Brothers vs. Sisters (Vent)

psychbabe314 · December 2013

My mom treats her boys better than the girls. I know she loves me, and would do anything to help me but... there feels like an obvious preference towards her two sons vs. me and my sister.

My sister wanted to join dance, my mom made sure she knew how it inconvenienced her.
My brother wanted to join Jiujitsu and my mom makes sure that she will be home on time to drive him 1/2 and hour to his class.
I got a C in a class last semester and my mom was upset and told me I should have done better. My brother failed high school (it took him an extra 1 1/2 years to get his diploma online) and my mom blamed his teachers
I ask my brother to behave properly during Thanksgiving dinner because it was the 1st time that my family and FI's family met. Dinner went well, but my mom was upset that I had been "rude" when I asked him to refrain from certain things he does.

Geez. It really creates tension between the boys and girls when my mom does stuff like this. She does it for me and my sister too though. I sometimes feel like the odd child out because I was nothing like what my mom wanted. She wanted a girly-girl who wore pink and did her hair and make up everyday and talked about boys, etc. and she got me. She has my sister though. The girly-girl, pink, boys, ballerina, shopping daughter that she wanted. I like shopping now. I can go with her, but I know she gets annoyed because sometimes I will try things on and buy absolutely nothing all day vs. my sister and her will have bags from every store we visit.

This vent came up because of a box I was going through. It had all of the rewards that I won during 4H for horseback riding. My parents never came to a single one of my shows and those ribbons still bring up a lot of hurt feelings. My mom is afraid of horses and I have always loved them. My dad doesn't like them either. I was so excited during my last year showing because I was going to go to the Championships that next weekend because I won my class. I ran into the house to tell my dad and his reaction was "So what does that mean." and I responded "It means that I get to go to the championships next weekend" and he rolled his eyes and said "great, another week of this fucking horse stuff". Of course, my dad is not mentally stable, but the words still hurt. I asked my mom to come to the championship show and she never showed up. I placed 8th in my class that day out of 24. I was so proud of myself, but I can't even bare to look at those ribbons.

Yet now, my mom has told me several times that I NEED to attend my sisters dance recitals. Or come watch my brother's jiujitsu classes to support them. It gets hard and I try and suck it up and go but I just feel as if... I don't know... as if I am the child that is less cared about in a way.

Sorry! I know it is a long vent.

Blackbird230 · December 2013

I'm so sorry girl.

That sucks.

One thing i can relate to is the horse issue actually. My mom was scared of horses. It took me until middle school to get her to let me have lessons, even though she let my sister have lessons when she was in 2nd grade. My mom never came to a show and never cared. She was glad I was passionate about something, but I always felt cast off whenever she would drop me off at the barn. My dad, however, loved the horses and would feed whoever I was riding carrots or treats and even brush them.

psychbabe314 · December 2013

@Kait - So you know exactly what I am talking about! My mom made a point to try and get me into something else because riding wasn't a real sport/passion. It was a hobby.

Blackbird230 · December 2013

@psychbabe314, Oh my mom shoved me back to dance when I fell into a wall and broke my helmet.

To talk sibling favoritism though too, FI's brother is the golden child. His parents didn't know they could have kids so when they had his older brother, he was the miracle boy. He can do no wrong. My FI, on the other hand, is put through the ringer. I'm really glad I grew up with parents that preach fairness because I'm pretty sure I would go all out girl breakdown mode if I was in my FI's shoes.

psychbabe314 · December 2013

Jeez :-( That sucks for your FI. I just hope that one day, if I have children, I can treat them fairly.

FoxandBunny · December 2013

I'm sorry that your parents are like that. I know it's tough, and unfortunately I don't have much advice.

BF has almost the same problem you do; his brother is the baby and golden child. He can do no wrong. He has a headache? He should go lay down on the couch. BF has a headache? To bad, he has to go clean the bathtubs again even though he just spent 20 minutes scrubbing them. And while he's at it he can do his brother's share of the cleaning too because Brother's too busy playing the x-box he's not even supposed to be playing because his grades are so bad. BF's brother get to do whatever he wants and doesn't get in trouble at all, and when he disobeys rules no one pays attention, though BF gets jumped on and blamed for all the things his brother does because "there was no way Brother would do that."

It's changing now, thank goodness. BF's mother is finally realizing that her baby has been a pain in the ass for his while life and a compulsive lair and thief. So the only advice I can give, from personal experience, is put up with it and rant to people who will listen. When people have a golden image of someone, they usually don't like for it to be spoiled and it will cause more pain than it's worth to try and make them see the light they don't want to see.

Blackbird230 · December 2013

@FoxandBunny, your BF is lucky his mom is finally seeing it! I think that's the toughest part is making it clear that the golden child isn't so golden. It took FI and I getting into a car accident in his brother's car and there being no updated insurance and registration in the vehicle to make his mom even SOMEWHAT realize that his brother is even somewhat flawed.

FoxandBunny · December 2013

@Kait - That sucks big time about the car wreck. If that had happened in my house, someone (aka the owner of the car) would be raked over coals.

BF's mother is only starting to realize her baby isn't golden in the past couple of months, and the boy is over 18 years old. Luckily, the fact he is basically failing his senior year and has no drive what-so-ever to fix it has helped her realize he isn't as perfect as she likes to think. Also the fact that they have proof of him stealing things from BF and from his parents and yet has no conscious at all about it. It's just getting to the point that the evidence is piling up so high that she can't really ignore it anymore, even though she tries her best. BF is still the unfavored child though. No job he has is good enough, nothing he does is good enough.

Sorry if I'm ranting. It just annoys the crap out of me because in my house everything was very fair between my brother and me.

CLoGreenEyes · December 2013

@psychbabe314 and @Kait, are you both oldest children? Just curious. In any case, I'm sorry all the feels hurt right now with having your memories tinged that way.

Parents nurturing their children's interests is a funny, weird thing. I know that my parents kind of failed at this all across the board. My dad loved us, but he did not care for the typical watch-your-kid-do-stuff part of raising us, so he always complained about our activities, when he even bothered to show up. (I remember one year my girl scout troop had a father-daughter dance, which he straight-up asked me not to make him go to. Yeah. That felt nice. Not.) My mom tried a little harder, but she got sick of being the only parent to give a damn about taking us to and from practice/rehearsals/games/performances, so eventually my brothers and I just kind of gave up on doing anything we couldn't get a ride to and from. Really, it's no wonder we all have such a hard time sticking to anything that requires consistent effort to achieve.

@psychbabe314, maybe your mom is trying to make up for the way she was with you when you were younger - or if not make up, at least not repeat that mistake with your siblings. Have you ever told her how you felt about that? I'm not sure if y'all have the kind of relationship where that kind of honesty would help or hurt - with my mom, I know it probably wouldn't be worth it, so I have just tried to forgive and move on.

Blackbird230 · December 2013

@Amapola14, FI and I are both the youngest of our families. I have an older brother and older sister and he just has the older golden brother.

CLoGreenEyes · December 2013

Kait said:

@Amapola14, FI and I are both the youngest of our families. I have an older brother and older sister and he just has the older golden brother.

Well there goes that theory, lol. :P

I just started reading an interesting book about birth order. It is very eye-opening! But there are things that are just unfair no matter where you end up in a family, that's for sure. I tend to feel like the victim since I'm the perfectionist oldest child, but I have to remember that I also got a lot of attention that my brothers were not afforded. It sucks, but I think that no matter how careful a parent is, it is extremely challenging to be just and fair with your children at all times. =/

phira · December 2013

I think that one thing a lot of people forget is that it is VERY easy to play favorites with kids. It's not that people should accept that they'll play favorites and they should just go ahead and do that. I think that people should be really vigilant about it because it's so easy to do.

I'm one of three kids, and our dad has narcissistic personality disorder. Growing up, my older brother could do no wrong because he was always the first to do everything. And since my dad was one of four boys, he was really into raising his eldest son. So my dad would coach my brother's sports teams (not mine), and he would take my brother to Burger King after Hebrew school on Wednesday nights, but when it was my turn, my dad wouldn't take me. Stuff like that.

And my sister is still the baby, so she tends to get her way with almost everything. Brother got a boombox when he was 12, I had to wait. I got one when I was 12, Sister cried and got one for Chanukah three months later. I'm the only one of my siblings who wasn't allowed to go to overnight camp for 2 month during my final year of camp (still very sad about it!). Just stuff like that.

I was always my dad's least favorite, and our relationship grew so strained that we're now estranged. Funny enough, I'm my mom's obvious favorite these days, but it's more that I call her regularly and want to spend time with her, and I always get everyone gifts for birthdays and holidays, and I go to family events (happily). This is all stuff I consider really basic decency stuff; I'm not doing it out of obligation.

bethsmiles · December 2013

That's always rough to deal with. I think I lucked out because even though my brother is my mom's obvious favorite, I'm my dad's favorite. My brother and I even joked about it when we were younger because I always went to our dad when we had a fight and he always went to our mom because we knew who would take our side!

I'm still the oddball of the family though. My whole family is super into sports but I'm not athletic at all and I don't really like watching sports either. My parents tried so hard to get me into sports (I've done soccer, softball, figure skating, swimming, martial arts, track, skiing, tennis, and cheer-leading) but not a single one really stuck. I know they always enjoyed going to my brother's sports games more than my band concerts, which is why I eventually asked them to just not come anymore. Honestly, I enjoyed my events much more knowing I wasn't making my parents sit through something they hate. They were never mean about it but I could always tell they hated going. Even though it did suck that they weren't always interested in my stuff, I do attribute it to giving me my independent streak.

I also try not to take anything out on my brother. I know being the favorite has it's own set of challenges and frustrations.

psychbabe314 · December 2013

@FoxandBunny - I am glad things are changing for you! My mom feels bad for the boys because they have no father figure in their lives. Well, she forgets that it also means that the girls don't have on either.

@Amapola14 - I am actually the oldest. I have discussed it with my mom, but she always has excused for the boys. They don't have a father figure. They have had a harder time and have suffered more abuse from my father. She forgets that I was the one who had to stand between her and my siblings at one point. I was the one who had to deal with my dad's addiction for 3 months by myself. She forgets that before she finally got help, I was the one dealing with everything including shielding my siblings from my family problems. When I mention this to her, she cries and makes me feel guilty.

@bethsmiles - I can see being favorite as having challenges too.

Idk, when I bring it up my mom also says that she does not have to worry about me or my sister because we are the good kids. We are both doing well in school. Graduating on time. Turning in homework. Both of my brothers... it is a challenge to get them to do anything. The way it is going, my youngest brother will not graduate on time either. Then the 20 year old brother... he has no motivation and my mom refuses to acknowledge that he has some type of issue. I honestly think he has some mild autism and that he needs some professional help so that he can succeed in the workplace. He needs coaching on how to react in social situations.

GoldenPenguin · December 2013

I'm the oldest, and I am FAR from the golden child. My younger sister is by far my parent's favorite. They pushed me, I had very strict rules to follow, college was NOT an option, they never liked any of my (pretty good) boyfriends in high school & college, the list goes on & on.

My sister, however, got away with murder. She never had curfews, started smoking cigarettes (as a childhood leukemia survivor), drinking, and doing drugs at 16, dated one loser after another (including her current deadbeat asshole of a boyfriend), and dropped out of college after one semester.

I am never allowed to say one word to her about her life choices, but am made to feel bad about mine. The fact that I have an amazing boyfriend, a fantastic job, and can live in a gorgeous apartment, drive a nice car, and go on vacations are all off limits because they might "make her feel bad." I've lived in NY for nine years, and my parents have come to visit me once, because it's "too expensive to drive all the way out there," but they bail her out again and again and again.

It hurts, but at this point, I'm not going to apologize for my successes. Besides, I'm my grandparent's favorite, so I'm okay

KeptInStitches · December 2013

The way I see it now is, as the oldest and definitely not the favorite, everything I do simply paves the way for my brother to have an easier life. How I feel about that varies from day to day. :-D

Dignity100 · December 2013

I'm not sure how my brother sees it - but I know in my mind he's the favored child. My parents have claimed that they 'help the child in need' and that just happens to be him more than me because I'm more independent. I'm sure if you asked him, he'd probably say that I'm the favored one. . .I guess it's all a matter of perspective

smalfrie19 · December 2013

BriSox81 said:

I'm the oldest, and I am FAR from the golden child. My younger sister is by far my parent's favorite. They pushed me, I had very strict rules to follow, college was NOT an option, they never liked any of my (pretty good) boyfriends in high school & college, the list goes on & on.

My sister, however, got away with murder. She never had curfews, started smoking cigarettes (as a childhood leukemia survivor), drinking, and doing drugs at 16, dated one loser after another (including her current deadbeat asshole of a boyfriend), and dropped out of college after one semester.

I am never allowed to say one word to her about her life choices, but am made to feel bad about mine. The fact that I have an amazing boyfriend, a fantastic job, and can live in a gorgeous apartment, drive a nice car, and go on vacations are all off limits because they might "make her feel bad." I've lived in NY for nine years, and my parents have come to visit me once, because it's "too expensive to drive all the way out there," but they bail her out again and again and again.

It hurts, but at this point, I'm not going to apologize for my successes. Besides, I'm my grandparent's favorite, so I'm okay

To the bold I know EXACTLY what that is like. I am the oldest of 3 my sister (who is my hero) got away with EVERYTHING had restrictions lifted early and was not as carefully watched during high school as I was and in turn SHE was the one that got pregnant at 15 and had my nephew at 16. She could NEVER do wrong. I was practically driven from the house at 19. I know that my mother is more proud of me having never gotten in to any sort of big trouble as a teen/adult. But I know not matter how my parents feel about me, I am my grandpa's favorite and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. There is a reason I asked him to walk me down the aisle and not my mom or my step dad.

psychbabe314 · December 2013

These all make me feel better! My sister tells me all the time that I am the favorite, and I have never discussed it with my brother. At least a lot of us are in the same boat :-)

cowgirl8238 · December 2013

psychbabe314 said:

@FoxandBunny - I am glad things are changing for you! My mom feels bad for the boys because they have no father figure in their lives. Well, she forgets that it also means that the girls don't have on either.

@Amapola14 - I am actually the oldest. I have discussed it with my mom, but she always has excused for the boys. They don't have a father figure. They have had a harder time and have suffered more abuse from my father. She forgets that I was the one who had to stand between her and my siblings at one point. I was the one who had to deal with my dad's addiction for 3 months by myself. She forgets that before she finally got help, I was the one dealing with everything including shielding my siblings from my family problems. When I mention this to her, she cries and makes me feel guilty.

@bethsmiles - I can see being favorite as having challenges too.

Idk, when I bring it up my mom also says that she does not have to worry about me or my sister because we are the good kids. We are both doing well in school. Graduating on time. Turning in homework. Both of my brothers... it is a challenge to get them to do anything. The way it is going, my youngest brother will not graduate on time either. Then the 20 year old brother... he has no motivation and my mom refuses to acknowledge that he has some type of issue. I honestly think he has some mild autism and that he needs some professional help so that he can succeed in the workplace. He needs coaching on how to react in social situations.

This (the whole paragraph but especially the bolded) sounds just like my family. My brother and I are almost 8 years apart, but I can sooooo relate to you and how you feel. I was into music, my brother played football. My parents hardly ever went to my school concerts, but they have yet to miss one of his football games (he graduate last spring and they still go to every game!!) My brother was failing English, and they did nothing! I got a C in calculus and they wanted to know why.

When I pressured my mom a bit for an answer she gave me that exact line...so I know how you feel. I am so sorry that you feel like your parents are unfair. I am sorry that you feel like you are less important than your siblings. It hurts! So hugs for you!

Brothers vs. Sisters (Vent)

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