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Why do people have so much gift-draw hate?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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edited December 2013 in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are both young professionals with no children who are in the midst of big financial projects. We have six beautiful nieces and nephews we are wild about. However, it is getting quite crazy shopping for them, their parents, and other close family members. (I’ll note that the kids are very well taken care of.) Last year we spent almost $1,000. I recommended that we do a gift drawing, but I have been met with opposition. There are some people in my family who can be quite sensitive. How do we tell them, “We love you but aren’t getting you gifts?”

—Two Against an Army

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Re: Why do people have so much gift-draw hate?

  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
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    Did she say $1000?

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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    as we say in my family, "no grown adult with a job gets a gift."

    we spend time we each other, we make a nice meal together, maybe watch a movie. BUT NO GIFTS.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    $1000?!?!? Nope, nope, nope. 
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  • Oface4evaOface4eva member
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    I have no fricking idea, Mrs. Conn, H's family is the same damn way.  It's like everyone is scared to even mention it.  That is why there are 15 gifts for H's family, and like 5 for mine.  Sick.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
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    Yes, parents never got the gifts when we were kids. Plus, my grandmother had nine kids, plus all of their kids. Yes, I have a lot of first cousins on my mom's side.

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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
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    Because in that family, stuff=love. My mother is the same way. My brothers and SILs are not, but if I don't buy them something - not a gift card - I will NEVER hear the end of it from my mother. 

    This year I had nine people to buy for. H's family doesn't celebrate Christmas, thank god. 

    I get a lot of stuff off Etsy or in antique stores. That way I end up spending under $10 a person, but they'd never know it. I've told my bros not to buy for me, that if they want to give Bacon something, it's fine, but since my parents send her roughly the entirety of Toys R Us, it's not necessary. 

    I wish I could convince them all that I'd much rather have a phone call or a visit. I can't. They want the stuff. 
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    edited December 2013
    FIL and sMIL go so completely overboard.  It truly makes them happy so whatever.  We aren't sure it will all fit in the van this year.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    I don't mind exchanging gifts.  We like to give gifts in our family.   But we enjoy being together more.  And we do an exchange...for gifts and stockings for the adults. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    That's it.  I'm marrying into HMo's family...somehow.  Same sex polyamoury here I come!

    IDK, it'd be easier if it was just about spending time together and eating.  

    DH and I aren't even getting anything for each other, b/c I'm just not feeling it this year and I don't feel like faking it.  Maybe as it gets closer, but I'm rather meh about the whole thing.  My parents will still go overboard, but mom and dad love doing it, so I don't say anything.  We do have a gift for them, but that's it.
    �
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    @varunatt, a few years ago, we finally convinced dh's family to stop giving gifts, too.

    the kids still get gifts, but they don't get ALL THE GIFTS. it's still all about spending time together with a few presents.
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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    FI comes from a family of 6 + SOs. Now add in parents and nieces and nephews. It can add up. About 2 years ago FI's sister came up with a secret santa draw for the kids and SOs. We would still get niece and nephews gifts (not that many) but for the siblings and their SOs we did Secret Santa draw.

    That's helped a lot. We have a limit: $75.00, you can spend up to this amount. it doesn't mean you have to. Just an amount we all agreed on. It's worked for the past couple of years and has really helped on the wallets. 
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    The general rule in my family is you gift down.  Older people give to the younger.  I love buying gifts for my sister.  She's younger than me (although she's all grown up by now, about to be 23) and my only sister, and parents are not super into gifts, so I'm the only one who gets to spoil her.  I give her silly care packages, too, for holidays or during exams.  Since it's just the two of us, I tend to spend about $100 on her at Christmas and her bday.  I love doing it.

    Fi's family is HUGE, and a few years ago all the adult cousins/SOs started doing a Secret Santa with a $50 limit.  We give an individual gift to Fi's 7 year old godson, and usually small gift cards (like $10 to a movie theater or iTunes) to all the preteens/teens.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • tawillerstawillers member
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    This is the second year we've done a draw for xmas at my parents' house.  We draw amongst us siblings/spouses but we still buy for all of the children and our parents.  It's nice and I'm glad we started doing it.  With 8 children (3 of them are mine), things were getting crazy so we decided to downsize with the adults.  I'm sure we'll eventually quit buying for the adults, but everyone seems happy with this for now.

    We have never bought for siblings in DH's family.  Just his parents and the children.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited December 2013
    That's how we do it with my family too, Taw.  

    IF BIL/SIL and SIL/BIL/kids are in town for Christmas, we will exchange gifts amongst us siblings.  If they aren't in town for Christmas, we don't exchange gifts.  
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    We do like you too taw.  We've been drawing names since childhood though.  We stopped on DH's side because it was one big gift card exchange.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    6fsn said:
    We stopped on DH's side because it was one big gift card exchange.
    that is why we stopped giving gifts altogether. (although because we're asian, we didn't exchange gift cards; we exchanged checks.)
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