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My FBIL and FSIL are about to make a huge faux pas

JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
The problem is, I'm pretty sure they are going to B list people.  FBIL (Fi's brother) and FSIL are getting married in July.  They only just got engaged this month, so they are trying to plan the wedding pretty quickly.  Yesterday we were chatting about wedding stuff, and FSIL said: "We are trying to keep our guest list down as close to our 130 minimum as we can.  I have plenty of coworkers I can invite if we get a lot of No's and it looks like we might fall below the minimum, but we'll just have to see what all the family says first."  FBIL and FSIL are very money-conscious (they have been saving Coke caps for YEARS for their honeymoon), so it seems like exactly the kind of thing they would do and just think they're being smart.

Fi's entire family was there and I didn't want to cause a scene, so I just said something like, "I'm sure your coworkers would love to be invited."  Obviously invites won't go out for a few months, so there is some time to gently correct this.  Is this my place or do I let it slide?
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"I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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Re: My FBIL and FSIL are about to make a huge faux pas

  • aurorajanetteaurorajanette member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think this completely depends on your relationship with them. In an ideal world, you could gently say something about B-Lists, but in reality unless they ask for your opinion it will probably cause drama. People don't often enjoy unsolicited advice.

    If they ask you, be truthful (and gentle - they are your future in-laws). If they don't ask, I would let it go. It's their faux pas and has very little to do with you. Maybe direct them to this site.
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would probably say something or refer them to The Knot Community, or maybe buy them a wedding etiquette book for their engagement party (if they are having one). 
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  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    alisonmarie658 said:
    Unless you approach this juuuuust right they are going to get offended and B-list all the more. 
    This. It's probably not your place. It sucks, but some people really just don't care about their guests as much as others. I see people all the time that think it's some big honor that the guest be 'allowed' to watch them get married, uhg. 
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    doeydo said:
    I would probably say something or refer them to The Knot Community, or maybe buy them a wedding etiquette book for their engagement party (if they are having one). 
    I actually was thinking about buying FSIL a pretty wedding planning binder as an engagement gift.  Maybe I'll get her one that includes a few pages on etiquette and leave it at that.
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    It sounds like it's still early enough that invites haven't been sent, so I would wait and see what they actually do. If you aren't that close w them perhaps you could relay a story about how you were B listed and subtly relay how that made u feel? That may work or it may not, but whenever I see something is not right and I don't want to get an earful I find telling personal stories from the opposing perspective is a non threatening way to subtly get your point across. Good luck!
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  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    It's probably best to give the planning book and tell her how much you've learned about planning on TK. But if you've been lurking/posting long, the etiquette board is a perfect example of how much people do not like to be told they are doing something rude/against etiquette.
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Very true
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Yeah, I've only been posting on a regular basis for a month or two, but I've seen some real train wrecks when brides don't hear what they want.
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You also might be able to tell her about asking her venue for upgrades if she doesn't make her minimum on guests so she's not counting on all those B listed guests showing up. It could be an option to upgrade the appetizers or something instead of inviting last minute people who may or may not show.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I think it's worth emphasizing that if your future in-laws do make this huge mistake, it is not YOUR fault (regardless of whether or not you speak up and say anything).
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    As long as they aren't B listing people you plan to invite to your wedding I would just buy the planning/etiquette book and leave it at that. If they were B listing people I was planning to invite to my wedding I would have your FI say something so they don't offend people you have a vested interest in.
    GL!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    photokitty said:
    As long as they aren't B listing people you plan to invite to your wedding I would just buy the planning/etiquette book and leave it at that. If they were B listing people I was planning to invite to my wedding I would have your FI say something so they don't offend people you have a vested interest in.
    GL!
    What is your reasoning behind this? I don't see why it should matter. Yes, it's rude, but OPs guests won't assume that she's rude just because FBIL is.
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  • arrippaarrippa member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    All the PP's have great advice, but a question- are the Coke caps for magic mountain or is there another Coke thing going on that I don't know about? Admittedly, I don't drink a lot of soda. I am just curious if I should be.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    misssunshine17 said:
    photokitty said:
    As long as they aren't B listing people you plan to invite to your wedding I would just buy the planning/etiquette book and leave it at that. If they were B listing people I was planning to invite to my wedding I would have your FI say something so they don't offend people you have a vested interest in.
    GL!
    What is your reasoning behind this? I don't see why it should matter. Yes, it's rude, but OPs guests won't assume that she's rude just because FBIL is.
    It's not that they will think OP is rude, but her FMIL & FFIL. My reasoning is bc if they piss off people they might hold it against OP's FI's family and think they are all rude and poor hosts. I know I would think his parents were rude (for allowing the B&G to b list), if their name is listed on the invite as hosts. I would then think they would be poor hosts again when I was invited to OP's wedding also hosted by the "offending" parents. If FI's parents are hosts then any bad behavior will be reflected on FI's parents. As a result it could impact the guests' attitude toward the OP's wedding.

    Every day on here people say they would write people off for bad behavior and poor etiquette and I would expect this breach of etiquette to have an impact on OP's wedding IF the b listed guests are on her guest list too.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    moemacWed30594 said:
    All the PP's have great advice, but a question- are the Coke caps for magic mountain or is there another Coke thing going on that I don't know about? Admittedly, I don't drink a lot of soda. I am just curious if I should be.
    Hmm, I'm not really sure what they are saving them for.  I think there is some sort of points system where they can trade it in for various prizes, including potentially for travel.  They are also saving beer caps so they can make a table/ tile their bathroom, which I actually think could look pretty cool if done right.

    @photokitty: I see what you're saying, that there's some self-interest for me if the B listed guests would also be our guests, because I don't want them associating that with my wedding too.  No, the B-listed guest would be friends and coworkers of the couple, not anybody Fi and I would invite.  I just hate to see them do this to anybody, but it seems like it's not really the right situation to talk to them about it.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    JCBride2014 said:
    @photokitty: I see what you're saying, that there's some self-interest for me if the B listed guests would also be our guests, because I don't want them associating that with my wedding too.  No, the B-listed guest would be friends and coworkers of the couple, not anybody Fi and I would invite.  I just hate to see them do this to anybody, but it seems like it's not really the right situation to talk to them about it.
    I know what you mean, but you can't save people front themselves sometimes. If the guests will not overlap I'd probably stay out of it - even though I agree I'd hate to see anyone do it. I'd hope they brought it up in conversation so I could say, "I read that was called b listing and might offend guests." But I have a big mouth and am opinionated :-p Either way I'm glad they are not any of the same folks you would be inviting. You could however suggest FI point out to him mom how b listing would reflect poorly on her as a host and perhaps she will agree and address it with FBIL.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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