Brothers Wives as Bridesmaids?

jhermack · December 2013

My fiance and I both come from large families---which is making the bridesmaid selection a bit tricky. I am definitely planning to ask my fiance's two sisters to be bridesmaids. I also have several very close friends that I want to stand by my side as bridesmaids. I'm the only girl in my family and am having a tough time deciding whether or not to include my three sister-in-laws. (One has been in the family a long time, the other two are getting married this year). I would love to include them but already have quite a large group. Also, I am not very close with any of them. I thought about possibly including the one that is closest to my age...but feel that would be rude to include one and not the others. Sidenote: they have all asked me to be a bridesmaid in their weddings. I don't want to offend them by not asking them but really don't know what to do. If I don't make them bridesmaids, I will ask them to have another special role in the wedding and still include them in everything. Any advice would be very appreciated!!

SP29 · December 2013

The bridal party is a decision to be made solely by the bride and groom, for their respective sides.

I do realize that in a lot of families, bridal party members are often chosen as a way to honour family, BUT you should be asking the people in your life who mean the most to you to stand up beside you. You are under no obligation to ask all 3, one but not the others, or none at all. The best advice on this topic I have ever heard is to pick the people who you would call up at 3am if you needed to bury a body.

I considered asking FSIL to be one of my bridesmaids, but then decided against. Love her! but I wouldn't call her up at 3am and wanted to keep the bridal party small (I have a MOH and one bridesmaid). We are asking her to perform a reading during our ceremony.

jhermack · December 2013

Thank you so much for the response! You had great advice and it always helps to hear an opinion from someone uninvolved.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

It sounds like you don't really want to ask them but you're feeling like you should because they're your SIL and FSILs. If you're not close with them, it doesn't make sense to ask them. Its an honor for them to attend as guests. Keep your BP as is.

cruffino · December 2013

I asked my FSIL because my FH and FMIL wanted me to. I only had 2 bridesmaids so I didn't mind asking a third. With a large group already, 3 additional can get unruly fast.

I would ask them to do something during the wedding like do a reading.

SomethingBeautiful08 · December 2013

Just because they asked you doesn't mean you need to ask them. If you are not very close to them, don't. They will still probably end up in pictures because they are family, you can buy them a corsage if they wanted, you could even arrange the processional / recessional to have them walk with their spouses if you wanted, they can still attend or even help plan showers / bacholorette party(s) if they want to. Think about it this way, you just saved them from buying a dress that they may or may not have liked.

melbelleup · December 2013

If you don't want them, don't ask them. My brothers and I all made a pact during my oldest brother's wedding that we'd have each other in our weddings. TBH, I love the fact that we did. My FSIL (brother's fiance) will be having 6 girls on her side, me and my SIL included. I guess how I view it is they will always be a part of my life. My friends might not be. But I've also known my SIL since I was in 8th grade and my FSIL I've known for 4 years now, though we're not close.

clarke10 · December 2013

Certainly don't ask SIL's and FSIL's out of obligation. I am very close with my FSIL, along with my SIL and my younger brother's girlfriend. My choice to include them in my wedding has nothing to do with family relations but with how close we are as friends.

Since it sounds like you aren't super close with them, I would leave them out. You can ask them do to a reading if you want to include them.

doeydo · December 2013

jhermack said:

My fiance and I both come from large families---which is making the bridesmaid selection a bit tricky. I am definitely planning to ask my fiance's two sisters to be bridesmaids. I also have several very close friends that I want to stand by my side as bridesmaids. I'm the only girl in my family and am having a tough time deciding whether or not to include my three sister-in-laws. (One has been in the family a long time, the other two are getting married this year). I would love to include them but already have quite a large group. Also, I am not very close with any of them. I thought about possibly including the one that is closest to my age...but feel that would be rude to include one and not the others. Sidenote: they have all asked me to be a bridesmaid in their weddings. I don't want to offend them by not asking them but really don't know what to do. If I don't make them bridesmaids, I will ask them to have another special role in the wedding and still include them in everything. Any advice would be very appreciated!!

Then don't ask them to be your BMs. Your BMs should be the women (or men) that you are closest to and want to be standing up with you on your wedding day. Also, your FI's sisters could stand on your FI's side and be grooms-ladies/grooms-maids/whatever you want to call them if they are closer to him than they are to you.

Inkdancer · December 2013

The women in my bridal party are my four closest friends. Choose the people you can't imagine not seeing on your wedding day.

marshmallow1982 · December 2013

Its not traditional to have your brothers' wives as bridesmaids however it is traditional to have your fiance's sisters. Therefore I would not feel like "they asked me so I have to ask them".

Jen4948 · December 2013

marshmallow1982 said:

Its not traditional to have your brothers' wives as bridesmaids however it is traditional to have your fiance's sisters. Therefore I would not feel like "they asked me so I have to ask them".

That isn't traditional either. There is no rule that requires one to ask family members to be bridesmaids. Not doing so might cause family issues, but those are not etiquette issues.

AddieCake · December 2013

I don't see how having large families is relevant, as it is not a requirement to invite family members to be in the wedding.

marshmallow1982 · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

marshmallow1982 said:

Its not traditional to have your brothers' wives as bridesmaids however it is traditional to have your fiance's sisters. Therefore I would not feel like "they asked me so I have to ask them".

That isn't traditional either. There is no rule that requires one to ask family members to be bridesmaids. Not doing so might cause family issues, but those are not etiquette issues.

I didn't say it was a rule I said it was a tradition, which is probably why they asked her rather than because she was close to them.

LisaA2014 · December 2013

I considered my brothers significant others and then did not ask them. Relationships are too unpredictable. I chose friends I'm very close to and my sister and my fiances sister. True story. I asked my uncle's wife (seems weird but I'm close in age with both her and my uncle). It turns out she had been cheating on my uncle and stealing money from his business and giving it to the dude she was running around with. She defriended me on the FB and blocked me, yet still expected to be in the wedding. I recommend close friends and kin, you never know what will happen.

hellohkb · December 2013

Personally, I am keeping the wedding party family only. My BMs are going to be my sister (MOH), my aunt, my cousin, and my 2 future SILs. However, it seems like you do not really want to ask them. If you don't want to, don't! There are other roles they can play in the wedding. I think asking them to do a reading is a nice idea.

jdblnn · December 2013

Don't ask unless you want to. Only suggestion is that I would make a bright line rule that applies to all to avoid offending someone. Asking FI's sister (as they did with you), in my opinion, is a little different than asking in-laws, so I wouldn't feel obligated.

Have them involved in other ways such as readings, usherettes, or you could invite them to get ready with you. I would also suggest, if you feel comfortable, invite them to the showers/bach party(ies).

Jen4948 · December 2013

marshmallow1982 said:

Jen4948 said:

marshmallow1982 said:

Its not traditional to have your brothers' wives as bridesmaids however it is traditional to have your fiance's sisters. Therefore I would not feel like "they asked me so I have to ask them".

That isn't traditional either. There is no rule that requires one to ask family members to be bridesmaids. Not doing so might cause family issues, but those are not etiquette issues.

I didn't say it was a rule I said it was a tradition, which is probably why they asked her rather than because she was close to them.

No, it's not a tradition either. There is no requirement, whether it's labeled "rule" or "tradition." One does not have to ask family members to be in one's wedding party.

AddieCake · December 2013

marshmallow1982 said:

Jen4948 said:

marshmallow1982 said:

Its not traditional to have your brothers' wives as bridesmaids however it is traditional to have your fiance's sisters. Therefore I would not feel like "they asked me so I have to ask them".

That isn't traditional either. There is no rule that requires one to ask family members to be bridesmaids. Not doing so might cause family issues, but those are not etiquette issues.

I didn't say it was a rule I said it was a tradition, which is probably why they asked her rather than because she was close to them.

Whose tradition?

MrsDeRuyter87 · December 2013

I do not get along with my FSIL's all that well so I did not ask them to be my BM's. Since my FI is very respectful of family, instead of leaving them completely out he asked them to escort him down the aisle before the WP processional since his mother is being escorted by a close family friend.

kasasr1024 · December 2013

If you're not close with them, there's no necessity to ask them to be BM's. You could ask them to help in another way if you're worried about them not feeling included (guest book, help with organization, etc.)

AddieCake · December 2013

Kschaefer90 said:

If you're not close with them, there's no necessity to ask them to be BM's. You could ask them to help in another way if you're worried about them not feeling included (guest book, help with organization, etc.)

Please don't do this. Having someone tend the guest book (Really? People need help with signing their names?) is a crap job. Helping with organization? That's what you pay a wedding coordinator for, not ask your guests to do for free. I was once "included" by being asked to cut the cake at the reception. This did not make me feel at all included, trust me. I hated it, and here I am still knocking it over a decade later.

Not everyone can be in the wedding, and people just need to get over that. If you're not close with people, there is NO NEED to have them be part of your wedding. Just being a guest is an honor in itself.

MandyMost · December 2013

AddieL73 said:

Kschaefer90 said:

If you're not close with them, there's no necessity to ask them to be BM's. You could ask them to help in another way if you're worried about them not feeling included (guest book, help with organization, etc.)

Please don't do this. Having someone tend the guest book (Really? People need help with signing their names?) is a crap job. Helping with organization? That's what you pay a wedding coordinator for, not ask your guests to do for free. I was once "included" by being asked to cut the cake at the reception. This did not make me feel at all included, trust me. I hated it, and here I am still knocking it over a decade later.

Not everyone can be in the wedding, and people just need to get over that. If you're not close with people, there is NO NEED to have them be part of your wedding. Just being a guest is an honor in itself.

While I TOTALLY agree with this. However, I do think you are able to include them in a lot of pre-wedding stuff without being bridesmaids. The job of the bridesmaids is to wear the matching dresses and to walk down the aisle and stand there, and to be a part of bridesmaids pictures. But you SILs can still be invited to all the pre-wedding stuff! Showers, doing planning stuff, bachelorette, getting your nails done the day before, getting ready that day, getting their hair and makeup done too, etc. Also, as your brother/brother-in law's significant others they'll obviously be invited to all the family stuff, like the rehearsal dinner.

Brothers Wives as Bridesmaids?

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