Moms and Maids

deleted discussion.

rmueller89rmueller89
25 Love Its 10 Comments
member
edited November 2013 in Moms and Maids

this has been deleted.

Re: deleted discussion.

  • I need help. My mom hasn't been a bit thrilled about my wedding- although she says she's been dreaming of this day, her actions don't show it. She never congratulated my fiancé when he said he was going to ask me to marry him, she only said she was happy when she saw how happy I was. She offered to pay for our honeymoon, then one month later acted like it never happened. She said she was going to have a shower for me in November with her side of the family, then said maybe Jan (which my wedding is Feb 15). She said she would address my invitations, I dropped them off to her Oct 30, she said she'd have them ready by Nov 10. On Nov 10, I asked if I could pick them up the next day & she said "I told you I'd have them done this week" again, changing what she said. I then went to pick them up and did them myself. She hasn't made any effort to be there for me emotionally. She makes comments at times saying, I hope this is your only marriage. She's been married & divorced 3 times. She dates around constantly. Not the best role model, so I don't take her advice about relationships EVER. My fiancé & I decided, with her behavior & thoughts about marriage, we don't think it's appropriate for her to bring some random date to our wedding. She just started dating someone a couple months ago, who I don't approve of AT all. Now she says, he's been looking forward to the wedding as long as everyone else, he views me as his daughter... it's all just SO messed up. I don't want this guy in our pictures, even in the background when I know 2 months later it's going to end. It's very unfair. When I talked to my mom about it, she said I need therapy & he's coming. I said he wasn't invited and I don't want him there. She said he's coming anyway. What do I do now? I am so hurt that my mom hasn't cared a single ounce about me & what an important day this is in my life. I need my mom. Not just her to be there and entertain a date who won't know anyone, but her to be there in presence of the celebration. I'm becoming someone's WIFE for crying out loud. I want my mom to be happy, I do, but this is my day. When she hasn't held her end of anything, why should she get to pretend like this is her day too. I'm sorry if I sound like a "bridezilla". I'm in no way anything like that. Just very hurt.


    **Stuck in box:

    I'm sorry your mom isn't being responsive to wedding planning. I would not ask her to do anything else or keep her up to date since it doesn't sound like she particularly cares. 

    As for the date, she is your mother. You should have allowed her a date from the beginning since she is in a relationship, but that boat has sailed. You are going to put a huge wedge between you if you don't let this go. This gentleman does not need to be in your pictures. Include him in one to appease her and keep it moving. You need to grow up about this or you risk damaging your relationship with your mother. 

    hellohkb
  • If she has a boyfriend, you have to invite him.  If she is truly single, you don't have to give her a +1, but i would if i were you, given that she is your mother.  I'm in the camp that says all VIPs should at least be offered the opportunity to bring a date.

     

    Stop including her in the wedding plans - if she's not paying for anything, and she clearly isn't interested, you're just putting yourself in a position to get more hurt.  She's not into weddings; not everyone is.  You and your FI need to just plan your day without her input.  Side note: maybe FMIL wants to be more involved?  Smight by more excited than your own mother is but a little shy about inserting herself into your plans - you could use this as an opportunity to get closer to her, if she is interested in assisting you.

     

    About the pictures, he doesn't have to be in them.  Take one picture with you, FI, your mom, and him, an that's it.  They're not married, he doesn't have to be in family pictures if you don't want him to be.  However, if they ARE married by then (or engaged - she's been married a lot before, so who knows what will happen here) he should be included.

    doeydohellohkbs-aries8990
  • I need help. My mom hasn't been a bit thrilled about my wedding- although she says she's been dreaming of this day, her actions don't show it. She never congratulated my fiancé when he said he was going to ask me to marry him, she only said she was happy when she saw how happy I was. She offered to pay for our honeymoon, then one month later acted like it never happened. She said she was going to have a shower for me in November with her side of the family, then said maybe Jan (which my wedding is Feb 15). She said she would address my invitations, I dropped them off to her Oct 30, she said she'd have them ready by Nov 10. On Nov 10, I asked if I could pick them up the next day & she said "I told you I'd have them done this week" again, changing what she said. I then went to pick them up and did them myself. She hasn't made any effort to be there for me emotionally. She makes comments at times saying, I hope this is your only marriage. She's been married & divorced 3 times. She dates around constantly. Not the best role model, so I don't take her advice about relationships EVER. My fiancé & I decided, with her behavior & thoughts about marriage, we don't think it's appropriate for her to bring some random date to our wedding. She just started dating someone a couple months ago, who I don't approve of AT all. Now she says, he's been looking forward to the wedding as long as everyone else, he views me as his daughter... it's all just SO messed up. I don't want this guy in our pictures, even in the background when I know 2 months later it's going to end. It's very unfair. When I talked to my mom about it, she said I need therapy & he's coming. I said he wasn't invited and I don't want him there. She said he's coming anyway. What do I do now? I am so hurt that my mom hasn't cared a single ounce about me & what an important day this is in my life. I need my mom. Not just her to be there and entertain a date who won't know anyone, but her to be there in presence of the celebration. I'm becoming someone's WIFE for crying out loud. I want my mom to be happy, I do, but this is my day. When she hasn't held her end of anything, why should she get to pretend like this is her day too. I'm sorry if I sound like a "bridezilla". I'm in no way anything like that. Just very hurt.
    I can understand being hurt by her lack of enthusiasm and sticking to her word when she said she'd help out. It sounds like you really want her to care more, she's not living up to your expectations and it's creating significant disappointment for you.

    However, if she considers this guy her SO, it's against etiquette not to invite him and you may cause more issues than helping an already broken situation (which you've stated you want to get better). 

    To the bolded - yes, you are getting married. But it's also everyone else's day - your officiant's day, your BM's day, all your guest's day, your vendors' days, and, yes, your mother's day. It's not fair to hold the "it's MY day" to get what you want or try to control a situation you don't like. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    doeydoSKPMhellohkb
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    Your mom's BF should be invited by name on her invitation.  They are a couple and need to both be invited together, whether you like it or not.  You will only alienate your mom further if you do not invite her BF.  Tell your photographer ahead of time that mom's BF only gets to be in a few photos, not all of the family photos.  Your photographer should be ready to deal with crazy family dynamics.  And if your mom and her BF break up prior to your wedding, but after invites are out.  You can then hold firm with your mom she gets no plus one.

    And, are you hosting your own bridal shower? That's againast etiquette, but if invitations are out, there is nothing you can do now.

    Just stop talking about the wedding with your mom.  Perhpas her 3 marriages have given her a jaded view of marriage/weddings in general.  You shouldn't need support during wedding planning and if you do, you should be leaning on your FI, it's his wedding too.  If you need to bounce ideas off of people, ask us!  We love weddings! 

    I'm getting some first hand experience with the mom and new boyfriend situation.  MIL just met a guy 8 weeks ago and they are already planning to move in together.  So I know where you are coming with this guy seeing you as a daughter.  My MIL's bf is already telling my H and BIL that he wants them to be like his sons - it's kinda creepy so early on in knowing someone.  But don't push back at your mom too much, you will push her away from you.  You don't have to like him, but at least be cordial to him.

    doeydo
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    Her lack of enthusiasm and some of her comments suck, but you don't get to decide if she gets a date or who that should be. This is your mother, and you're going to tell her she can't bring the guy she is dating? Is this really the hill you want to die on?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    doeydo
  • No, I am not hosting my shower. My mom was supposed to, then decided she didn't want to. I probably should have mentioned they've only been together for 1 month & 1/2 & I've met him 1 time.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    It doesn't matter how long they've been dating. If your mom thinks of him as her boyfriend, you should invite him to the wedding. He should be seated with your mother at the ceremony and the reception. Let your photographer know the situation so the man doesn't end up in all the family photos. If your photographer is professional, it won't be the first time he's dealt with these sensitive family issues.

    I'm sorry your mom isn't excited about your wedding. She may be preoccupied with something, like her new boyfriend, or she may be worried about your upcoming wedding because of her own track record. You should make a few appointments with a therapist for both you and your mom. An objective counselor may be able to help your mother understand why you are feeling abandoned.

    I'm sorry she dropped the ball the invitations and especially the shower. Don't trust your mother with any wedding related duties.

                
    OliveOilsMomhellohkb
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    Your mom is acting like a b!tch, but unfortunately you do need to invite this guy if she considers him her BF-no matter how long they've been dating.

    Beyond that, you don't have to take photos with him, have him walk you down the aisle, or otherwise act like he's your father-just treat him as a regular guest.  And don't expect anything more from her of a positive nature-even if she makes promises.  Just plan without her input-and her money.

    Despite the comment about therapy coming from your mother, you might tell her, "Sure, mom, if you'll go with me to a therapist for  some sessions together, where the therapist hears both sides of our story, I'll be happy to go."
    rmueller89
  • Look at it this way, if your mom has a date at the wedding, she will be occupied and out of your hair. As for photos, if she shoves him into a picture or two, don't worry, that's what proofs are for.  Those pictures don't have to be part of your album and you don't have to buy those prints.  My MIL shoved her then-husband into a dozen shots.  If you look at my album, he was never at the wedding.
    MairePoppyBubblegum5586
  • Okay- I hear what you're saying- but no he will not be sitting in the front row with my mom at my ceremony.
  • Clearly- I can't change anything. She's bringing him against my wishes. He won't be in any family photos- those are for FAMILY. And he most certainly will not be sitting in the front row with her- even my dad's girlfriend of 3 years won't be sitting in the front row with my dad. I keep with traditions. Things are not how I want it- but the important thing is my marriage. This post really was for me to vent. Thank you for all your thoughts- but I think if you all knew her, you'd see things a little differently.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    I don't think anyone here tried to justify your mother's attitude. We've heard plenty of stories about difficult relatives, including mothers. So I don't have to know her; I believe you.

    That said, it's rude to split up anyone from their date, even your mom, even if she's awful and rude and you're angry with her. It's not traditional to seat divorced people together, although that's fine if they choose to sit together of their own free will.
                
    hellohkb
  • Clearly- I can't change anything. She's bringing him against my wishes. He won't be in any family photos- those are for FAMILY. And he most certainly will not be sitting in the front row with her- even my dad's girlfriend of 3 years won't be sitting in the front row with my dad. I keep with traditions. Things are not how I want it- but the important thing is my marriage. This post really was for me to vent. Thank you for all your thoughts- but I think if you all knew her, you'd see things a little differently.


    this is weird.  it is not a "tradition" to sit your divorced parents next to each other in the front row of your ceremony without their actual SOs.  It looks like you're trying to pretend that they're still married.

     

    either sit everyone with their dates in the front row, or sit, for example, your dad and his GF in the front row and your mom and her BF in the second row.  My dad is literally married to the woman he cheated on my mother with, she and my mother will not meet until the day of my wedding.  my mom is clearly not thrilled, but is an adult, and dad will be sitting next to his wife at the ceremony.  I haven't decided whether to put everyone in the front row or mom's family in the front row and dad's family in the second row...but i'm not going to split up couples, because that's extremely rude.  Your parents' SOs don't need to be a part of the formal procession, but they do need to sit with their dates.

    hellohkb
  • Well my parents are still best friends everyone. They talk all the time- it's a good relationship.
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    It's still not appropriate to separate them. Hypothetically speaking, it would be like if you and an ex were forced to sit together, apart from your current SOs.
  • My parents are divorced and still best friends. Since I am Jewish I had both my mom and dad escort me down the aisle so that meant my stepmom and stepdad walked in together and when they sat down (since we didn't really practice that part) my dad and step mom ended up on the outside of my mom and step dad. But it was a 20 min ceremony so it never seemed like a big deal.
    image


    Anniversary
  • Clearly- I can't change anything. She's bringing him against my wishes. He won't be in any family photos- those are for FAMILY. And he most certainly will not be sitting in the front row with her- even my dad's girlfriend of 3 years won't be sitting in the front row with my dad. I keep with traditions. Things are not how I want it- but the important thing is my marriage. This post really was for me to vent. Thank you for all your thoughts- but I think if you all knew her, you'd see things a little differently.
    I think your attitude in the bolded is a really healthy way of thinking. Keep this in the forefront and breathe. All other stuff does not matter. :)

    It's actually not tradition to separate SOs (your dad from his gf, or your mom from her bf - sorry to call him that I know it's touchy). Whether they're married or not, they don't get separated. In other words, if you had same-sex couples who weren't/couldn't marry, you wouldn't use "well they're not married so it's fine" as an excuse to separate them. I honestly think you're reaching on this one. Just let them sit together. Think of your attitude "we are getting married and nothing else matters". Keep repeating it yourself and roll with it.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    rmueller89
  • I can't believe you would even dream of doing this to your parents. You also sound like your treating your mother like a child. 

    I wouldn't dream of telling my mother she had to sit by my father, her ex-husband, because I think she's got bad taste in men and I want my wedding to look just perfect (which it wont BTW, because I'm sure people will think it's awkward to have them sit apart from their S/O's). This is not a hill to die upon. 

    If you hate this man you're mother is dating so much, don't invite her. Then her date wont have to be at your wedding. 
    image
    NYCMercedesKeptInStitches[Deleted User]
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    A wise woman once asked, "Why ask for an opinion if you're going to not even listen and just do what you want?."

                
    [Deleted User]hellohkbdoeydo
  • Clearly- I can't change anything. She's bringing him against my wishes. He won't be in any family photos- those are for FAMILY. And he most certainly will not be sitting in the front row with her- even my dad's girlfriend of 3 years won't be sitting in the front row with my dad. I keep with traditions. Things are not how I want it- but the important thing is my marriage. This post really was for me to vent. Thank you for all your thoughts- but I think if you all knew her, you'd see things a little differently.
    The fuck?  That is a real dick move, OP.
    image


    Wedding Countdown Ticker


    MairePoppydoeydoSKPM
  • auriannaaurianna
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited November 2013
    It is not for you to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship; especially your mother's. It doesn't matter if they've been together a month and a half or a week or a day. If she says he is her partner, she is, and he should be invited. A polite hostess does not split up her guests from the other half of their social units.
    And by February, they will have been together for nearly 5 months. I have a friend that was engaged by 4. Your mother's boyfriend should be invited.

    And he should sit with your mother at the ceremony. He's your mother's partner. If you want her in the front row, let him sit there as well. Are you seating your mother formally in the procession? Just let her boyfriend escort her then sit down with her.
    And not letting your father's girlfriend of THREE YEARS sit with him in the row? That's ridiculous. They are in love and committed to each other. A wedding is about celebrating love. How is separating your father from the woman he loves "traditional?" It's not.

    Separating them serves no purpose. If your parents are in the front rows with their partners, nothing happens. The wedding gods don't come down and blast you for having some unmarried couples in the front row. The photographer doesn't shoot picture after picture after picture of the front pew. Keeping them apart accomplishes nothing, except making your parents' partners uncomfortable by making them sit next to possible strangers at your wedding, and making your parents' partners and your parents feel like you disrespect their relationships.
    You lose NOTHING letting them sit in the front row with your parents. If you lose nothing, why risk coming off as petty and a bad hostess?
    hellohkb
  • auriannaaurianna
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited November 2013
    double post
  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    member
    edited November 2013

    this has been deleted.


    Clearly the discussion was not deleted. By changing the title of your discussion, you are only drawing readers and posters to immature behavior. We still have your quoted posts.
    Yup drew me right in!

    Sitting your parents dates away from them as other PPs said is pretty rude. You are trying to force a show of them sitting together. This will take focus off of the important things and also single out your parents and their dates. If I saw this at a wedding I would think you were a brat.

    doeydo
  • Just so everyone knows.... my mom and the guy broke up. Thanks for all the support!
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    OP - it is rude to delete your post.  It could have helped out many other people who only lurk on these boards.  You were also quoted, so deleting it was pointless.

    Are you still planning on sitting your dad away from his GF?  That's still rude, FYI.

    Blue_Bird
  • Just so everyone knows.... my mom and the guy broke up. Thanks for all the support!
    I doubt that. It's far too convenient.
    image
    AddieCakeBlue_Bird
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards