Chit Chat
Options

NWR: FMIL thinks I call FI "too much"

FMIL and I had a sit down discussion about many things yesterday, and one of the things she brought up was that she thinks I call him "too much." AKA, when he's with her. I disagree, as I think the most I have ever called him while he's with her is 2 times. However, that's not the point. The point is, we're engaged, I've been with him for 11 years, and I will call him as much as I please. If HE has a problem with it, then HE can talk to me about it. 

FI thinks she's ridiculous and told her so. 

Just a vent, really. 

We are 24 and 25 years old, not 16.

Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: NWR: FMIL thinks I call FI "too much"

  • FMIL and I had a sit down discussion about many things yesterday, and one of the things she brought up was that she thinks I call him "too much." AKA, when he's with her. I disagree, as I think the most I have ever called him while he's with her is 2 times. However, that's not the point. The point is, we're engaged, I've been with him for 11 years, and I will call him as much as I please. If HE has a problem with it, then HE can talk to me about it. 

    FI thinks she's ridiculous and told her so. 

    Just a vent, really. 

    We are 24 and 25 years old, not 16.
    That seems really inappropriate of her to say that in my opinion. If you for some reason (clearly not the case) were calling him too much then you're right he should be having that discussion with you. Do you and FMIL normally get along pretty well or is she one of those 'Mah BABY IS LEAVING THE NEST OH NOOOOOOOOOoooo!' type of FMIL?
  • aefitz29 said:
    That seems really inappropriate of her to say that in my opinion. If you for some reason (clearly not the case) were calling him too much then you're right he should be having that discussion with you. Do you and FMIL normally get along pretty well or is she one of those 'Mah BABY IS LEAVING THE NEST OH NOOOOOOOOOoooo!' type of FMIL?
    It's a rather interesting relationship and it's evolved into different forms throughout the years FI and I have been together. I've been with FI since I was 13 and he was 14 years old. So, in the beginning of our relationship (when I was 16 or so), I spent a lot of time at his house hanging out with him and his family. I really loved this time I got with them and our relationship was wonderful. Then, senior year of high school (when I was 17 or so), our relationship started to change. My parents were going through a rough patch and it was very difficult for me, so I would admittedly call him quite a bit crying and needing someone to talk to while my parents fought. She got very angry at this and said my "constant calling" was destroying their family and hurting everyone because it was taking his time away from them...specifically, FI's younger brother who he's very close with. I don't believe calling all the time was necessarily right, but as a 17 year old girl, when I wanted comfort, all I wanted was my boyfriend of 4 years. 

    Then, we went off to college. First year of college, things were great. Second year, things were okay. Then, our third year of college FI and I moved into an apartment together along with 2 other people. That's when things started to go downhill again. She didn't approve of us moving in together and called my parents to try to get them to stop us. My parents didn't care and refused to fight her battle for her. So, we moved in together, she was very angry and told my mom she was worried that I wouldn't give my FI enough freedom to see his friends, that he should be living with his friends and not me (FI didn't want to live with his friends since they partied and he thought he could focus on his work more without them), and that being together all the time would increase the risk of me getting pregnant (wtf??? lol). When we were picking things out for the apartment, she was worried that I wasn't giving FI any say in our bedsheets, freaked out over the cost of the mattress we chose (which she wasn't even paying for), etc. Absolute craziness. The beginning of our last year of college, things were getting better, but then I got mono. I was incredibly ill and spent most of winter break sleeping on the couch because I could barely move. This caused me not to be able to go over to my FI's house as much (still went about once a week...minimum every other week for dinner). FMIL called my mom to say how hard it's been that I haven't been coming over and how FI stays with me, so she gets to see him less. My mom explained that I could barely move and that FI wanted to be with me while I was so sick. 

    Ever since we graduated college, it's been a never-ending battle of how much time he spends with his family vs. how much time he spends with me. I'll be honest here...we both live at home so that we can save money for a house. We're well on our way to a downpayment and should be ready to go within the next year or so. Even though he technically "lives at home" he spends every night at my house and comes over around 7-8pm every day. The time he spends with his family is every single night (for the most part) after work until he leaves for my house. FMIL doesn't like that he leaves. And here we are today. In her eyes, I'm "taking him away from his family" and I don't "come over enough." I feel like I shouldn't have to come over after work and if he sees her 3 hours a day pretty much every day, that should be more than enough. Not to mention every single holiday. FI is having his third talk with her soon...I've talked to her...my mom's talked to her...nothing. works. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    That sounds awful. Definitely seems as if she is way too involved with trying to manage your FI's time. I mean if he sees her everyday I think she needs to settle down. It would be entirely normal if he even just saw her once a week or less.

    I hope his next talk with her goes well. At least your mom and your FI back you up against her over-involved crazy. Sounds like a jealousy issue...
  • Maybe it's time for you two to move out. Live in an apartment while you are saving for a house. At 24/25, it's hard to imagine that parents have that much control over you, but I can kind of see her point; he is basically living at home (for free?) at this point, so she feels like she should have some say in his life.
  • That really sucks that she's being like that. I'll give you a story from the other side though. My cousin's husband calls her all the time when they're not together. They both live in Florida and only she was able to come up for Thanksgiving. He called her FIVE times while we were eating dinner - all over the span of 4 hours. It was obnoxious. We barely get to see her. Let us visit with her! He has a habit of doing this. We went on vacation a few years ago - again, he wasn't able to come. He called three times every single day she was there (4 days) and spent an hour on the phone with her each time. 
    Anyway, nothing at all like your situation. But I can sort of see it from the other side, you know? It comes off as needy and controlling. 
  • OP, your relationship timeline sounds quite a bit like ours!  Fi and I have been together for almost 11 years, since I was 15 and he was 17 (we're 26 and 28 now).  You're right, it's really hard to manage the changing relationship with FPILs over such a great span in age.  When I first started coming to their home, Fi and I were both children.  I called them Mr. and Mrs., we weren't allowed upstairs together, and we had a curfew.  It can be a challenge as we age to break out of that childhood deference and respect and really assert ourselves as a couple with our families.  

    Fi and I moved out together when we were 21/23.  Both sets of parents were pretty respectful of boundaries after this.  But (also like you and your Fi!) Fi had to move back home for a year when I went to law school OOS.  Even though he'd lived apart before and the new arrangement was temporary, his mom got possessive all over again.  After I transferred back up here for my second year, we moved in together again, and the boundaries are re-established.

    I think the solution is that you need to get an apartment.  Yes, it means it will take you longer to save for a down payment than you wanted.  But it sounds like you and Fi really need to get out of your parents' houses (especially FMIL) if you want the respect your relationship deserves.  As long as Fi lives under FMIL's roof, it's hard to Just Say No.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I agree with PPs.  You would probably have a much easier time if you both moved out and got an apartment together.  You and your FI would have so much more control over your situation if you were living on your own.  It will also ease your transition to married life, home ownership, etc.  You can still save for a home while renting an apartment.
  • Thank you for the advice, everyone!

    I think you're all right. I'm going to have a conversation with FI tonight about possibly moving out. We've been so focused on saving for a downpayment on a house that we have been trying to just deal with the problems that have come up from living at home, but I'm starting to see that unless we move out, she's not going to let go and we're going to be miserable until then. 

    @JCBride2014 I really appreciate your insight since your situation is so similar to ours! Everything you're saying makes complete sense. I'm really thinking it might be best to move out so that we can establish our boundaries early on. 

    Thank you again! I love this board and its honest and thoughtful advice!

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • A little late to the party, but I'm also going to vote for moving out, especially since you're on track to get married. It would be different if he was constantly on his phone with you while with his family -- I have a BIL who never puts down his phone because heaven forbid he ever stop texting his gf when she's not around (literally non-stop), and I find it incredibly annoying, rude, and disrespectful because he's not spending time with the people who ARE actually present in the room with him. However, it doesn't sound like this is the case with you and FI at all, and his mother is having issues acknowledging that she's no longer the most important woman in his life. Some moms have a lot of trouble with that, but just remember that it's HER issue, not yours. Create a little bit of distance between you two and her, and she'll just have to learn to adjust.


    image
  • Also late to the party, also dittoing PPs that you need to move out like, yesterday.

    As long as she's under his roof, she's still his 'baby boy' and he'll always BE her 'baby boy' until he stands on his own two feet. 

    Move out, ASAP. And good luck!
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Late to the party here too, but I agree with everyone here. Move out. My FI's mom can be very overbearing, but we each lived on our own until we recently moved in. She has no say in our relationship, and understands boundaries. I think if he were still under her roof it would be a nightmare. 

    As an interesting aside, FI and I broke up at one point. Around the time we decided to start working things out, his mom was intent on buying a house. With him. This was after he had moved out into his own apartment, mind you. One time I needed to escape my house [I was still living at home at the time], and I got stuck going house hunting with them and I just freaked. I mean wtf?? So a few days later I had a talk with him and told him if we were going to work things out and move forward in our relationship, we would need to do it together. Not have him go backwards from getting his own place to getting a freaking house with his mom. After that, he just dropped it. I can only imagine if he did go through with it. I guarantee we would not have made it this far. So my point is, it is time for his mom to let go, and that will only happen if he leaves her house.


                                 Anniversary
    imageimageimage


     

  • The solution to a crazy FIL is for you to deal with her less. In your case, this means at least he needs to move out asap. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think moving out is a great idea, just like PPs have said but this is also a double edged sword. He lives at home and she sees him, yet she still complains he doesn't spend enough time with family/her. She complains when he chooses YOU over his family/her. At least that's what it sounds like from what OP posted.

    Moving out might make this worse. I could easily see her bugging you guys even more about coming over and visiting. Not going out to lunch, not calling and talking, etc. If she made a big deal about you guys moving in together while at college, I believe she'll make a big deal still if you guys move out. That whole moving in together thing makes it sound like she wasn't okay because you weren't married?

    It also sounds like she doesn't approve of your relationship? Was she happy when you announced the engagement?

    OP said this: So, we moved in together, she was very angry and told my mom she was worried that I wouldn't give my FI enough freedom to see his friends, that he should be living with his friends and not me.  This makes me think that she was hoping he would maybe take a break from you? How do I phrase this....basically that he would "live a little" before he made the decision to settle down with you. Don't get me wrong, I find it AWESOME you guys are high school sweethearts and have been together that long, but some think that people need to experience life (other people) before they decide that what they've always known is what they want for the rest of their lives.

    God I hope that made sense >.> If not I apologize...wait a bit. I just need to wake up hahaha
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • CLI242009 said:
    I think moving out is a great idea, just like PPs have said but this is also a double edged sword. He lives at home and she sees him, yet she still complains he doesn't spend enough time with family/her. She complains when he chooses YOU over his family/her. At least that's what it sounds like from what OP posted.

    Moving out might make this worse. I could easily see her bugging you guys even more about coming over and visiting. Not going out to lunch, not calling and talking, etc. If she made a big deal about you guys moving in together while at college, I believe she'll make a big deal still if you guys move out. That whole moving in together thing makes it sound like she wasn't okay because you weren't married?

    It also sounds like she doesn't approve of your relationship? Was she happy when you announced the engagement?

    OP said this: So, we moved in together, she was very angry and told my mom she was worried that I wouldn't give my FI enough freedom to see his friends, that he should be living with his friends and not me.  This makes me think that she was hoping he would maybe take a break from you? How do I phrase this....basically that he would "live a little" before he made the decision to settle down with you. Don't get me wrong, I find it AWESOME you guys are high school sweethearts and have been together that long, but some think that people need to experience life (other people) before they decide that what they've always known is what they want for the rest of their lives.

    God I hope that made sense >.> If not I apologize...wait a bit. I just need to wake up hahaha
    To the bolded, I think it's possible, but it also puts the OP and her FI in a better bargaining position.  Oh you want us to come over, well then you're going to need to stop doing x, y and z.  It's hard to say "no" or "bug off" when you're living under the same roof.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • CLI242009 said:
    I think moving out is a great idea, just like PPs have said but this is also a double edged sword. He lives at home and she sees him, yet she still complains he doesn't spend enough time with family/her. She complains when he chooses YOU over his family/her. At least that's what it sounds like from what OP posted.

    Moving out might make this worse. I could easily see her bugging you guys even more about coming over and visiting. Not going out to lunch, not calling and talking, etc. If she made a big deal about you guys moving in together while at college, I believe she'll make a big deal still if you guys move out. That whole moving in together thing makes it sound like she wasn't okay because you weren't married?

    It also sounds like she doesn't approve of your relationship? Was she happy when you announced the engagement?

    OP said this: So, we moved in together, she was very angry and told my mom she was worried that I wouldn't give my FI enough freedom to see his friends, that he should be living with his friends and not me.  This makes me think that she was hoping he would maybe take a break from you? How do I phrase this....basically that he would "live a little" before he made the decision to settle down with you. Don't get me wrong, I find it AWESOME you guys are high school sweethearts and have been together that long, but some think that people need to experience life (other people) before they decide that what they've always known is what they want for the rest of their lives.

    God I hope that made sense >.> If not I apologize...wait a bit. I just need to wake up hahaha
    I can definitely see this being a possibility. She does approve of the engagement and was even there when he proposed (both of our families were...it was planned in secret for months). She often says she does love me and loves how my FI's face lights up every time he talks about me.

    Side note: She wanted to her, FI's dad, and FI's brother to wear shirts that said "Us too!" when FI proposed so it would be like he was asking me to marry him AND them. My FI shut down that idea reaaaallly quickly and said "you're insane."

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • NYCBruin - True, it is easier to avoid someone when you don't live with them. I was just pointing out something that could arise in case OP hadn't thought about it. I know there's a phrase for it! Just can't think of it at the moment.

    It's easier to avoid but FMIL could get more annoying? Or she could just show up unannounced too if she is really desperate to see her son. I am not trying to make it sound like your FMIL is crazy or deserves this but she really needs to learn personal space. OP POSTED:
    Side note: She wanted to her, FI's dad, and FI's brother to wear shirts that said "Us too!" when FI proposed so it would be like he was asking me to marry him AND them. My FI shut down that idea reaaaallly quickly and said "you're insane." Plus all the other examples you posted earlier is just way too, clingy? I understand her baby boy is always going to be her baby but she really needs to you guys have your own life, together, as a COUPLE. It just really sounds like she is having a hard time letting him go.


    @OP That is awesome to hear that she approves and that she can see how happy FI is with you. That is a good thing but is there anyone else acting like her or is it just FMIL? I'm not a mother so I don't know this feeling of "losing a child" when they are all grown up and going to get married but she seriously needs to learn to let go.


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • CLI242009 said:
    I think moving out is a great idea, just like PPs have said but this is also a double edged sword. He lives at home and she sees him, yet she still complains he doesn't spend enough time with family/her. She complains when he chooses YOU over his family/her. At least that's what it sounds like from what OP posted.

    Moving out might make this worse. I could easily see her bugging you guys even more about coming over and visiting. Not going out to lunch, not calling and talking, etc. If she made a big deal about you guys moving in together while at college, I believe she'll make a big deal still if you guys move out. That whole moving in together thing makes it sound like she wasn't okay because you weren't married?

    It also sounds like she doesn't approve of your relationship? Was she happy when you announced the engagement?

    OP said this: So, we moved in together, she was very angry and told my mom she was worried that I wouldn't give my FI enough freedom to see his friends, that he should be living with his friends and not me.  This makes me think that she was hoping he would maybe take a break from you? How do I phrase this....basically that he would "live a little" before he made the decision to settle down with you. Don't get me wrong, I find it AWESOME you guys are high school sweethearts and have been together that long, but some think that people need to experience life (other people) before they decide that what they've always known is what they want for the rest of their lives.

    God I hope that made sense >.> If not I apologize...wait a bit. I just need to wake up hahaha
    To the blue bolded: I think my dad had that philosophy about me and Fi, and I sometimes get questions from girlfriends like, "Don't you want to go experiment a little?" NO.  No I don't!  I watched all of you sleep with the wrong guys, get your hearts broken, break off engagements, and cry about your breakups long enough.  I know when I've got the right guy in front of me.

    @Callalily25, FMIL sounds BSC.  She wanted her whole family in those tee shirts at the actual proposal?  O.o

    I think PPs could be right that she might make more of a stink at first when you move out.  That's okay.  She'd make that stink when you move out regardless, so just get it over with.  Rip off that Band-Aid.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • NYCBruin said:
    To the bolded, I think it's possible, but it also puts the OP and her FI in a better bargaining position.  Oh you want us to come over, well then you're going to need to stop doing x, y and z.  It's hard to say "no" or "bug off" when you're living under the same roof.
    This.  Moving out will make it so your FI sees your FMIL on his terms and not everyday.  She'll get used to it eventually.
  • I'm also in the camp of it will get worse and then it will get better. When DH moved out, and we moved in together, his grandmother said, 'Well, who's going to do for me now? I need things done!' She initially called him a lot (not me, because she doesn't have my phone number), but he stood firm and said no. It took getting used to, but she got there. Sort of.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • To the blue bolded: I think my dad had that philosophy about me and Fi, and I sometimes get questions from girlfriends like, "Don't you want to go experiment a little?" NO.  No I don't!  I watched all of you sleep with the wrong guys, get your hearts broken, break off engagements, and cry about your breakups long enough.  I know when I've got the right guy in front of me.

    (stuck in the box!!)

    Yeah I have co workers and friends back home in CA that are completely boggled by the fact that I'm only going to ever have one guy I've ever slept with. I even had one co worker tell me that I HAVE to try out a black **** before I settle. Apparently I'm insane if I don't?? lol

    I too had the same realization. It's like...why?? why do i want to go through all of that crap? why all the mind games? no thanks. My FI is my best friend. We know every little thing about each other and I quite like it that way. No mind games. No judgement or paranoia about being judged. No "does he like me" or "not like me" None of it. So happy we skipped it. When you have the right person...you just know =)

    Good luck! If you guys decide to move out and in together I wish you luck! I hope FMIL doesn't put up too much of a hassle.


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • CLI242009 said:
    NYCBruin - True, it is easier to avoid someone when you don't live with them. I was just pointing out something that could arise in case OP hadn't thought about it. I know there's a phrase for it! Just can't think of it at the moment.

    It's easier to avoid but FMIL could get more annoying? Or she could just show up unannounced too if she is really desperate to see her son. I am not trying to make it sound like your FMIL is crazy or deserves this but she really needs to learn personal space. OP POSTED:
    Side note: She wanted to her, FI's dad, and FI's brother to wear shirts that said "Us too!" when FI proposed so it would be like he was asking me to marry him AND them. My FI shut down that idea reaaaallly quickly and said "you're insane." Plus all the other examples you posted earlier is just way too, clingy? I understand her baby boy is always going to be her baby but she really needs to you guys have your own life, together, as a COUPLE. It just really sounds like she is having a hard time letting him go.


    @OP That is awesome to hear that she approves and that she can see how happy FI is with you. That is a good thing but is there anyone else acting like her or is it just FMIL? I'm not a mother so I don't know this feeling of "losing a child" when they are all grown up and going to get married but she seriously needs to learn to let go.


    I agree that it may have been something OP didn't think about.  Just pointing out that although FMIL may be more annoying, she'll also be more avoidable.  It may get worse for a bit, but eventually she'll get used to it.  You can ignore a phone call/text/email, you can't exactly ignore the person you live with.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • When you move in together, make sure his mother doesn't get a key!! I've read horror stories on these boards about mothers dropping by and entering unannounced
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • LizM61409 said:
    When you move in together, make sure his mother doesn't get a key!! I've read horror stories on these boards about mothers dropping by and entering unannounced

    My FBIL currently does this and it drives me MENTAL. He has an 'emergency key', but chooses to use it whenever he comes over, instead of actually knocking and acknowledging that it's not his house and that maybe I might not be decent at the very second he walks in. He'll also occasionally arrive at our house BEFORE we even get home from work, and just camp out! I'm making FI have another talk with him tomorrow. Don't let your FMIL turn into this.


    image

  • My FBIL currently does this and it drives me MENTAL. He has an 'emergency key', but chooses to use it whenever he comes over, instead of actually knocking and acknowledging that it's not his house and that maybe I might not be decent at the very second he walks in. He'll also occasionally arrive at our house BEFORE we even get home from work, and just camp out! I'm making FI have another talk with him tomorrow. Don't let your FMIL turn into this.
    This. ^^^ So much this. My mom actually has a key to our place, because she stays with us when she's in town for work. It works for us -- AND, it was DH's idea to give her a key and have her stay with us.

    The first time she came down after we were married, she said, "I'll be in town on X date and I'm staying at Y hotel. Can you come over for dinner?" DH said, "No, you're staying with us, in our spare bedroom. I'll make you a spare key so you can get in if we're still at work when you get there. But you're not staying at a hotel."

    She's stayed with us three times since then -- once for an extra day because she got snowed in and we had to go to work -- and it's been lovely. He likes having her stay because he likes the sense of normalcy of a happy family. I like having her stay because she's my mom and we get along really, really well.

    On the other hand, DH's grandmother does NOT have a key, despite asking repeatedly for one, and will never have a key because she cannot be trusted not to just come over whenever she damn well pleases.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • When you move in together, make sure his mother doesn't get a key!! I've read horror stories on these boards about mothers dropping by and entering unannounced

    *stuck in the box!!*

    The reason I usually see for this happening is because they want a spare key left somewhere in case they get locked out. While it's smart, I would recommend giving it to someone else or hell hiding it somewhere if you can. Especially if you have clingy in laws.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards