How do I choose a MOH?

daniandrews · December 2013

LizM61409 · December 2013

Don't choose anyone based on "jobs". Pick the one you're closest to.

manateehugger · December 2013

Good news! Your MOH is not required to plan any parties and you don't have to dictate your friends' friendships! So you don't have to worry about that anymore.

What about just not having a MOH? I have two big sisters and three very close friends. I went with the no MOH option. No one seems to care a bit.

jessicabessica · December 2013

daniandrews said:

I have two best friends, one from when I was 4, one from when I was 14. The oldest friends and I didn't talk from about 14-22, but we're close now (at 25). My high school best friend and I are also still close, but she moved to Austin.

They don't particularly get along.

Since one lives in Austin and the other is newly in AA…I'm not sure which to choose. How can one plan parties from Austin? How can the other plan parties centered around food and booze?

Can I choose both and tell them to work together?

I know they'll both be pissed and think it's a cop out, but choosing one doesn't seem like it's an option either.

Don't pick based on what kind of parties each one would throw. Pick the one you are closest to, and if you cannot pick, just don't have a MOH.

Emmy1493 · December 2013

Since no bride is entitled to any pre-wedding parties, things should go rather well for you. If you find yourself in a bind, don't have one. Unless you have a sister your close with and such. But make absolute sure because once you choose, you can't go back.

misssunshine17 · December 2013

You can just have them both be bridesmaids.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

Oh boy. Your MOH doesn't have to throw parties for you. Your BMs may choose to throw a shower and/or bachelorette, but by no means is it their duty. You should choose your MOH based on whom you feel closest to and wish to honor. You can have both of them be MOH, or neither of them. Whether or not they get along should be irrelevant, because their only duty is to stand up next to you in appropriate attire (which was chosen within their budget).

But please don't expect or ask for them or the rest of your wedding party to do jobs for your wedding or plan you any parties. Lurk on these boards and the Wedding Party board for a little bit, and you'll see a lot of posts from angry BMs about brides who expect stuff they just can't afford/ don't want to do.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

You can also have both be MOH. I wouldn't choose between my sisters, so I have a matron and a maid of honor. You can do whatever you want, but no one has to throw you a party. You should never choose based on what pre parties someone could throw you; that is quite rude.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

My MOH is in AA. She's already talking about the big drunken stripper boozefest of a bachelorette party "we're" having lol (I love her so much! I'm not a big drinker and idk about the strippers but she's excited so I am too lol)

Part of treatment is learning to be in situations where alcohol is around. We're sober buddies at the bar a lot so that out men can go out with us or friends and it's not a problem.

You shouldn't assume your friend can't plan you awesome parties because she's on the wagon

JellyBean52513 · December 2013

clairekundinger said:

My MOH is in AA. She's already talking about the big drunken stripper boozefest of a bachelorette party "we're" having lol (I love her so much! I'm not a big drinker and idk about the strippers but she's excited so I am too lol) Part of treatment is learning to be in situations where alcohol is around. We're sober buddies at the bar a lot so that out men can go out with us or friends and it's not a problem. You shouldn't assume your friend can't plan you awesome parties because she's on the wagon

She also shouldn't assume that someone will plan her any parties, even someone who she chooses to be her MOH.

OP, choose whichever friend you couldn't imagine your wedding day without. If that includes both girls, either have them both be Maids of Honor or have them both be Bridesmaids and don't have a MOH. Also, don't worry if they don't get along; they should be able to act like adults for you on your wedding day. Plus, from the sound of it, they don't even live close to each other so there may not even be that much interaction between them.

Jen4948 · December 2013

It's actually not the "job" of an MOH or bridesmaid to plan parties for the bride. They might choose to do so, but the bride has no right to expect it.

Choose either, both, or neither as MOHs. Make your choice based on whether or not they are people you are really close to and would want to stand beside you on your wedding day-not whether or not they will plan parties for you or get along with each other. It's okay to expect them to act like adults and not bring their personal issues with each other into your wedding.

Inkdancer · December 2013

Choosing a Maid of Honor isn't about parties or showers or anything. It is only about picking the friend who you couldn't imagine your day without.

My MOH was there the day I met my fiance, and teased me about my first date with him. She's been with me through the whole relationship, and she more than anyone knows how much it means to me to finally get to marry him. That's why I picked her.

If you were stranded on an island with nobody but your future husband and one close friend, who would you want that friend to be? That person should be your MOH, and nobody else.

aurorajanette · December 2013

My sister and my best friend from high school are both my Maids of Honor. They are also the only people in my wedding party. I chose both of them to be MOH because I love them both dearly, and couldn't imagine them not being my MOH, not based on who would throw a better party. My sister lives in another state, my friend works crazy long shifts at work. If they throw me a party I will be so grateful, but if they don't it seriously doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that they are going to stand next to me on my wedding day.

climbingsingle · December 2013

Pick the one you're closest to. Your MOH is not required to throw you any parties.

doeydo · December 2013

daniandrews said:

I have two best friends, one from when I was 4, one from when I was 14. The oldest friends and I didn't talk from about 14-22, but we're close now (at 25). My high school best friend and I are also still close, but she moved to Austin.

They don't particularly get along.

Since one lives in Austin and the other is newly in AA…I'm not sure which to choose. How can one plan parties from Austin? How can the other plan parties centered around food and booze?

Can I choose both and tell them to work together?

I know they'll both be pissed and think it's a cop out, but choosing one doesn't seem like it's an option either.

Whoa. You have this thing all backwards. MOHs are your nearest and dearest, and purely an honourary role. They do not need to plan any parties for you nor do "work" of any kind.
Ask them both to be your MOHs if you can't pick between the two.

kgd7357 · December 2013

Standing up for OP a little. I don't think she expects parties from her MOH, but probably knows her friends and knows they will want to do something for her b/c that is how their friendship is. She's trying not to put either in a awkward position by having them plan long distance or plan around booze or work together awkwardly. If you really can't pick one over the other, just pick them both or have no MOH. They will truely understand eitherway.

Although, as others have suggested, if you really do feel slightly closer to one over the other, go for it. I have two really close girls, but one was just a little closer and she is my MOH. And it turns out she is likely going to be in Africa during the bach party/shower that she is still helping to plan since she is amazing, and my other amazing BMs are still making it happen. Don't let the party determine the MOH. If they want to do it, they will do it.

If you do pick only one, you can still do something extra special for both girls. A little extra BM gift or even just a heartfelt letter. My local BM/other very close girl is going to get an extra thank you gift/letter before everyone else gets in town b/c she is being amazing (storing my dress so FI doesn't see, helping pick flowers, taking over shower planning, being a friend to talk to - all voluntary) and I want her to know how much it means to me.

One final note, Austin is an awesome city, so a bach party their could be fun...just saying.

hihihiii · December 2013

This is why I feel like it's so much easier to not have a MOH, and just call everyone "bridesmaids."

If THEY decide they want to plan things, they can discuss and assign roles among themselves. In every wedding I've been in, its been the person who enjoys planning events the most that has taken on the "organizer" role, regardless of what title she had.

Belthil · December 2013

As PP have stated its not a job of your BP to plan/throw you parties. My shower was thrown by a very close family friend who wasn't part of my BP. The girls in my BP all live in the same city as I do so it wasn't the distance, they just didn't have the desire to throw one. Which is perfectly okay with me.

If the girl that lives in a different state wants to throw you a shower she'll find a way. The internet and phones make it much easier to plan things from far away.

If you really can't choose between the two (which is perfectly fine) then leave them both as BM. You don't need to have a maid of honor.

princessleia22 · December 2013

I have 2 maid of honors (well a maid of honor and a matron of honor), because I love them both dearly. All 3 of us live in different states. I don't expect any parties and am just happy to have them stand beside me and support me on my big day.

Blergbot · December 2013

I'm in the no MOH camp. I only have two BMs as it is, and I've been friends with both of them for almost the same amount of time, so it didn't feel right to choose one over the other. The wedding is OOT for all of us (my FI's hometown), and one of my BMs lives in another state. I'm also not big on bachlorette parties, so we are having a spa day the day before the wedding (this was suggested by one of my BMs, not by me). So far my in-town BM has helped me try on my dress. They've both offered their help with invites and favors, but mostly it's been a pretty laid back process for them, and they don't know each other, so they haven't interacted at all.

daniandrews · December 2013

Yeah I didn't expect to get kind of a backlash over this.

I don't EXPECT them to throw me parties, they've both actively been talking to me about my shower/bachelorette/etc. I also don't have family so I think they're both really into the idea of planning things for me.

They've each also told me they'd be pissed if they weren't MOH. So it's particularly difficult, especially because I'm equally close with both of them.

Thanks everyone for your input, even those who think I'm rude. Haha.

Inkdancer · December 2013

@daniandrews It wasn't very polite of them to tell you they'd be mad if they weren't MOH, but you can make them both MOH and get around it. But if they've offered to host parties, that's awesome! Enjoy!

ETA: If you make both of them a Maid-of-Honor, be up front about it. Tell them both that the title was important to them both and you really couldn't choose between your two closest friends. Hopefully that will stave off drama.

AddieCake · December 2013

You should pick the ugliest one b/c if a pretty one stands closest to you, she might outshine you on your special day.

misshart00 · December 2013

Fwiw, I didn't have alcohol at my shower or bachelorette party. It's not mandatory.

Lily9911 · December 2013

Pick the one you are closest to. I had picked out a very close friend of mine as my MOH and we only knew one another for 2 years, I chose her over a 15 year relationship. My mother made me also have my sister as my MOH (looong story), so I put them both down, but one had co-MOH listed next to their name on the program (like anyone noticed).

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

If both of my potential MOH choices told me they'd be mad if they weren't MOH, I wouldn't have either one of them in that position. I'd have them both as bridesmaids and choose someone else for MOH. Or just not have them in the WP at all. That was rude on their parts.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

If both of my potential MOH choices told me they'd be mad if they weren't MOH, I wouldn't have either one of them in that position. I'd have them both as bridesmaids and choose someone else for MOH. Or just not have them in the WP at all. That was rude on their parts.

How do I choose a MOH?

Re: How do I choose a MOH?

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