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Dealing with unwanted attention

angelhands7angelhands7 member
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So, this is my first post ever on these blogs. I have been dating a man for almost a year, and he has a plan on how he's gonna propose. Like how it should be, he's not telling me anything, and plans on surprising me. I have been very patient, as I have no problem waiting. I love him, and I'm very devoted to him, as he is to me. The problem is something that has been happening as of late. I regularly participate in activities in my church, and have been attending it for almost 3 years. I am now in a class there, and it started last week. In the class, there is a guy who has a massive crush on me, and even though he agreed to respect my bf and I, I'm still feeling awkward and uncomfortable. He has some annoying facebook habits as well, such as incessantly posting on my fb wall, commenting and liking most of my statuses, and chatting with me every single time I get online. Any advice anyone? My bf knows all about this, and plans on defending me if this ever escalates into sexual harassment or stalking.
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Re: Dealing with unwanted attention

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    skepticalsskepticals member
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    If he is able to see your wall and talk to you, is he on your friends list? If he is, I would suggest deleting him, and blocking him if possible. Show him that if he feels the need to push you to this, you will react. If that does not work in making him back down at the church group, I would inform the leader of the group that he has been making you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps they will have some advice, and at the very least they will be aware of the situation and able to intervene if he tries anything funny.
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    Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 member
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    Yeah, I don't understand why you haven't just blocked him.
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
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    I'd just block him.
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    angelhands7angelhands7 member
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    I blocked him, and told the leader of the group. I'm asking that he is moved to the other class, because I have college on the other class period. I probably shouldn't get out of the class if he is the one bothering me! It kinda pisses me off actually.
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    500days500days member
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    It sounds like you did the right thing by blocking him on FB. I would inform the leader of the class and see if there is any way to directly tell this guy that you do not feel comfortable with the level of contact going on. This guy sounds pretty persistent and it needs to stop.
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    Maybe it's because you didn't put enough information in your post but asking for him to be removed from the class seems like an overreaction to someone being annoying on FB.


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    angelhands7angelhands7 member
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    That is true, so I decided just to remove myself.
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    CASK85CASK85 member
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    Doesn't seem like the kind of behavior I'd expect out of a church-goer on his behalf. I think you've done the right thing so far. Have you told him to his face that his behavior is bothering you and he needs to stop?
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    CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
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    I agree with @bethsmiles, he's being annoying but I don't think you have to worry about stalking yet. Just tell him to his face what's bothering you and what you want him to do about it. You don't need to be mean, but you need to be very real that he is making you uncomfortable. And yeah, blocking him on FB was also a good move.
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    loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
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    Is it really unwanted attention if you're FB friends with him and responding to his chats?

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    phiraphira member
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    I actually think that this guy is already showing behaviors of a stalker, although not to such an extent that I'd say he was already stalking the OP. He clearly doesn't understand the concept of boundaries.

    OP, I'd basically block him on every platform--any social media, ignore his texts/emails, whatever. If he approaches you in person, keep the conversations very short and offer up no info about the details of your life. If he gets upset and asks why you've been ignoring him, you can be kind and firm and honest: "I was very uncomfortable because of how much attention you're giving me, especially on social media. That is why I have been ignoring you. I need my space." And then walk away.
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    phira said:
    I actually think that this guy is already showing behaviors of a stalker, although not to such an extent that I'd say he was already stalking the OP. He clearly doesn't understand the concept of boundaries.
    Idk...liking someone's status/pictures on facebook takes barely any effort. It shows up on your newsfeed and you click. And if the OP was responding to his chats (as opposed to him constantly sending her messages she doesn't reply to) I don't see why he would think he was being annoying.

    Like I said before, it sounds like OP may be leaving out some info but from what she actually posted it seems like an overreaction.


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    phiraphira member
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    I've known people who've been harassed through social media in similar ways. Like, liking EVERY status and photo, constantly IMing.

    Additionally, if she had previously responded to him, it's not like she knew that he was going to have so much trouble with boundaries. I do think that she should NOT respond to him if she still is.
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    phira said:
    I've known people who've been harassed through social media in similar ways. Like, liking EVERY status and photo, constantly IMing.

    Additionally, if she had previously responded to him, it's not like she knew that he was going to have so much trouble with boundaries. I do think that she should NOT respond to him if she still is.
    Yeah but she didn't say he was liking EVERY status and photo just most. I get its annoying, I get that she wants him to stop but I also think that she could be overreacting.

    I had a friend who had a guy from her church group who was doing what OP described. She blocked him on FB and told him that he was making her uncomfortable with all the attention. It stopped. IF OP does all of that and then it continues I would say she has a problem but right now given what she said I just don't see it.


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    psychbabe314psychbabe314 member
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    Jeez, that really sucks! You seem to have taken the right steps, removing yourself from contact and the situation. I would probably just sit back and watch the situation if I were you. If you keeps bothering you, then I would tell him that he is making you uncomfortable (just like others have recommended).
    Unfortunately, some guys don't understand the difference between being friendly and flirting. When I first started working for my company my supervisor finally had to tell me to stop being so friendly to customers because it was causing issues for me. It is strange how a big smile, a friendly "hi, how are you today?" and asking them about the job they are working on can lead to the idea that I want to go out for drinks/sex/etc. You would not believe some of the weirdo's out there...
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    bride2b71614bride2b71614 member
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    This is such a shitty position to be in. Maybe OP is over reacting, maybe there is more to the story than we know, but the behavior of this guy is a bit strange (saying he respects the relationship she has with the bf then continues to do this?).  If it were me, I would block him (his phone number, block him on facebook, block him on email settings, twitter, any form of communication via electronics do it) and attempt to set boundaries through different avenues (you told him that you have a bf and he states he respects the relationship but really doesn't). If you are still having problems after blocking him maybe you can talk to the supervisor and explain your concerns. Maybe the person in charge could create general boundaries for everyone (to not single him out at first), and talk to him personally.  @Phira, I agree with you that he is showing some small tendencies as a stalker, but he would only be charged with harassment in the second degree because he has not threatened/does not express the intention to "hurt" her (in NY state they only consider violence towards you or bodily harm as threatening), and has not reached out to her friends saying he would pose bodily harm to her. OP Before you block him tell your friends that you are blocking him and then ask them to tell you if he confronts them.  Make sure to print out the facebook conversations, the comments (likes don't count, because anyone can show up in the newsfeed as @bethsmiles said). If he's called a lot, keep your phone records as well as any texts. These types of things can be hard to prove if you need to get the cops involved, so its better to be safe than sorry. I hope things clear up, and that his behavior stops. Good luck. 
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    I do agree with @bride2b71614 - If you do feel like this is or will escalate to stalking then you should start documenting things now.


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    angelhands7angelhands7 member
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    Thank you, everyone for your advice! I told my fiance as soon as these things happened, and now this lover boy is leaving me alone. Good news is that a couple days ago, my boyfriend became my fiance, and we decided on a year and a half engagement before the wedding. :)
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
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    Congratulations!
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    CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
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    Congratulations!
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    Congratulations!
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    Congrats :)


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    blabla89blabla89 member
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    Congratulations to you and your FI! I hope that the situation with other guy is resolved for good.

    If you plan on hanging around NEY (even though you're engaged now) you should make an intro post and tell us all about yourself, your proposal, etc.
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    psychbabe314psychbabe314 member
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    Congratulations!
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Congrats!
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