XP: How many BMs is too many?

JCbride2015 · December 2013

I currently have asked 6 BMs. I'm thinking about adding two more, but just worry that 8 is way too many. We are expecting about 165 guests at the wedding, and it will be very formal.

One is a very old friend from high school, and another is a newer friend from law school. I'm a little concerned that inviting either one of them might offend other friends within either the high school or law school circles who weren't asked (all other BMs are family or undergrad friends). But I can't have like 10 or 11 BMs.

So-- is 8 BMs too many for my medium-sized wedding? How many BMs did you ladies have?

doeydo · December 2013

I wouldn't worry about number of BMs to the number of guests ratio. Just ask whoever you truly want to have next to you on your wedding day. If that ends up being a total of 8 women, great. However, when did you ask the rest of your BMs to be BMs? The reason I ask is because if you ask these other friends now it might seem like they were an afterthought.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

Hmm, I hadn't thought about it coming off that way, but you could be right. I've been engaged for a year and the wedding is not until May 2015, so it certainly isn't last minute. But I've been slowly asking girls for a few months, here and there as I see them in person. Both of these friends are OOS so I haven't actually seen them lately, but I will around the holidays.

jenna8984 · December 2013

I was a BM in a wedding that had 9 and honestly I thought it was ridiculous. Trying to plan the shower & trying to plan the bachelorette were disasters (for us not the bride). She had half of us at the head table and half at other tables which was awkward. I just think it's too much but that's my opinion.

mlg78 · December 2013

JCBride2014 said:

Hmm, I hadn't thought about it coming off that way, but you could be right. I've been engaged for a year and the wedding is not until May 2015, so it certainly isn't last minute. But I've been slowly asking girls for a few months, here and there as I see them in person. Both of these friends are OOS so I haven't actually seen them lately, but I will around the holidays.

Why are you asking BM so freaking early?!? Relationships change. You have no idea if you'll be friends with this newer friend next fall, the time you should be asking your girls to be in your wedding. Wait it out and evaluate at the end of next summer and consider who your nearest and dearest are.

mlg78 · December 2013

Crap. Double post.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

@jenna8984 Yeah, I'm worried people will side-eye a large WP. It sounds horrible that the bride seated only some of the BMs at the head table... that would seem to me like she had tiers of BMs or something-- yuck!

@mig78 I know things can change and I'm happy I waited until a year in, because there is indeed one girl I was very close with but we have since drifted apart. I would have asked her when we first got engaged and am glad I did not! I started asking girls just before the one-year mark from our engagement. Maybe I could have waited a little longer, but I was getting the question from people so frequently it seemed like I should figure my ish out. I've been active on TK for the past few months and have since heard not to ask until closer to the wedding. But what's done is done.

kgd7357 · December 2013

I don't think 8 is too many. Although I did go to a wedding that had 8, which was in Alaska. It was my FI's friend (the girl was his friend). He was asked to be in the wedding party as a groomsman, even though he only met the groom about 5 times. There was literally only one other girl that made it that wasn't a BM, who I didn't know before but sat with. I felt like she asked so many people to be in the wedding party so that they would come to her wedding on a Thursday in Alaska. That was a little odd, but honestly I wasn't even too off put by it.

If you have 165 people, 8 BMs is a lot but not super crazy. I probably wouldn't do that many, but if you love these girls, great! Also, your friends from Law School and High School wont care if they are not BMs. I honestly prefer when I get invited to the fun pre wedding stuff, but don't need to be a BM.

kmmssg · December 2013

As I said in your XP on another board - can your budget afford 2 more bouquets, 2 more gifts and 4 more places at the RD?

mlg78 · December 2013

JCBride2014 said:

@jenna8984 Yeah, I'm worried people will side-eye a large WP. It sounds horrible that the bride seated only some of the BMs at the head table... that would seem to me like she had tiers of BMs or something-- yuck!

@mig78 I know things can change and I'm happy I waited until a year in, because there is indeed one girl I was very close with but we have since drifted apart. I would have asked her when we first got engaged and am glad I did not! I started asking girls just before the one-year mark from our engagement. Maybe I could have waited a little longer, but I was getting the question from people so frequently it seemed like I should figure my ish out. I've been active on TK for the past few months and have since heard not to ask until closer to the wedding. But what's done is done.

Sure, what's done is done...but stop asking until you're closer to the wedding! The one year anniversary from getting engaged is irrelevant.

mlg78 · December 2013

JCBride2014 said:

@jenna8984 Yeah, I'm worried people will side-eye a large WP. It sounds horrible that the bride seated only some of the BMs at the head table... that would seem to me like she had tiers of BMs or something-- yuck!

@mig78 I know things can change and I'm happy I waited until a year in, because there is indeed one girl I was very close with but we have since drifted apart. I would have asked her when we first got engaged and am glad I did not! I started asking girls just before the one-year mark from our engagement. Maybe I could have waited a little longer, but I was getting the question from people so frequently it seemed like I should figure my ish out. I've been active on TK for the past few months and have since heard not to ask until closer to the wedding. But what's done is done.

Sure, what's done is done...but stop asking until you're closer to the wedding! The one year anniversary from getting engaged is irrelevant.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

mlg78 said:

show previous quotes

JCBride2014 said:

@jenna8984 Yeah, I'm worried people will side-eye a large WP. It sounds horrible that the bride seated only some of the BMs at the head table... that would seem to me like she had tiers of BMs or something-- yuck!

@mig78 I know things can change and I'm happy I waited until a year in, because there is indeed one girl I was very close with but we have since drifted apart. I would have asked her when we first got engaged and am glad I did not! I started asking girls just before the one-year mark from our engagement. Maybe I could have waited a little longer, but I was getting the question from people so frequently it seemed like I should figure my ish out. I've been active on TK for the past few months and have since heard not to ask until closer to the wedding. But what's done is done.

Sure, what's done is done...but stop asking until you're closer to the wedding! The one year anniversary from getting engaged is irrelevant.

Now I'm worried if I wait too long, though, as @doeydo pointed out, it would look like an afterthought.

I'll think about this a little more, but I'm leaning toward asking either both or just the high school friend for the sake of our long friendship. I don't want to hurt feelings of my group of law school friends by asking one and not the others. I'm not sure 7 vs. 8 makes any difference in whether guests would side-eye it as a large party (or how much I care if a guest thinks I have too many BMs).

@kmmssg Thanks for pointing out cost as a factor-- I hadn't thought about that until I read some other posts on this board about asking BMs. We have room in our budget but I might have underestimated that, so thanks!

BMoreBride6 · December 2013

I had 8 and it wasn't an issue. I was a little nervous it would be too many but all the girls I choose were incredibly laid back and truly all very dear to me. I could have cared less about sides being even but DH has 4 brothers, my brother, and 3 friends he wanted to include on his side so yes we ended up with a large wedding party, and yes it was expensive for the RD and gifts (and we had a sweetheart table and seated the WP+dates at tables with people they knew well rather than forcing them all to stay together the whole night, so the head table wasn't an issue), but in the end, I'm glad I asked all the people I wanted to.

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