NWR: Mom's birthday. Venting a bit.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

My birthday was in September. My mom mailed me a cute card but did not get me a birthday present because she could not afford one. Nbd.

Fi and I went up to visit Mom OOS a few weeks ago. She complained to me about her financial situation as usual, and said to me, "I haven't been clothes shopping in forever. For my birthday, I really need some nice long-sleeved tops."

I didn't think anything of this at the time, until Fi pointed out Mom didn't get me anything and it was really rude of her to ask me outright for a gift. I'm a student, she's a 51 (almost 52) year old mother. She's asking me for a birthday present, when she didn't get her own daughter a present this year.

I'm shopping online for her right now and just got really annoyed about this. Am I an enabler of her bad choices? Or should I just be nice and get her a gift?

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

I agree, it is rude, but presents aren't tit-for-tat; just because she didn't get you one doesn't mean you shouldn't get her one.

If, however, if would place an undue financial hardship on you -- or you just don't want to -- you could say to her, "Hey, Mom, I know you said you needed long-sleeved tops, but money is really tight for me and FI, so I'm sorry, I can't get you anything for your birthday this year."

maryemoo · November 2013

Tough. I think etiquette wise it would be better just to buy her something (although not very expensive and not a lot of stuff) and say happy birthday and be the bigger person, but personally, I wouldn't want to do that if I was in your situation.

Also, if she NEEDS them, why doesn't she save her money and get them herself? I would probably say something like "Mom, I know you said you needed some long sleeve tops, but I'd rather buy you something that you want but have been holding back on getting for lack of funds."

JCbride2015 · November 2013

maryemoo said:
Also, if she NEEDS them, why doesn't she save her money and get them herself?

Yeah I think this is also part of the situation. I would rather get her something fun. It seems boring to get her shirts, but now that she asked for them, I feel bad not to get it for her. I agree that to reduce friction, I will probably just get her a gift. She does actually need shirts and won't buy them for herself. A shirt is not really a financial hardship in the grand scheme of things. Although of course when paying off credit cards and saving for a wedding, all discretionary spending is tight.

As for why she cannot will not save up money for herself. The Cliffs Notes version is that she makes chronic terrible money decisions.

She is now trying to start a small business and considering moving in with her new bf. In the pool house where he lives. Without running water. Because both of them are broke. "But he's such a talented artist/ musician/ recycling genius."

Meanwhile I'm buying my college student little sister groceries and Mom "borrows" from my grandmother's retirement account to pay rent.

#headdesk

erinlin25 · November 2013

it is your mom-- and if you are able to help her out and by her a long sleeve shirt or two I would do it for her. I do not know your situation but I would guess mom was your financial support for many years, so if you can swing a bday gift I'm sure she would appreciate it a lot.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

@erinlin25 You are right and I will certainly get her something. I do genuinely like to see my mom happy. And it would definitely be awkward to just not get her a present.

I'm just irked, basically. I try to be very considerate of other people's situations, and Mom was pretty rude about asking for a specific gift. I'm also really touchy about her money decisions in general, so hearing that she cannot/ will not prioritize saving to buy herself basic clothing makes me pissed off. When she was laid off from her job two years ago, she used her severance money to get Botox because it would "help her look young in the job market." That type of decision is why she doesn't have money right now to buy herself clothes, and I feel like I feed that cycle by bailing her out.

erinlin25 · November 2013

@JCBride2014 I would be irked too

I agree she needs to start acting like an adult again and take responsibility for her. If she asked you to pay for the botox I would totally judge, lol-- but since it was a long sleeve shirt she wanted I would vent like you did, buy her the shirt and pray she got her act together. It is odd when we sometimes feel we have to parent our own parents. If the time is right, check in with her and see if there is anything you can do (non financially) that can help her get back on track. You definitely can and should pick and choose how you help her. Good Luck

climbingsingle · November 2013

Wow. I'm surprised at these responses. My mom spent 18 years (and more) providing for me. When she asks me what I want for my birthday, I tell her nothing. She's given me enough over the 33 years of my life. And when it's her birthday, or it's Mother's Day or Christmas, I go all out because she deserves it.
Maybe you should take some time and reflect on all the things your mother may have done for you. Maybe then you won't be so annoyed by looking online for a preset for her. FYI - you sound like a really ungrateful child.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

Climbing, Fair enough. Mom fed me and gave me a roof over my head for 17 years. She lets me call her and vent when I'm having a bad day, and she is happy for me when things go well. And if she were to ask me what I want for a gift, I would of course say nothing because I know it's not in her budget. Thanks to her, I had cool handmade Halloween costumes as a kid, and I grew up playing with mud pies and Play-Doh instead of zonked out in front of a TV.

But I don't think it's fair of her to make bad financial decisions, and ask her daughter to foot her clothing bill under the pretense of a birthday gift. I would have been excited to give her a fun gift, something she wouldn't get herself and that she would enjoy. Now she's made me feel obligated, and that isn't a fun way at all to celebrate a birthday

Anyway, I'm going to get her the shirt and hope she straightens herself out pretty soon. I really do want her to be in a better place in her life and I hope she can make that happen.

melbelleup · November 2013

JCBride2014 said:

Climbing, Fair enough. Mom fed me and gave me a roof over my head for 17 years. She lets me call her and vent when I'm having a bad day, and she is happy for me when things go well. And if she were to ask me what I want for a gift, I would of course say nothing because I know it's not in her budget. Thanks to her, I had cool handmade Halloween costumes as a kid, and I grew up playing with mud pies and Play-Doh instead of zonked out in front of a TV.

But I don't think it's fair of her to make bad financial decisions, and ask her daughter to foot her clothing bill under the pretense of a birthday gift. I would have been excited to give her a fun gift, something she wouldn't get herself and that she would enjoy. Now she's made me feel obligated, and that isn't a fun way at all to celebrate a birthday

Anyway, I'm going to get her the shirt and hope she straightens herself out pretty soon. I really do want her to be in a better place in her life and I hope she can make that happen.

IDK. I guess in my mind, if she asked you for it, she would enjoy it. You already stated that she wouldn't get it for herself.

My x-bf had no money, his mom had no money, they barely got by. For every birthday and christmas my parents would buy him jeans and a hoody or shirt. He was more than thrilled because he couldn't afford them, his mom wouldn't buy him them. This was when we were both in college btw.

nsweare · November 2013

Umm I don't think people owe their parents anything for raising them. Adults make the decision to have children, knowing that raising them and paying for their shit for 18 yrs is all part of that. The gift children give their parents is to grow into self-sufficient adults who contribute to the world in some small way. Obviously, being kind and loving and helpful to your parents is a kind thing to do, but it isn't "owed" them for simply doing what they basically contracted to do by bringing you into this world.

lc07 · November 2013

I think it was impolite of her to request a specific type of gift without you asking for her opinion. However, you're not obligated to buy her a gift. I don't give people gifts because they give me gifts. I give them because I want to give them something. Also, it sounds like Mom can't win. If she would have wanted something "fun" she'd be frivolous. She wants something practical. I thought you wanted her to be more practical?

JCbride2015 · November 2013

Thanks @nsweare. I agree we don't owe our parents for raising them. Neither of my parents were there for me in a lot of ways I wish they were, but I know they love me and did they best they could within their individual limitations. I really am grateful to my mom for making me feel loved.

@Ic07, this is sort of where I'm at. I think the part that bothers me is that she asked for a specific gift, which was rude. The fact that she did not get me a birthday gift makes that extra rude to me, not necessarily that it's about tit for tat. I would've gotten her a gift regardless, but it's the expectation that bothered me as I continued to think about it. You're right to point out the "can't win" aspect, I suppose. I think tbh what I really WANT is for her to make practical decisions with her own money, so that her birthday can be about fun, not about worrying me that she doesn't have enough clothes.

lc07 · January 2014

@JCBride2014 sorry for the major delay in response. For some reason, I'm not getting notified of being tagged in posts. I totally understand where you're coming from. I agree that it would be way better if she'd take care of her own "needs" so that you wouldn't feel badly about purchasing a fun gift for her. That makes sense. How did everything end up going?

JCbride2015 · January 2014

@Ic07 no problem. It was fine, I got her the shirts and she really loved them. There was more drama around Christmas when it turned out she hadn't bought my little sister a present but she bought me and Fi a present-- apparently she "ran out of time." I was soooo pissed. I bought Sis extra presents so she would have something to open.

Meanwhile she fessed up to me (she sort of let it slip) that her business only did one paying job all month, and my grandmother told me she's now supporting my mom on a monthly basis. It makes me so angry that she is this irresponsible. I love her but she's just not my favorite person right now.

CMGragain · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

My birthday was in September. My mom mailed me a cute card but did not get me a birthday present because she could not afford one. Nbd.

Fi and I went up to visit Mom OOS a few weeks ago. She complained to me about her financial situation as usual, and said to me, "I haven't been clothes shopping in forever. For my birthday, I really need some nice long-sleeved tops."

I didn't think anything of this at the time, until Fi pointed out Mom didn't get me anything and it was really rude of her to ask me outright for a gift. I'm a student, she's a 51 (almost 52) year old mother. She's asking me for a birthday present, when she didn't get her own daughter a present this year.

I'm shopping online for her right now and just got really annoyed about this. Am I an enabler of her bad choices? Or should I just be nice and get her a gift?

Go ahead and get her a gift. It will make her happy.
I get where you are coming from. My late mother was obsessed with clothes and appearance. She demanded gifts and she demanded to be thanked many times for any gift she gave to me or my children. For years she repeatedly told us that she didn't have any money. "I can't afford to go to the grocery store! I can't afford to go to McDonalds" etc.
Imagine how I felt when I started processing her estate and I found four bank accounts and a stock portfolio totaling half a million dollars. Why did she lie all those years?
While we were not close, I'm glad I gave her the gifts that were so important to her. I will never understand, though.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

CMGragain said:

JCBride2014 said:

My birthday was in September. My mom mailed me a cute card but did not get me a birthday present because she could not afford one. Nbd.

Fi and I went up to visit Mom OOS a few weeks ago. She complained to me about her financial situation as usual, and said to me, "I haven't been clothes shopping in forever. For my birthday, I really need some nice long-sleeved tops."

I didn't think anything of this at the time, until Fi pointed out Mom didn't get me anything and it was really rude of her to ask me outright for a gift. I'm a student, she's a 51 (almost 52) year old mother. She's asking me for a birthday present, when she didn't get her own daughter a present this year.

I'm shopping online for her right now and just got really annoyed about this. Am I an enabler of her bad choices? Or should I just be nice and get her a gift?

Go ahead and get her a gift. It will make her happy.
I get where you are coming from. My late mother was obsessed with clothes and appearance. She demanded gifts and she demanded to be thanked many times for any gift she gave to me or my children. For years she repeatedly told us that she didn't have any money. "I can't afford to go to the grocery store! I can't afford to go to McDonalds" etc.
Imagine how I felt when I started processing her estate and I found four bank accounts and a stock portfolio totaling half a million dollars. Why did she lie all those years?
While we were not close, I'm glad I gave her the gifts that were so important to her. I will never understand, though.

@CMGragain this was an old thread-- I got her the gift and she was very appreciative. We still have a lot of issues around her irresponsible handling of money, but at least I felt good about getting her a couple of shirts that she really liked. I just wish she hadn't asked, it was just really awkward. Obviously I would have gotten her something anyway, she's my mom!

ETA smiley face, realized that last ! could sound annoyed, which it wasn't. Just like, duh Mom-- of course I will get you a gift!

NWR: Mom's birthday. Venting a bit.

Re: NWR: Mom's birthday. Venting a bit.

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