Ceremony at Venue OR Church?

Alh728 · December 2013

Hello all!

So, my boyfriend is Catholic (bnot overly religious) & I am agnostic (totally spiritual). I don't think he would be picky as to where we hold the ceremony, BUT his grandmother is really hoping that we do get married in a Church. Wanting to compromise and please our immediate family, I am trying to think the best way to manage so just looking for any creative ideas. I was thinking maybe a non denomenational church with a less religious ceremony? Traditional setting without all the "God" business (no disrespect meant). Wondering if priests will go to a venue to do the ceremony? Just looking for diff ideas to discuss with the family... any suggestions are welcome!

monkeysip · December 2013

It is nice to compromise with family, but NOT over the ceremony!

You need to figure out exactly what you and FI want... no one else! If FI is concerned about practicing his faith, then he needs to marry in the Church. Marrying outside the Church means that he would no longer be able to receive communion (assuming he currently does).

If that doesn't really matter to him, then you both can have a non-Church wedding, and you both can decide if you want ANY mention of God or religious readings, etc.

Priests are not supposed to perform ceremonies outside of the Church. If you find one that does, it's meaningless since the marriage still won't be valid with the Church. Don't get a priest to officiate just for appearances. Your wedding ceremony should authentically reflect you and your FI's beliefs, not family beliefs.

If religion isn't going to be a part of you and FI's life, then his family needs to get past that now. If you let them pressure you, what would happen if you had kids, for example? They'd pressure you into baptism, etc. These are important decisions you and FI need to make together.

Alh728 · December 2013

You are so very right, thank you so much! Def puts things into perspective!!!

MobKaz · December 2013

I have been both a MOB and MOG. I am also Catholic.

My son and his wife chose to marry in a secular setting. There was nary a prayer or religious tone whatsoever. Did it mess with my personal mindset and beliefs? Absolutely! Was it my worry or business? Not at all. Their life. Their choices. I was glad that their setting had significance for them. They married in a beautiful courtyard on the campus of their grad school, where they met. (The irony of the courtyard being directly across the street from an incredibly beautiful chapel was not lost on me.)

My point is that you, as a couple, need to make your decisions and choices based on the life you intend to lead. Their intent was not to disrespect any of their guests. Your FI's grandmother needs to realize that for you and your FI to marry under circumstances that are not true to who you are would be disrespectful. Is there a chance you could marry in a setting that has meaning for you and your FI?

Also, monkeysip mentions the most important piece as it relates to your FI. If he chooses to marry outside of the Catholic Church, his marriage will be invalid in Her eyes. If he is OK with this, then proceed with what speaks to you.

CLI242009 · December 2013

mobkaz said:

I have been both a MOB and MOG. I am also Catholic.

My son and his wife chose to marry in a secular setting. There was nary a prayer or religious tone whatsoever. Did it mess with my personal mindset and beliefs? Absolutely! Was it my worry or business? Not at all. Their life. Their choices. I was glad that their setting had significance for them. They married in a beautiful courtyard on the campus of their grad school, where they met. (The irony of the courtyard being directly across the street from an incredibly beautiful chapel was not lost on me.)

My point is that you, as a couple, need to make your decisions and choices based on the life you intend to lead. Their intent was not to disrespect any of their guests. Your FI's grandmother needs to realize that for you and your FI to marry under circumstances that are not true to who you are would be disrespectful. Is there a chance you could marry in a setting that has meaning for you and your FI?

Also, monkeysip mentions the most important piece as it relates to your FI. If he chooses to marry outside of the Catholic Church, his marriage will be invalid in Her eyes. If he is OK with this, then proceed with what speaks to you.

I'm going to add onto this because this is from my FI's personal experience. Even if you DO get married in a church, some of your more religious guests will be happy about that. The more strict religious relatives (grandma included) might not even recognize the marriage still because you did not say the sacramental vows.

My FI's uncle got married in a church and most of the relatives were pleased, except for a few. They did not say the sacramental vows.

His mother has even warned us that if we said our personal vows BEFORE our sacramental vows that some of his family would not recognize our marriage. We are having a Catholic Mass wedding in respect of my FI's religious views and I am completely okay with that. Just things I am learning as I'm planning our ceremony.

doeydo · December 2013

Alh728 said:

Hello all!

So, my boyfriend is Catholic (bnot overly religious) & I am agnostic (totally spiritual). I don't think he would be picky as to where we hold the ceremony, BUT his grandmother is really hoping that we do get married in a Church. Wanting to compromise and please our immediate family, I am trying to think the best way to manage so just looking for any creative ideas. I was thinking maybe a non denomenational church with a less religious ceremony? Traditional setting without all the "God" business (no disrespect meant). Wondering if priests will go to a venue to do the ceremony? Just looking for diff ideas to discuss with the family... any suggestions are welcome!

Wait, are you engaged or not? Stop pre-planning if you are not engaged...

artbyallie · December 2013

doeydo said: Alh728 said: Hello all! So, my boyfriend is Catholic (bnot overly religious) & I am agnostic (totally spiritual). I don't think he would be picky as to where we hold the ceremony, BUT his grandmother is really hoping that we do get married in a Church. Wanting to compromise and please our immediate family, I am trying to think the best way to manage so just looking for any creative ideas. I was thinking maybe a non denomenational church with a less religious ceremony? Traditional setting without all the "God" business (no disrespect meant). Wondering if priests will go to a venue to do the ceremony? Just looking for diff ideas to discuss with the family... any suggestions are welcome! Wait, are you engaged or not? Stop pre-planning if you are not engaged...

Really, though. this is something people should discuss before deciding to get married.

OP, I don't think this was mentioned, but a Catholic priest will not perform or be involved with a ceremony outside of the Catholic Church. Some retired deacons might, but that is not recognized by the Church and would still result in your boyfriend losing the sacraments, assuming he was confirmed. (Please someone else correct me if any of this is inaccurate. I am not Catholic.)

CLI242009 · December 2013

artbyallie said:

doeydo said:

Alh728 said:

Hello all!

So, my boyfriend is Catholic (bnot overly religious) & I am agnostic (totally spiritual). I don't think he would be picky as to where we hold the ceremony, BUT his grandmother is really hoping that we do get married in a Church. Wanting to compromise and please our immediate family, I am trying to think the best way to manage so just looking for any creative ideas. I was thinking maybe a non denomenational church with a less religious ceremony? Traditional setting without all the "God" business (no disrespect meant). Wondering if priests will go to a venue to do the ceremony? Just looking for diff ideas to discuss with the family... any suggestions are welcome!
Wait, are you engaged or not? Stop pre-planning if you are not engaged...

Really, though. this is something people should discuss before deciding to get married.

OP, I don't think this was mentioned, but a Catholic priest will not perform or be involved with a ceremony outside of the Catholic Church. Some retired deacons might, but that is not recognized by the Church and would still result in your boyfriend losing the sacraments, assuming he was confirmed. (Please someone else correct me if any of this is inaccurate. I am not Catholic.)

No you are correct. Priests do not perform marriages outside of the church. I know there are some special circumstances (bed ridden or stuck in a hospital bed. this is morbid but also if one of the couple is dying) other than that a priest will say no about marrying you.

Also this is for some of the more strict priests but there are some priests who will refuse to marry a couple if you're living together already. I know this sounds extreme but priests have been known to ask the couple to live as "brother and sister" until their wedding day. Others have told couples flat out that unless you are living separately, that said priest will not marry you.

This isn't for all priests but this has been known and has even been said on here by other brides who have gotten married in Catholic churches.

blabla89 · December 2013

You should definitely discuss matters of faith before getting engaged. More important than the ceremony, though, is to understand how those differences will impact your lives together and how you'll compromise. But with that said, don't pre-plan, you will drive yourself crazy.

Different denominations have different policies on performing weddings. I'm not Catholic but my understanding (from Catholic friends who married non-Catholics) is that you would have to formally convert to Catholicism in order to have the wedding in a Catholic church. I would assume a priest wouldn't perform the wedding at another venue.

Other denominations may allow non-member weddings at the church with the pastor officiating. This may require some counseling sessions with a pastor or elder before they'll marry you.

ETA: spelling

ashleyep · December 2013

CLI242009 said:

mobkaz said:

I have been both a MOB and MOG. I am also Catholic.

My son and his wife chose to marry in a secular setting. There was nary a prayer or religious tone whatsoever. Did it mess with my personal mindset and beliefs? Absolutely! Was it my worry or business? Not at all. Their life. Their choices. I was glad that their setting had significance for them. They married in a beautiful courtyard on the campus of their grad school, where they met. (The irony of the courtyard being directly across the street from an incredibly beautiful chapel was not lost on me.)

My point is that you, as a couple, need to make your decisions and choices based on the life you intend to lead. Their intent was not to disrespect any of their guests. Your FI's grandmother needs to realize that for you and your FI to marry under circumstances that are not true to who you are would be disrespectful. Is there a chance you could marry in a setting that has meaning for you and your FI?

Also, monkeysip mentions the most important piece as it relates to your FI. If he chooses to marry outside of the Catholic Church, his marriage will be invalid in Her eyes. If he is OK with this, then proceed with what speaks to you.

I'm going to add onto this because this is from my FI's personal experience. Even if you DO get married in a church, some of your more religious guests will be happy about that. The more strict religious relatives (grandma included) might not even recognize the marriage still because you did not say the sacramental vows.

My FI's uncle got married in a church and most of the relatives were pleased, except for a few. They did not say the sacramental vows.

His mother has even warned us that if we said our personal vows BEFORE our sacramental vows that some of his family would not recognize our marriage. We are having a Catholic Mass wedding in respect of my FI's religious views and I am completely okay with that. Just things I am learning as I'm planning our ceremony.

CLI242009 I didn't think you were allowed to say your own vows in the Catholic Church.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

lalalaurita said:

You should definitely discuss matters of faith before getting engaged. More important than the ceremony, though, is to understand how those differences will impact your lives together and how you'll compromise. But with that said, don't pre-plan, you will drive yourself crazy.

Different denominations have different policies on performing weddings. I'm not Catholic but my understanding (from Catholic friends who married non-Catholics) is that you would have to formally convert to Catholicism in order to have the wedding in a Catholic church. I would assume a priest wouldn't perform the wedding at another venue.

Other denominations may allow non-member weddings at the church with the pastor officiating. This may require some counseling sessions with a pastor or elder before they'll marry you.

ETA: spelling

The bolded is incorrect. It is acceptable to have a non-Catholic marry a Catholic within the Catholic Church. The non-Catholic just has to promise to not intervene with the Catholic raising any future children as Catholic. Sometimes, there are uninformed people working in the Church's offices who think it's required for non-Catholics to convert, but there is no formal doctrine stating this. If the non-Catholic wants to convert because they believe in the teachings of the Church, that is their decision to make.

ashleyep · December 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

lalalaurita said:

You should definitely discuss matters of faith before getting engaged. More important than the ceremony, though, is to understand how those differences will impact your lives together and how you'll compromise. But with that said, don't pre-plan, you will drive yourself crazy.

Different denominations have different policies on performing weddings. I'm not Catholic but my understanding (from Catholic friends who married non-Catholics) is that you would have to formally convert to Catholicism in order to have the wedding in a Catholic church. I would assume a priest wouldn't perform the wedding at another venue.

Other denominations may allow non-member weddings at the church with the pastor officiating. This may require some counseling sessions with a pastor or elder before they'll marry you.

ETA: spelling

The bolded is incorrect. It is acceptable to have a non-Catholic marry a Catholic within the Catholic Church. The non-Catholic just has to promise to not intervene with the Catholic raising any future children as Catholic. Sometimes, there are uninformed people working in the Church's offices who think it's required for non-Catholics to convert, but there is no formal doctrine stating this. If the non-Catholic wants to convert because they believe in the teachings of the Church, that is their decision to make.

The other person doesn't have to be Catholic, but they do have to be baptized, otherwise there's a whole set of hoops to jump through.

CLI242009 · December 2013

ashleyep said:

CLI242009 said:

mobkaz said:

I have been both a MOB and MOG. I am also Catholic.

My son and his wife chose to marry in a secular setting. There was nary a prayer or religious tone whatsoever. Did it mess with my personal mindset and beliefs? Absolutely! Was it my worry or business? Not at all. Their life. Their choices. I was glad that their setting had significance for them. They married in a beautiful courtyard on the campus of their grad school, where they met. (The irony of the courtyard being directly across the street from an incredibly beautiful chapel was not lost on me.)

My point is that you, as a couple, need to make your decisions and choices based on the life you intend to lead. Their intent was not to disrespect any of their guests. Your FI's grandmother needs to realize that for you and your FI to marry under circumstances that are not true to who you are would be disrespectful. Is there a chance you could marry in a setting that has meaning for you and your FI?

Also, monkeysip mentions the most important piece as it relates to your FI. If he chooses to marry outside of the Catholic Church, his marriage will be invalid in Her eyes. If he is OK with this, then proceed with what speaks to you.

I'm going to add onto this because this is from my FI's personal experience. Even if you DO get married in a church, some of your more religious guests will be happy about that. The more strict religious relatives (grandma included) might not even recognize the marriage still because you did not say the sacramental vows.

My FI's uncle got married in a church and most of the relatives were pleased, except for a few. They did not say the sacramental vows.

His mother has even warned us that if we said our personal vows BEFORE our sacramental vows that some of his family would not recognize our marriage. We are having a Catholic Mass wedding in respect of my FI's religious views and I am completely okay with that. Just things I am learning as I'm planning our ceremony.

CLI242009 I didn't think you were allowed to say your own vows in the Catholic Church.

Sorry I never got back to you! I never got a notice! Just randomly checked it tonight. Again it all depends on your priest. Our priest (which is my FI's family's church's priest) is the one who is marrying us and he is allowing us to say personal vows.

He needs to proof read them to make sure they are church appropriate and we have to say them AFTER we say the sacramental vows. There is a tradition in my family, a lei exchange. My FI and I, instead of a unity candle or something like that, we are exchanging leis as we say our personal vows.

Hope this all makes sense lol. We have a pretty laid back priest. He literally said "as long as i get from you guys what I need....you can say whatever in your personal vows" lol

OnceUponSnow · December 2013

In my area it's common that people who are not practicing get married in a Catholic church, because it's the traditional way to go. It's a very personal choice, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable at all and this is why we're having a civil ceremony. However, as a guest, I wouldn't mind attending a wedding in a church, even knowing the couple does not practice. I don't know all of their inner beliefs, and that belongs to them. I would simply abstain from communion as a guest, but wouldn't judge the couple's choice.

CrazyCatLady3 · December 2013

OnceUponSnow said:

In my area it's common that people who are not practicing get married in a Catholic church, because it's the traditional way to go. It's a very personal choice, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable at all and this is why we're having a civil ceremony. However, as a guest, I wouldn't mind attending a wedding in a church, even knowing the couple does not practice. I don't know all of their inner beliefs, and that belongs to them. I would simply abstain from communion as a guest, but wouldn't judge the couple's choice.

Do the priests not question the couples as to whether they are practicing or not? Do the couples just promise to start coming to church again as a married couple? This seems off to me.

CLI242009 · December 2013

CrazyCatLady3 said:

OnceUponSnow said:

In my area it's common that people who are not practicing get married in a Catholic church, because it's the traditional way to go. It's a very personal choice, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable at all and this is why we're having a civil ceremony. However, as a guest, I wouldn't mind attending a wedding in a church, even knowing the couple does not practice. I don't know all of their inner beliefs, and that belongs to them. I would simply abstain from communion as a guest, but wouldn't judge the couple's choice.

Do the priests not question the couples as to whether they are practicing or not? Do the couples just promise to start coming to church again as a married couple? This seems off to me.

You can get married in a church, even if you are practicing the faith or not. It all depends on the ceremony you are having.You also pay a higher fee to use the church compared to those who attend regularly.

For us our priest asked us if we were having a Catholic Mass ceremony or just a regular ceremony with no denomination present.

banana468 · December 2013

CLI242009 said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

OnceUponSnow said:

In my area it's common that people who are not practicing get married in a Catholic church, because it's the traditional way to go. It's a very personal choice, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable at all and this is why we're having a civil ceremony. However, as a guest, I wouldn't mind attending a wedding in a church, even knowing the couple does not practice. I don't know all of their inner beliefs, and that belongs to them. I would simply abstain from communion as a guest, but wouldn't judge the couple's choice.

Do the priests not question the couples as to whether they are practicing or not? Do the couples just promise to start coming to church again as a married couple? This seems off to me.

You can get married in a church, even if you are practicing the faith or not. It all depends on the ceremony you are having.You also pay a higher fee to use the church compared to those who attend regularly.

For us our priest asked us if we were having a Catholic Mass ceremony or just a regular ceremony with no denomination present.

Not all churches do this. If anything, I imagine more of them being highly insulted at the idea that they're a pretty building for rent and use at the discretion of the couple.

CLI242009 · December 2013

banana468 said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

OnceUponSnow said:

In my area it's common that people who are not practicing get married in a Catholic church, because it's the traditional way to go. It's a very personal choice, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable at all and this is why we're having a civil ceremony. However, as a guest, I wouldn't mind attending a wedding in a church, even knowing the couple does not practice. I don't know all of their inner beliefs, and that belongs to them. I would simply abstain from communion as a guest, but wouldn't judge the couple's choice.

Do the priests not question the couples as to whether they are practicing or not? Do the couples just promise to start coming to church again as a married couple? This seems off to me.

You can get married in a church, even if you are practicing the faith or not. It all depends on the ceremony you are having.You also pay a higher fee to use the church compared to those who attend regularly.

For us our priest asked us if we were having a Catholic Mass ceremony or just a regular ceremony with no denomination present.

Not all churches do this. If anything, I imagine more of them being highly insulted at the idea that they're a pretty building for rent and use at the discretion of the couple.

I agree, not all of them will. Or that is the reason why you get charged more to use the church vs. someone who attends. Just like with anything involving any kind of planning, ask questions. Ask all the detailed questions you can think of to get clear answers.

banana468 · December 2013

CLI242009 said:

banana468 said:

CLI242009 said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

OnceUponSnow said:

In my area it's common that people who are not practicing get married in a Catholic church, because it's the traditional way to go. It's a very personal choice, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable at all and this is why we're having a civil ceremony. However, as a guest, I wouldn't mind attending a wedding in a church, even knowing the couple does not practice. I don't know all of their inner beliefs, and that belongs to them. I would simply abstain from communion as a guest, but wouldn't judge the couple's choice.

Do the priests not question the couples as to whether they are practicing or not? Do the couples just promise to start coming to church again as a married couple? This seems off to me.

You can get married in a church, even if you are practicing the faith or not. It all depends on the ceremony you are having.You also pay a higher fee to use the church compared to those who attend regularly.

For us our priest asked us if we were having a Catholic Mass ceremony or just a regular ceremony with no denomination present.

Not all churches do this. If anything, I imagine more of them being highly insulted at the idea that they're a pretty building for rent and use at the discretion of the couple.

I agree, not all of them will. Or that is the reason why you get charged more to use the church vs. someone who attends. Just like with anything involving any kind of planning, ask questions. Ask all the detailed questions you can think of to get clear answers.

The reason they charge more for non parishioners is because the parishioners are also regular contributors. DH and I were married in my parents' parish. My Father was a member there for 55 years and my mother was a member there as his wife for 30 years. When I approached the church about marrying there, they showed me their payment sheet and the non parishioner rate was double that of the parishioner rate. The church was still to be used as the Catholic house of God with no artistic license on the part of the couple.

CLI242009 · December 2013

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

OnceUponSnow said:

In my area it's common that people who are not practicing get married in a Catholic church, because it's the traditional way to go. It's a very personal choice, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable at all and this is why we're having a civil ceremony. However, as a guest, I wouldn't mind attending a wedding in a church, even knowing the couple does not practice. I don't know all of their inner beliefs, and that belongs to them. I would simply abstain from communion as a guest, but wouldn't judge the couple's choice.

Do the priests not question the couples as to whether they are practicing or not? Do the couples just promise to start coming to church again as a married couple? This seems off to me.

You can get married in a church, even if you are practicing the faith or not. It all depends on the ceremony you are having.You also pay a higher fee to use the church compared to those who attend regularly.

For us our priest asked us if we were having a Catholic Mass ceremony or just a regular ceremony with no denomination present.

Not all churches do this. If anything, I imagine more of them being highly insulted at the idea that they're a pretty building for rent and use at the discretion of the couple.

I agree, not all of them will. Or that is the reason why you get charged more to use the church vs. someone who attends. Just like with anything involving any kind of planning, ask questions. Ask all the detailed questions you can think of to get clear answers.
The reason they charge more for non parishioners is because the parishioners are also regular contributors. DH and I were married in my parents' parish. My Father was a member there for 55 years and my mother was a member there as his wife for 30 years. When I approached the church about marrying there, they showed me their payment sheet and the non parishioner rate was double that of the parishioner rate. The church was still to be used as the Catholic house of God with no artistic license on the part of the couple.

Again it all depends on the church. Some churches allow it, some do not. Some churches are more strict than others. You just need to ask questions so you can get the answers you need and make sure about everything.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

I think the important thing is for you and FI to sit down and talk about first of all and discuss the following issued:

how important is it for him to get married in a Catholic church?
Since you are not catholic, what would be involved for you to be able to get married in a Catholic church and once you find out, are you comfortable with the requirements (if there are any)
If you are planning on having children, then you need to discuss the issue of them being baptized and the rules of the church on having your baby possibly baptized catholic if you don't get married in a Catholic church

I'm not saying do or don't, you have to figure out what is right for the both of you and have to be comfortable with your decissions. I'm sure he is aware of your religious preference and obviously respects it, but the above issues could be things you will have to address in the future that could cause conflicts, better to make sure you are on the same page before you say I do.

Good Luck!!

Ceremony at Venue OR Church?

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