I know, I know....if I have to ask if it is rude, it is rude...but I am not sure on this one.
In May I asked 2 girls to be my bridesmaids in my wedding which will be in May of this year. I have 1 man of honer and then had these two. Both girls happily agreed and we (my honey and I) picked the date of the wedding based on their availability. (I know, this was my first mistake-regardless...please keep reading). Both of these girls are super cool and I love their friendship. I wanted them to be in the wedding so much that I was willing to move the wedding date around to make sure they could both be in attendance. BM 1 had the date we ended up going with as her only open date between May and August (her daughter graduates from high school the following weekend or the weekend after and she is planning to go out for a couple shows--she acts which would fill all of june-august).
BM 1 said, 'oh no...how much planning do we have to do and what about all the parties'... I told them both there was no need for any parties or any other type of thing that would 'put them out' and they both agreed based on no expectations needed from them. They did want to go look at dresses with me though and over the summer (we all work in education and have the summer off) we planned a day to go look at dresses for all of us. BM 1 said she wanted to try on wedding dresses too because she wants to renew her vows with her hubby at some point. We picked a date to dress shop and they both flaked. BM 2 was sick and BM 1 never responded. So I went alone to go find my dress and found the dress by myself--well I guess the sales lady was there. I then started looking at dresses for them and was doing my best to keep the price below $50. They were fine with that price point. I then told them they didn't need to help with any wedding planning or anything as I would take care of all of it. I even said no need to show up to rehearsal/dinner as all I needed for them to do was show up, put on a dress, hold some flowers and walk down the aisle with me. This conversation occurred in June-August. They agreed and were glad to not have all the excess responsibilities.
Fast forward to the day BM 1 gets the 'save the date' card in the mail-mid December. I get an email from her (not a phone call) to let me know that she has thought things over a bit more and she has decided that since she only has one child, and she is graduating from high school and there is a lot of planning that goes into her graduation, that she has decided to decline my offer for her to be a BM. UGH! So, then I grab my phone and text BM 2 to see if she is still planning to be involved...(they both work together). The text response I get from her is that she feels too fat to put her body in a dress and she would prefer to make the wedding cake and come as a guest. I was super devastated and wanted to cancel the whole thing altogether. So then BM 2 got a call from BM 1 who told her what she had just sent to me and then BM 2 quickly sent a text telling me that I had caught her at a bad time and that she will gladly be a BM and that she was caught in a bad spot where she was feeling badly about her body. She said she would go on a diet, etc. I then told her that a cake and her size don't matter to me, I wanted the girls to be there for me...and with little to zero pressure on them. sigh---BM 2 then said she wanted to know if she could get back to me by jan 15 to let me know if she was in or out. I told her no thanks...to just come as a guest and we are all good. BM 1 then sent another email saying she felt bad that she was being flaky and that she didn't' want me to be bummed so she would be in the wedding. In the end I send BM 1 an email saying that I don't want her in the bridal party if she is doing it because she feels badly about letting me down or for pity or any other similar reason. I wanted them there for me as friends...and there were no pressures being put on them. I told her family comes first and that she needs to focus on her daughter.
OK...here is the question. I am still planning on inviting BM 2 because she was cool about saying she was feeling guilty about her weight and she wants to be there as a guest. So---she is still invited. BM 1 is my question.....I don't think I should invite her. But I am not sure if perhaps I should invite her since I sent her the save the date card. I think I should NOT invite BM 1 because the time it would take to attend the wedding is the same amount of time/energy it would take for her to be in the wedding--she would still have the 30 minute drive to and from the wedding...she would maybe have to be there a couple hours early in order to bang out pictures...but I was willing to have her arrive 30 minutes in advance and then knock out the pictures after the wedding. Anyway...the question...do I invite BM 1 or not? Is it super rude for me to not invite even though I sent the save the date card to her?
thanks for any thoughts on this.