Would this work?

LoveLee2014 · January 2014

Hi all,

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this. We are in the very beginning of our wedding planning and with our possible guest list, almost half are under 6 years old. We are not okay with this. So, that is easy,we just do not invite children to the wedding. Well......we also have several family/friends with high school aged 'kids' we would be fine with having at our wedding. This is where it gets tricky for us. Several of the families invited have a few College/High School aged 'kids', then a 4 year old. How do I let them know the young children are not invited but the older ones are??

Also, I have been talking to several friends who have children and they were telling me they would not be offended at all! They actually said that they would rather their small kids not be there so they could have fun without worrying about them. I'm just looking for the proper way to word it, really.

AddieCake · January 2014

You address the envelopes only to the people invited. Don't word it any way about kids not being invited. Simply don't invite them. Make sure your "kid" cutoff is clear, though. Like, I wouldn't invite a 10-year-old but not the 4-year-old, you know? Make it like 13 or 16 something.

ETA: For the college kids, anyone over 18 gets his or her own invitation, by the way.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

It's totally fine, and normal, to have a kid "cut-off" age around 12, 15, or 18. I wouldn't invite a 13 year old but leave the 11 year old sibling off, but it doesn't sound like that's an issue here. You are perfectly fine to invite the teens and leave the little ones off.

As with any invitation, you word it by leaving the names of those not invited off the invitation.

pittiemama14 · January 2014

You just address the envelopes with only the guests that are invited, and if they rsvp for themselves plus little Timmy, then you call and let them know that the invite was only for the listed guests and you cannot accomodate additional guests. It is not proper etiquette to say on your invitation who is not invited. For example saying "adults only" or "no children" is not okay.

ETA: so let's say Mr. And Mrs. Smith have a child that is two and you dont want him there, your invitation looks like this.
Mr.and Mrs. Smith
Now, Mr. And Mrs. Jones have a 17year old daughter that you would like to invite. Your invitation would look like this:
Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Sally Jones.

Make sense? Hope it helps!

phira · January 2014

My brother did 16+ at his wedding. I think that the best way to go about it is to pick a cut-off that avoids as many split families as possible OR one that does split families that have siblings of very different ages.

For example, my brother's age cut-off of 16 made sure that there were no families where one sibling could attend, but others couldn't. There were some cousins who were 14 or 15 who weren't invited (so, they were close to the cut-off), but none of their siblings were invited either.

As for cut-offs that split up families, that'll work if you've got a family with say ... a 16 year old and a 10 year old if the cut-off is 15 or 16. It might not work if you have a cut-off of 18 and there's a family with a 17 year old and a 19 year old.

LoveLee2014 · January 2014

Thank you!!!! So for example on the invitation:
'Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Miss. Amy Smith'

I did just read that anyone over 18 years of age gets their own invitation, even if they live at the same address! That works for me.
I need to run out to Barnes & Noble and buy a few magazines and books!!!! I have no idea what I am doing.

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

I disagree. I don't like inviting one child and not the other- I thought we don't split up families when inviting children? If it's a college aged person, they are an adult and they would get their own invitation, so that's a non issue. At the very least i would make the cut off around 16, if you have to do this.

LoveLee2014 · January 2014

I disagree. I don't like inviting one child and not the other- I thought we don't split up families when inviting children? If it's a college aged person, they are an adult and they would get their own invitation, so that's a non issue. At the very least i would make the cut off around 16, if you have to do this.

I value all opinions here! Thank you for posting. 15/16 seems like a good age for us to cut off at.

LoveLee2014 · January 2014

double post-sorry. I am very new to this.

indianaalum · January 2014

I don't think you are supposed to split up families. You can choose not to invite kids, but I dn't think you are allowed to invite a 16 year old but not the 4 year old, If I recall correctly

jessicabessica · January 2014

I don't think I would split up families. When we did our guestlist, we were open to kids based on our relationship with the family. If we wanted to invite the whole family, we did, if we weren't that close, we just invited the adults as a couple. You can only invite family kids or something like that--draw a line a different way.

Also, you can invite an entire family and they can choose to bring one kid but not the other. I'm not saying you have to, but just because guests would prefer to leave the kids at home doesn't mean you shouldn't invite them (if you wanted to invite them). Parents can choose to decline for their kids.

Jen4948 · January 2014

indianaalum said:

I don't think you are supposed to split up families. You can choose not to invite kids, but I dn't think you are allowed to invite a 16 year old but not the 4 year old, If I recall correctly

This is allowable.

Teddy917 · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

I don't think you are supposed to split up families. You can choose not to invite kids, but I dn't think you are allowed to invite a 16 year old but not the 4 year old, If I recall correctly

This is allowable.

Children get split up all the time and eventually have to learn that there are "grown up" stuff that 16 year old Sally gets to do that 5 year old Suzy doesn't. Think about at an amusement park. Sally can go on a ride that Suzy can't because she's older. Sally can go to school dances, etc. There are tons of age limits. Now if its a 15 year old and a 16 year old, then it's different.

GrrArgh · January 2014

I treated any teens old enough to drive as adults, they got their own separate invite apart from their parents and in most cases they got a plus 1. I also sent one to my 13 year old niece as she is in the wp. I can't lie I was sort of shocked, amused, and proud when she rsvp'ed promptly AND with a date! I think she was the first response we got actually lol

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

I also think the amusement park analogy is off. In that case, it's a safety thing for taller children and rides. There's no safety concern for a family wedding.

And I guess that's where I'm hung up. If you like kids and want them at the wedding, or these are your family members, why wouldn't you invite them all?

Also, while kids and parents aren't a social unit the way couples are, I don't think you can split up a family unit once you start inviting part of them. It would be fine to invite just the parents, but I think kids (other than over 18 kids who are adults in their own right) are an all or nothing package

I'm with @scribe95-- will it cause hurt feelings? Then don't do it.

wrigleyville · January 2014

I'd err on the side of not splitting up the kids. Just because a few friends are okay with it doesn't mean everyone will be. I tend to see kids as an all or nothing deal, even if there is a huge age difference (such as 6 and 16).

There's no hard and fast etiquette on it; that's just my opinion.

monkeysip · January 2014

HisGirlFriday13 on this.

Maybe you really just need to know your social circle for this. Some families might not care, but I can see some hurt feelings if you only invite the 16 year old and not the 6 year old. Maybe analyze it on a family-by-family basis.

fionahalliwell · January 2014

As (essentially) the resident kid in these parts, I know that I would have been pissed at 16 if the whole reason I was left out was because I had a (hypothetical) 4-year-old sibling who was deemed too young. That's two completely different things, IMO, and I'd be especially upset if the wedding had other 16-year-olds present. I mean, is it my fault my parents had this 4-year-old when I was 12? No, that's not how I see it now, but at 16, that would definitely have been my outlook.

I see the argument that splitting up families sounds bad. At the same time, I know families where the age difference is vast (my best friend's oldest and youngest siblings are 13 years apart!), and it feels unfair to leave out kids who'd be included if their parents didn't have another younger kid. Does that make sense? I know it sounds childish, but you are dealing with teenage feelings here.

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

fionahalliwell said:

As (essentially) the resident kid in these parts, I know that I would have been pissed at 16 if the whole reason I was left out was because I had a (hypothetical) 4-year-old sibling who was deemed too young. That's two completely different things, IMO, and I'd be especially upset if the wedding had other 16-year-olds present. I mean, is it my fault my parents had this 4-year-old when I was 12? No, that's not how I see it now, but at 16, that would definitely have been my outlook.

I see the argument that splitting up families sounds bad. At the same time, I know families where the age difference is vast (my best friend's oldest and youngest siblings are 13 years apart!), and it feels unfair to leave out kids who'd be included if their parents didn't have another younger kid. Does that make sense? I know it sounds childish, but you are dealing with teenage feelings here.

This is a good point, but I think most people are for including the younger siblings, not excluding the 16 year old. I recall the post awhile ago, about the bride's MOH's 16 year old sister, who the bride wanted to invite, along with their parent's, but wasn't sure about the 10 year old (or whatever age they were) siblings. Everyone pretty much said they should invite the younger siblings as well. So how is this different?

monkeysip · January 2014

I just don't really get the etiquette difference between splitting siblings of close age (like 14 and 16) and splitting siblings of far apart age (like 6 and 16). You're still going to hurt the siblings and possibly the parent's feelings that way.

Cookie Pusher · January 2014

When discussing inviting a family member and their children to the wedding, one of FI's cousins said she didn't even WANT to bring the younger child even though the wedding is like 10 minutes from their house. Sometimes, parents want a break from the younger children but are okay bringing the older one. However, there's no way to be a mind-reader and know these things. We are avoiding this by not inviting children other than those involved in the wedding (cousin's older child is one of our ushers).

fionahalliwell · January 2014

I agree that, ideally, you'd just invite the whole family, but I'd feel crummy if I made the age cutoff and got excluded because of a younger sibling. That's really what I mean.

BecauseYouAre · January 2014

The thing is if they invite the 6 & 16 year old kids from family 'a' should they not invite the 6 year old from family 'b'? That's the thing I'm torn I wouldn't want to spilt up families. But you can't say their young kid is alowed because the have a teenager I do want. But yours are not alowed. I don't see a happy solution. Maybe if its 16+ only and they get their own invite but its very tricky.

monkeysip · January 2014

The thing is if they invite the 6 & 16 year old kids from family 'a' should they not invite the 6 year old from family 'b'? That's the thing I'm torn I wouldn't want to spilt up families. But you can't say their young kid is alowed because the have a teenager I do want. But yours are not alowed. I don't see a happy solution. Maybe if its 16+ only and they get their own invite but its very tricky.

*Stuck in box*

You don't have to tell the guests that. I mean, do people really come up the bride and groom at the wedding and say, "Hey, why did the Smith family get to bring their kids and we didn't??" If so, then those guests are just rude.

NYCBruin · January 2014

As a younger sibling, I see no problem splitting up siblings. Especially if there's a large age difference. Just like kids don't get invited to everything because their parents are invited, they don't automatically get an invitation because their brother or sister got one.

That said, I agree with PPs that this is more of a "know your guests list" issue than an etiquette issue. If you think it will cause drama or hurt feelings to split up siblings, then I would advise against doing so.

LoveLee2014 · January 2014

Thank you for all the thoughts! It is helpful to have other opinions to think about!

LoveLee2014 · January 2014

Thank you for all the thoughts! It is helpful to have other opinions to think about!

I hit the POST button one time, then it says error, I touch nothing, then it puts up a double post?!

lyndausvi · January 2014

This is exactly why I'm a fan of inviting in social circles. It's much easier to explain invite in because of social circle then some random age. Just because your aunt's kids are invited doesn't mean your co-workers kids need to be there either.

Doesn't work for all social groups, but it surely works for our.

On another note, you mentions you were "fine" with some of the high schooler at your wedding. If you are only "fine" then why even invite them at all? Just invite the parents. Now had you said we really wanted them there, then that would be different.

LoveLee2014 · January 2014

On another note, you mentions you were "fine" with some of the high schooler at your wedding. If you are only "fine" then why even invite them at all? Just invite the parents. Now had you said we really wanted them there, then that would be different.

I want them there. We have High School aged cousins that we want there, but we have baby/5 year old cousins we do not want there. "Fine" was a poor wording choice on my half.

LoveLee2014 · January 2014

On another note, you mentions you were "fine" with some of the high schooler at your wedding. If you are only "fine" then why even invite them at all? Just invite the parents. Now had you said we really wanted them there, then that would be different.

I want them there. We have High School aged cousins that we want there, but we have baby/5 year old cousins we do not want there. "Fine" was a poor wording choice on my half.

Would this work?

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