dealing with family drama

roblee08 · December 2013

My fiancé and I are getting married in September and have some family drama to deal with from his parents. His parents are divorced and his father HATES his mother. I even changed my venue location because it was originally going to be at his house, because he would not let her come on to his property. I want to invite her to our wedding because she is still his mother and she wants to be part of such an important event. My FI has not spoken to her in a long time because of his father and says he does not care if she is there or not, but I feel that he would regret that later in life. The problem is she has gotten remarried and his father also has a significant other now. I know it is proper etiquette to invite spouses or S/O's, but I feel like inviting her new husband would be a touchy situation for his father, even though he has a new gf. Should I invite the S/O's or just his parents?

misshart00 · December 2013

Invite the significant others.

Also, I would let your fiancé have the say whether or not to invite his mother.

chibiyui · December 2013

roblee08 said:
My fiancé and I are getting married in September and have some family drama to deal with from his parents. His parents are divorced and his father HATES his mother. I even changed my venue location because it was originally going to be at his house, because he would not let her come on to his property.

I want to invite her to our wedding because she is still his mother and she wants to be part of such an important event. My FI has not spoken to her in a long time because of his father and says he does not care if she is there or not, but I feel that he would regret that later in life.

The problem is she has gotten remarried and his father also has a significant other now. I know it is proper etiquette to invite spouses or S/O's, but I feel like inviting her new husband would be a touchy situation for his father, even though he has a new gf. Should I invite the S/O's or just his parents?

Let your FI make that descision. It is not your place to make his parents act like adults.
If your FI decides to invite her, then invite her husband as well.

manateehugger · December 2013

roblee08 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in September and have some family drama to deal with from his parents. His parents are divorced and his father HATES his mother. I even changed my venue location because it was originally going to be at his house, because he would not let her come on to his property. I want to invite her to our wedding because she is still his mother and she wants to be part of such an important event. My FI has not spoken to her in a long time because of his father and says he does not care if she is there or not, but I feel that he would regret that later in life. The problem is she has gotten remarried and his father also has a significant other now. I know it is proper etiquette to invite spouses or S/O's, but I feel like inviting her new husband would be a touchy situation for his father, even though he has a new gf. Should I invite the S/O's or just his parents?

First off, whether or not his parents are invited is 100% HIS decision, not yours. If he wants to invite them, great. If he'd rather not, also great. Don't push him one way or another, just support his decision.

Second, if parents are invited, you absolutely must invite their S/O's. If ex-husband/father cannot deal with ex-wife/mother's new husband, he needs to grow up or stay home. It would be incredibly rude to exclude S/O's.

JellyBean52513 · December 2013

roblee08 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in September and have some family drama to deal with from his parents. His parents are divorced and his father HATES his mother. I even changed my venue location because it was originally going to be at his house, because he would not let her come on to his property. I want to invite her to our wedding because she is still his mother and she wants to be part of such an important event. My FI has not spoken to her in a long time because of his father and says he does not care if she is there or not, but I feel that he would regret that later in life. The problem is she has gotten remarried and his father also has a significant other now. I know it is proper etiquette to invite spouses or S/O's, but I feel like inviting her new husband would be a touchy situation for his father, even though he has a new gf. Should I invite the S/O's or just his parents?

Sorry that you're going through this, family drama is the worst. First of all, save yourself the headache of trying to figure out who you should be inviting because the answer for this situation is no one. These are your FI's parents, and it's his decision as to whether or not to invite them. I can definitely appreciate you not wanting your FI to regret not inviting his mom, but that's his decision to make and he'll have to live with the consequences of whatever he decides to do.

If FI decides to invite his mother, her husband must be invited, as well as FI's dad's S/O. Trust that everyone can act like adults for one day. If your FI truly believes that it will be explosive and dangerous for them to be in the same place, then hire security or have him make the tough call as to who shouldn't be invited. Good luck, OP, but please let your FI make this decision

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

You need to invite SO of everybody. Unless the SO has threatened someone at the wedding or is a threat to someone. The father not liking the fact that his ex is seeing someone else, is not a good enough reason.

But the main issue here is if the mother should even be invited at all. It's not really your call; it's your fiancé's decision.

Just because someone gave birth to someone, doesn't give them the right to attend that person's wedding.

roblee08 · December 2013

He says he feels like inviting her would just cause drama with his father, not really because of his own personal reasons. I don't think that's a good enough reason for him to not invite his own mother. If it was a distant relative, sure...but it's his own mother. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that because I could not imagine getting married without my mother there celebrating with me.

roblee08 · December 2013

He says he feels like inviting her would just cause drama with his father, not really because of his own personal reasons. I don't think that's a good enough reason for him to not invite his own mother. If it was a distant relative, sure...but it's his own mother. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that because I could not imagine getting married without my mother there celebrating with me.

tmclawchick · December 2013

I have to agree what others have said; whether or not you invite his mother should be up to him, even if you think he may regret it. He needs to make this decision and live with it. My FI hasn't spoken with his mother in over 3 years and she will not be invited to the wedding. Do I think he may regret it later? Possibly, but it's not my decision to make.

Assuming you talk to your FI and he decides that he does in fact want to invite her, you need to invite the SOs. I was in a wedding last year where the bride's parents had been divorced for years but still HATED each other with a passion. They were seated at separate tables but she was so scared they were going to start something. So, she and her FI talked to them separately and basically said "Listen, we get that you hate each other, but this isn't about the two of you; it's about sharing this special day with us. Please come and be ready to suck it up, and if you can't handle that you'll be asked to leave." They were fine the whole evening.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

roblee08 said:

He says he feels like inviting her would just cause drama with his father, not really because of his own personal reasons. I don't think that's a good enough reason for him to not invite his own mother. If it was a distant relative, sure...but it's his own mother. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that because I could not imagine getting married without my mother there celebrating with me.

All of this I TOTALLY understand.. My Fiance's family's dynamic is COMPLETELY foreign to me..but his relationship with his parents (or lack there of) is HIS decision and you can't do anything about it. If he doesn't want to invite her, he doesn't have to.

JellyBean52513 · December 2013

roblee08 said: He says he feels like inviting her would just cause drama with his father, not really because of his own personal reasons. I don't think that's a good enough reason for him to not invite his own mother. If it was a distant relative, sure...but it's his own mother. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that because I could not imagine getting married without my mother there celebrating with me.
OP, your relationship with your mother and the way you feel about her is not going to the same as your FI's relationship with his mother. Family dynamics are very subjective and the title of "mother" is given primarily for the fact of shared DNA. A mother isn't always a good mom, and your FI may not have a good mom. Whatever his reason is for not inviting her IS good enough for him, and you need to respect that. My ex-FI used to give me a hard time about not being closer with my family when he didn't understand that shared DNA did not entitle anyone to a relationship with me. My current SO is very respectful of the fact that my mother is not a part of my life, mostly because she chose not to be when I was 2, and I'm very appreciative of that. Be supportive of your FI and don't judge his feelings towards his mother just because you don't understand them.

Tried to edit to fix the quote box

manateehugger · December 2013

roblee08 said:

He says he feels like inviting her would just cause drama with his father, not really because of his own personal reasons. I don't think that's a good enough reason for him to not invite his own mother. If it was a distant relative, sure...but it's his own mother. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that because I could not imagine getting married without my mother there celebrating with me.

If he wants her there, he should invite her. His father needs to grow up a bit, it sounds like; unless his mother has stolen from him or assaulted him, he needs to move on and realize he shouldn't be dictating his son's relationships because of his own. Why not suggest that your FI have a heart-to-heart with dad about the situation IF he wants to invite her (again, this is his decision; if he decides to not have mom there, that's fine)?

Also, seperate yourself from this situation. I understand you can't imagine your mother not being there, but clearly your FI can. Do not push him.

photokitty · December 2013

If he doesn't regret not having nothing to do with her and not speaking to her "in a long time," then I don think he is going to regret not inviting her to the wedding. It is his call, but it sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with her. Let him decide and try not to compare his relationship with his parents, especially his mother- to your healthy and loving relationship with your parents…it's likely to make him feel worse about he situation. GL!

Weesh · December 2013

photokitty said:

If he doesn't regret not having nothing to do with her and not speaking to her "in a long time," then I don think he is going to regret not inviting her to the wedding. It is his call, but it sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with her. Let him decide and try not to compare his relationship with his parents, especially his mother- to your healthy and loving relationship with your parents…it's likely to make him feel worse about he situation. GL!

@photokitty

I think that's great advice! OP, it's your fiance's call as to whether to invite her and if he chooses not to, I think you should support his decision even if you don't completely understand it.

I definitely understand how you feel---I have an amazing relationship with both of my parents, while my fiance has a very different relationship with his mother (his father is not and has never been in the picture) I couldn't imagine certain things being done without them, especially my wedding. However, many family relationships are VERY different and not like the ones we ourselves might be used to. There are times where I don't understand the relationship that my fiance and his mother have, but she lives a few states away and isn't really a huge part of our lives. As the PPs have said, you don't have to understand it, but let him make the decision to invite her if he truly wants to.

MrsDeRuyter87 · December 2013

laurynm84 said:

You need to invite SO of everybody. Unless the SO has threatened someone at the wedding or is a threat to someone. The father not liking the fact that his ex is seeing someone else, is not a good enough reason. But the main issue here is if the mother should even be invited at all. It's not really your call; it's your fiancé's decision. Just because someone gave birth to someone, doesn't give them the right to attend that person's wedding.

THIS! My Fi has never met my birth mother and hopefully never will. A lot of family members questioned whether or not I should give my "foster" mom the same attention a regular birth mom would get at her daughters wedding. To me it was never a question. Just because she didn't give birth to me does not mean she wasn't my MOM.

With that being said. Let your Fi decide whether or not to invite his mother. If he is old enough to get married he is old enough to make this kind of decision. Best of luck to you.

Jen4948 · December 2013

Whether or not you think he will have regrets later, it is not up to you to decide for your FI whether or not his mother should be invited. That's strictly his decision to make. For this one, you need to back off and respect whatever decision he makes regarding inviting his mother.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

THe week before our wedding, my husband called his parents -- who had not been invited but informed us they would be attending -- and told them that they couldn't be barred from the church and should they decide to attend we wouldn't stop them. If, however, they tried to attend the reception, they would be arrested for trespassing.

That was unusual to me, because I have a good relationship with my parents, but that was what he wanted. I backed that play because he needed me to support him.

Your FI needs that from you. It's not for you to decide whether or not to invite his mother. It's his call. Let him make it.

emcme22 · December 2013

roblee08 said:

He says he feels like inviting her would just cause drama with his father, not really because of his own personal reasons. I don't think that's a good enough reason for him to not invite his own mother. If it was a distant relative, sure...but it's his own mother. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that because I could not imagine getting married without my mother there celebrating with me.

I usually lurk and do not post since I am not engaged yet so don't really "belong" but felt I should comment on this. My BF does not have a relationship with his mother and has already said he would not want her there should we decide to get married. I could not imagine my parents not being there but our families, our childhoods, our relationships with our families etc are very different. If you can't understand it that's fine but you should let it be his choice if she comes or not. He may regret it someday, he may not but either way it is his choice to make.

And honestly for many people a distant relative, a friend, a grandparent etc could be closer to them than their own parents. Just because someone gave birth to someone or supplied some of their DNA does not make them an important person to them. So if you could understand not inviting a distant relative then just think of it that way.

Also if for some reason he does decide(on his own without pushing, pressure etc) to invite his mother than her SO should absolutely be invited as well.

Anaelsea · December 2013

if they decide to fight its not your problem, and yes, you have to invite everyone. I have nine parents im inviting, and any drama that goes down will A: not be within my hearing and B: isnt welcome. Theyre all adults, if they cant be nice for three hours its their problem

Jen4948 · December 2013

Anaelsea said:

if they decide to fight its not your problem, and yes, you have to invite everyone. I have nine parents im inviting, and any drama that goes down will A: not be within my hearing and B: isnt welcome. Theyre all adults, if they cant be nice for three hours its their problem

No, you don't. While it's true that it's their problem if they can't shelve their issues with each other for a few hours, these are the OP's FI's parents, not hers. If he doesn't want to invite his mother, then everyone, including the OP, needs to respect that decision. No one else gets a say.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

You absolutely do not have to invite everyone. That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard on these boards in a very, very long time.

phira · December 2013

If your fiance doesn't want to invite his mother, then that's his call. You don't get to decide if his reasons are good enough or not.

I want to emphasize that weddings are not reasons to reconcile. I think people get bogged down into this idea that weddings have to be your ideal life. You know, where you have all your family and friends there, and everyone gets along, and the people you choose for your wedding party will forever be the most important people in your life, etc. etc.

Your fiance does not have to reconcile with his mother and invite her to the wedding (or invite her to the wedding TO reconcile with her). The fact is that right now, he does not have a relationship with her ... so why invite her?

I think his dad is being immature with the whole NO NO NO SHE CAN'T COME WAH WAH, but what matters is what your fiance wants.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

Anaelsea said:

if they decide to fight its not your problem, and yes, you have to invite everyone. I have nine parents im inviting, and any drama that goes down will A: not be within my hearing and B: isnt welcome. Theyre all adults, if they cant be nice for three hours its their problem
No, you don't. While it's true that it's their problem if they can't shelve their issues with each other for a few hours, these are the OP's FI's parents, not hers. If he doesn't want to invite his mother, then everyone, including the OP, needs to respect that decision. No one else gets a say.

I took the bolded to mean inviting SOs as well, not that it was mandatory to invite all parents regardless of their relationship with the B&G. I agree that in this instance it needs to be the OP's FI's decision to make.

bmydesigner · December 2013

Was it your and FI's decision to change the venue location? Because I guess if he wanted to change the venue then maybe a little part of him does want her there. However, if not, this is something he needs to decide entirely on his own. It's probably not a very easy decision for him to make, so definitely try to be there and support him regardless of the outcome.

zitiqueen · December 2013

roblee08 said:

He says he feels like inviting her would just cause drama with his father, not really because of his own personal reasons. I don't think that's a good enough reason for him to not invite his own mother. If it was a distant relative, sure...but it's his own mother. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that because I could not imagine getting married without my mother there celebrating with me.

NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE.

Jesus. It's not all about you -- it's his wedding too, princess. Do you honestly think that just because you and your mom get along, everybody in the world gets along with their mom?

How old are you?

phira · December 2013

missax said:

What I would do is address an invitation to his mother & her husband and give it to your FI. Tell him the decision is his to mail it or not and that you'll be supportive either way. You say you don't want him to regret her not coming but what if you push him into inviting her and he regrets that she came? It'll be hard to see your FI struggle with the decision but it's his to make, not yours.

I would not do this. I am estranged from my father, and if my fiance did this, I would be really upset. This action is not a supportive one. It's an additional second guessing of the OP's fiance (like, "I know you said you don't want to invite her, but I STILL think you might secretly want to"), and it's actually taking a step towards inviting her by actually making up the invitation.

You don't WANT to help your fiance struggle with this decision, so instead of pushing for more thinking and soul-searching and discussing it further and addressing an invitation for him ... just drop the subject, respect his decision, and remember that weddings are not supposed to be events that force you to reconcile with estranged parents.

MrsDeRuyter87 · December 2013

zitiqueen said:

roblee08 said:

He says he feels like inviting her would just cause drama with his father, not really because of his own personal reasons. I don't think that's a good enough reason for him to not invite his own mother. If it was a distant relative, sure...but it's his own mother. I guess I'm just having a hard time understanding that because I could not imagine getting married without my mother there celebrating with me.

NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE.

Jesus. It's not all about you -- it's his wedding too, princess. Do you honestly think that just because you and your mom get along, everybody in the world gets along with their mom?

How old are you?

Just a tad harsh wording wise. Although I agree with you.

Lily9911 · December 2013

Even though everyone else said this: Invite SO's but ask FI if he's cool with either the mother or father going (seems like it's just mama issues)

General side note....why do family members always cause or stir up drama when you are trying to get your damn wedding planned. I see it happen often and it's a shame.

Personal side note...If I could go back, I probably wouldn't have had my mother at my wedding, she's kinda on my shit list now.

dealing with family drama

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