What should I do???

MrsLanduyt2B · December 2013

My fiances family has not offered a penny for this wedding. My Grandma has graciously paid for everything. They didn't pay for anything with the flowers, but they still expect to get corsages. They didn't offer anything for the rehearsal dinner, yet they are intending on coming. So that leaves a bit of an awkward position. At the rehearsal you are supposed to thank everyone for their support and help and give them gifts, won't his family feel hurt during this time if they don't receive a gift and recognition? I don't know what to do, I don't want feelings hurt, but at the same time.. they haven't offered any help - financially or just a hand to help.

mrsconn23 · December 2013

No one is required to financially contribute to your wedding. They are also not required to 'help' with wedding related tasks.

Keeping score of what people do or do not do for you will only make you miserable in the end.

Does your fiance know about your feelings regarding his family? Does he know you want to not acknowledge them, not have them at the rehearsal dinner, withhold gifts and corsages because they didn't 'contribute' to your liking or specifications? If so, how does he feel about that?

If it were me, I'd be right pissed.

MrsLanduyt2B · December 2013

Whoa I never said I don't want them to have these things. My post was more or less about not wanting them to feel bad about things. Sorry if I misportrayed. Yes, he knows the frustration, because he feels the same way. We never expected anything from anyone. We wanted a small gathering, but his family took it upon themselves to invite buku people. And in my op I said "I don't want their feelings hurt".

mrsconn23 · December 2013

The only people we gifted and thanked for support at our rehearsal dinner was our parents, bridal party (which included siblings), and our reader (SIL). Also, our rehearsal dinner was limited to our bridal party, parents, grandparents, and my IL's invited their best friends (my IL's paid, so I didn't care).

Who do they want to invite? Who are you planning on giving gifts to?

MNNEBride · December 2013

MrsLanduyt2B said:

My fiances family has not offered a penny for this wedding. My Grandma has graciously paid for everything. They didn't pay for anything with the flowers, but they still expect to get corsages. They didn't offer anything for the rehearsal dinner, yet they are intending on coming. So that leaves a bit of an awkward position. At the rehearsal you are supposed to thank everyone for their support and help and give them gifts, won't his family feel hurt during this time if they don't receive a gift and recognition? I don't know what to do, I don't want feelings hurt, but at the same time.. they haven't offered any help - financially or just a hand to help.

So your parents are not paying for anything either as Grandma has it all covered? Yet, I imagine you will get your mother and father corsages and invite them to the rehearsal dinner. You will also likely thank your parents for their love and support in toasts at the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception. Why would you not treat your FI's parents the same way?

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

If his parents aren't paying, they don't get to invite people. If they wanted to and you and FI gave in, that's on you.

You don't have to have an RD. If you don't have a rehearsal, no dinner. Problem solved.

My husband's grandmother is BSC, didn't pay a dime toward our wedding, hates me, and still got a corsage.

You sound resentful and entitled, as does your FI. No one other than the two of you was required to pay for your wedding. Your grandmother is being gracious to pay for it.

Also, the word is 'beaucoup,' not 'buku.'

KatWAG · December 2013

MrsLanduyt2B said:

Whoa I never said I don't want them to have these things. My post was more or less about not wanting them to feel bad about things. Sorry if I misportrayed. Yes, he knows the frustration, because he feels the same way. We never expected anything from anyone. We wanted a small gathering, but his family took it upon themselves to invite buku people. And in my op I said "I don't want their feelings hurt".

Really, because it sounds like you are expecting them to chip in. It is and your responsiblity to pay for your wedding.

It is your and Fi's fault for letting them invite more people than you are comfortable with. FI should have sat down with his family and " I am sorry mom and dad but we are unable to accommodate your guest list." If they give him push back, he could add that it will cost $X per person, if they are really insistant on those people attending.

I would recongize FILs at the rehearsal dinner, Say thank you for supporting your relationship and if you arent going to get them a gift, make sure to give everyone else their gifts in private.

thejucheidea · December 2013

You lost me at buku, hahahahahaha. Please don't use a word unless you know how it's actually spelled (French for many = beaucoup).

If you're paying, you can say no to the people they ask to invite. We paid for ourselves and were able to hold the reins on everything.

MischievousMonkey · December 2013

Wow. There's a lot of bitterness and snottiness around here. I always thought weddings were a time to be happy and generous (of spirit--if not $$). I stopped by to start a new post about my problems, but thought I'd click on yours first. As someone who took french, I'll admit I was a little surprised by your spelling of beaucoup, but then I thought it was darn cute. I may spell it that way from now on.

That being said, you're in a tough spot. I'm only just starting to realize how many emotions are involved in planning a wedding. You don't want to alienate your new relatives, but you also don't want to minimize your Grandma's contributions. Maybe you can give her a seat of honor or include her in the ceremony somehow like having her light a candle or something?

hmonkey · December 2013

bring back the shame maid!

thejucheidea · December 2013

MischievousMonkey said:

Wow. There's a lot of bitterness and snottiness around here. I always thought weddings were a time to be happy and generous (of spirit--if not $$).

We like to give a healthy dose of realism. Sorry if you can't handle it.

VarunaTT · December 2013

Well, let's see. If you were at a wedding for your child that you were, for whatever reason, unable to contribute to and your child's FI refused to thank you or say any kind words or want to extend a invitation to the festivities b/c you didn't give any money, how would you feel?

I'm assuming you'd feel hurt, unless you're really just terrible. You're about half a step away from "covering their plate cost with gift" nonsense, really.

How about you thank them for raising someone you apparently find worthy of marrying and spending the rest of your life with? That occur to you? Or it is just the monies?

FWIW, we had a "rehearsal dinner" that hosted everyone who wanted to come. We thanked them all for coming and joining us for all of the festivities and having fun with us. The only people we gave gifts to was our wedding party members and that was done in private, not in front of everyone.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

How do you know or assume why they can't contribute? I just spent half an hour on the phone with my mom as she cried because she can't afford to help pay for our wedding, and she wishes she could. Hell yes I will give her a corsage and thank her at our RD. For all you know, Fi's parents wish they could help and they are in a tough financial spot. And even if they have the money, they don't have an obligation to pay for your wedding.

It's nobody's responsibility to pay for your wedding except you and Fi. Thank Fi's parents for their love and support of your relationship. RD and corsages are wedding expenses just like everything else, not a tit-for-tat marker of who paid for the wedding. You strike me as the kind of bride who would expect guests to pay for their plate.

zitiqueen · December 2013

MrsLanduyt2B said:

Whoa I never said I don't want them to have these things. My post was more or less about not wanting them to feel bad about things. Sorry if I misportrayed. Yes, he knows the frustration, because he feels the same way. We never expected anything from anyone. We wanted a small gathering, but his family took it upon themselves to invite buku people. And in my op I said "I don't want their feelings hurt".

How did they manage to do this? Did you give them invitations to mail out?

thejucheidea · December 2013

How do you know or assume why they can't contribute? I just spent half an hour on the phone with my mom as she cried because she can't afford to help pay for our wedding, and she wishes she could.div>

True this. My parents really wanted to pay for our wedding, but they're going through bankruptcy and simply couldn't afford it, so we had to pay for ourselves. My parents always apologized copiously whenever wedding stuff was brought up, but we understood why they couldn't contribute and didn't expect it of them.

ohannabelle · December 2013

Just to be fair, "buku" isn't simply a misspelled "beaucoup." Buku (pronounced boo-koo, accent on the first syllable ) was something we said a lot in the 70s. ("I wanted to go see the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young concert, but it was buku bucks." "I went. There was buku doobage. It was bitchin'.") Occasionally spelled bookoo, which is wrong.

Buku came to America through the Vietnam war servicemen, and is basically the Vietnamese for Beaucoup, from way back when Vietnam was a French colony.
I don't hear it very often anymore. Every now and then. But there it is. From buku years ago.

edit: My daughter's fiancé tells me he heard it used frequently in the military. He thought it was an army thing.

thejucheidea · December 2013

OH MY GOD I JUST GOT AN EMAIL AND THE CHICK SAID 'BOO-COO CHEMO SPILL KITS' whyyyyyy is this happening you can't just bastardize foreign loan words like that

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

ohannabelle said:
Just to be fair, "buku" isn't simply a misspelled "beaucoup." Buku (pronounced boo-koo, accent on the first syllable ) was something we said a lot in the 70s. ("I wanted to go see the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young concert, but it was buku bucks." "I went. There was buku doobage. It was bitchin'.") Occasionally spelled bookoo, which is wrong.
Buku came to America through the Vietnam war servicemen, and is basically the Vietnamese for Beaucoup, from way back when Vietnam was a French colony.
I don't hear it very often anymore. Every now and then. But there it is. From buku years ago.
edit: My daughter's fiancé tells me he heard it used frequently in the military. He thought it was an army thing.

So it's still a bastardisation of a French word, it's just that you're telling us people have been butchering for a long time.

Still doesn't make it an acceptable alternate spelling. It's not a transliterated word, where alternate spellings would be acceptable. The word is spelt one way -- beaucoup -- and one way only.

And, as I tell my reporters at least once a damn day: if you cannot spell, pronounce, and define a word, DO NOT USE IT!

hmonkey · December 2013

ohannabelle · December 2013

Absolutely not to be used in formal speech, and definitely slang, but I always thought of it a more of a colloquialism; not an acceptable substitute. And yes, colloquialisms are bastardizations. Like the English "cuppa." My point was that slang and colloquialisms night not be misspelling, but simply slang.

Not an expression I've used in thirty years or so. I was just surprised to see it still existed.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

ohannabelle said:

Absolutely not to be used in formal speech, and definitely slang, but I always thought of it a more of a colloquialism; not an acceptable substitute. And yes, colloquialisms are bastardizations. Like the English "cuppa." My point was that slang and colloquialisms night not be misspelling, but simply slang.
Not an expression I've used in thirty years or so. I was just surprised to see it still existed.

The difference, though, is that that is a colloquialism of an English expression used by native English speakers -- 'cuppa' is short for 'cup of' -- and is acceptable as a slang term (along with 'gonna,' 'wanna,' 'hafta,' etc.

'Buku' is a gross mis-spelling of a non-native English word, and thus doesn't count as slang. You can create slang out of words in your own language, but not other languages.

CLI242009 · December 2013

Wow..@.@ there's so much to respond to in this thread but I'm not going to.

The only thing I was completely confused about was the whole buku vs beaucoup. I have never heard or seen the word beaucoup so I didn't know at first OP was trying to spell that word. When I read buku my mind went in a completely different direction!!! O.O I was thinking she spelled something wrong and ended up spelling buku instead.....*bad bad thoughts* xD sorry I have a pervy mind.

hmonkey - your pic made me smile. that is EXACTLY what i thought when i saw the direction this thread was going. Thank you!! haha

HisGirlFriday13 - i agree with everything you said. Especially the part,
"if you cannot spell, pronounce, and define a word, DO NOT USE IT!" It's getting annoying to see any word now a days being shortened or spelled differently because it looks cooler or better that way >.>

What should I do???

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