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No Shows and Gifts/Cards

shiny7shiny7 member
Third Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Our wedding day was definitely memorable - not necessarily for all the right reasons - we had record snow fall - and a level 2 snow emergency! Only about half of our guests showed up, and 1/3 of them were the bridal party, another 1/3 was immediate family (most came with the bridal party), and the others were a few extended family and friends. My question is how should I feel about those who didn't show due to weather, never even called, emailed, texted/FB apologizing for not coming? I understand why they didn't come, I don't blame them - but I'm a little offended they didn't even say anything to me. Another issue, is those who didn't show, not sending a gift, or even a card (I understand money gets tight around Christmas, but not even a card? Really? Do we not even rate a card congratulating us?) - I even had members of the bridal party not give a gift or a card! I'm not sure how I should feel about all of this and want to know if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this. I could never not at least give a card for someone's wedding, whether or not I am able to make it!
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Re: No Shows and Gifts/Cards

  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    shiny7 said:
    Our wedding day was definitely memorable - not necessarily for all the right reasons - we had record snow fall - and a level 2 snow emergency! 1) Only about half of our guests showed up, and 1/3 of them were the bridal party, another 1/3 was immediate family (most came with the bridal party), and the others were a few extended family and friends. My question is how should I feel about those who didn't show due to weather, never even called, emailed, texted/FB apologizing for not coming? I understand why they didn't come, I don't blame them - but I'm a little offended they didn't even say anything to me. 2) Another issue, is those who didn't show, not sending a gift, or even a card (I understand money gets tight around Christmas, but not even a card? Really? Do we not even rate a card congratulating us?) - I even had members of the bridal party not give a gift or a card! I'm not sure how I should feel about all of this and want to know if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this. I could never not at least give a card for someone's wedding, whether or not I am able to make it!
    Ok to your first issue (bold)
    It's ok to be hurt that they didn't even acknowledge that they wouldn't show up, but when was your wedding? Was it this past weekend? It's only Monday, some of them may call you. I get that your bummed, but given that it was a level 2 snow emergency, you can't really hold it against them.

    To your second, it's ok to be bummed about not getting presents, but you need to remember, presents aren't ever required. Not even by your bridal party - actually, I wouldn't expect much if any a wedding gift from a member of a bridal party - being in a wedding can get very expensive! Again, when was your wedding?

    To both of these issues, it's unfortunate, but the world doesn't stop just because YOU get married. People still have very busy lives, families to keep safe, and bills to pay. Just keep your chin up and mouth shut (to everyone but a few confidantes and your H, all of whom you can vent to).
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    When was your wedding?  People who planned on attending but no-showed because of the weather may send gifts/cards by mail or give them to you whenever they see you next.  It would have been nice for people to let you know they weren't coming, but given that you know there was major snow going on, you probably figured some people wouldn't show.  Whether or not you get gifts depends entirely on your guests.  You can't count on them one way or another - some people will give a gift even if they decline or were not invited.  Others will not give a gift at all. 
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  • shiny7shiny7 member
    Third Anniversary First Comment
    Our wedding was 12/6/13 - I understand they have up to a year to give gifts, I'm not really concerned about them, but I know our friends/family, if they don't do it right away they don't do it at all. I know weddings get expensive, I made sure to keep costs of the bridal party to $150 (dress or tux) - didn't require hair, make up, or nails, or specific shoes or jewelry (I provided jewelry) - and everyone knew costs for over a year so they would have time to save, and I even offered to help pay if someone needed it. We're hoping that at least cards start trickling in, I was really hoping to make a book of all the cards, it's just a little upsetting that my best friends couldn't even spring for a card - especially the ones that we were in their bridal party or went to their wedding, got them a card and a gift, no matter what we had to spend to be in their day. 

    We don't blame people for not coming - just find it strange and almost rude to not at least call if you can't show to something you agreed to go to, like a wedding, where people are paying for you to attend.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I understand where you're coming from.  It seems rude to me that nobody called you to say they could not make it.  Assuming the best, maybe they knew how busy you would be on that day and figured they would just be bothering you by calling.

    As for cards and gifts, it's only been two weeks.  They might trickle in.  And if they don't, there's really nothing you can do about it.
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  • MrsDeRuyter87MrsDeRuyter87 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I am getting married in Wisconsin in January and we are fully aware that our wedding could hit a few weather snags but that is the name of the game. We did the best we could to make our wedding local enough for everyone incase of bad weather but we know full and well what the consequences could be for a winter wedding. That being said, to us the only thing that matters is that we are married at the end of it all. You need to change your attitude about this. Appreciate the fact that you had a special day for you and your Husband and move on.
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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Being peeved that people didn't let you know ahead of time: fair.  There are plenty of reasons that PPs have mentioned as to why people may not have reached out ahead of time, but I get being annoyed about this.

    As to the gift thing: selfish.  No one owes you a present.  You need to stop thinking that people should get you a gift/card.  As for your bridal party, $150 is still a lot of money to a lot of people (did you ask for a budget) and they still probably spent money traveling to your wedding, etc.  I crossed out that last part because it's irrelevant.  No one owes you a present or a card.  End of story, no further explanation required.
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  • shiny7shiny7 member
    Third Anniversary First Comment
    Wow ladies, not once in my post did I say that people OWED us anything - my thoughts were on the etiquette behind the whole deal - I've been very calm about the whole thing, asking how I should feel, if I'm missing something, or if it's wrong that I'm a little upset/disappointed - no need for the attitude! I understand we got married in December - we never get snow this early - if we do, it's negligible at best - we had almost 6 inches in 4 hours. That's why we picked early December, so we wouldn't get the snow. We usually don't get it until January. 

    As for the bridesmaids budget, yes, I checked with them - I was the most relaxed bride about everything - one bride was 8 months pregnant and already mother of 2 year old twins, another was a young mother and struggling financially, and another was my sister that flew from Oregon to be in the wedding. Some people we expect to not do a gift, we understand - we know that it's not REQUIRED to give a gift. 

    I thought this was going to be a good place to get some perspective, see what's happened to other brides, to see if this was the norm - apparently I was wrong. 


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  • shiny7shiny7 member
    Third Anniversary First Comment
    Seriously, read your original post and hear how ungrateful and snotty you sound. It's not a very good look on a newlywed. No one owes you ANYTHING for getting married. News flash: people do it every day.
    All I'm trying to see is if people experience a lot of people not bringing gifts and cards - I KNOW people don't OWE us anything because we got married - 
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    shiny7 said:
    Wow ladies, not once in my post did I say that people OWED us anything - my thoughts were on the etiquette behind the whole deal - I've been very calm about the whole thing, asking how I should feel, if I'm missing something, or if it's wrong that I'm a little upset/disappointed - no need for the attitude! I understand we got married in December - we never get snow this early - if we do, it's negligible at best - we had almost 6 inches in 4 hours. That's why we picked early December, so we wouldn't get the snow. We usually don't get it until January. 

    As for the bridesmaids budget, yes, I checked with them - I was the most relaxed bride about everything - one bride was 8 months pregnant and already mother of 2 year old twins, another was a young mother and struggling financially, and another was my sister that flew from Oregon to be in the wedding. Some people we expect to not do a gift, we understand - we know that it's not REQUIRED to give a gift. 

    I thought this was going to be a good place to get some perspective, see what's happened to other brides, to see if this was the norm - apparently I was wrong. 


    And we have told you -- the etiquette is that no one owes you a gift, or a card, or anything. We validated your feelings that it's OK to be a little bummed, but you just keep hammering that you know if they don't give you it now, you'll never get it -- which makes you seem entitled and bratty. 

    The etiquette is that no one owes you anything, and that they don't have to wait a year to give you something. That's the etiquette of weddings.
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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I personally wouldn't have called you day of your wedding to let you know I wasn't coming.

    My guess is, stuffs in the mail. Deoending on weather, people might not have had a chance to get to the post office till Wednesday. Also, I imagine amount of cards could vary depending on social circles.
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  • shiny7shiny7 member
    Third Anniversary First Comment
    Actually I didn't hammer in that if they didn't give anything, they never would, I mentioned it once, and I did do research and found that it is etiquette to give gifts, as much as we say it's not. It's tradition - for instance: http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-and-sex/gracious-giving-seven-rules-wedding-gift-etiquette


    As for those who were kind in their responses, and answered the questions asked, thank you. I understand it's different for everyone and every social circle is again, different - I just wanted to get a feel for what you've experienced. In our social circle, you do give a gift and/or at least a card - you budget accordingly and if you can't, you say something. I wasn't planning on saying anything to anyone on our guest list - even the most ignorant knows that's bad etiquette/greedy.

    We're very happy and grateful to those who attended - and beyond thrilled that we're married.
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  • MNVegasMNVegas member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    OP, you are confusing tradition and etiquette. There is a difference.

    Almost half of your first post and subsequent post was a complaint about how people did not give card/gift. What do you expect us to think when you keep complaining about not receiving anything. You keep defending your posts and in doing so you come across as expecting gifts. As others have said, you need to let it go. 
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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    shiny7 said:
    Actually I didn't hammer in that if they didn't give anything, they never would, I mentioned it once, and I did do research and found that it is etiquette to give gifts, as much as we say it's not. It's tradition - for instance: http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-and-sex/gracious-giving-seven-rules-wedding-gift-etiquette


    As for those who were kind in their responses, and answered the questions asked, thank you. I understand it's different for everyone and every social circle is again, different - I just wanted to get a feel for what you've experienced. In our social circle, you do give a gift and/or at least a card - you budget accordingly and if you can't, you say something. I wasn't planning on saying anything to anyone on our guest list - even the most ignorant knows that's bad etiquette/greedy.

    We're very happy and grateful to those who attended - and beyond thrilled that we're married.
    See you arguing that your non-gift giving guests/invitees breached etiquette doesn't do anything to show that you didn't expect gifts.  I'm not sure what you were looking for when you posted or what you were going to get out of it.  If it turned out that lots of people have guests that don't give gifts, would you have accepted that there is nothing wrong with not giving a gift?  If everyone said that they had 100% gifts, would you have just gotten more upset?

    Stop dwelling on this.  Seriously, no good is going to come from it.  Accept that some people will not get you a gift.  Ever.  And move on.  Don't damage your relationship with them by stewing about it.
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  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    While probably few of us would show up to a wedding sans gift/card, you should never expect a gift when you're on the receiving end.  

    And I would be disappointed, too, about all the cancellations--not disappointed with the people (I wouldn't want anyone to venture out if they thought it wasn't safe), but more just disappointed with the overall situation.  I bet people will email, call, or send you cards over the next few weeks saying that they regret they couldn't make it and hope it went well, but don't dwell on that--just be grateful that 1/2 your guests were still able to make it and enjoy that you are now married to the love of your life!
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  • aurorajanetteaurorajanette member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    It sucks that it snowed on your wedding day, but if you live in an area prone to snow and wintery weather, it's something that you need to be prepared for.

    As far as cards, as PP have said, no one owes you anything. However, keep in mind that typically it may take people a few days or weeks to send something if they decide to do so. Not to mention that it's the busiest mail time of the year. I find that although it's not supposed to, things seem to take a few extra days to get to people at the holidays. For instance, I sent Christmas cards to my grandma and my mom on 12/10. They live one town over from me. The cards didn't get to them until 12/14.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There's no way I would have called you on your wedding day to tell you that I couldn't attend due to weather. And honestly, I would imagine you would figure that if you're under a snow emergency, people wouldn't be able to make it. That's the risk you take planning your wedding in December. I would maybe have followed up with you a few days later though. 

    And as PPs have said, no one is required to give you a gift. And for the people that were planning on attending and giving a gift, they'll probably drop it in the mail or give it to you next time they see you. It hasn't even been two weeks since your wedding. Sometimes mail takes longer during the holidays. 
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  • Emmy1493Emmy1493 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    phira said:
    So ...

    Look. It was a full scale snow emergency. Let's give these folks the benefit of the doubt and assume that they didn't call because they didn't want to bother you on your wedding day. Or maybe they weren't sure the wedding was still happening and thought it would be rude of them to call and say, "Hey, happy wedding day ... soooooo are you still getting married today?"

    Next, you need to drop the WHOLE damn gift/card business. From everyone. People don't have up to a year to get you a present--people don't have to give you a damn present at all. And your bridal party members do not have to get you a present, no matter how low you tried to keep costs for them. They're supposed to be honored guests; that honor isn't supposed to come with "and also they have to get us a nice present." Often, I'd rather NOT be in a wedding party because I can really only afford to attend a wedding and give a gift OR be in a wedding.

    I think it's okay to be bummed out, but you need to make a serious effort to try to change your inner dialogue. No more, "They didn't even have the decency to get us a card!" Instead, "The snow almost ruined it, but now we're married! Yay!"

    And I hate to say it, but you got married in December. I'm a New England bride getting married in mid-November next year, and we are fully aware of the fact that it might snow early next year. It's a risk we're taking, and it's a risk you took.
    To the quoted. EXACTLY. You are married, and no one owes you anything. I mean, at least no one was killed in a car accident in that weather, right? You made it, your H made it.. and the family/friends there to support you both, made it. So why worry? I mean, yes gifts are nice but they aren't the reason for getting married. The reason is because you love each other and want to be together forever. Not because you registered for a mixer and "Omgz, like wanted it so bad and now you are upset because you can't make your Christmas cookies with it." 

    Not trying to be sassy, or even bitchy. I and the PP's on here are trying to help you realize that getting married was your goal for the day. And that in fact DID happen. So lighten up and move on. Christmas is around the corner. Maybe you'll get presents then?
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  • jlazgrljlazgrl member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    shiny7 said:
    Seriously, read your original post and hear how ungrateful and snotty you sound. It's not a very good look on a newlywed. No one owes you ANYTHING for getting married. News flash: people do it every day.
    All I'm trying to see is if people experience a lot of people not bringing gifts and cards - I KNOW people don't OWE us anything because we got married - 
    For some perspective: We had a small wedding of 50 people and only received 6 cards (with cash) and 1 gift. In the month following the wedding we received 3 more cards (none of these cards or gift were from the bridal party or anyone who contributed to the wedding, BTW) . Was I a little disappointed? Yes. Was I mad at anyone? No.
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  • orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    We received two actual gifts at our wedding and several cards, but definitely not one from everyone . we had many people (15) say they were coming and not show up at all without calling beforehand and even in the days after. It's been a month now and I've even seen a few of tbe people who didn't show and they didn't mention anything. Our wedding ws on the most beautiful day in November so weather wasn't even an excuse. Some people just don't show or give gifts even though they say they're going to.It sucks, but that's life.

    Just be happy you're finally married and that some people ventured out in a snow emergency to see it.
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