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Wedding Woes

Can I Change Wedding Plans?

Hi All,

My fiance proposed 6 months ago. Prior to getting engaged, he had made it clear that he wanted to invite our friends as well as family to our wedding, making it fairly large. I was adamant that I wanted a family-only wedding. I eventually agreed that having friends at our wedding was the better idea and that is what we have been planning on for the past 6 months, making our wedding 150 people. I understand that to a lot of people this isn't huge, but for me it seems a little overwhelming. My grandmother passed away this week which was a huge surprise and a big blow since my grandfather passed away less than a year ago. After she passed, I started becoming very anxious when at her Shiva, I would get questions about the wedding and who we are inviting. I'm not sure why this set me off but since then I have had the strong urge to cancel the wedding and simply elope.

My parents have already put down deposits on the lighting, photographer, and the band. I know that my fiance would be mad and that our friends would be annoyed but I can't shake this urge to get our of this big wedding that we had planned. I keep waiting to get excited about this big party with all of our family and friends "celebrating our love" but I cannot get rid of the feeling that it has become a social event that is not really about our love at all. Am I overreacting? Does it even matter how you get married, as long as you love each other? Maybe I just need a reality check that I need to just go with the flow. Thanks for your thoughts.

Re: Can I Change Wedding Plans?

  • What has your fiance said when you've talked to him about this?
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  • He really wants friends to be there but understands how I feel and would do whatever I wanted, ultimately. I just would never want him to resent me for it.
  • I would hold off on making any decisions like that right now.  Your emotions are probably still very raw from your grandmother's passing.

    Is there anyone you can cut out to lessen the number of people?  I think you guys had a good compromise going, it just seems to have gotten out of hand.
  • I don't know, @VarunaTT - her post history says that she has been feeling this way since at least October.
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  • VarunaTT, thank you for your relpy. Unfortunately I have a VERY large family so the number of 150 only includes about 35 of our friends, none of whom we can really cut out. 
  • have you considered doing something heinous so that your family cuts you off and therefore your family doesn't want to come to your wedding? 

    (i suggest becoming a juggalo.)
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  • Hahaha great idea, hmonkey!
  • So, even if he compromised to family only, you'd still be having a pretty big shindig of over 100 people.

    What is it exactly that is overwhelming?  I know that seems silly, but you just said you wanted family only, then compromised (which was good in my opinion) to add 35 people.  That just doesn't seem like that should've been the straw that broke the camel's back.
  • I see where you're coming from and I should have been more clear. Without our friends AND our parents' friends, the number would be around 80 people. I'm not sure it is the number that is bothering me, though. We grew up in a sort of affluent area where events like this get scrutinized and I don't really want our wedding to be judged in anyway. If only family is invited, I feel like we can just focus on my beauty of the day and not worry about who thinks the cake is too spongy. 
  • "My grandmother passed away this week which was a huge surprise and a big blow since my grandfather passed away less than a year ago."

     

    ^^ this is why i would hold off on making plans. mourn your loss. you might feel a little differently in a little while. i mean, you did compromise with him before she passed, and i can't imagine that a handful of his friends is going to make that much of a difference (in my opinion). if you're having issues with anxiety, talk to your doctor to see what advice you get. maybe you need to see a therapist to work out some issues.

     

  • *the beauty of the day, not MY beauty of the day. Whoops
  • Okay, here's the reality:  even in your family, someone will talk smack about your wedding.  Something could've been, had been, should've been done different, more better, this vendor, blah, blah, blah.

    Make you and FI happy (IDK where the money is coming from, so that might have to compromise some) and don't worry about any naysayers.  If there's someone specific, have someone run interference that day for you between naysayer and you.  DH's grandmother is one of those people and to this day IDK what she was so pissed off about at our renewal, b/c FIL whisked her butt off a millisecond after her grumpy face had registered to me and she didn't even get her mouth open to complain about whatever it was she thought she had to complain about.
  • or make it a juggalo-themed wedding and no one will care what the flowers looked like because they will be staring at your clown and axe-themed decorations.

    (i swear, juggalos solve so many problems.)
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  • I don't think the answer is cutting of friends for family, since that doesn't solve the problem and isn't fair (just because you share some genetics doesn't mean they are necessarily closer to you than your friends).  I think you and your FI really need to talk about all this and come to an agreement, maybe you might want to elope or something.
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  • I'm glad your Fi was receptive when you talked to him about this.  I think PPs are right that you should hold off on making decisions while grief and stress are running so high.

    How long do you have before your wedding date?  Would you have to pay your parents back for deposits?  And do you have a history of anxiety around gatherings of people?

    Your stress in these posts is palpable, especially your concern about being judged.  But it sounds like that judgment might be coming from your family-- and they will judge you whether you have a big or small wedding, and they will certainly judge you if you elope.  It's sort of freeing once you realize that it's impossible to make everyone happy.  People will judge.  But there's no way to avoid it, so just do what you and Fi are most comfortable with.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • i am having around 120-130 inviting 130 we are only inviting our closest friends and family. we have friends we are not close to have not seen in ages who will not be attending.


    personally  if it was me i would want some friends there
  • I'm sooo sorry for your loss! I can't imagine how much hurt you must be going through right now. I agree w pps and just wait until the mourning process passes before making any drastic plan changes.

    Honestly I feel closer to my friends than some of my family... My own sisters a pretty judgy person and I know she's scrutinizing all my wedding choices. Knowing this though my thoughts are judge away because as long as guests are properly hosted, we are having the style of wedding we want.
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