Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

Dear Abby - Because you won't believe TK

LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
DEAR ABBY: Does being invited to an engagement party "guarantee" you will also be invited to the wedding? -- LOOKING AHEAD IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: Yes, it does. And for that not to happen is a huge breach of etiquette on the part of whoever is hosting the wedding, whether it's the bride's parents or the couple themselves.


Just in case you didn't know and can't read between the lines - this also goes for anyone invited to your shower/bachelorette/stag/bachelor/etc party.  

Report Reply to Post

Re: Dear Abby - Because you won't believe TK

  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Amen!  I like "Abby's" response! ;)  Until I started visiting TK I had no idea that people actually invited guests to a pre-party and not the wedding.  Or did a lot of other cringe-worthy things...this can be a scary place..

    Btw, what's a stag party?

    Report Reply
  • majesty318majesty318 member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    @eileenrob, stag party is what they call a bachelor party in the UK
    Report Reply
  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    In my FMIL's circle of friends, they all love to host engagement parties for each other's children. I was invited to one of these parties... and then not invited to the wedding. I am still mad. They have offered me a party but I am going to decline it, because I am not inviting all their children to the wedding and so don't want them at my e-party.

    @eileenrob A stag party is a bachelor party.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
    Report Reply
  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thanks @majesty318 & @inkdancer ...wow okay should've figured that one out on my own!
    Report Reply
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There is also the stag & doe, which is basically a fund raiser for the wedding.  The WP will sell tickets to anyone, not just invited guests, to help raise funds for the wedding.  I didn't learn about them until TK, I was horrified that they exist!
    Report Reply
  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    OliveOilsMom said:
    There is also the stag & doe, which is basically a fund raiser for the wedding.  The WP will sell tickets to anyone, not just invited guests, to help raise funds for the wedding.  I didn't learn about them until TK, I was horrified that they exist!
    Sadly, I know someone who had one of these. My FI also attended one. Good thing that was before me... I woulda freaked.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    Report Reply
  • Bruins63Bruins63 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    OliveOilsMom said:
    There is also the stag & doe, which is basically a fund raiser for the wedding.  The WP will sell tickets to anyone, not just invited guests, to help raise funds for the wedding.  I didn't learn about them until TK, I was horrified that they exist!
    omg the dreaded Jack & Jill party. They pawn it off as "a fun, combined bachelor/ bachelorette party" yet it's really a fundraiser in which they charge at the door and use the money toward the wedding. They are unfortunately pretty popular in my area (central MA) and I've been invited to 4....only invited to 2 of the corresponding weddings. I attended exactly zero.
    Report Reply
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    LakeR2014 said:
    DEAR ABBY: Does being invited to an engagement party "guarantee" you will also be invited to the wedding? -- LOOKING AHEAD IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

    DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: Yes, it does. And for that not to happen is a huge breach of etiquette on the part of whoever is hosting the wedding, whether it's the bride's parents or the couple themselves.


    Just in case you didn't know and can't read between the lines - this also goes for anyone invited to your shower/bachelorette/stag/bachelor/etc party.  

    I don't disagree with the advice as a whole concept, but I have issues with this wording. 

    1) The grooms parents, grandparents or anyone else can host a wedding for the couple. So just to single out bride's parents or the couple is off-putting.

    2) It could also be an etiquette breach on the person who hosted the engagement party. My FI and I declined an engagement party that his mom wanted to throw, because we couldn't trust her to not invite some of her friends that are not invited to the wedding. 

    3) I think there are certain circumstances- like if the engagement party is a surprise- where it's not fair to blame the bride and groom. What if someone throws you an engagement party before you even have decided what you're doing for your wedding? Maybe the bride and groom wants to have a very small wedding or elope. Therefore, no it's not guaranteed, but for most circumstances should be true.
    image
    image

    image


    Report Reply
  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    xmobergx said:
    OliveOilsMom said:
    There is also the stag & doe, which is basically a fund raiser for the wedding.  The WP will sell tickets to anyone, not just invited guests, to help raise funds for the wedding.  I didn't learn about them until TK, I was horrified that they exist!
    omg the dreaded Jack & Jill party. They pawn it off as "a fun, combined bachelor/ bachelorette party" yet it's really a fundraiser in which they charge at the door and use the money toward the wedding. They are unfortunately pretty popular in my area (central MA) and I've been invited to 4....only invited to 2 of the corresponding weddings. I attended exactly zero.
    I live in Eastern MA and the only people I know who have had one live in Central or Western MA. Our state is not that big! What a funny "cultural" difference! First time I saw one on facebook, I was like wtf is this?!
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    laurynm84 said:
    LakeR2014 said:
    DEAR ABBY: Does being invited to an engagement party "guarantee" you will also be invited to the wedding? -- LOOKING AHEAD IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

    DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: Yes, it does. And for that not to happen is a huge breach of etiquette on the part of whoever is hosting the wedding, whether it's the bride's parents or the couple themselves.


    Just in case you didn't know and can't read between the lines - this also goes for anyone invited to your shower/bachelorette/stag/bachelor/etc party.  

    I don't disagree with the advice as a whole concept, but I have issues with this wording. 

    1) The grooms parents, grandparents or anyone else can host a wedding for the couple. So just to single out bride's parents or the couple is off-putting.

    2) It could also be an etiquette breach on the person who hosted the engagement party. My FI and I declined an engagement party that his mom wanted to throw, because we couldn't trust her to not invite some of her friends that are not invited to the wedding. 

    3) I think there are certain circumstances- like if the engagement party is a surprise- where it's not fair to blame the bride and groom. What if someone throws you an engagement party before you even have decided what you're doing for your wedding? Maybe the bride and groom wants to have a very small wedding or elope. Therefore, no it's not guaranteed, but for most circumstances should be true.
    To your first point, I think she listed those two because it's traditional for the bride's family to host the wedding. Nowadays it is more flexible, but it would have been impractical for her to list the myriad options in her article.

    As for 2, you did the etiquette-appropriate thing in this situation. If someone wants to throw an engagement party, they should always consult the bride and groom about the wedding guest list to make sure nobody is included in the e-party but not the wedding. If someone is invited to an e-party but not a wedding, how will they know that the party host was the one at fault and not the bride and groom? That guest will likely blame the B&G anyway.

    See above for 3. No matter who is at fault, someone is being rude, and that should be avoided as much as possible. If the bride and groom intend to elope or have a very small wedding, a large engagement party is not appropriate and should not be held. If the bride and groom have not yet decided what they are doing for their wedding, they should decline offered engagement parties to avoid guest list issues.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
    Report Reply
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    ashleyep said:
    xmobergx said:
    OliveOilsMom said:
    There is also the stag & doe, which is basically a fund raiser for the wedding.  The WP will sell tickets to anyone, not just invited guests, to help raise funds for the wedding.  I didn't learn about them until TK, I was horrified that they exist!
    omg the dreaded Jack & Jill party. They pawn it off as "a fun, combined bachelor/ bachelorette party" yet it's really a fundraiser in which they charge at the door and use the money toward the wedding. They are unfortunately pretty popular in my area (central MA) and I've been invited to 4....only invited to 2 of the corresponding weddings. I attended exactly zero.
    I live in Eastern MA and the only people I know who have had one live in Central or Western MA. Our state is not that big! What a funny "cultural" difference! First time I saw one on facebook, I was like wtf is this?!

    They do it in the Lowell/NH border area too.  I had never heard of it until I came to TK, then a friend who's H is friends with a lot of younger folks in that area started having them. 

    It makes me shudder.  Luckily my friend did not get pushed into having one.

    (Oh and I'm from the North Shore)

     

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards