Fiance discouraged over wedding industry treatment

Re: Fiance discouraged over wedding industry treatment

• GBCK member

  

  December 2013

  ya know the saying 'someone who is nice to you but a jerk to the waitress is not a nice guy, he's a jerk"?

  
  

  someone who is helpful to you but a jerk to your FI (yes, ignoring him and acting like he's not there is beyond clueless and well into jerky territory) is probably a lousy choice in wedding planners.  Find one who doesn't suck, as step 1.

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• Fairyjen1 member

  

  December 2013

         We are sort of having the same problem. What's making it worse is I'm the one saying "lets go to the county clerks and get married" and he is the one that wants the big ceremony and reception. Personally, I would like to be the one that just shows up in the dress, LOL. 

  
  

        However, the industry doesn't seem to be set up that way. We were looking at our venue the other day and the coordinator was telling us that white linens and chairs are standard. Hey, that's fine with me, as long as we have tables and chairs I'm good, however my fiance asked "can we get colored linens" she answered "Yes! for an extra charge, you can have them in the brides colors". He corrected her that they were OUR colors and she mostly referred to the details as ours after that, but she would slip now and then. She's seems like a good coordinator but it's very obvious that usually it's the bride that dictates the wedding. 

  
  

     I don't know how you can resolved it, other than gently reminding your vendors when you are working with them that there are two of you making the decisions. It's easy for me as we either look at everything together or I make a point of letting who I am dealing with know that I have to check with my FI before making any decisions. 

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• dharmabunny member

  

  December 2013

  GBCK said:

  ya know the saying 'someone who is nice to you but a jerk to the waitress is not a nice guy, he's a jerk"?

  
  

  someone who is helpful to you but a jerk to your FI (yes, ignoring him and acting like he's not there is beyond clueless and well into jerky territory) is probably a lousy choice in wedding planners.  Find one who doesn't suck, as step 1.

  Yeah, I'm leaning towards this. Maybe if you feel the coordinator is more obtuse than rude, just let her know in no uncertain terms that your wedding is a team effort and you insist that your FI be treated as an equal in planning. And that inequity better not happen again.
  
  But if you're not that entrenched with the coordinator, maybe finding someone that "gets it" is the path of lesser resistance.

  

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• orwhatuwill member

  

  December 2013

  
  

  @OP

  Contact each vendor, and tell them that you would like to make sure that they:

  - address you both when you are both present 

  - ask you both questions (in person and/or via email- you may want to set up a separate email account that you both have access to *just* for wedding planning...that way you can both check it and keep track of things).

  -know that he wants to be part of the process. And make sure the ones that he feels especially ignored from know that. They are likely making assumptions based on previous experiences and stereotypes.

  
  

  On your side of things:

  -Don't allow conversations with people to happen where they "act like he isn't even there". Pull him in. When asked questions, stop and ask him what he thinks. Allow him to answer. If need be during the meetings, respectfully request that the vendor speak to him as well.

  -Have continuous planning conversations with him. So you both understand what you want, and the sort of things different vendors may ask at meetings.

  -Let him take the lead at times.

  
  

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• emmyg65 member

  

  December 2013

  Yeah, this is not okay. I wouldn't hire a vendor who treated my fiance like that, mainly because it's sexist and dumb. If you want to keep her, next time you meet, try to "retrain" her. Have your fiance take the lead in the conversations. If she directs a question just to you, ask your fiance and then let him answer. 

  
  

  Or just take the direct route. Next time something like this happens, politely say, "Excuse me, but I notice that you keep talking just to me. FH and I are both getting married and planning this wedding, so can you please talk to both of us?" If they can't handle that, don't hire them.

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  December 2013

  I'm with @GBCK. Anyone who ignored DH in our wedding planning would have gotten ignored by me. The day was about BOTH of us, and I expected that every vendor with met with jointly would discuss things with us jointly -- from the venue co-ordinator to the cake baker to the DJ to the photographer. 

  
  

  We made all of those decisions jointly, and the only time a vendor talked to one of us was when he or she has specific questions -- the photographer asked us each what we wanted in terms of getting ready photos and pre-ceremony photos. 

  
  

  I find the idea that the groom isn't involved to be antiquated and stupid. He's half the relevant part of the wedding party and he's one-third of the necessary people (bride, groom, officiant). If he asked you to marry you, he might actually want to be involved in the wedding planning. 

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  December 2013

  Is there a reason why he can't speak up for himself and ask people to address him as well?

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• RebeccaB88 member

  

  December 2013 edited December 2013

  double post

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  December 2013

  RebeccaB88 said:

  Is there a reason why he can't speak up for himself and ask people to address him as well?

  Yeah it's possible that while he is sulking because no one is addressing him directly he is coming off as uninterested and uninvolved, and thus why the vendors aren't interacting with him. 
  
  If he wants to be involved in the planning during these meetings he should open his mouth and start asking questions, making comments, etc. . . and be involved.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• MearB member

  

  December 2013

  Ummm... actually he does speak during our meetings. It was just that particular wedding planner didn't listen to him. He also didn't like her off handed comments when she gave us wedding expo tickets and she did address him then and said, "Don't worry they have like a pool table and tv for you to watch at the expo." He spoke at the end to the wedding planner and told her that maybe she should address the both people in the room, which is when I noticed that he was pissed. So he's not just sulking in the background and then complaining. It was only then did he express how discouraged he was getting.
  

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• MearB member

  

  December 2013

  I want him to be excited about the wedding as I am and kinda not get discourage if this keeps happening.
  

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  December 2013

  MearB said:

  Ummm... actually he does speak during our meetings. It was just that particular wedding planner didn't listen to him. He also didn't like her off handed comments when she gave us wedding expo tickets and she did address him then and said, "Don't worry they have like a pool table and tv for you to watch at the expo." He spoke at the end to the wedding planner and told her that maybe she should address the both people in the room, which is when I noticed that he was pissed. So he's not just sulking in the background and then complaining. It was only then did he express how discouraged he was getting.
  

  This is not ok.  Her comments are sexist, and I would not be hiring her if she treated my FI like that. It sounds like your FI wants to be involved in the planning, and he doesn't like this planner (which I don't blame him). Don't hire someone your FI doesn't like, it's not fair to him.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  December 2013

  I'm sorry the planner was so rude to you and your FI. Since I wasn't one of those girls that dreamed of her wedding day from a young age I didn't want to do the planning alone so expected now H to come with me to meetings and choose the vendors. He always asked questions and desired input so I liked that. He actually was the one that picked our venue! As soon as we got out of the car he started making notes on the paper he brought and asked the coordinator tons of questions. We picked the place not just because it worked perfectly with what we wanted but because the people there were super excited to work with us.

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• kerbohl member

  

  December 2013

  scribe95 said:

  I didn't notice this in our wedding planning but it sucks. Also reminds me of the opposite for women - how we get treated like little ladies who know nothing when we go to buy a car or get new tires or something like that.

  Yeah, this is so annoying.  I did not plan to ever get married and stayed happily single until FI came along and changed my mind, so wedding planning has not been my forte.  FI, however, is organized and eager - a little too eager most of the time, but my new job is to scale him back to reasonable proportions.  On the flip side, FI is hopeless when it comes to cars, absolutely hopeless.  I know the tricks that garages try and don't take any crap from jerk mechanics who think I don't know my own  vehicle.  I wouldn't buy it if I didn't know how to check my own oil and care for my own vehicle.  People need to get over this sexist (and sometimes racist) tendency to define people in certain restricted categories. 
  

  
  

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• Rebl90 member

  

  December 2013

  While this is an unfortunate trend, it is your right to hire vendors based off of their customer service. and your responsibility to speak up when you aren't receiving good service.  We haven't encountered any difficulties or "sexist" behaviors, my FI is engaging and very direct in his manner of speaking, so he typically will be the one to ask more questions. 

  
  

  I worked in the "wedding industry" as a consultant for a bakery for a few years I and will say that a good 75% of the grooms I encountered would give me blank stares when I asked them questions or even were dismissive and sometimes disrespectful when their bride asked them for their opinions. I've heard, "well my job is just to show up" and "I don't know anything about this kind of thing" and my all-time favorite (not really) "it's not my day, it's hers", etc. However, I also had the good sense to interact with both the bride and groom from the very beginning of each appointment and do my best to keep both happy. Unfortunately though, not everyone operates that way. I think you need to cut these vendors some slack, they are human and this is what they deal with every single day. (I don't miss it!)  In fact, they run the risk of offending a bride if they don't give her enough attention, I've seen it happen. Just speak up when you don't agree with how someone is treating you and move on if it doesn't improve. 

  
  

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• netskyblue2 member

  

  December 2013

  We haven't gotten this at all.  FI is actually more "into" the planning than I am.  He works evenings, and I'd originally scheduled our meeting/interview with the photographers, telling them that FI would most likely be working and unable to come, and they went out of their way to organize a time when he could be there, because they thought it was important that we both be present.
  
  We're DIY-ing a lot, so the photographer, venue, & officiant will be our main "vendors." 
  
  I think it may have a lot to do with his attitude, though.  FI's been the one carrying most of the conversations at our in person meetings, with me chiming in if I happen to think of something.  I've done most of the email correspondence, though.
  

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• MearB member

  

  January 2014

  The funny thing is he wants to join me every time we go to vendors. Which is great. He is more of a people person than I am, so I thought he would get along with people better than I would and could get deals. I got tickets to a wedding expo but he seems to be less interested than before. The wedding planner (which we haven't hired - but the lady my fiance really doesn't like) recommended some cake people and a travel agent. But my fiance is kinda like he doesn't really want to work with them because worried that they might be like the wedding planner. 
  

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• jessiray member

  

  January 2014

  Don't let your wedding planner get your fiancé down! While many of the major decisions my fiancé has left up to me for final say, he's been really involved in the wedding planning, and we've really built the wedding to be OUR day. After all, if you don't have a groom, you don't have a wedding. Our cake people were awesome, and it was my fiancé who ended up choosing the flavors and some of the design for the cake. Also, you can always say no. Go to the people, and if you don't like them, don't work with them. For the cake people, are they a bakery, or like a wedding cake specialist? We went to the bakeries we were thinking about using first to see what their "normal" cakes/cupcakes were like before we called them for a consultation, and it was a good thing we did! One of the vendors had cupcakes that were almost inedible. They were disgusting! The cake people we have now not only have amazing desserts to begin with, but the wedding cake we ate there was the best I've ever had. Good luck!

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• PirateBarbie member

  

  January 2014

  MearB said:

  My fiance talked to me yesterday about how he was getting discouraged over how he is being treated when we start shopping for venues, wedding planners, cakes and etc. He started noticing that people wouldn't address him or talk to him or would just say "bride, bride, bride" and rarely do they say couple or bride and groom. I tried to talk to him and let him know that its kinda rare for a guy to get involved in the whole wedding process. I'm not saying that there are no guys who do care, but there are not a lot of them who do. I even saw on blogs where the girl takes on the reins because she was dreaming of this day and her fiance hardly has any opinion on the deal. So guys seem to be not interested. Also I told him to think of some of these people who have worked in the industry for years, and the couples they have ran into. More and likely they only saw the bride-to-be, her maid of honor and maybe the mother of the bride. And if the guy does show up, he might show very little interest  in the whole event. And let's not ignore the guy talk of: "Just let me know when and where I will show up." That now seems to be in every guys vocab. Usually its not a problem, but I love this one wedding planner and he hates her. Mainly because she totally and i mean totally acted like he wasn't there. I don't want to ignore his feelings. Because in all truth without the guy there is no wedding - same goes if there is no bride. How can i resolve this issue? Anyone ever ran into this issue
  

  you're just as bad as the wedding planners with the whole OP, and your justification of this wedding planner being rude to your FI. why in the world would you want to pay someone for a service if they are a jerk to 50% of their client base?

  
  

  Your FI needs to speak up for himself, and you need to stop pushing him so hard to hire this planner. 

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• MearB member

  

  January 2014

  PirateBarbie. I didn't come here to justify the attitude of this planner to hire her. Maybe next time read the rest of the posts before responding. I do.

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• GBCK member

  

  January 2014

  MearB said:

  PirateBarbie. I didn't come here to justify the attitude of this planner to hire her. Maybe next time read the rest of the posts before responding. I do.

  You mean all the rest of thes posts that said "wow, run far away from this planner--why the fuck are you still considering hiring her"? or are you reading a different thread than all the rest of us are?
  

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• MearB member

  

  January 2014

  Anyway, Like I said before, we didn't hire her. She sent us recommendations just like other planners. But what I'm saying later on is that we can talk to these people that she recommended. That they aren't going to be like the wedding planner that he hates. If they do treat us the same way then we just don't hire them like we didn't hire her. But I think that my fiance could be making a blanket situation for all people she recommends.
  

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