Chit Chat

Is it rude to get married before your engaged friends?

McCMalMcCMal member
10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
edited December 2013 in Chit Chat
So my fiance and I are farmers, so we are trying to schedule our wedding around crops. Best fit that isn't December of next year is June. But we have some friends who've been engaged since the start of this year, and they are getting married the end of August next year. So we would get married before them. 

I'm just not sure its in good taste. But there really isn't any other time that would be convenient for our work. We just got engaged and I am between a rock and a hard place. To make it worse, I have three friends in this area because I am not from this state, and she is one of them and I was hoping to ask her to be a bridesmaid... 

Opinions? 

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Re: Is it rude to get married before your engaged friends?

  • Nope!  They get one day, you get one day.  It doesn't matter who gets engaged first.  You need to schedule your wedding when it works for you and your VIPs.


    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • It is not rude. There is no rule saying you have to get married in the order that you get engaged.
    doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • What about asking her to be a bridesmaid? I can't get over the feeling that I'd be kind of rubbing it in her face some how, but that's not what I want to do. 

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  • @BuckarooChaser

    I think asking her to be a bridesmaid is fine. I do not think that would be rubbing it in her face at all. If she doesn't feel comfortable with it then she can always politely decline. It never hurts to ask. She is your friend and you want her there with you.
    doeydo
  • They get a day, you get a day. People pick those days based on what works for them. FI and I have gone to friends' weddings who got engaged after us. No big deal. We didn't even blink. That's what happens when you have a longer engagement. 

    If she gets upset about this, she's being ridiculous and rude. 
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    melbelleupdoeydoPrettyGirlLosthlvonb
  • Not rude at all.
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  • It's not in bad taste. Get married whenever you want.
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    PrettyGirlLosthlvonb
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's not rude at all. Pick a day that works for you. 
    hlvonb
  • AprilH81AprilH81 Columbus, OH member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    As long as it isn't the DAY before a friend gets married (although technically that isn't rude either) you are completely in the clear.

    Get married when you want to.
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    hlvonb
  • Don't plan your life around someone else's schedule. It's not rude at all. Anyone who throws a fit about it can shove it.
    hlvonbhellohkb
  • As long as you're not scheduling your wedding on the day of a friend's wedding (and know that if yours is only a week or two after theirs, they might be honeymooning and not able to attend yours) you're fine.
    I'd ask her to be a BM if you're close, too.  If she thinks adding being in your WP would be too much, she can decline.
    hlvonbhellohkb
  • KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche Ridin' the Zebra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    Unless you're in a Bride Wars situation, I think you're safe. And you can absolutely ask your engaged friend to be a bridesmaid - just remember that she's well within her rights to decline (as is anyone else you ask), and if she does, don't take it personally!

    Edited because grammar
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    hlvonb
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Yes, this is fine. 

    I have to admit I had a twinge of Bridezilla inside me when this happened to me.  Fi and I are having a 2.5 year engagement, so it was bound to happen.  His little brother is the one beating us to the alter.  We've been together over ten years and I've seen FBIL through a ton of train wreck GF's, and Fi and I like to think our stable relationship has been a good model for the younger sibs.  So it makes me a little annoyed that he's getting married first.  But this was all internal, because I realize how ridiculous that is to be upset about.  I'm crazy about his Fi, and they are in a good life position to get married sooner-- I had my internal annoyance and would never have said anything to them.  I think it's Fi who's actually more annoyed, since he's the **Eldest Child** and all.

    So, it would be horribly rude for your friend to actually say something to you about wanting you to wait-- when to get married is absolutely your choice.  Just keep in mind she might be slightly bummed internally, so it can't hurt to tell her how excited you are for her wedding and keep alert for hurt feelings.  You sound like a very caring friend to even worry about this, so I'm sure it will be fine!
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    hlvonb
  • It's not rude.  You each get a day for your wedding, and there's no rule that says people must be married in the order they were engaged.  Happy planning!
    hlvonb
  • Not rude at all! There's a few months in between. You are totally in the clear.

    I personally think it's easier if you try and get at least 2 weekends before/after, but even if it's just 1 weekend away, it isn't rude.
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    hlvonb
  • My sister and her fiance were supposed to get married in October of this year, in September, right before I got egaged, they decided to push it back a year.  So, now we are getting married 3 weeks before they are.  She seems totally okay with it.  I know that it will be an expesive year for her, so I found a job that she can do to still be in the wedding party, but she doesn't need to pay for the dress of being a bridesmaid.
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    hlvonb
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    My sister and her fiance were supposed to get married in October of this year, in September, right before I got egaged, they decided to push it back a year.  So, now we are getting married 3 weeks before they are.  She seems totally okay with it.  I know that it will be an expesive year for her, so I found a job that she can do to still be in the wedding party, but she doesn't need to pay for the dress of being a bridesmaid.
    I hope you're talking about a reading or something else that really honors her, not just asking her to help with something but not be a bridesmaid.  What is so expensive about being a bridesmaid?  If you respect her dress budget, it shouldn't cost her any more than being a guest.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    KeptInStitches[Deleted User]hlvonb
  • She is going to be our hostess, so she is able to wear something that she already has.  And, she is NOT a dress girl anyway, so it works for her.  I don't want her to have to buy a bridesmaids dress when she already postponed her own wedding for financial reasons.
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    hlvonb
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    She is going to be our hostess, so she is able to wear something that she already has.  And, she is NOT a dress girl anyway, so it works for her.  I don't want her to have to buy a bridesmaids dress when she already postponed her own wedding for financial reasons.
    I've never heard about this before-- what is a hostess?  I'm genuinely curious.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    hlvonb
  • DH and I have two friends who got engaged before DH and I even met each other. They got engaged in July 2012, we met in August 2012.

    At one point, when we were all hanging out, the bride to be had had too much to drink and said to her FI, 'We have been engaged since before HisGirl and HisGirl's Then-FI even met! They have a wedding date and wedding plans, why don't we?!'

    He said, 'Because you can't make up your damn mind about what kind of wedding you want, and until you do, I'm not making deposits on anything.'

    So, yeah, that was awkward. 

    Otherwise, I agree with PP -- everyone gets one day and no one gets to judge anyone else's timeline.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    hlvonb[Deleted User]SKPM
  • We had the exact same issue! Didn't want it during winter-in WI-and couldn't have it during harvest/planting seasons. Decided on a date about one month before a friends wedding who was engaged before us and 2 months before a close cousins wedding. Nobody was even concerned about the date choice, especially once we explained why we choose the date we did.

    hlvonb
  • hlvonb said:
    It is not rude. There is no rule saying you have to get married in the order that you get engaged.
    That's like saying siblings have to get married in order they were born...(which unfortunately some families think this) which is just ridiculous.

    It is not rude at all. Even if you picked the same date, it's not rude at all. Any couple is entitled to get married on any day they would like. Whether it's a random day you picked or a day it actually means something.
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    hlvonb
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    It's not a race.  You get married when you get married.  
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  • Personally, I wouldn't mind.  I picked my day because it has special meaning to me and my FI, so as long as my friends aren't getting married on the same day I can make it work.  If she is a close friend (which I assume she is because you want her to be in your wedding) she will probably be very excited for you and supportive.  I would just make sure to not get offended if some of her wedding plans need to come before yours.  Having a supportive friend in this process who is going through the same stuff can be a blessing. 
    hlvonb
  • Not rude.  I have a friend who got engaged over a year ago and they have not even set a date.  I'm getting married in August partly because we work in schools, so like you there is a certain time of year that works for us and we don't want to wait a whole extra year! 

    Just don't steal any of her favorite ideas (eg if she wants a certain wedding song, unique idea, venue, etc.)
  • Mitch617 said:
    Not rude.  I have a friend who got engaged over a year ago and they have not even set a date.  I'm getting married in August partly because we work in schools, so like you there is a certain time of year that works for us and we don't want to wait a whole extra year! 

    Just don't steal any of her favorite ideas (eg if she wants a certain wedding song, unique idea, venue, etc.)
    I disagree. If you and she both happen to love/want a venue, just because she booked it first doesn't give her "dibsies" on it. Same for colours, songs, flowers, etc. Each wedding is unique, regardless of how many similarities they have to other weddings.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    CLI242009hlvonb
  • I agree with the other people on this post. It's not rude at all especially if you sit her down and explain why you are going with the date you are. 
    hlvonb
  • Not rude for a true friend.  I'm having a 4 year engagement.  Nobody better wait for me!  lol
    hlvonb
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