Does this happen to you?

bethsmiles · January 2014

Every time I visit the town I grew up in I get bombarded with questions of "when are you getting engaged?" "why aren't you married yet?" "what are you waiting for?" and lots of people inviting themselves to my future wedding...WTF?! I've seriously had people ask me questions about where and when the wedding will be because they want to come. Umm...I'm not engaged so the wedding is non-existent people, there is no where or when! This does not happen when I'm in Colorado. There are no people nagging me to get married or crazy people just inviting themselves to a future wedding that is in no way being planned!

Please tell me this happens to some of you ladies and it's not just the people in my life that are completely insane!

JCbride2015 · January 2014

This happened to us a bunch before we got engaged-- and now we are having a long engagement, so until we set a date, it was "when's the wedding?"

We dated for ten years before he proposed, and it will be twelve before we marry.

The worst is people inviting themselves to the future wedding. It's so presumptuous. Just bean dip the heck out of them... but yeah it's super annoying.

Shiroyasha · January 2014

I get the same thing a lot at family gatherings. But they've learned to try to be subtle about it now. My step-aunt was talking to BF about how we've been together so long and we get along so well and how it should be any day now. It annoys me because I want BF to propose on his own, not because he felt like he got pressured into doing so. I also hate it when people are inviting themselves to a wedding that doesn't exist. We will invite who we want when it's actually a in the works.

bethsmiles · January 2014

I've gotten pretty good at the bean dipping. I usually laugh and say "I'm sure it will happen soon enough, how is so-and-so, what have you been up to, etc." My family is good about not pressuring BF at all about it. Thankfully, I only get these incredibly annoying questions when I'm by myself. I would hate it if BF was feeling pressured by other people.

The most annoying/insulting is "Isn't five years enough time to know for sure?" Yeah, we do know for sure that we want to be together that doesn't mean right now is the right time to get married!

500days · January 2014

I hear ya, before we got engaged (right at 5 years) the only people that did not mention anything were my father, 3 best friends (including his sister) and my uncles. With most people they would just ask "Do you want to get married? What's the hold up?" Some of FI's friends told him to just buy a smaller stone or a cz because they thought it was him being cheap. I knew that really hurt his feelings, and I do think that part of him wishes he proposed earlier since a lot of people said "finally!" instead of "congrats!" when we told them about our engagement. I wouldn't have had it any other way though. I never wanted to get married super young, so getting married at 29 is fine by me :-)

KeptInStitches · January 2014

It's BF's family that dishes it on us usually. I've gone to my default answer being "ask him" and his being bean-dipping. Not probably the most etiquette-approved response, but it does spin them in enough directions that they drop it.

Hummingbird125 · January 2014

I think it depends on the area - I haven't really experienced too much of that, but I'm in NY where it's very common not to be married - or even in a serious relationship - in your 20's.

bethsmiles · January 2014

You know, I don't think BF's family has ever said anything. At least not to me. It feels like it all comes from my side. One of my mom's friends actually bought me a cake-topper last Christmas. Besides that being completely insane, it's also something I would never use.

bethsmiles · January 2014

TwoDimes said:

Sigh, yes it happens to me, too. It does get annoying, but I think it just comes with the territory after you've been with the same SO for several years and you are of "marrying" age. For the most part, the people who say things like this to me are from an older generation. They can't fathom why BF and I wouldn't get married yet when we are already past the age that they themselves got married.

I try to see it as a positive thing: people wouldn't bug me about when I'll marry BF if they didn't like him, right? So at least I know that the people I love approve of BF and would be happy for us to become engaged and married.

The worst time I've dealt with one of these comments, I wasn't even around to deal with it! My well-meaning but very nosy Aunt ran into one of my good friends at the mall, and they recognized one another and chatted for a few minutes. My aunt not only asked my friend, "When are TwoDimes and BF finally getting married?" but she also said, "Well, I'm sure you'll be TwoDimes' bridesmaid, and probably maid of honor!" Uh, what?! I haven't really thought about it since I'm NEY, but I doubt I would even have bridesmaids other than my sister... Thanks a lot, Aunt! Luckily, when my friend told me about the encounter, she was more "Wow, that was presumptuous!" than "Yay, I'm a future-bridesmaid!"

That's good! BF has a friend who has decided she will be in our wedding. I have no idea why she thinks this or why she brought it up to us.

bethsmiles · January 2014

TwoDimes said:

bethsmiles said:

TwoDimes said:

Sigh, yes it happens to me, too. It does get annoying, but I think it just comes with the territory after you've been with the same SO for several years and you are of "marrying" age. For the most part, the people who say things like this to me are from an older generation. They can't fathom why BF and I wouldn't get married yet when we are already past the age that they themselves got married.

I try to see it as a positive thing: people wouldn't bug me about when I'll marry BF if they didn't like him, right? So at least I know that the people I love approve of BF and would be happy for us to become engaged and married.

The worst time I've dealt with one of these comments, I wasn't even around to deal with it! My well-meaning but very nosy Aunt ran into one of my good friends at the mall, and they recognized one another and chatted for a few minutes. My aunt not only asked my friend, "When are TwoDimes and BF finally getting married?" but she also said, "Well, I'm sure you'll be TwoDimes' bridesmaid, and probably maid of honor!" Uh, what?! I haven't really thought about it since I'm NEY, but I doubt I would even have bridesmaids other than my sister... Thanks a lot, Aunt! Luckily, when my friend told me about the encounter, she was more "Wow, that was presumptuous!" than "Yay, I'm a future-bridesmaid!"

That's good! BF has a friend who has decided she will be in our wedding. I have no idea why she thinks this or why she brought it up to us.

Yikes! That could be an interesting conversation when the time comes.

Haha...yeah I think I'm gonna let BF handle that one!

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

I got that a lot before I was engaged and then especially when my younger brother got engaged and married before me.

Funny story: One day my mom ran into a really nosy woman in the grocery store and she was going on and on to Mom about how she couldn't believe I wasn't engaged they and was it because I was too picky and had I gotten snobby by going to college and didn't mom worry I'd be an old maid and afterall, my eggs were getting old and etc.

My mom looked her square in the eye and said, 'Some of us didn't raise daughters to get pregnant at 14, married at 15, and divorced by 19.'

The woman looked stunned, kind of hemmed and hawed for a minute, and walked away. She never brought it up again.

bethsmiles · January 2014

Your mom's response is perfect!

lavenderfields13 · January 2014

I got this A LOT from my family before we just got engaged. It's so annoying. I think some older people just can't understand that in this day and age it's not the norm to be married and have a baby by 20. Times have changed. I also understand you with the "well hasn't it been enough time to know for sure?". Yes it has, I know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and loves me. We don't have to get married right this minute to prove it. about 5 hours after we got engaged my grandmother asked us if we set a date. WHAT? no.

lavenderfields13 · January 2014

I got this A LOT from my family before we just got engaged. It's so annoying. I think some older people just can't understand that in this day and age it's not the norm to be married and have a baby by 20. Times have changed. I also understand you with the "well hasn't it been enough time to know for sure?". Yes it has, I know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and loves me. We don't have to get married right this minute to prove it. about 5 hours after we got engaged my grandmother asked us if we set a date. WHAT? no.

lavenderfields13 · January 2014

and there I go, back to double posting. arggh

phira · January 2014

I actually never got this. Both of our families have experience with people being in longterm relationships before getting engaged or entirely without getting engaged (e.g. my mom, who never wants to be married again). My friends also knew that my partner and I were heading towards engagement and marriage so they didn't ask about it.

Although it kind of makes me wonder if people thought we were moving too fast ...

bethsmiles · January 2014

phira said:

I actually never got this. Both of our families have experience with people being in longterm relationships before getting engaged or entirely without getting engaged (e.g. my mom, who never wants to be married again). My friends also knew that my partner and I were heading towards engagement and marriage so they didn't ask about it.

Although it kind of makes me wonder if people thought we were moving too fast ...

I would think my mom would be more understanding since her and my dad dated for 4 years before getting engaged. But she was super concerned that BF wasn't taking my wants into consideration. It took a lot to convince her that waiting is what we both want.

Everyone knows we are headed toward an engagement and marriage. I think they just don't understand why we are waiting - even though we have very practical/responsible reasons for waiting.

ETA: Most of my friends had very fast moving relationships (meet, date, get engaged, and married all within a year or less) so I think they cannot even fathom waiting 5+ years to get engaged.

Peaseblossom55 · January 2014

I got asked quite a bit because we are older and because we were together 3 1/2 yrs before it happened.

blabla89 · January 2014

The only time I got that was the time I brought my boyfriend to visit. Then again, engagement and marriage aren't big among people my age in my hometown - most of them are too busy popping out babies. And people do ask me about that that.

blabla89 · January 2014

dp

[Deleted User] · January 2014

When I was in my previous relationship I got the question a lot because we were together for a while and he was a lot older than me so I'm guessing people just assumed he would be ready to get engaged. Thank God we didn't!

When I started dating H, I never got the question....maybe only a couple times at most. I think people believed my older would be getting married next so she probably got bothered more than I did. Now that we are married though everyone is like "when are you having babies" blah blah blah and I'm like, "Ask me that again and I will drop kick you."

RWS2011 · January 2014

My experiences with this have been more innocuous. Before B and I were engaged, I was asked a few times by family members when we were getting engaged, but it seemed to come from a place of kindness and wanting to welcome him to the family rather than impatience or nosiness. Also, we were asked this question often by friends. Again, it was in the context of: "We love you guys together!" Rather than: "What's the hold up?" Interestingly, two of the friends that asked us the most had both been in relationships for years longer than we had! Since announcing our engagement, we do have people asking us details about the wedding and making assumptions about being invited. That bothers me more than the questions about getting engaged.

KeptInStitches · January 2014

Wish it was coming from a place of kindness -- I know from BF's family, they've just plain gotten impatient. Not their relationship, not their business.

bethsmiles · January 2014

I think with most of the people who ask, it is coming from a place of kindness. But with some of my friends (not good friends) it's coming from the fact that it's very much the norm in my circle to move very quickly in relationships so they think something must be wrong if we're not.

poegirlsmores · January 2014

<Lurker/Newb here.

I'm 20 years old, and have been with my BF for 3 years now. Even I get those remarks. Not usually in any sort of negative way, but out of curiosity. And it's not always just the "older" generation. My sister, my mom, and my friends have all brought it up. I remember when my best friend got engaged (at 18) and she'd been with her BF for 3 months (I'd been with mine for over a year by then) she started telling him I had to tell my BF to "get on it!" I think it has to do with my family and our general social class being slightly lower (most of us never go to college, so we end up marrying and having kids young). In short, it's not ujst you. It starts surprisingly early for a lot of people.

poegirlsmores · January 2014

<Lurker/Newb here.

I'm 20 years old, and have been with my BF for 3 years now. Even I get those remarks. Not usually in any sort of negative way, but out of curiosity. And it's not always just the "older" generation. My sister, my mom, and my friends have all brought it up. I remember when my best friend got engaged (at 18) and she'd been with her BF for 3 months (I'd been with mine for over a year by then) she started telling him I had to tell my BF to "get on it!" I think it has to do with my family and our general social class being slightly lower (most of us never go to college, so we end up marrying and having kids young). In short, it's not ujst you. It starts surprisingly early for a lot of people.

bethsmiles · January 2014

Yeah. BF and I have been getting these questions since we were 18. It's very much the norm in my circle to get married very young, very quickly.

Pepperally · January 2014

My mom, who is the most harmless, non-pushy person you will meet, is starting to ask where the ring is...what is my BF's problem? However, it's less about the marriage part and more about the having babies part that is making her anxious...and me, too. I'm 38 years old. Time is ticking faster than I'd like as far as my opportunity to have a kid. She knows this and she wants this for me...it's not about what she wants as much as it is knowing that I want it. I think she is starting to think that my older brother and his wife aren't going to have any kids (possibly can't), so I'm the only one left.

Some of my friends occasionally ask what my BF is waiting for. They also say they want to go to a party/wedding. Well, I haven't told most of them but we aren't really having a wedding...just something very intimate with our immediate family. So my friends are out of luck.

lovemyrunner · January 2014

We got it a lot over the holiday season, both from my family and his as well as our friends. We've been together a little over a year now, but we're in our early 30s and almost everyone we know our age is married or at least engaged. Again, it always comes from love and not pushiness in my experience. My last relationship was bad news and drug on forever, so I think my family and friends are just really excited to see me happy (finally) and want me to lock it down. The worst part about it though is that I really want it to happen too, and all these people are ramping up my excitement and anxiety! We talk about it, but I don't know that he's necessarily making plans to propose any time soon. But their questions make the wait even worse!

kaitlynmichelle · January 2014

It happened all the time before we got engaged. Especially leading up to our anniversary! But now the constant questions are when is the wedding, and even when are we having kids. I'm trying to just be patient with all the questions but it can be frustrating.

wink0erin · January 2014

I'm 27 and have been single for over a year and a half, so I usually get the "You're so smart/pretty/cool/etc, why are you still single?" comments. Uh, by choice. Thankyouverymuch. I'm not about to settle for a total loser just so that I can be attached.

Back when I was with exbf (we dated around 3 yrs) we got the "when are you getting engaged?" questions and "blahblah wedding blahblah babies" comments all the time from friends and family. It got pretty annoying and added a lot of pressure. Luckily we broke up. (and within the week I had people telling me I'd find a new man soon enough, like it was something I was concerned about.)

I've gone on dates, and briefly dated a guy this past summer. That all just made me realize how much I treasure my singledom (even though I sometimes get lonely or bummed out).

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