is deteriorating at an exponential rate. We know now that he will not be able to make it to our wedding as we question if he will even be able to make it to this Christmas. My fiance has been extremely supportive of the situation and actually brought up to me a few weeks ago that if I wanted to get married early so he could be a part of our wedding, that she had no problem with it and I just don't know what to do. We cannot cancel or move our current wedding plans for next year as it is a destination wedding in Northern Michigan (we are from the Detroit, MI area) and we already have contracts signed and deposits down for the venue, band, photographer, etc.

I am questioning now what my fiance brought up with getting married in the next few weeks, just a small ceremony at my fathers house (or possibly a hospital room) with a few close family members only. I was curious if you feel that guests of the actual wedding which we would still have in August of 2014 would consider not going to the wedding or consider it a lesser meaningful ceremony because we would have been married for almost a year at that point? I want my father to be able to see me get married before he passes, but just don't know what to treat the ceremony in August then if I have one. Any advise anyone could give would be appreciated. BTW, both of our ceremonies would be done in front of the same judge as she is a friend of the family and I am Atheist and my Fiance is Agnostic.
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Re: Marriage 11 months prior to actual wedding

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    photokittyphotokitty mod
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    I would have no problem attending your event next August, but typically this practice is not well received on the boards - so brace yourself for possibly negative reactions. 
    I think you gotta do what is best or you as life is short - but this is my opinion and in no way am I stating it is the appropriate stance etiquette wise. (Etiquette would say to have the party but not treat it as a wedding - no cake cutting, no first dance, no exchanging of vows.)

    Good luck and I'm very sorry about your father's battle with cancer. Enjoy and cherish your time together!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
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    I totally understand wanting your father to be there. I'm very sorry to hear he has taken a turn for the worse. However, life sometimes throws us curve ball and part of being an adult is having to make tough, adult decisions. I personally feel that you should have your ceremony when you see fit, but you get one and only one. That doesn't mean you should cancel your other plans, though.  Host an amazing party next year- have a cake cutting, have dancing, have a photographer, but no ceremony, no tosses and no fancy wedding garments. You can dress up in a tux, and your wife in a lovely gown, but not necessarily a wedding gown. You can have people give speeches and you can have the pictures to rememeber the day! I think that is a fair compromise and I know anyone who thought they were coming to a wedding would obviously understand why it is no longer a ceremony and will be happy to still celebrate with you.

     







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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
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    I think in your situation, what you are suggesting is fine.  The event next year will be a vow renewal, since your wedding is  the ceremony at which you get married. 

    Do whatever items you want at the renewal, including all the hoopla.  Just be honest &up front with your  guests. 

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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
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    We were faced with a similar situation, and even asked my FIL what his wishes were.  He didn't want us to move up the wedding date or get married at his bedside.  In his view we were already married and living a happy life.  He passed away 5 months prior to our wedding day, and we carried on and were married on our day and with his blessing.  He had told my MIL that we were to carry on because we had all waited too long for this day. 

    So before you make plans to get married with him there ask him his thoughts.  You might be surprised at the answer you get.  

    But if the decision is to marry quickly because of your father's health then do not lie to your guests about the event in 2014. 
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    I understand you're going through something difficult here, but your "actual wedding" is going to take place on the day that you get married, not on the day that you have a party.  If your priority is to have him there when you actually get married, then do that, but don't reenact it later.

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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
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    grumbledore said:
    I understand you're going through something difficult here, but your "actual wedding" is going to take place on the day that you get married, not on the day that you have a party.  If your priority is to have him there when you actually get married, then do that, but don't reenact it later.
    I agree with the yellow, but I think this is one circumstance that allows for a more formal event (vow renewal) at a later date. 
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    right1thistime said:
    grumbledore said:
    I understand you're going through something difficult here, but your "actual wedding" is going to take place on the day that you get married, not on the day that you have a party.  If your priority is to have him there when you actually get married, then do that, but don't reenact it later.
    I agree with the yellow, but I think this is one circumstance that allows for a more formal event (vow renewal) at a later date. 
    Any wedding allows for a vow renewal down the road, although doing a vow renewal 11 months after a wedding is beyond ridiculous - 10 years, sure.

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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
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    So, in my opinion, do overs because we couldn't possibly wait to save the money, and we had to get married right away because we are in love and I don't want my mother telling me I can't move across the country to be with him and if I do I won't have health insurance so we HAVE to be married right NOW don't warrant a renewal in 11 months.  That's entitlement. 

    But planning a wedding you want in the future, when you have saved for it and intend to do it just once--but then a tragic circumstance happens, and in order to have an important person with you, something different has to happen?  To me, reasonable. 

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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    MikesAngie said: We were faced with a similar situation, and even asked my FIL what his wishes were.  He didn't want us to move up the wedding date or get married at his bedside.  In his view we were already married and living a happy life.  He passed away 5 months prior to our wedding day, and we carried on and were married on our day and with his blessing.  He had told my MIL that we were to carry on because we had all waited too long for this day. 
    So before you make plans to get married with him there ask him his thoughts.  You might be surprised at the answer you get.  
    But if the decision is to marry quickly because of your father's health then do not lie to your guests about the event in 2014. 


    OP, I am sorry for your situation.  Many engaged couples have the potential to face difficult or tragic circumstances during their engagement.  The only difference in your case is that you know about your hardship.  I think it is best to continue with your wedding plans, and forego any "rushed" wedding for his sake.  There are ways to carry his presence to your wedding next year.  Use this time you have now to share with him some of the things he might like to see at your wedding.  I'm sorry you are all going through such a difficult time.  
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    doeydodoeydo member
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    edited October 2013

    grumbledore said:
    I understand you're going through something difficult here, but your "actual wedding" is going to take place on the day that you get married, not on the day that you have a party.  If your priority is to have him there when you actually get married, then do that, but don't reenact it later.
    I agree 100%.  You can't get married then have a "real wedding" later on.  Your real wedding was the day you and your FI became husband and wife. ETA spelling
    image
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    right1thistime said:

    So, in my opinion, do overs because we couldn't possibly wait to save the money, and we had to get married right away because we are in love and I don't want my mother telling me I can't move across the country to be with him and if I do I won't have health insurance so we HAVE to be married right NOW don't warrant a renewal in 11 months.  That's entitlement. 

    But planning a wedding you want in the future, when you have saved for it and intend to do it just once--but then a tragic circumstance happens, and in order to have an important person with you, something different has to happen?  To me, reasonable. 

    No.  It's the same.  Bad things happen all the time.

    I was engaged when I was 23 years old.  We planned the wedding we wanted and then found out after those plans were made that my fiance was being deployed to Iraq.  We pushed our wedding date up 2 months, none of our friends and very little of my family were able to be there.  It was sad, but it was our choice to get married sooner.  We didn't have a do-over later, we just lived with our adult decision.

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    RubyGirl2014RubyGirl2014 member
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    You could also have a small commitment ceremony with your Dad at his house.  That way you still will have your actual wedding at the time it has been planed and you don't break any rules.  I have been to one of those in this situation and then attended he real wedding on the date planned. 
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    cideficidefi member
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    If I were in this situation, I would say screw being proper!! Etiquette has its place, but sometimes it just has to be let go of and this is 1 of those times. You are losing a parent, and I think everyone of your guest would understand why you went ahead and got married. As suggested, you could turn your planned wedding day into a vow renewal with all the bells and whistles. And maybe include through a video a dedication to your father and his legacy. My point is take this time to be with your dad. If you want him at your wedding, then have him there. Don't worry about being proper right now. Focus on loving your father.

    I'm so sorry that you even have to face this. Many blessings to you and all your family ~
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    jessa2904jessa2904 member
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    If your friends and family don't understand that you want your father to fitness this happy occasion for you and you have a small personal ceremony at this critical time in your life when your not really into celebrating well then shame on them. You need to do what's right for you. Many people who have destination weddings get married and then come home and have a big party b/c people couldn't travel. I like the idea of the commitment ceremony and then the renewing of the vows. My cousin wanted to get married in a catholic church but you can't do that on a sunday so she got married at her rehersal on a saturday and then renewed her vows on sunday at her actual wedding and no one thought that was odd or go offended. You need to do what is right for you and your family but make sure you talk to your dad and see what he wants you to do. GOod luck to you and your family. Cancer sucks
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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    jessa2904 said:
    If your friends and family don't understand that you want your father to fitness this happy occasion for you and you have a small personal ceremony at this critical time in your life when your not really into celebrating well then shame on them. You need to do what's right for you. Many people who have destination weddings get married and then come home and have a big party b/c people couldn't travel. I like the idea of the commitment ceremony and then the renewing of the vows. My cousin wanted to get married in a catholic church but you can't do that on a sunday so she got married at her rehersal on a saturday and then renewed her vows on sunday at her actual wedding and no one thought that was odd or go offended. You need to do what is right for you and your family but make sure you talk to your dad and see what he wants you to do. GOod luck to you and your family. Cancer sucks
    image
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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    cidefi said:
    If I were in this situation, I would say screw being proper!! Etiquette has its place, but sometimes it just has to be let go of and this is 1 of those times. You are losing a parent, and I think everyone of your guest would understand why you went ahead and got married. As suggested, you could turn your planned wedding day into a vow renewal with all the bells and whistles. And maybe include through a video a dedication to your father and his legacy. My point is take this time to be with your dad. If you want him at your wedding, then have him there. Don't worry about being proper right now. Focus on loving your father. I'm so sorry that you even have to face this. Many blessings to you and all your family ~
    No, no, no.  Yes, everyone would understand if they "went ahead and got married".  But then they are married.  Period.  The couple needs to make a choice; ONE choice.  And encouraging anyone to turn their wedding or "renewal" into a memorial service with videos and dedications is just poor advice.  
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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
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    edited October 2013
    I know it's hard not to have an important loved one at your wedding. My father had passed 11/2001, and my DH's dad passed 11/2010.  We had thought about moving the wedding up to allow for my FIL to be there, but he didn't want a bedside wedding because he didn't want to be remembered that way. We did not make our wedding a memorial or even have anything read about those who had passed.  We did have pictures on a mantel over a fireplace, they were family shots and our engagement shots.  We did a mother/son dance that turned into a MIL/SIL, MIL/DIL dance and it was beautiful because we understood the meaning and everyone else thought we were just being silly! 

    Please do not turn your wedding or renewal into a memorial the day is meant to be joyous and a celebration of creating a new extended family.  There are plenty of days to mourn the loss of those who have passed.  The days before the wedding we all shed tears for the Dads who would not be in physical attendance,  They were there in the hearts and minds of those who knew them and what our day would have meant to both of them and in the end that was enough. 

    I'm sorry that this became a place for people to bicker about what they think is appropriate for you, only you and your fiancee know what is correct for both of you. I told you more about how we handled it and why, to perhaps help you sort things out. 

    Once again in the long run it's up to you, your fiancee, and your family.  I hope this helps.
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    Kerigirl9Kerigirl9 member
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    edited December 2013
    Etiquette is one thing and unfortunate and tragic circumstances are something else entirely. If you want to get married now so that your father can witness it, then do it. If you then want to have a big party with a cake and dancing and photographs later... then do it. You can't redo your vows because you will already be married but I would say to go ahead and do anything and everything else. Dress formally if the venue calls for it. Cut the cake together. Give speeches. Do a "first dance" to open the dance floor. 

    Etiquette will tell you that this is wrong, according to the "rules" it's not proper. But then there is that little something called the heart. Sometimes you have to follow your heart. Just make sure that your guests are aware that they are not attending a wedding. They are attending a celebration of your marriage. 

    Bottom line? Etiquette isn't everything. There are exceptions to every rule.
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