Family difficulties

SweetSouthernFirecracker · December 2013

So i am in a conundrum. My better half is very uncomfortable around large crowds so we both agreed to only a handful of people plus were are doing this very low budget so i cant have a big reception. The problem is I come from a very large tradition southern family and while most of the "extended extended" family wont mind if we cant include them we also cant include the close extended family. I Don't want to shut them out from the happiest day of my life but it isn't feasible for us to host all of them. How can I do this without hurting to many feelings and more importantly HOW DO I TELL MY MOTHER??!!

MrsDeRuyter87 · December 2013

Be honest and firm about it. Stand your ground. Explain why, like you did here, and be prepared to deal with a not so happy mother...or maybe she will surprise you. You might have to defend your decision a few times before the point is made. At the end of it all I will assume your mother will just get over it and just be happy that her daughter found someone who loves her and wants to spend the rest of his/her life with her.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

If you are paying for the wedding, no one gets a say in anything except you and your FI. So from an etiquette perspective, just remember that. Don't accept anyone's money and host something small yourselves.

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably have parents, grandparents, siblings, and a few friends. And of course everyone's SO if they have one. Unless you have a ton of siblings and/or multiple divorced parents/grandparents, this would put you at about 30 people. This way, you can say to anyone who asks that you're having a very small/intimate wedding with immediate family. No one can argue with that. If they do, they're presumptuous and rude.

As for telling your mom, "Mom, FI and I are planning to have a very small, intimate wedding. Just immediate family and a couple of our friends. I want to make sure you know this so that if relatives ask you about it, you don't presume they're invited. We will be making the guest list and sending it to you. I realize this may not be what YOU want or expected, but this is what we are doing." Then weather the protests, complaints, and lectures, but hold your ground. You are paying for it and she doesn't get a say.

You should also realize that if you decide to have a super small wedding, pre-wedding parties will either be non-existent or very small since it's against etiquette to invite anyone to a pre-wedding party who's not invited to the actual wedding.

Jen4948 · December 2013

When it comes to your mother, be clear: "Mom, FI and I prefer to have a very small and intimate wedding, with just immediate family and friends, enitrely paid for by us. We are not inviting extended family members." If she does complain, protest, or offer to pay for a larger event that does include those people, stand firm: "Mom, FI and I told you what we are doing, and I'm sorry for your disappointment, but we are not changing our plans."

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

MrsDeRuyter87 said:

Be honest and firm about it. Stand your ground. Explain why, like you did here, and be prepared to deal with a not so happy mother...or maybe she will surprise you. You might have to defend your decision a few times before the point is made. At the end of it all I will assume your mother will just get over it and just be happy that her daughter found someone who loves her and wants to spend the rest of his/her life with her.

Ditto PP. Your an adult getting married, so just tell your mom! It doesn't matter how she reacts to it because you and your FI have already figured out a plan for your wedding. Your mom will not be contributing funds to this wedding, so even if she does want you to have a big wedding, it doesn't matter because you are paying for your wedding yourselves. Use PPs wording when speaking with your mom about the wedding.

misssunshine17 · December 2013

You simply have to own your decision. You need to be fully on board since people will try to make you crack and change your mind.

Inkdancer · December 2013

Stand firm. My mom and dad had 17 people at their wedding, and it was perfect for them. If you let your mom and family know up front that you won't be able to invite everyone you want, it should go a bit more smoothly.

Good luck!

hoffse · December 2013

I'm southern - I get it. I have a friend who invited 1100 people to her wedding (no, that's not a typo). I know quite a few others who have the 500-700+ guest range. Ours was considered pretty average for my circle at 300 invitations. It's a thing down here, so I understand.

That said, you can't break the bank on this. It will start your marriage in a terrible place, and you don't want to do that.

When you approach your mom with it, stand firm and make it clear that this is what is happening for financial reasons. If she wants to pitch in so the rest of your family can attend, that's something you can discuss with your FI. If he is not comfortable with that many people, then you need to decline any offer she might make to help and tell her that you and your FI feel that as adults who are ready to marry each other, you feel like it is your responsibility to foot the bill. And this is what your budget can accommodate.

That said, in my experience the very small weddings down here tend to be teeny tiny - like immediate family only. Nobody can complain about that because everyone is excluded equally and it minimizes family drama. If you're going to be cherry picking among your extended family, I would discourage this simply because it invites complaints. Of course, your family dynamics may dictate a different method of selection, but most people I know tend to have an all or nothing type approach to this.

Have you considered just eloping with just your immediate family present (parents, siblings, etc.)?

tammym1001 · December 2013

FI and I are just having immediate family and a few close friends at our wedding. It will be about 35 people. I was waiting for the backlash, but surprisingly both sets of our parents were relieved that they didn't have to go through the hoopla of a big bash. The only person who complained was my Grandma, but I shut that down pretty quickly by being firm with her.

SweetSouthernFirecracker · December 2013

Thanks for the positive in put I feel relieved knowing that him and I aren't just being selfish for wanting it to be an intimate wedding.

PS whats yall's opinion on possibly sending everyone else a DVD of the ceremony so that way they can still see it and have a keepsake. We are having a friend video it and my Fi is a computer wiz so he can make them.

KickAssMOH · December 2013

SadieTEK said:

Thanks for the positive in put I feel relieved knowing that him and I aren't just being selfish for wanting it to be an intimate wedding.

PS whats yall's opinion on possibly sending everyone else a DVD of the ceremony so that way they can still see it and have a keepsake. We are having a friend video it and my Fi is a computer wiz so he can make them.

I don't think that is such a good idea. Some people might feel like you are rubbing it in their faces that you celebrated without them. Maybe you could send it upon request only...

Jen4948 · December 2013

SadieTEK said:

Thanks for the positive in put I feel relieved knowing that him and I aren't just being selfish for wanting it to be an intimate wedding.

PS whats yall's opinion on possibly sending everyone else a DVD of the ceremony so that way they can still see it and have a keepsake. We are having a friend video it and my Fi is a computer wiz so he can make them.

It could feel to those who aren't invited to the wedding like a smack across the face: "Enjoy watching what you didn't make the cut to attend in person." If you don't want these people to attend your wedding, then don't send them videos of it.

SweetSouthernFirecracker · December 2013

The thing is I really do want these people to see me get married I am actually very close to both sides of my family it breaks my heart that neither budget nor the grooms nerves could handle having them all there physically.

SweetSouthernFirecracker · December 2013

But I like the idea of doing it upon request. I'll keep that in mind.

lovesclimbing · December 2013

About the DVDs, in addition to it possibly coming across as rubbing it in people's faces, I highly highly doubt very many people would actually watch it. It'd be one of those things that would get set somewhere and forgotten about.

My mom sent me my little sister's piano recital DVD and the DVD of a play she was in. This is my little sister whom I love and all I did was watch her on the DVD (not the whole thing) and I didn't watch the play it all. I just didn't have time, and I just really didn't want to sit through this whole DVD.

If a friend sent me a wedding DVD, I would not watch it. Attending a wedding and watching the ceremony is very different from watching a tape afterward.

So you could end up wasting a fair amount of money in blank media and postage. If Grandma or Great Aunt Mary wants it, sure send it, but I would not automatically send it to everyone.

GrrArgh · December 2013

You could send out picture announcements, I don't know if I'd do them with you in your wedding dress, but maybe if you did something where you're at least wearing a white sundress (clearly not a wedding dress) posing smartly with your hubby. Yall could send that out so folks would have a picture and an announcement without it being all nose rubby in their faces they didn't get invited to the actual ceremony.

Family difficulties

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