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NWR-I don't know what to do, please help!

Some background-my brother has been with his GF, for several years now, and due to some shenanigans she pulled this past year, my parents will have nothing to do with her (her own family will have nothing to do with her either).  My brother calls her strong willed, but in actuality, she is very emotionally abusive.

My brother had moved up in October to stay with FI and me, in order to find a job, as job opportunities in Alberta are an order of magnitude greater than hometown...He did find a job, and we told him he could stay until the end of the year, but that she was not allowed to stay with us-3 people is a tight squeeze, 4 is impossible!  His GF stayed in hometown until middle of December, when she decided to come up, at which point he moved to a motel, which is a 2 minute walk from work, rather than a 45 minute drive! 

While my brother was staying with us, I could see his old personality come back, he was happier, more relaxed, etc. I talked with him a week after she arrived, and he was back to sounding like an abused spouse, it really breaks my heart.

He has already gone home for Christmas, with her, but my parents don't know that he was even talking with her for the last nearly 3 months, never mind that she has moved up with him.  My question is, do I tell my parents that they are together (when they ask, which they will).  My FI is fir,ly of the opinion that I should tell them, but I'm really on the fence about it, as my brother and I have just begun repairing our relationship (another long story, in which his GF plays a LARGE part).  I'm afraid that it would have a very negative impact on our relationship.  I don't know what to do, please help me!

Re: NWR-I don't know what to do, please help!

  • I feel your pain. I went through a very similar situation with my brother and his ex-fiance. They were together for 10 years (on and off) and she treated him like garbage. 
    I personally wouldn't say anything to your parents yet. I'd encourage my brother to tell him himself. But if you're trying to repair your relationship with your brother, it's best to let the news come from him. 
  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    natswild said:
    Some background-my brother has been with his GF, for several years now, and due to some shenanigans she pulled this past year, my parents will have nothing to do with her (her own family will have nothing to do with her either).  My brother calls her strong willed, but in actuality, she is very emotionally abusive.

    My brother had moved up in October to stay with FI and me, in order to find a job, as job opportunities in Alberta are an order of magnitude greater than hometown...He did find a job, and we told him he could stay until the end of the year, but that she was not allowed to stay with us-3 people is a tight squeeze, 4 is impossible!  His GF stayed in hometown until middle of December, when she decided to come up, at which point he moved to a motel, which is a 2 minute walk from work, rather than a 45 minute drive! 

    While my brother was staying with us, I could see his old personality come back, he was happier, more relaxed, etc. I talked with him a week after she arrived, and he was back to sounding like an abused spouse, it really breaks my heart.

    He has already gone home for Christmas, with her, but my parents don't know that he was even talking with her for the last nearly 3 months, never mind that she has moved up with him.  My question is, do I tell my parents that they are together (when they ask, which they will).  My FI is fir,ly of the opinion that I should tell them, but I'm really on the fence about it, as my brother and I have just begun repairing our relationship (another long story, in which his GF plays a LARGE part).  I'm afraid that it would have a very negative impact on our relationship.  I don't know what to do, please help me!
    This is a rough situation that I feel there may not be a right answer for as it is dependent on trust and relationships. Honestly, if your parents ask you straight out I don't feel you should lie to them.

    While it may strain your relationship with your brother, lying would strain your relationship with your parents. They will find out eventually and if they find out you lied to them in addition to your brother lying then that's a lot of hurt I see coming to your parents. Both kids lying to you? That would be so hurtful. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
  • thank you everone!
  • I agree with @JCBride2014, tell them if asked but stay out of it otherwise. Or bring it to your brother. Tell him your parents are going to ask, let him know you wont lie. That way he is not surprised that they know.
  • @Senecaf, that's a good idea, that's what I'll do, thanks!
  • Or give them a political style answer. Something like: " It's not my place to tell you one way or the other. Go ask brother."
  • Would it be possible for you to talk with your brother?  Leave the GF out of the equation.  Just say, "Brother, I love you and am concerned for you.  While you were living with us you seemed happy and relaxed.  But when you moved out, you don't seem to be as happy anymore and seem a little tense/stressed out.  Is there something worrying you?"  Leave it open ended and then let him talk to you.  I know that you said your relationship with him is fragile, but speaking with your brother while being concerned for him and focusing only on him could help him see how bad this girl is for him.  But he needs to realize that on his own, I wouldn't say one bad word about her.
  • Thanks everyone! he picked me up at the bus station, so I talked with him on our way to my parents' place, and he's okay with me answering if my parents ask. @oliveoilsmom, Unfortunately each of us has tried over the years to let him know that she's bad for him, but he just digs his heels in. It's a pattern, he's no different than an abused wife. My FI and I were really hoping that being around us for a few months, who have great respect for each other and a really great relationship, that it would have an effect on him, that he could see that a relationship does not have to be about belittling and making him feel bad about himself. I do agree it has to be up to him.
  • Did your brother ask you to keep it a secret?

    I think if your parents ask, I would tell them the facts but leave out my opinion.  You don't have to help your brother hide anything and lie to your parents.
    How I wish this was so easy and true when it comes to my mother, SIL and myself.

    Anyways OP, I'm glad you spoke with your brother. I hope everything works out in the end =)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Thanks @CLI242009, I think it helps that my brother and I had a really strong relationship before the crap that went down last year.
  • his first long term GF was physically abusive, I lived with them for a month after my own BF went to prison for trying to kill me, so I saw it first hand. His next relationship, who became his wife, moved in to our mobile home, we shared the trailer for two years before I moved to another province (he and I were co-owners). She was emotionally and verbally abusive, which I saw on a daily basis, and she also used sex as a weapon (do what I want, or you don't get any). When he did whatever she wanted, she still withheld, using excuses like she'll hear us, wha will the neighbours think...when I'd stay at my parents for a week or two at a time, it was, but your parents will know what we're doing. Well, DUH, you're married, you're supposed to!! I could go on for hours. After he started divorce proceedings, (and she'd moved back to Houston, she began sending threatening emails, so threatening, that my parents got the police involved. His current GF, whom he's been with for 6 years is no better. Even on the rare occasions that I visited, she always spent her time tearing him down, in front of him too, about how he wasn't doing enough, not making enough money, not any good, etc. If she's doing that in public, I would expect it to be worse in private. I can only visit once, maybe twice a year, so I noticed a big difference in my brother's personality. That really came home to me when he moved to Alberta to find work, and he lived with my F and me for 2.5 months. By the time he moved out (and his GF was on the way up), his old personality had come back. Within a week of her coming (they had moved to a different location, only a couple minutes from his work), he sounded beaten down again. It's really heartbreaking, he wants to have a family so bad that he will put up with anything. So yes, Scribe95, I do feel comfortable comparing him to an abused spouse, because he IS an abused spouse. I know it's not PC to say that men can be abused, but it happens more than you think. And apologies for my paragraphically challenged ipad
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