Explaining etiquette to my parents

spedteach4life · January 2014

When my parents got married they had a cash bar and did the dollar dance.... now that it is my turn my mom is convinced that this is okay.... I've tried multiple times to explain to her that it is not but she won't listen. I would prefer a dry wedding with no dollar dance. The dollar dance really isn't much of an issue as long as I get to the dj before she does. It is the cash bar debacle that I have a problem with. Every time I talk to her about the venue she belittles me about it. I've gotten to the point that I don't even want to talk to her about my wedding anymore. It's terrible! Any advice on how to explain it to her in a way that she would understand?

purefluff · January 2014

I don't think there's a good way to approach it other than stand your ground, or falsely concede that "It may be fine, but it's just not my style."

Trying to convince people who are their set in their ways is a ridiculous effort to make, and trust me I've made the mistake of trying far too many times. Mostly concerning anything to do animals. Being someone who genuinely enjoys researching topics on animals and genetics isn't exactly fun when all that you do is run into people who think that breeding their "purebred" backyard breeder dog is totally okay or think goldfish do in fact do well in bowls. Which may sound off topic, but the fact remains the same; people don't like to concede when they are wrong, especially if it's something they've done in the past and served no major punishment for.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Who's paying? He who pays gets a say. If she's paying, you're going to have to accept she might do things you sent like. To avoid this, plan the wedding you and your FI can afford. That way, she doesn't get a say in things like a cash bar.

melbelleup · January 2014

Oh yes, etiquette to parents... don't worry I've had battles with mine too... like I shouldn't use boyfriends' names on the invite and just say guest.... I'm just going above their head though and doing what is proper. But it does depend on who is paying. I would just say you strongly want a dry wedding and that's that.

misssunshine17 · January 2014

Don't worry, you're not alone. We do need to know who is paying, since money gets power when it comes to wedding planning.

If she's not paying, stop talking to her about it. If she asks why, say that you don't seem to agree on much. Maybe offer her something that you don't care much about? Invite her to a cake tasting or something so it's steers clear of the 'issue' topics.

jessicabessica · January 2014

If she's paying, she gets a say. I think you can still voice your opinion to her, but she will get to ultimately decide, and depending on how reasonable she's being, she may or may not respect your wishes.

If she's not paying and insists on a dollar dance, tell your DJ that it's absolutely not happening no matter what she says at the reception (you can also tell the DJ not to give the mic to anyone except the people that you designate at allowed times).

And I would really approach this as a "I don't feel comfortable with a dollar dance," not "OMG dollar dances are so rude I would never have one." You don't need to insult her wedding and get her to change how she feels, you just need her to respect what you want to do for your wedding.

vt&dt · January 2014

OP, if your parents are paying (it kind of seems like they might be, but not sure) - could you and your FI cover the cost of the bar? That way they can still be included and involved in the wedding planning, but you and your FI can make sure your guests are properly hosted.

Beer and wine (and maybe one signature drink) is a much cheaper and perfectly acceptable way to properly host your guests. Or, if you have other reasons for preferring a dry wedding to a hosted bar, I'd be upfront with her about those.

You're right on that a dry wedding is OK and a cash bar is not, stick to your guns on this one!

kgd7357 · January 2014

My parents are paying for about half of our wedding, and explaining the etiquette to my mother is so tiring. It started out with them not paying, but they kept adding more guests, so they ended up paying for all the additions. Now were are at the room cap (with dance floor), as many of our single guests started dating people. My mother now wants to add on even more guests, and says that we don't have to have any SOs that aren't engaged or married b/c that is how she had it at her wedding, and that way she can add her extra guests. She does not undestand the SOs MUST be invited. It seriously makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I told her we could add all her guest and I'd keep all the SOs, but we have to cancel the DJ, since no one will be able to dance with all those tables added in. She shut up after that, because she is smart enough to know that lots of booze and no dance floor makes for a mess of a party.

bmydesigner · January 2014

In reply to the dollar dance maybe try to say, "Mom, I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable dancing for money."

spedteach4life · January 2014

In response to those of you wanting to know whether they are paying... the answer in short is no.

The long answer is that it was mentioned at one point that they may offer but it hasn't come up again. Currently we are planning on what we can afford to spend and if they want all their family friend peeps coming they get to pay for it. FI and I would prefer a wedding under 50 people so that is what we are planning unless they offer money. At that point we will have to accept more people are coming.

Inkdancer · January 2014

Well, the good news is that if she isn't paying, she doesn't deal with any of the contractors. Therefore, she can't ask them to do anything you don't want to do. If you're paying, you get to decide what kind of drinks will be served--and if that's none, she needs to deal.

Just let the DJ know that there will be no dollar dance under any circumstances, and it should be okay.

As for dealing with your mom, I have two suggestions. You can either not talk to her about the wedding at all, or you can distract her with details. If you keep her focused on what color napkins you should have and whether the cheese fondue should be cheddar or gouda, she'll be too busy with that to worry about anything else.

cowgirl8238 · January 2014

kgd7357 said:

My parents are paying for about half of our wedding, and explaining the etiquette to my mother is so tiring. It started out with them not paying, but they kept adding more guests, so they ended up paying for all the additions. Now were are at the room cap (with dance floor), as many of our single guests started dating people. My mother now wants to add on even more guests, and says that we don't have to have any SOs that aren't engaged or married b/c that is how she had it at her wedding, and that way she can add her extra guests. She does not undestand the SOs MUST be invited. It seriously makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I told her we could add all her guest and I'd keep all the SOs, but we have to cancel the DJ, since no one will be able to dance with all those tables added in. She shut up after that, because she is smart enough to know that lots of booze and no dance floor makes for a mess of a party.

Sounds like you set a precedent here and it may be hard to back out of it now. By letting your mom control guests and then contribute financially you have made this a litte thougher on yourself. I would stand firm on your decisions. If you don't feel comfortable with a dollar dance, as pp's have suggested word it as such. The cash bar is bit harder, but perhaps you can afford a limited Beer and Wine bar instead? If not I would just remind her if she brings it up that you don't want a cash bar and then bean dip it.

Also have STD's or invites gone out? You can't just let your mom keep adding guests, and as it sounds your recpetion will probably be too crowded already. (I persoanlly hate the "room capacities" these venues give you. They don't accomadte anyone who needs to walk between the tables during dinner, and it just makes for a mess when people are sitting on top of one another. But that is my personal pet-peeve) I think you may have already dug a hole, but you have to stop letting your mom dig you even deeper.

Good Luck!

smalfrie19 · January 2014

spedteach4life said:

In response to those of you wanting to know whether they are paying... the answer in short is no.

The long answer is that it was mentioned at one point that they may offer but it hasn't come up again. Currently we are planning on what we can afford to spend and if they want all their family friend peeps coming they get to pay for it. FI and I would prefer a wedding under 50 people so that is what we are planning unless they offer money. At that point we will have to accept more people are coming.

You know, you can just say thanks, but no thanks if they offer money...

Amyzen83 · January 2014

I like the idea of distracting your mom with smaller details because then she can at least be involved without stepping on your toes

JCbride2015 · January 2014

smalfrie19 said:

spedteach4life said:

In response to those of you wanting to know whether they are paying... the answer in short is no.

The long answer is that it was mentioned at one point that they may offer but it hasn't come up again. Currently we are planning on what we can afford to spend and if they want all their family friend peeps coming they get to pay for it. FI and I would prefer a wedding under 50 people so that is what we are planning unless they offer money. At that point we will have to accept more people are coming.
You know, you can just say thanks, but no thanks if they offer money...

This. If you want the wedding under 50 people with no cash bar or dollar dance, just politely refuse your parents' offers of help. Something tells me this is also feeding into your post on postponing the wedding over on Chit Chat-- are you hoping that if you postpone, they will contribute? I think you and Fi need to get really clear on what kind of wedding you want, and when. If parents decide to contribute, you and Fi should discuss whether you are OK with the strings that will come attached to that money. If not, just say that you really appreciate the gesture, but you and Fi would rather pay for the wedding yourselves and you want to keep the wedding small.

Then: stop talking to your mom about your wedding. Period.

kgd7357 · January 2014

cowgirl8238 said:

kgd7357 said:

My parents are paying for about half of our wedding, and explaining the etiquette to my mother is so tiring. It started out with them not paying, but they kept adding more guests, so they ended up paying for all the additions. Now were are at the room cap (with dance floor), as many of our single guests started dating people. My mother now wants to add on even more guests, and says that we don't have to have any SOs that aren't engaged or married b/c that is how she had it at her wedding, and that way she can add her extra guests. She does not undestand the SOs MUST be invited. It seriously makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I told her we could add all her guest and I'd keep all the SOs, but we have to cancel the DJ, since no one will be able to dance with all those tables added in. She shut up after that, because she is smart enough to know that lots of booze and no dance floor makes for a mess of a party.

Sounds like you set a precedent here and it may be hard to back out of it now. By letting your mom control guests and then contribute financially you have made this a litte thougher on yourself. I would stand firm on your decisions. If you don't feel comfortable with a dollar dance, as pp's have suggested word it as such. The cash bar is bit harder, but perhaps you can afford a limited Beer and Wine bar instead? If not I would just remind her if she brings it up that you don't want a cash bar and then bean dip it.

Also have STD's or invites gone out? You can't just let your mom keep adding guests, and as it sounds your recpetion will probably be too crowded already. (I persoanlly hate the "room capacities" these venues give you. They don't accomadte anyone who needs to walk between the tables during dinner, and it just makes for a mess when people are sitting on top of one another. But that is my personal pet-peeve) I think you may have already dug a hole, but you have to stop letting your mom dig you even deeper.

Good Luck!

Sorry to confuse. I'm not the OP. I have a similar issue though in regards to teaching my mother etiquette. Our room cap is actually 270, but they recommend no more than 200 with a dance floor. We sent STDs to about 170 people and left a lot of buffer room for our single guests that might get a SO later (~20 people). My mother doesn't get this concept apparently and thinks she can just fill in the last 30 spots as she pleases. At first she just gave me 10 more names, which was fine, since there was still space for SOs if they exist. The way the expenses go is we are paying for first cousins and closer on both sides and all our friends. Any extra people they want, they are paying for. Now she wants to add 10 more, and we already have 10 solo guests that got SOs since the STDs went out. So it's not the money, it's the space. We need to be able to properly host all SOs with room to breathe.

kmmssg · January 2014

I do feel for you girls. I guess I'll just throw it out there that when most of us were getting married in the 70's and 80's weddings were NOTHING like they are today unless you came from a freaking ton of money. They were not nearly as upscale, didn't include open bars and didn't cost a few month's of Daddy's wages. My very best friends had a potluck wedding. Back then it wasn't such a big deal.

Do I host cash bars or potlucks for my DDs? Oh, Hell no. I guess I just want you all to have a bit of patience with your parents because what you are telling them is foreign to many and they probably think you are being all high maintenance. Neither of my weddings had cash bars or were potlucks but looking back, I hit tacky on a couple of things that will go unmentioned.

My BFF's DD got married in November. I went over to chat and help with some planning and we were talking about dresses not needing to match and few other things that are common now and the DD turned to my BFF and said, "See! I told you!! Kelley knows all this stuff already!" Well..when her parents got married back in the early 90's we were still under Wedding Marshal Law - you know, where if the sides weren't even and if the BM's didn't look like clones the marriage was invalid and your children would be illegitimate.

Be patient, it is possible to teach an old dog new tricks.

spedteach4life · January 2014

JCBride2014 said:

smalfrie19 said:

spedteach4life said:

In response to those of you wanting to know whether they are paying... the answer in short is no.

The long answer is that it was mentioned at one point that they may offer but it hasn't come up again. Currently we are planning on what we can afford to spend and if they want all their family friend peeps coming they get to pay for it. FI and I would prefer a wedding under 50 people so that is what we are planning unless they offer money. At that point we will have to accept more people are coming.
You know, you can just say thanks, but no thanks if they offer money...

This. If you want the wedding under 50 people with no cash bar or dollar dance, just politely refuse your parents' offers of help. Something tells me this is also feeding into your post on postponing the wedding over on Chit Chat-- are you hoping that if you postpone, they will contribute? I think you and Fi need to get really clear on what kind of wedding you want, and when. If parents decide to contribute, you and Fi should discuss whether you are OK with the strings that will come attached to that money. If not, just say that you really appreciate the gesture, but you and Fi would rather pay for the wedding yourselves and you want to keep the wedding small.

Then: stop talking to your mom about your wedding. Period.

I truly do want a small dry wedding. I never really thought about declining the money if they offered it. For some reason it seemed rude to me. However, now that I'm thinking about it I realize how ridiculous that is. Sometimes it helps to have someone point it out. Thanks!

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

spedteach4life said:

JCBride2014 said:

smalfrie19 said:

spedteach4life said:

In response to those of you wanting to know whether they are paying... the answer in short is no.

The long answer is that it was mentioned at one point that they may offer but it hasn't come up again. Currently we are planning on what we can afford to spend and if they want all their family friend peeps coming they get to pay for it. FI and I would prefer a wedding under 50 people so that is what we are planning unless they offer money. At that point we will have to accept more people are coming.
You know, you can just say thanks, but no thanks if they offer money...

This. If you want the wedding under 50 people with no cash bar or dollar dance, just politely refuse your parents' offers of help. Something tells me this is also feeding into your post on postponing the wedding over on Chit Chat-- are you hoping that if you postpone, they will contribute? I think you and Fi need to get really clear on what kind of wedding you want, and when. If parents decide to contribute, you and Fi should discuss whether you are OK with the strings that will come attached to that money. If not, just say that you really appreciate the gesture, but you and Fi would rather pay for the wedding yourselves and you want to keep the wedding small.

Then: stop talking to your mom about your wedding. Period.

I truly do want a small dry wedding. I never really thought about declining the money if they offered it. For some reason it seemed rude to me. However, now that I'm thinking about it I realize how ridiculous that is. Sometimes it helps to have someone point it out. Thanks!

Then stop speaking with your parents about the wedding. Then they cannot tell you about trying to postpone or add in items at your wedding that you do not want. So just start telling them that you have all the wedding plans covered. Change the subject when the wedding comes up. Issue the invitation as if you and FI are the hosts of the wedding and just send the invite to your parents when the time comes. If you need help with any planning, ask us! We love weddings!

kittypolishnbags · January 2014

^^ This. Everything the PP said. I'm in a rush to get all the details of my own wedding done that I don't need my parents sticking their nose in it. I'm paying for it and I'm taking care of it all. I just had an unpleasant exchange with them yesterday over the guest list and I had to put my foot down on it. I love weddings but I'm eager to just get everything booked so they won't bother me about anything anymore.

Explaining etiquette to my parents

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