FMIL and invite "substitutions."

soontobemrsbuccheri · December 2013

I have never heard of such a thing. FMIL as well as my parents, FFIL and FSMIL were all told on Thanksgiving that the guest list has been finalized (has been for quite some time) and invites were being printed etc the following 2 weekends so that they would be ready for stamping and mailing at the end of the December. My parents didn't say anything other than stating that friends who were invited were excited and waiting for the invite to arrive in the mail. (YAY!). FFIL and FSMIL were also excited and left it at that. FMIL seemed excited and didn't say anything at all.

Fast forward to yesterday. FMIL wants to substitute an invite for a family member that passed away over the summer, but what she doesn't realize is that he was married and his widowed wife is still invited. She then also wants to substitute an invite for a family member that has been extremely ill the last month and "Probably won't be better in 3 months for the wedding." First off, how does she know? She doesn't. Invite still goes out. Period. It's part of etiquette. You can't just "add" people to fill in for those that you A) think aren't going to be able to make it, even though you don't really have a clue and

have passed away but have a widow/widower that is still invited. We flat out told her NO to the request. She then said that she feels that she should be able to verbally invite people should we not make our minimum, even though we have told her numerous times that if the minimum isn't met, our single bridal party members will be able to have first dibs on bringing a date. She doesn't like that and thinks that SHE should get first dibs.

FI and I put our foot down with this. Are we right in doing so?

artbyallie · December 2013

You're right on this (except for not planning for dates for your wedding party in the first place--I personally feel like they should get those from the beginning). Although it's generally not acceptable to invite more people after the invitations go out, calling truly single people to let them know they can now bring a date is more of a gray area and does not include the same potential for hurt a B-list does. It sounds like your FMIL is more looking to invite additional people than random plus ones, which is not okay because they will know they're second-string guests.

kerbohl · December 2013

You are right on the not wanting to invite more people. Stay firm! It is extremely rude on her part that she thinks you wouldn't invite the widow, or that she just assumes someone will remain ill enough to not attend your wedding. I have an uncle that recently divorced - his ex is still invited. They are still part of the family! Passing them over for someone else is rude.

soontobemrsbuccheri · December 2013

I am completely astounded. Now FMIL has emailed me a list of people she wants to add to the invite list. I did a Whoops, delete button hit and called FI. He said he got the same email to which he also deleted. Then while on the phone we both got text messages and FB messages telling us she sent an email. Bah! I can't wait to tell her NO again. Geeeeze!

Wzz · December 2013

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grbSQ6O6kbs

CLI242009 · December 2013

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

I am completely astounded. Now FMIL has emailed me a list of people she wants to add to the invite list. I did a Whoops, delete button hit and called FI. He said he got the same email to which he also deleted. Then while on the phone we both got text messages and FB messages telling us she sent an email. Bah! I can't wait to tell her NO again. Geeeeze!

Wow...your FMIL is not getting it is she o.O? I know it's going to get annoying but you guys stand firm and just keep telling her no. I wish you luck!!

kmmssg · December 2013

If need be, LIE through your teet and tell her you met your minimums.

soontobemrsbuccheri · December 2013

Wzz said:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grbSQ6O6kbs

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

CLI242009 said:

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

I am completely astounded. Now FMIL has emailed me a list of people she wants to add to the invite list. I did a Whoops, delete button hit and called FI. He said he got the same email to which he also deleted. Then while on the phone we both got text messages and FB messages telling us she sent an email. Bah! I can't wait to tell her NO again. Geeeeze!

Wow...your FMIL is not getting it is she o.O? I know it's going to get annoying but you guys stand firm and just keep telling her no. I wish you luck!!

She's bit of a control freak. Ever since we started planning she's been 'forcing' her ideas onto us. We've caved to a few of them, but have since put our foot down. She has been demanding numerous things that she has no right to demand. She has since called and emailed again, yesterday evening. She keeps saying she has a right as the grooms mother. I told her over the phone last night that the guest list was final and she OK'd it a few weeks ago when I double (triple/quadruple) checked with her. I am not making any changes because if I add additional people and our RSVP's are more than our minimum, she will be paying the difference. She didn't like that.

kmmssg said:

If need be, LIE through your teet and tell her you met your minimums.

We already have a lie planned when the RSVP deadline hits...we figure she'll be calling/hounding us again so we are going to tell her that we have met our minimum (even if we didn't). She has no way of knowing...she's not going to be here watching me collect and tally up RSVP's. If she shows up, she will be turned away. She's NOT welcome.

CLI242009 · December 2013

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

Wzz said:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grbSQ6O6kbs

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

CLI242009 said:

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

I am completely astounded. Now FMIL has emailed me a list of people she wants to add to the invite list. I did a Whoops, delete button hit and called FI. He said he got the same email to which he also deleted. Then while on the phone we both got text messages and FB messages telling us she sent an email. Bah! I can't wait to tell her NO again. Geeeeze!

Wow...your FMIL is not getting it is she o.O? I know it's going to get annoying but you guys stand firm and just keep telling her no. I wish you luck!!

She's bit of a control freak. Ever since we started planning she's been 'forcing' her ideas onto us. We've caved to a few of them, but have since put our foot down. She has been demanding numerous things that she has no right to demand. She has since called and emailed again, yesterday evening. She keeps saying she has a right as the grooms mother. I told her over the phone last night that the guest list was final and she OK'd it a few weeks ago when I double (triple/quadruple) checked with her. I am not making any changes because if I add additional people and our RSVP's are more than our minimum, she will be paying the difference. She didn't like that.

First bold: I kind of understand that with my future mother in law. We haven't had as many problems or as bad but FMIL and some of FI's siblings (FI included too lol) they have obsessive compulsive tendencies. FMIL especially when planning something. Everything has to be perfect. She loves playing hostess and being a great hostess and everyone KNOWS she is a great hostess. The only thing she really flipped out on is when FI and I decided no children at the reception. She tried to convince us that we're punishing those who have kids. We stayed firm but she did try to guilt trip us. Still not caving.

Bold two: The forcing of ideas, I understand that perfectly. It's not my FMIL, it's his cousin AND FMIL when you get them together >.> I want to slam my head against something just because of all the things they say they are suggesting when it feels more like forcing. We've spoken up about it and they've backed off but every once in awhile they'll try to do it again.

Bold three: Yeah the caving is what sets it off. We did the same thing. My FI was trying to play the family politics game, keeping everyone happy, etc. and when we tried to do that, it felt more like everyone's wedding and not our wedding. Definitely keep putting your foot down. It's the only way. Sooner or later she'll get the hint, if not...then FI seriously needs to talk to her.

hyechica81 · December 2013

her trying to invite people is tacky imagine she calls up 5 couples and says my son and his fi were having some issues with invites not getting to people and getting lost in the mail anyways i want to make sure you can make the wedding this is the time and date and what would you like to eat here is the reception and church info. they show up to church great you at the end at your receiving line and say ill see you at the reception then what.

this what you could say the venue that we booked gave us this room and we are at the rooms capacity with the amount of guest that are coming, although i know you would like to have so and so come it will not be possible as there is no seating for them and the venue will not allow more people than what the room can hold

CLI242009 · December 2013

hyechica81 said:

her trying to invite people is tacky imagine she calls up 5 couples and says my son and his fi were having some issues with invites not getting to people and getting lost in the mail anyways i want to make sure you can make the wedding this is the time and date and what would you like to eat here is the reception and church info. they show up to church great you at the end at your receiving line and say ill see you at the reception then what.

this what you could say the venue that we booked gave us this room and we are at the rooms capacity with the amount of guest that are coming, although i know you would like to have so and so come it will not be possible as there is no seating for them and the venue will not allow more people than what the room can hold

This is just me thinking the really dramatic but if FMIL really wanted her way, unless it was an invitation only event (not sure if that's what it's called but it's when you present your invite at the door to be allowed in) anyone could show up and take the seats. That's how most wedding crashers get in anyways.....the people she wants there could easily get in.

hmonkey · December 2013

CLI242009 said:
This is just me thinking the really dramatic but if FMIL really wanted her way, unless it was an invitation only event (not sure if that's what it's called but it's when you present your invite at the door to be allowed in) anyone could show up and take the seats. That's how most wedding crashers get in anyways.....the people she wants there could easily get in.

DO YOU MEAN LIKE IN THE MOVIE "GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN" WHERE LYNNE AND JANEY PHOTOCOPY THE INVITES TO NATALIE'S COMING OUT PARTY AND THEN JUST START HANDING THEM OUT ON THE STREET AND THEN ON THE NIGHT OF THE PARTY SOMEONE CRASHES IT BY CANNONBALLING THROUGH A PLATE GLASS WINDOW?

natalie wasn't happy, but you can't please everyone!

CLI242009 · December 2013

hmonkey said:

CLI242009 said:
This is just me thinking the really dramatic but if FMIL really wanted her way, unless it was an invitation only event (not sure if that's what it's called but it's when you present your invite at the door to be allowed in) anyone could show up and take the seats. That's how most wedding crashers get in anyways.....the people she wants there could easily get in.

DO YOU MEAN LIKE IN THE MOVIE "GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN" WHERE LYNNE AND JANEY PHOTOCOPY THE INVITES TO NATALIE'S COMING OUT PARTY AND THEN JUST START HANDING THEM OUT ON THE STREET AND THEN ON THE NIGHT OF THE PARTY SOMEONE CRASHES IT BY CANNONBALLING THROUGH A PLATE GLASS WINDOW?

natalie wasn't happy, but you can't please everyone!

Uhhh I have no idea HAHAHA I've never seen that movie but basically yes. I know you can't make everyone happy. I was just putting it out there just in case this FMIL is that ummm crazy thinking...to put it nicely?

I know this is very extreme/dramatic but hey you never know, right?

soontobemrsbuccheri · December 2013

CLI242009 said:

hyechica81 said:

her trying to invite people is tacky imagine she calls up 5 couples and says my son and his fi were having some issues with invites not getting to people and getting lost in the mail anyways i want to make sure you can make the wedding this is the time and date and what would you like to eat here is the reception and church info. they show up to church great you at the end at your receiving line and say ill see you at the reception then what.

this what you could say the venue that we booked gave us this room and we are at the rooms capacity with the amount of guest that are coming, although i know you would like to have so and so come it will not be possible as there is no seating for them and the venue will not allow more people than what the room can hold

This is just me thinking the really dramatic but if FMIL really wanted her way, unless it was an invitation only event (not sure if that's what it's called but it's when you present your invite at the door to be allowed in) anyone could show up and take the seats. That's how most wedding crashers get in anyways.....the people she wants there could easily get in.

I was thinking that, but I don't think she's like that. Best part was the other day, when I was organizing my "to-do list" for Christmas Eve Dinner (we're hosting) she called and asked if we would be hand delivering their invites on Christmas Eve. I told her politely that they will be mailed out at the same time as all of the other invites, on January 3rd. No one is getting an invite earlier than that, and there will be no hand delivering of my invites...period! She said that since we're all going to be at dinner, that I should hand them out. Her daughter had done that for her wedding over 6 years ago for extremely close family (Mom/Dad/step-mom/Uncle/FI). I think it's tacky! God, I swear she's just trying to push my buttons.

CLI242009 · December 2013

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

CLI242009 said:

hyechica81 said:

her trying to invite people is tacky imagine she calls up 5 couples and says my son and his fi were having some issues with invites not getting to people and getting lost in the mail anyways i want to make sure you can make the wedding this is the time and date and what would you like to eat here is the reception and church info. they show up to church great you at the end at your receiving line and say ill see you at the reception then what.

this what you could say the venue that we booked gave us this room and we are at the rooms capacity with the amount of guest that are coming, although i know you would like to have so and so come it will not be possible as there is no seating for them and the venue will not allow more people than what the room can hold

This is just me thinking the really dramatic but if FMIL really wanted her way, unless it was an invitation only event (not sure if that's what it's called but it's when you present your invite at the door to be allowed in) anyone could show up and take the seats. That's how most wedding crashers get in anyways.....the people she wants there could easily get in.

I was thinking that, but I don't think she's like that. Best part was the other day, when I was organizing my "to-do list" for Christmas Eve Dinner (we're hosting) she called and asked if we would be hand delivering their invites on Christmas Eve. I told her politely that they will be mailed out at the same time as all of the other invites, on January 3rd. No one is getting an invite earlier than that, and there will be no hand delivering of my invites...period! She said that since we're all going to be at dinner, that I should hand them out. Her daughter had done that for her wedding over 6 years ago for extremely close family (Mom/Dad/step-mom/Uncle/FI). I think it's tacky! God, I swear she's just trying to push my buttons.

I believe if you do this for quite a few people on your guest list, yes it can be tacky, I agree. Although I did do this, just like her daughter did, when we were making our DIY invites. We went over to FI's parent's house to finish cutting, gluing and stuffing the inserts in. They have a large dining table and we asked before coming over. When making them up his siblings who still live at home and his parents asked if they could just take their invite now so that they could help us save on postage. FI and I agreed. So with close family like your FMIL suggested, I don't think it's tacky depending on the circumstances. That's just me though.

I don't think she's trying to press your buttons per se. My FI has a cousin who is very opinionated. So her suggestions and opinions can com across very intrusive. Your FMIL definitely needs to learn when you guys give your answer, that's it, end of discussion. She needs to stop pushing. For this one though, with the invites I really think she was merely suggesting something. Although if she kept pushing it or bringing it up, yeah that wouldn't be right of her at all.

Good luck getting through the holidays with them.

You're almost at the 2 month mark!!! ^_^

soontobemrsbuccheri · December 2013

CLI242009 said: soontobemrsbuccheri said: CLI242009 said: hyechica81 said: her trying to invite people is tacky imagine she calls up 5 couples and says my son and his fi were having some issues with invites not getting to people and getting lost in the mail anyways i want to make sure you can make the wedding this is the time and date and what would you like to eat here is the reception and church info. they show up to church great you at the end at your receiving line and say ill see you at the reception then what.

this what you could say the venue that we booked gave us this room and we are at the rooms capacity with the amount of guest that are coming, although i know you would like to have so and so come it will not be possible as there is no seating for them and the venue will not allow more people than what the room can hold
This is just me thinking the really dramatic but if FMIL really wanted her way, unless it was an invitation only event (not sure if that's what it's called but it's when you present your invite at the door to be allowed in) anyone could show up and take the seats. That's how most wedding crashers get in anyways.....the people she wants there could easily get in.
I was thinking that, but I don't think she's like that. Best part was the other day, when I was organizing my "to-do list" for Christmas Eve Dinner (we're hosting) she called and asked if we would be hand delivering their invites on Christmas Eve. I told her politely that they will be mailed out at the same time as all of the other invites, on January 3rd. No one is getting an invite earlier than that, and there will be no hand delivering of my invites...period! She said that since we're all going to be at dinner, that I should hand them out. Her daughter had done that for her wedding over 6 years ago for extremely close family (Mom/Dad/step-mom/Uncle/FI). I think it's tacky! God, I swear she's just trying to push my buttons. I believe if you do this for quite a few people on your guest list, yes it can be tacky, I agree. Although I did do this, just like her daughter did, when we were making our DIY invites. We went over to FI's parent's house to finish cutting, gluing and stuffing the inserts in. They have a large dining table and we asked before coming over. When making them up his siblings who still live at home and his parents asked if they could just take their invite now so that they could help us save on postage. FI and I agreed. So with close family like your FMIL suggested, I don't think it's tacky depending on the circumstances. That's just me though.

I don't think she's trying to press your buttons per se. My FI has a cousin who is very opinionated. So her suggestions and opinions can com across very intrusive. Your FMIL definitely needs to learn when you guys give your answer, that's it, end of discussion. She needs to stop pushing. For this one though, with the invites I really think she was merely suggesting something. Although if she kept pushing it or bringing it up, yeah that wouldn't be right of her at all.

Good luck getting through the holidays with them.

You're almost at the 2 month mark!!! ^_^
FI and I had discussed hand delivering invites to family members during Christmas about 2 weeks ago when I was printing them. We thought about the pros and cons of this and figured that it wouldn't be the best idea as they could get misplaced or thrown out by accident as both our families are not exactly careful when it comes to tossing things (I once threw out my live paycheck (all of like $100 reimbursement for travel)) and had to wait a week for a replacement because of my careless self. Not to mention they aren't fully assembled AND they've been put away until after Christmas. I promised myself when I put them away that I wouldn't worry about them until the day after Christmas (when I buy the postage!!). With FMIL consistently pushing to have only HER invite given to her on Christmas eve, we put our foot down, yet again to her and told her no. Plus, she does like to make things about her - actually, scratch that - she makes EVERYTHING about her. I am NOT looking forward to having her over tonight for Christmas Eve dinner. Ohhh boy. At least my sister, my one brother and my parents will all be here so I have someone to take the brunt of her crap...and her camera in your face attitude too.

CLI242009 · December 2013

Not to mention they aren't fully assembled AND they've been put away until after Christmas. I promised myself when I put them away that I wouldn't worry about them until the day after Christmas (when I buy the postage!!). With FMIL consistently pushing to have only HER invite given to her on Christmas eve, we put our foot down, yet again to her and told her no. Plus, she does like to make things about her - actually, scratch that - she makes EVERYTHING about her. I am NOT looking forward to having her over tonight for Christmas Eve dinner. Ohhh boy. At least my sister, my one brother and my parents will all be here so I have someone to take the brunt of her crap...and her camera in your face attitude too.

o.O Wait what the heck, why should she get special treatment? Yes definitely keep your foot down. I can understand if she was suggesting handing them out to whoever was going to be in attendance but just hers, uhh no.

Sorry for deleting everything but it was all jumbled up. Yes if they weren't put together and you promised you wouldn't worry about them till after Christmas, I would stick with it and do not make any exceptions.

To her wanting to make everything about her, it seems a lot of mothers to brides and grooms get like this. You're not the first I've read on her complain about this. The reasons might all be different but it just seems like this happens a lot. (my mom included, again for totally different reasons) I would just ignore her, do not talk wedding planning with her (unless she's paying for something?) and just give her small or not so detailed answers when she is pushing for an answer.

I hope you got through tonight unscathed! Enjoy Christmas!

soontobemrsbuccheri · December 2013

CLI242009 said:

Not to mention they aren't fully assembled AND they've been put away until after Christmas. I promised myself when I put them away that I wouldn't worry about them until the day after Christmas (when I buy the postage!!). With FMIL consistently pushing to have only HER invite given to her on Christmas eve, we put our foot down, yet again to her and told her no. Plus, she does like to make things about her - actually, scratch that - she makes EVERYTHING about her. I am NOT looking forward to having her over tonight for Christmas Eve dinner. Ohhh boy. At least my sister, my one brother and my parents will all be here so I have someone to take the brunt of her crap...and her camera in your face attitude too.
o.O Wait what the heck, why should she get special treatment? Yes definitely keep your foot down. I can understand if she was suggesting handing them out to whoever was going to be in attendance but just hers, uhh no.

Sorry for deleting everything but it was all jumbled up. Yes if they weren't put together and you promised you wouldn't worry about them till after Christmas, I would stick with it and do not make any exceptions.

To her wanting to make everything about her, it seems a lot of mothers to brides and grooms get like this. You're not the first I've read on her complain about this. The reasons might all be different but it just seems like this happens a lot. (my mom included, again for totally different reasons) I would just ignore her, do not talk wedding planning with her (unless she's paying for something?) and just give her small or not so detailed answers when she is pushing for an answer.

I hope you got through tonight unscathed! Enjoy Christmas!

Christmas Eve went nicely. There were a couple little "issues" but they were handled quickly and quietly away from other family members ears. Christmas day was a blur. FI and I decided to give invitations out to immediate family (excluding FMIL) christmas day. We won't be seeing FMIL until Saturday/Sunday so we will probably give hers to her then. Needless to say, everyone loved our invites. Yes, I know I went back on my word, but they (the immediate family we saw) weren't bugging us for invites. They had asked a few weeks ago when they should be expecting it in the mail and that's about it. FMIL will get hers, and we will most likely hand deliver it this weekend. I could care less if FSIL went to FMIL to say she got hers. FMIL isn't going to be 'rewarded' for her negative behavior. My FFIL and FSMIL got their invite (and opened it) first on Christmas day. They were thrilled.

)

Chipmunk415 · December 2013

We mailed out invites, regardless of how soon it was before we saw someone. Our RD invites to my parents actually arrived the day WE did to celebrate Christmas. Downside to handing them out- you can lose track. Had a mortifying moment last week, when FI's Dad called us up b*$^ing about the fact that his friend had not received his invitation, demanding to know why it hadn't gotten to him. I had a few moments panic, followed by satisfaction when I realized (and informed FFIL) that the reason I had not sent the invite was because I did not have it on the list of addresses- when we asked for the friend's address to send the STD several months prior, FFIL and FSMIL INSISTED we just give them the STD to give in person to the friend and his wife. FFIL said nothing further, but I got the address and send out the invite within 24 hrs. :-)

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

Well played @Chipmunk915! Well played!

FMIL and invite "substitutions."

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