Dress is a gift-- budget?

JCbride2015 · December 2013

I never thought I would be in this situation, but my grandmother unexpectedly offered to pay for my dress. The rest of my family is not financially able, or just not interested, so it means a lot that she is so excited. We have exchanged a few emails and I showed her my Pinterest board with favorite dresses on it. She replied in an email today:

"What do you think is a good budget without getting tooo crazy? The last dress was [my aunt, married 15 years ago] and we had a it made. Don't recall what the dresses from the bridal shops cost. I watchSay Yes to the Dress all the time. Is it pretty close? You could drop in....."

I am not really comfortable telling her what to spend. But I am sort of afraid if I don't give her input, she will stay wishy washy and I won't have a good idea of how to shop. Obviously if her frame of reference is Say Yes (and I do live in the NYC area), she has a fairly generous amount in mind. In fact, it sounds like she might want me to "drop in" to Kleinfeld for the dress. Grandmother is well off and has the means to give whatever she thinks is appropriate. For reference, before I heard of the gift, my personal dress budget was about $3k, but widely flexible depending on what I end up loving.

I'm just not used to any kind of financial generosity from family, but it seems to me I shouldn't suggest a budget-- she should decide what she's comfortable with. And now that she's asked, I'm not sure how to handle it.

Kauris · December 2013

Can she go with you? My mom offered to buy my dress and she went with me to all of my appointments, she didn't want to tell me my budget for some reason. She just discreetly told each sales person her budget while I excused myself to look at accessories.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

She lives OOS and she said she doesn't have to be there with me, she just wants a lot of pics. I told her I'd her to come if she can, but it's a lot of travel for her. So I'll be shopping without her. I guess that means we need to work out specifically how to pay at the register, too, but that's an issue for when we're actually shopping.

MariaBend25 · December 2013

i second kasmith1's opinion Take her with to all your appointments. Go to the local boutiques and a David's bridal and if you fall in love with a dress in a reasonable price range (you probably have your own ideas of a reasonable price if you had to pay for it yourself) she can buy it, or you can pitch in the rest of what sh is willing to spend if it is out of her range. But she gets an opinion. You can even narrow thin down to your top 5 dresses or so, and let her pick the final one taking cost into consideration. Just by shopping with her she will start to see the price ranges of dresses and can then judge how much she wants to chip in. Gooduck!

natswild · December 2013

also, you might be able to skype from the shop, too

misssunshine17 · December 2013

What do the dresses that you like cost? I would start there. I would also ask for a hard number and say that if you go above that, you'll pick up the rest of the cost. I would hate to have her say 2k but you end up with a 4k dress and she feels like she has to pay it.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

Thanks everybody. As I said above she can't come shopping, but I like the idea of Skype or video-call to show her as I'm trying on. @alisonmarie658: yes, I don't think that would happen to me, but I guess nobody ever does, right? But I know my personal budget was sort of high, so I'm worried I'll tell her that number and it will be rude.

ktjanesmom · December 2013

What a sweet grandma you have. I love posts like this.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

ktjanesmom said:

What a sweet grandma you have. I love posts like this.

I know, she was so cute when she told us she wanted to do it, too. She took me and Fi aside at T-giving and they both got teary! I had this whole other issue of how to tell my mom (who is a financial basket case but fantasized that she could buy the dress), but fortunately Mom was just happy when I told her Grandmother had offered. I'm lucky to have people who care so much. But I have been mostly financially independent since age 17, so I'm really not used to receiving money from family or talking about money with them.

melbelleup · December 2013

kasmith1 said:

Can she go with you? My mom offered to buy my dress and she went with me to all of my appointments, she didn't want to tell me my budget for some reason. She just discreetly told each sales person her budget while I excused myself to look at accessories.

This. My mom bought mine, she always wanted to and saved since I was born.. I never knew this until my oldest brother actually told me (not my mom). I asked her what the budget was before we went dress shopping and really neither of us knew how much wedding dresses were. She wouldn't tell me the budget. But, she went with me so was able to keep an eye on the budget too. I ended up with a $1,000 dress, still needs altered though.

photokitty · December 2013

My dad bought my dress as a wedding present. It actually made me spend less bc I wanted to be smart with his money. The dress I though I wanted was $1800, but I wouldn't spend that. Then I fell in love with a $800 dress online. Went to the store and got one waaaay less.

I wouldn't try on anything you would be willing to personal spend on a wedding dress. If you would spend it then you can cover any overage. But it would look really bad if you picked out a $3K dress and grandma said she was thinking $1K and then you weren't willing to pay the other $2K.

That's is super sweet of her!! GL and have fun picking!

JCbride2015 · December 2013

photokitty said:

My dad bought my dress as a wedding present. It actually made me spend less bc I wanted to be smart with his money. The dress I though I wanted was $1800, but I wouldn't spend that. Then I fell in love with a $800 dress online. Went to the store and got one waaaay less.

I wouldn't try on anything you would be willing to personal spend on a wedding dress. If you would spend it then you can cover any overage. But it would look really bad if you picked out a $3K dress and grandma said she was thinking $1K and then you weren't willing to pay the other $2K.

That's is super sweet of her!! GL and have fun picking!

This is why a pre-set budget is key, since she can't travel (it's a two-day drive or expensive flight for her) to come shopping with me.

I'm thinking about emailing her this:

"As for budget, I'd feel more comfortable if you can tell me what you think is appropriate, and I'll work with that. I haven't been shopping yet so I haven't actually seen dresses in different price ranges. If Kleinfeld is what you're picturing, I'd love to do that (I watch the show too!), but there are lots of less expensive bridal shops out there."

mommapizano · December 2013

I would ask her what she feels comfortable spending and go from there. I realized that people have vastly different ideas of cost but I would think your grandma has a realistic idea since she mentioned Say Yes to the Dress. My dress was $2800 with my veil, belt and tax. My sister spent $1200 on hers (granted this was 15 years ago) and my Dad thought dresses were like $500. My mom watches Say Yes to the Dress and thought $5,000 was average.

My husband paid for my dress and he gave me a max budget, which I was able to stay within. Also, he was able to call in his credit card to pay over the phone and he just had to send an authorization email. When you do shop, keep in mind accessories and alterations cost. Even if this is something you pay for yourself, it can add up.

Having a set budget is key because if not, you may try on dresses and fall in love with something that you can't afford. One consultant put in me a dress $750 over my max budget and it was really sad because I did like it a lot but I decided to stick to my budget and ended up being in love with my dress.

OnceUponSnow · December 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

I would personally work within my personal budget as much as possible. I would honestly tell her what you were originally planning to spend and she how she responds.

I definitely don't mean this in a snarky way, but we've seen lots of people say "this person offered to pay for this and now they can't, what do I do?" and if God forbid something did happen, you don't want to have spent that money elsewhere. This is just a cautionary reminder for everyone and I hope this doesn't happen -- you can always spend that money once the balance on the dress is $0.

I think the same.

Inkdancer · December 2013

I think the email you drafted sounds great.

My mom paid for my dress as a surprise to me, but didn't tell me she was doing so until I was wearing the dress and had decided it was the one. It's a very generous gift, but it's a delicate conversation to have.

thelastdreamer · December 2013

I think your email sounds good. If she still refuses to give you a flat out number, tell her that you were originally thinking around 3k, and that if that is too much you appreciate her generosity to pay whatever portion she is comfortable with and you'll cover the rest.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

I sent her a version pretty close to the above email-- she said she's going to do a little research on what dresses cost and get back to me. Fine by me, as long as I have a number by the time I go shopping. I just really didn't want to dictate to her what to spend, so I feel better after telling her I'd rather not do that. Thanks for the suggestions, everyone!

Dress is a gift-- budget?

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