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this is all your fault...

cruffinocruffino member
First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
when i first joined this site i sought out your advice regarding someone i sent a STD to, who i no longer wanted to invite to the wedding. you all correctly informed me that since i sent her a STD, i had to send an invite. so i sent the invite. 

some backstory: she and i were good friends for a time, but our relationship became strained because she goes through periods of paranoia and competitiveness. she is very unstable and you never know what mood you're going to get. so after a few rounds of this craziness i decided to let the relationship go. only sticking point is that she and i have a work relationship. we work for different organizations, but sometimes have to see each other at meetings and very occasionally have to work on a project together.

so i was hoping that she would get the invitation and just decline to attend since we haven't talked in several months. well today i get a voicemail saying that she received the invitation and would like to get together to talk about the "elephant in the room". that is the last thing i want to do. i wish her well but don't want a relationship and don't know that i can actually say that to her. i'm not a liar or a bullshitter so i'm not sure what conversation can be had. 

i'm out of town on business this week and out of town again for vacation next week and into the new year. i texted her letting her know that i received her voicemail and that i would be out of town for a while. i haven;t yet heard back from her. 

so you all told me to invite her. now tell me how to have this conversation! (or how to dodge it). i'm kidding, i don't actually think this is anyone's issue but my own! i just would love your advice on how to move forward. i'm not great with difficult conversations and could use some feedback. thanks
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Re: this is all your fault...

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    deannagirlydeannagirly member
    First Anniversary First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    I don't see what bad could come out of talking to her. If she wants to fix it, at least hear her out. And if after hearing her out you still don't think the friendship is worth having, tell her. Tell her the reason you drifted apart. I just don't see any reason why to avoid it.
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    jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    The elephant in the room?  She sounds like she's being really dramatic.  I would call her and let her know that you're not sure when you'll be able to get together since the holidays can be such a hectic time with traveling, families, etc., so see if she's up for a phone chat in the meantime.  See what she has to say, and go from there.  

    I don't think you need to tell her you don't want to be friends anymore or that you've drifted apart, if that's still the outcome.  I would just let the friendship fade naturally (by talking on the phone instead of meeting, for example, and keeping it short).  You still have to work with her, and I think that having a "I'm just not that into you" conversation with her could cause more potential damage than it's worth.
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    EverAferEverAfer member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Elephant in the room? She definitely has something to say to you. Since you may work together, my advice is to hear her out. She may think that you drifted away, on purpose and is hurt or mad. I've been there, thinking we mutually chose to stop hanging out only to find out from a mutual friend that she's holding a grudge and talking about me behind my back.

    If you talk, at least you'll know if that's the case and can do damage control. If she wants to know why you haven't hung out with her, you can tell her the truth, if it seems like she can handle it and still work with you professionally. If not, you've been busy and slowly let it fade.
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    LoredLored member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    I second @jessicabessica - I'd see if you two can just chat over the phone. It's much less awkward. If not, just push her off. Honestly, it's up to her. She's been invited, it's up to her to RSVP. If she does go to the wedding, I doubt you'll even be giving her a second thought. Even if she is present, you will be so busy that this will not be an issue. If, after the wedding is over and you still care, you can revisit. Otherwise, who really gives a shit.
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    cruffinocruffino member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Thanks! I like the idea of using the vague "drifting apart" language. I don't think I can be 100% honest without ending up in unpleasantness that could spill over into work. And I really do wish her well; I just no longer want to engage in the drama.

    I think I may just try to talk on the phone rather than on person. I responded so the ball is on her court and I'll just see where it goes from here.
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    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'd try to make it a phone conversation. I'd be super surprised if I sent an invitation to someone and they called to talk about it so DRAMATICALLY.

    I think that the way to handle the conversation is to hear what she has to say, and then tell her that you need some time to think about what she's said. I'd imagine that if you don't know what this elephant in the room is, that she's about to completely blind-side you with something.

    So often, when we have ALL THE FEELINGS about something and don't tell someone, we end up FEELINGSBOMBing them. She might be about to drop a FEELINGSBOMB on you. She's had TONS of time to think and dwell and obsess over something, and you have had zero clue. So I think it's completely fair (to both of you!) if you can say, "I'm glad you talked to me about this. I need some time to think over what you've said. Is it okay if I call you back later this week?"

    Worst case scenario is that she is "breaking up with you" and she declines the wedding invitation. And honestly ... it sounds like that's also best case scenario, wedding-wise.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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    cruffinocruffino member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    phira said:

    I'd try to make it a phone conversation. I'd be super surprised if I sent an invitation to someone and they called to talk about it so DRAMATICALLY.


    I think that the way to handle the conversation is to hear what she has to say, and then tell her that you need some time to think about what she's said. I'd imagine that if you don't know what this elephant in the room is, that she's about to completely blind-side you with something.

    So often, when we have ALL THE FEELINGS about something and don't tell someone, we end up FEELINGSBOMBing them. She might be about to drop a FEELINGSBOMB on you. She's had TONS of time to think and dwell and obsess over something, and you have had zero clue. So I think it's completely fair (to both of you!) if you can say, "I'm glad you talked to me about this. I need some time to think over what you've said. Is it okay if I call you back later this week?"

    Worst case scenario is that she is "breaking up with you" and she declines the wedding invitation. And honestly ... it sounds like that's also best case scenario, wedding-wise.
    Yeah, I think I'm in store for a feelings bomb (awesome term btw). And goodness knows I don't know or care what it is. I wish she was normal and just sent back the RSVP card without all the fanfare.
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    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Absolutely. If she doesn't want to come to the wedding, she can just DECLINE.

    FEELINGSBOMB credit goes to Captain Awkward (advice blog).
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    phira said:
    I'd try to make it a phone conversation. I'd be super surprised if I sent an invitation to someone and they called to talk about it so DRAMATICALLY.

    I think that the way to handle the conversation is to hear what she has to say, and then tell her that you need some time to think about what she's said. I'd imagine that if you don't know what this elephant in the room is, that she's about to completely blind-side you with something.

    So often, when we have ALL THE FEELINGS about something and don't tell someone, we end up FEELINGSBOMBing them. She might be about to drop a FEELINGSBOMB on you. She's had TONS of time to think and dwell and obsess over something, and you have had zero clue. So I think it's completely fair (to both of you!) if you can say, "I'm glad you talked to me about this. I need some time to think over what you've said. Is it okay if I call you back later this week?"

    Worst case scenario is that she is "breaking up with you" and she declines the wedding invitation. And honestly ... it sounds like that's also best case scenario, wedding-wise.
    This. 
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    cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I agree whole heartedly with @phira
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