Small wedding, large reception?

Re: Small wedding, large reception?

• doeydo member

  

  December 2013

  It is OK if you are having a truly small and private ceremony (ie. 20 people or less).

  
  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  December 2013

  Yes it's rude. Find a church that can accommodate all of your guests or have a small wedding with the number of guests that the church can hold.
  

  
  

  
  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  December 2013

  doeydo said:

  It is OK if you are having a truly small and private ceremony (ie. 20 people or less).

  Can someone explain to me why this is okay? I mean at what number exactly does it become rude? IMHO it comes off as rude no matter how small/private your ceremony is.
  

  
  

  
  

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• WildMagelet member

  

  December 2013

  bethsmiles said:

  doeydo said:

  It is OK if you are having a truly small and private ceremony (ie. 20 people or less).

  Can someone explain to me why this is okay? I mean at what number exactly does it become rude? IMHO it comes off as rude no matter how small/private your ceremony is.
  

  I've never heard it as an exact number, but moreso as immediate-family only ceremonies are "okay."   

  Formerly known as flutterbride2b

  
  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  December 2013

  missax said:

  flutterbride2b said:

  bethsmiles said:

  doeydo said:

  It is OK if you are having a truly small and private ceremony (ie. 20 people or less).

  Can someone explain to me why this is okay? I mean at what number exactly does it become rude? IMHO it comes off as rude no matter how small/private your ceremony is.
  

  I've never heard it as an exact number, but moreso as immediate-family only ceremonies are "okay."   

  Yes to the bolded. If it's truly a small wedding with just immediate family then it's ok according to etiquette. People will understand you just wanting to have parents & siblings at the ceremony but it gets rude when you pick and choose between friends like you're ranking them in order of importance. 

  This is a very difficult line and requires lots of care to do without hurting anyone's feelings. If you can, please try to invite everyone to both reception and ceremony.
  

  

  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  December 2013

  This is a tricky thing to try and pull off for several reasons:
  
  1. Many people view the ceremony as the most important part of the wedding day, and rightly so, and will be hurt or offended if they are not invited to witness your actual marriage.
  
  2.  The reception is thrown in honor of your guests as a thank you for them attending your wedding ceremony and supporting your marriage.  It comes off as gift grabby to invite people to the reception that did not witness your ceremony.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• vt&dt member

  

  December 2013

  Another way you could consider this is by a percentage of your guest list - I wouldn't side-eye or be offended if 20 attended the ceremony to keep it small and intimate and I was one of 100+ at the reception.  I would be offended if there were 70 people at the ceremony and I was one of 30 added for just the reception.

  
  

  If it's a small percentage of your guests, I don't think you're likely to offend guests.  Also, if the line between who is at the ceremony vs. reception only is clear (i.e. immediate family and best friends only).

  
  

  I would consider if the separate smaller ceremony location is worth the difficulty of choosing who is invited to which and how to word things.  Though you can do it and not be rude, it is difficult to communicate.

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  December 2013

  Even though etiquette says a small immediate family only ceremony and then larger reception is okay, I find it really rude. The whole point of the entire day is because you and your FI are getting married. Many people actually want to see that happen, not just go to the party.

  
  

  When couples do this I feel like that they are telling their guests that they are good enough to come and party with them and possibly even give them a gift but they aren't good enough to watch the portion of the events that is the sole reason of the day.

  
  

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• GrrArgh member

  

  December 2013

  Is there a reason for the smaller ceremony? With our particular brand of faith, we have major size constraints on how many can fit in the temple (its not a very big room) so we are having a ring ceremony directly afterwards (an exchange of rings is not part of the normal temple wedding) which is pretty customary for our church and the circles that will be attending. We do the ring ceremony at the reception site everyone knows ahead of time it is just the ring exchange part of things our marriage in the temple is highlighted through the entire 10 minute ceremony then we smooch and our Bishop introduces us as Mr. and Mrs. GrrArgh  then the reception starts. 

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  December 2013

  While technically a very small wedding (parents, grandparents, siblings) and a much larger reception is etiquette correct, just know a lot of people will be very disappointed and find it impolite to only be invited to the reception. I tend to think this way myself. You either want me there or you don't. I'm not offended to not be invited somewhere, that's just part of life, and some people prefer privacy at their wedding. It would bother me to just be invited to the party because I'd wonder if all you wanted from me was a gift. The ceremony is the entire reason for the event, it's the most important part. I don't really want to go celebrate something that you didn't want me to witness. I am firmly in the camp of 'all or nothing' - invite who you want and the number of people you want, but a wedding should have everyone included from beginning to end, whether it's small or large. I would absolutely decline a reception only invite (except if the couple eloped or had a very small DW, I would attend an AHR) and I would not send you a gift. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a very small intimate wedding, but then the whole event should be small and intimate. If the venue you want is very small, then you have a very small wedding. If all the people you want there won't fit in the church, then you need a new church. And I really, really hate that TK won't let me make paragraphs on my laptop anymore.

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  December 2013 edited December 2013

  freaking double post

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• jneen101 member

  

  December 2013

  Marcik20 said:

  Our wedding ceremony will be held in a very small church.
  

  How many people can the church hold?  I see "very small church" posted here a lot but I've never seen a church that only holds 20 people, for example.  Can someone link me to one?
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  December 2013

  GrrArgh said:

  Is there a reason for the smaller ceremony? With our particular brand of faith, we have major size constraints on how many can fit in the temple (its not a very big room) so we are having a ring ceremony directly afterwards (an exchange of rings is not part of the normal temple wedding) which is pretty customary for our church and the circles that will be attending. We do the ring ceremony at the reception site everyone knows ahead of time it is just the ring exchange part of things our marriage in the temple is highlighted through the entire 10 minute ceremony then we smooch and our Bishop introduces us as Mr. and Mrs. GrrArgh  then the reception starts. 

  @GrrArgh -- you say Temple and Bishop -- are you Mormon? 

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• GrrArgh member

  

  December 2013

  HisGirlFriday13 Yes

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• WildMagelet member

  

  December 2013

  Another way you could consider this is by a percentage of your guest list - I wouldn't side-eye or be offended if 20 attended the ceremony to keep it small and intimate and I was one of 100+ at the reception.  I would be offended if there were 70 people at the ceremony and I was one of 30 added for just the reception.

  
  

  If it's a small percentage of your guests, I don't think you're likely to offend guests.  Also, if the line between who is at the ceremony vs. reception only is clear (i.e. immediate family and best friends only).

  
  

  I would consider if the separate smaller ceremony location is worth the difficulty of choosing who is invited to which and how to word things.  Though you can do it and not be rude, it is difficult to communicate.

  I know the ladies on the DW board typically recommend a 10:1 ratio for larger reception to intimate wedding guests.  So if you have 10 guests at your private ceremony then you invite at least 100 to your party.

  
  

  You (generic) also need to be careful with the "best friends" in this situation, because you're essentially ranking your friends and are likely to have hurt feelings from friends that didn't make the cut.

  Formerly known as flutterbride2b

  
  

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• CLI242009 member

  

  December 2013

  Maggie0829 said:

  Even though etiquette says a small immediate family only ceremony and then larger reception is okay, I find it really rude. The whole point of the entire day is because you and your FI are getting married. Many people actually want to see that happen, not just go to the party.

  
  

  
  

  For me this is the exact opposite!! I have a lot of co workers, friends and family (my side) who would rather go to the party then watch the actual ceremony. They find it all boring and couldn't care less. I wish my family and friends were more like the people who find it rude to be only invited to one or the other, that's not my case. They'd rather we get it done and over with already just so they could get to the partying, socializing and drinks.
  

  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  December 2013

  CLI242009 said:

  Maggie0829 said:

  Even though etiquette says a small immediate family only ceremony and then larger reception is okay, I find it really rude. The whole point of the entire day is because you and your FI are getting married. Many people actually want to see that happen, not just go to the party.

  
  

  
  

  For me this is the exact opposite!! I have a lot of co workers, friends and family (my side) who would rather go to the party then watch the actual ceremony. They find it all boring and couldn't care less. I wish my family and friends were more like the people who find it rude to be only invited to one or the other, that's not my case. They'd rather we get it done and over with already just so they could get to the partying, socializing and drinks.
  

  I am sorry but those people sound like asshats.  If they care about you then they should care about you committing your life to another and not think your ceremony is boring.  I mean they don't need to be weeping through it but they should at least show some level of interest in it.  To be honest some wedding ceremonies I have been to haven't been the most entertaining (don't really think they need to be entertaining since that isn't the point of the ceremony) but I still cared about the point of the ceremony and was very happy to witness my friends getting married.

  
  

  If all they care about is the free party then they don't seem to be that great of friends or family members.

  
  

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  December 2013

  Personally, if you don't care about my ceremony (even just a little bit, out of respect for me) and can't find it in you to try, then I don't want you at my reception either. We can party anytime, anywhere. Whenever my mom and I can only attend part of a wedding, we always choose the ceremony or we just don't go at all. Ceremony always. It's only right.

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  December 2013

  Personally, if you don't care about my ceremony (even just a little bit, out of respect for me) and can't find it in you to try, then I don't want you at my reception either. We can party anytime, anywhere. Whenever my mom and I can only attend part of a wedding, we always choose the ceremony or we just don't go at all. Ceremony always. It's only right.

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• jdluvr06 member

  

  December 2013

  I've been invited to a reception and not the ceremony before and I liked it. I'm that person who in general thinks weddings are boring. The ceremony is really only for the couple and their immediate families.

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• Amyzen83 member

  

  December 2013

  I would personally want my guests for the whole thing not just family. If you're going to eat my free food and cake and enjoy my booze, then they can handle 30 mins of watching the reason for the big shindig

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• delujm0 member

  

  December 2013

  Amyzen83 said:

  I would personally want my guests for the whole thing not just family. If you're going to eat my free food and cake and enjoy my booze, then they can handle 30 mins of watching the reason for the big shindig

  
  Exactly.  The reception is the thank you from the B&G to the guests for attending the ceremony...why would they need to thank people who weren't even there?  If you don't care enough to sit through the whole reason that the day is happening, why are you going to the reception?  Wouldn't it be a net gain to you if you just didn't buy a gift and went out to dinner that night by yourself instead?

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• SP29 member

  

  December 2013

  Etiquette-wise, intimate ceremonies are OK. I don't know where "20" guests magically comes from, but I view a private ceremony as immediate family only. Depending on your family, that could be very small or a larger group of people. 

  
  

  However, I am also of the group that I wanted to be invited to the ceremony- as that is the point of a wedding. I would make allowances for religious reasons (such as a Mormon ceremony). 

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• BrandNewJ member

  

  December 2013

  Honestly, I think it's rude in general to not invite people to the ceremony no matter the size. We were invited to a wedding reception only and ended up not going because their "intimate family ceremony" was 200 people and the reception invited 350. It was tiered and B-listed (don't get me started). People get hurt and see it as gift grabby. It's not the best choice, IMHO.

  

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• Rebl90 member

  

  December 2013

  I would just be seriously confused if I got an invitation for a reception without an invitation to the ceremony.  I don't think I would decline just because I was offended, but I would probably pass because I wouldn't understand why I wasn't invited to attend the ceremony (barring any religious restrictions). 

  
  

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• CLI242009 member

  

  December 2013

  Maggie0829 said:

  CLI242009 said:

  Maggie0829 said:

  Even though etiquette says a small immediate family only ceremony and then larger reception is okay, I find it really rude. The whole point of the entire day is because you and your FI are getting married. Many people actually want to see that happen, not just go to the party.

  
  

  
  

  For me this is the exact opposite!! I have a lot of co workers, friends and family (my side) who would rather go to the party then watch the actual ceremony. They find it all boring and couldn't care less. I wish my family and friends were more like the people who find it rude to be only invited to one or the other, that's not my case. They'd rather we get it done and over with already just so they could get to the partying, socializing and drinks.
  

  I am sorry but those people sound like asshats.  If they care about you then they should care about you committing your life to another and not think your ceremony is boring.  I mean they don't need to be weeping through it but they should at least show some level of interest in it.  To be honest some wedding ceremonies I have been to haven't been the most entertaining (don't really think they need to be entertaining since that isn't the point of the ceremony) but I still cared about the point of the ceremony and was very happy to witness my friends getting married.

  
  

  If all they care about is the free party then they don't seem to be that great of friends or family members.

  Believe me Maggie0829 I am seriously hurt by this too. My family (immediate and extended) have all been talking about this moment because they all thought it wasn't suppose to happen. So growing up and hearing this you kind of expect that everyone will jump at the chance (I know it's not expected but like I said, this is all I heard growing up) but no. Seriously everyone who has said yes has been on my FI's side. All the nos on my side. I wasn't expecting everyone but it does kind of hurt. I'll get over it though I'm marrying the love of my life.
  
  To what you said, no our ceremony won't be entertaining. We're not a funny goofy couple, we're the sentimental lovey dovey type of couple and unfortunately most of my friends and some extended family just are not into it. So they think the ceremony is going to be boring.
  
  Hell they think I'm being stuck up because I want an elegant formal type reception rather than a buffet backyard style reception. No joke. That is what they are used to for weddings. Same thing happened to my older brother when he got married. Just because we wanted to do it differently.
  
  There's a part of me that is okay that they are not coming but another part, the naive little girl still inside, is sad they can't make it. *shrugs*
  
  But back to the topic, I've never been to a wedding where guests were invited to one or the other. If it were me, yeah I would be confused and a little hurt. I am in the group that LOVES watching the ceremonies. Like PPs have said, if I'm not important enough to come to the ceremony, why would I go to the reception?
  

  

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• Abbyjensen member

  

  December 2013 edited December 2013

  I think the most important thing is to be very clear on your invites that it is for the reception only, and spread via word of mouth your reasoning for doing so- religious reasons, etc.
  
  I know a couple who recently got married. Her father is in a nursing home with brain cancer, and so they had a tiny ceremony (7 people including B+G) in her father's room. To me, it's obvious something like this is acceptable. Choosing to have a private ceremony because you don't feel like renting that many chairs is not, IMO an acceptable reason.

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