Poor Etiquette Vent

firebabe6519 · January 2014

To provide background, my parents are divorced with one remarried. Also apologies for the length!

Currently I am having issues with my family on my remarried parents side. My step mom (SM) has been a constant source of aggravation throughout the wedding process. We already had to postpone the wedding once due to unnecessary and excessive drama she stirred up.

This time around my FI and I have already endeavored to be considerate of her and other family members by moving our wedding location from the state we live in to the state my SM resides in which happens to be a central location for friends and family who would have to travel. We already compromised by choosing a date that doesn't fall on holidays, graduations, or other major events so we could be joined by as many of our loved ones as were able. (This required changing both the venue and date from June to the May).

Now my SM demands that we again change our date because she has an all expenses paid trip / mini vacation sponsored by her work that week. We declined as it would basically require completely scrapping and restarting all wedding plans. Now her, my dad, and that side of the family refuses to speak to me and is even threatening not to attend.

We have tried to be kind and considerate of our guests, but this is ridiculous! To me it isn't a matter of they can't attend, its a choice to put a trip that wasn't scheduled until after they were aware of our wedding date over going to our wedding.

I'm just fed up with the whole situation. My FI and I have paid for every penny of our wedding by ourselves and haven't asked for or received any help whatsoever. I haven't mailed out the invitations yet. And I am half tempted to simply not invite them if they insist on causing so much trouble! I don't want my FI and my special day to be ruined by drama queens.

zitiqueen · January 2014

firebabe6519 said:

To provide background, my parents are divorced with one remarried. Also apologies for the length! Currently I am having issues with my family on my remarried parents side. My step mom (SM) has been a constant source of aggravation throughout the wedding process. We already had to postpone the wedding once due to unnecessary and excessive drama she stirred up. This time around my FI and I have already endeavored to be considerate of her and other family members by moving our wedding location from the state we live in to the state my SM resides in which happens to be a central location for friends and family who would have to travel. We already compromised by choosing a date that doesn't fall on holidays, graduations, or other major events so we could be joined by as many of our loved ones as were able. (This required changing both the venue and date from June to the May). Now my SM demands that we again change our date because she has an all expenses paid trip / mini vacation sponsored by her work that week. We declined as it would basically require completely scrapping and restarting all wedding plans. Now her, my dad, and that side of the family refuses to speak to me and is even threatening not to attend. We have tried to be kind and considerate of our guests, but this is ridiculous! To me it isn't a matter of they can't attend, its a choice to put a trip that wasn't scheduled until after they were aware of our wedding date over going to our wedding. I'm just fed up with the whole situation. My FI and I have paid for every penny of our wedding by ourselves and haven't asked for or received any help whatsoever. I haven't mailed out the invitations yet. And I am half tempted to simply not invite them if they insist on causing so much trouble! I don't want my FI and my special day to be ruined by drama queens.

This isn't really an etiquette issue so much as it is a "Firebabe has turned herself into a doormat for us when it comes to her wedding, let's see just how far we can take this" issue. Stop allowing them to make the decisions for a wedding they aren't paying for. Stop allowing them to treat you this way. Keep the date you have -- call their bluff. And if they can't make it, oh well. They'll be missed. Not really, but that's what you need to say to them. "Oh, you can't make it that weekend? Sorry, you'll be missed. Have you tried this bean dip? It's fabulous!" They behave the way they do because everybody allows them to behave that way.

JoanE2012 · January 2014

You are paying, you are an adult, you make the plans. Don't let someone else control or manipulate you. Keep the date and continue planning.

chibiyui · January 2014

Invite them. If they don't show, then thats on them. Keep planning without their input, it sounds unncessary anyway.

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

If they were paying, they would have a say in how their money is spent. But they are not paying and you have already changed your plans once to attempt to accommodate them. I wouldn't be changing again. Follow ziti's advice and just tell SM that she will be missed at the wedding. Then just keep changing the subject if they continually bring up the wedding. If they won't leave it alone you can say "We have told you already we are not moving the wedding again. This topic is closed and there is no need for you to bring it up further." Then if they still won't stop it, don't talk to them about it. If you need to hang up the phone or leave somewhere early, do it. Say, you know what the answer is to this topic, when you have something else to discuss, call me back. Then hang up the phone! You cannot change their behavior, but you can change how you react to their behavior.

AddieCake · January 2014

Ignore them and move forward with your plans. If they won't come, too bad for them. I would love to be on the hearing end of the story when they explain why they didn't go. "Well, see, my work offered us a vacation, so that's why we didn't go to our daughter's wedding....." Yeah, that will look really good on them.

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

"My FI and I have paid for every penny of our wedding by ourselves and haven't asked for or received any help whatsoever."

No pay, no say. Since you and your FI are paying for everything, that means every decision as far as wedding planning is entirely up to you two. Have your wedding when you want it, and how you want it, SM has no place telling you to reschedule or trying to change your wedding plans. You are not being unreasonable for not scheduling your wedding around everyone's personal plans.

Send out all your invites, and if these people really want to be so petty that they're going to not attend your wedding because they're mad you didn't change your date, then let them be petty and dumb. I think it's great that you're trying so hard to be accommodating, but you have to draw a line somewhere or else you just end up being a doormat. You can't make everyone happy, so just be as polite and reasonable as possible and hope for the best. If people want to be upset with you still, oh well, that's their problem.

IMHO when people get so upset over such ridiculous things, I think they deserve to be upset. I just kinda look at them and think "Ok, if you want to be mad for such a dumb reason, go ahead and be mad, I'll just go ahead and be happier than you because I don't let such dumb stuff bother me."

jdluvr06 · January 2014

I agree with what the PPs said. Don't change the date of your wedding because of this. Stick to what you have planned and if they want to be petty and not come that is their problem.

firebabe6519 · January 2014

Thanks ladies. I don't intend to change the date again. I'm just annoyed with the situation. I'd love for my family to be there for our wedding; I just wish it wasn't such a hassle. I do need more of a backbone.

sarahufl · January 2014

She sounds terrible and it sounds like a really bad precedent to set. I agree with PPs . I also think this is a good time for you to politely, but firmly, put your foot down. Don't let them think they can take advantage of you for your entire relationship.

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

Personally, I don't think you should have changed the location of your wedding in the first place. However, you have already gone above and beyond to accommodate them, and now they want to throw a fit because want to go on vacation for free. I'm sorry, but fuck that! I agree with addie; they will look really bad to other people that they refused to go to your wedding, because they decided to go on vacation instead. You would think that your daughter's wedding would be a little more important than some work vacation. Do not change your plans because of them. They are the ones being unreasonable, not you.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Since she's not paying, I'd tell her, "I'm sorry, but no. Since you are not paying for the wedding, we are making the plans that work for us-even if they don't work for you. If you choose not to be there because it's inconvenient for you, you will be missed, but we will not be changing the plans further."

KittyKaty20 · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

Since she's not paying, I'd tell her, "I'm sorry, but no. Since you are not paying for the wedding, we are making the plans that work for us-even if they don't work for you. If you choose not to be there because it's inconvenient for you, you will be missed, but we will not be changing the plans further."

Please don't say the bolded selection-it's rude, and it opens up the chance that OP's SM and brood will offer to pay the difference. The money isn't the point here.

indianaalum · January 2014

AddieL73 said:

Ignore them and move forward with your plans. If they won't come, too bad for them. I would love to be on the hearing end of the story when they explain why they didn't go. "Well, see, my work offered us a vacation, so that's why we didn't go to our daughter's wedding....." Yeah, that will look really good on them.

EXACTLY. They will be the one to look like total dirtbags..

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard families can be during wedding planning. Hang in there

Senecaf · January 2014

I'm sorry she is being so absurd. I hope you don't let this bother you much. They are clearly bring being selfish and that will reflect on them, not you.

Anaelsea · January 2014

omg i cant believe you changed everything to suit them and then she changed it again and scheduled a vacation? I wouldnt not invite them, i would just mail the invitations. If she goes on her work vacation all her coworkers will think shes insane for skipping the wedding, and she'll regret it for the rest of her life

AprilH81 · January 2014

@firebabe6519

Is your SM's trip an incentive reward for meeting a sales goal or something similar? I know a lot of companies will offer to pay for the same/similar trip to those eligible to attend but can't for some reason.

I had a client that did a cruise for the top sales people every year. If someone couldn't make it due to a spouse being a teacher and not getting time off or a sick family member or whatever they could take the same cruise (or a similar cruise) at a time that was more convenient to the winner. The company still paid for the airfare, cruise and a few other perks that the people on the official trip got. They just weren't with everyone else.

I think this is more about the power trip to get you to change the wedding than the trip, but I can understand how bummed they would be to miss a free vacation no matter how much they love you and want to be at your wedding. Your wedding should trump everything but I can see why they would be disappointed.

Ask your SM to check with her boss or the trip coordinator and see if there are any alternatives if they are unable to attend. It can't hurt to ask!

Jen4948 · January 2014

KittyKaty20 said:

Jen4948 said:

Since she's not paying, I'd tell her, "I'm sorry, but no. Since you are not paying for the wedding, we are making the plans that work for us-even if they don't work for you. If you choose not to be there because it's inconvenient for you, you will be missed, but we will not be changing the plans further."

Please don't say the bolded selection-it's rude, and it opens up the chance that OP's SM and brood will offer to pay the difference. The money isn't the point here.

No, it's not rude to say it. It establishes the basis for the lack of decision-making rights the SM has here, and it makes clear that she's not welcome to offer to pay the difference.

firebabe6519 · January 2014

@AprinH81 The trip is just an office vacation. Her work usually has one or two a year.

AprilH81 · January 2014

firebabe6519 said:

@AprinH81 The trip is just an office vacation. Her work usually has one or two a year.

Then she can miss this one and wait for the next. If this is a frequent thing there is no need for you to attempt to schedule your wedding around this.

But that is a pretty awesome job perk.

kates919 · January 2014

You are a much better person than I am, because I would not have changed it the first time. It is one thing to be considerate of others when planning your wedding, as you want as many of your loved ones there as possible, but for her to expect and demand that you change your wedding date to accommodate a trip that she scheduled after the fact, is just plain rude! Getting married is one of the biggest events of your life and involves months and months of planning. That is why people plan their time around weddings, not the other way around. I'm personally more appalled that your father would let his wife treat you this way and back her up. As for the rest of your family, I think you should still invite them. Let them be the ones to make the decision whether or not to come.

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