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Snarky Brides

Major vent...

So my fiancé and I are paying almost exclusively for our entire wedding ourselves, and he is going absolutely ballistic and making this day about how little money he can spend rather than having the best day of our lives. Firstly, it bothers me we're having to pay for 99% of it because we're both 21-year old full time students and full time employees and so his family said they would help us out with a lot of it...up until we actually got engaged and they changed their minds. I'm estranged from my family and haven't seen them in years, so them pitching in is out of the question.
Secondly, certain members of the bridal party are already bitching about us not spending enough money on things like venue, alcohol, food, etc. Sorry I'm not buying enough for you to get incredibly trashed and then stuff your face until you throw up on a flower arrangement.
I have had to give up every single one of my dreams for my wedding in every single area and my fiancé still wants me to lower my standards even more. At this point, why even have a wedding if we're going to half-ass it so much? If I'm going to look back and wish it had been different? Sure, I love him enough to get married tomorrow, but I don't think love is a good excuse for giving up your dreams. We could always wait until we have the money for our dream wedding, but he doesn't want to wait. And anytime I try to rearrange the budget (for example, spend less on a dress so I can get a better photographer, or spend less on the honeymoon to spend more on flowers and food) he says I'm being dumb.

Re: Major vent...

  • So my fiancé and I are paying almost exclusively for our entire wedding ourselves, and he is going absolutely ballistic and making this day about how little money he can spend rather than having the best day of our lives. Firstly, it bothers me we're having to pay for 99% of it because we're both 21-year old full time students and full time employees and so his family said they would help us out with a lot of it...up until we actually got engaged and they changed their minds. I'm estranged from my family and haven't seen them in years, so them pitching in is out of the question. Secondly, certain members of the bridal party are already bitching about us not spending enough money on things like venue, alcohol, food, etc. Sorry I'm not buying enough for you to get incredibly trashed and then stuff your face until you throw up on a flower arrangement. I have had to give up every single one of my dreams for my wedding in every single area and my fiancé still wants me to lower my standards even more. At this point, why even have a wedding if we're going to half-ass it so much? If I'm going to look back and wish it had been different? Sure, I love him enough to get married tomorrow, but I don't think love is a good excuse for giving up your dreams. We could always wait until we have the money for our dream wedding, but he doesn't want to wait. And anytime I try to rearrange the budget (for example, spend less on a dress so I can get a better photographer, or spend less on the honeymoon to spend more on flowers and food) he says I'm being dumb.
    Something tells me you're trolling here because there are so many things wrong with what you have posted. 

    Firstly, it is nobody's responsibility or obligation to pay for YOUR wedding except for you and your FI. If you can't afford the wedding of your dreams, then wait. 

    Secondly if you're not willing to "give up your dreams" of a princess fairy tale wedding for love...then you are not ready for marriage because unfortunately marriage is about love and spending your life with someone you love...not the wedding. 

    Thirdly, focus your budget on the reception. Think about what areas are important to you, is important to have a top notch really expensive photographer? There are lots of great photographers out there that are reasonably priced. 

    Do you have a wedding date set? If not, you shouldn't even have a bridal party picked yet. Check out the etiquette boards on how to properly host your guests at a reception. 
    Anniversary
  • Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we shouldn't have to pay for our own wedding. But I also don't think that someone should say they're going to do something that's so significant to another person's life and a month later change their mind. 

    And yes, I am whining, that's the point. With the bridal party (and yes, we do have a date), it's more like, I'm already upset because I'm not getting the intimate yet lavish affair I wanted, so don't make it worse by making complaints I'm already fully aware of.

    And he doesn't want to wait because he says he "loves me too much to wait until we're 30 to have the wedding of our dreams and then kids." My response is that when you get married has no bearing on how much you love a person, and I can love him just as much and wait to get what I want. I think I'm being the responsible adult by wanting to wait and save money for what I want, and he doesn't really care about the details of the wedding because he just wants to get married regardless of what the wedding is like. Obviously, he thinks his opinion is right and I think mine is right. 
  • Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we shouldn't have to pay for our own wedding. But I also don't think that someone should say they're going to do something that's so significant to another person's life and a month later change their mind. 

    And yes, I am whining, that's the point. With the bridal party (and yes, we do have a date), it's more like, I'm already upset because I'm not getting the intimate yet lavish affair I wanted, so don't make it worse by making complaints I'm already fully aware of.

    And he doesn't want to wait because he says he "loves me too much to wait until we're 30 to have the wedding of our dreams and then kids." My response is that when you get married has no bearing on how much you love a person, and I can love him just as much and wait to get what I want. I think I'm being the responsible adult by wanting to wait and save money for what I want, and he doesn't really care about the details of the wedding because he just wants to get married regardless of what the wedding is like. Obviously, he thinks his opinion is right and I think mine is right. 
    Yeah, obviously your FILs were not very nice when they said they would pay and then rescinded the offer.  But as Swazzle said, this is a good lesson to learn early before you are locked into contracts or something and then find out the money isn't coming.

    It sounds like you and Fi just fundamentally disagree.  Obviously, I personally think you should wait, if having a big wedding is that important to you.  You and Fi need to sit down and have a heart to heart about balancing your desire to be married soon against your desire to have a big wedding.  Is there a compromise somewhere in here-- would a 2 or 3 year engagement be enough time to save up for a wedding?  You have to let go of your dreams of a perfect or princess wedding, but I don't think it's too much to hope you are able to properly host your guests with yummy food, an open bar if you desire, and some fun and dancing.  Maybe a couple years is enough to save what you need for a compromise middle-of-the-road wedding.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we shouldn't have to pay for our own wedding. But I also don't think that someone should say they're going to do something that's so significant to another person's life and a month later change their mind. 

    And yes, I am whining, that's the point. With the bridal party (and yes, we do have a date), it's more like, I'm already upset because I'm not getting the intimate yet lavish affair I wanted, so don't make it worse by making complaints I'm already fully aware of.

    And he doesn't want to wait because he says he "loves me too much to wait until we're 30 to have the wedding of our dreams and then kids." My response is that when you get married has no bearing on how much you love a person, and I can love him just as much and wait to get what I want. I think I'm being the responsible adult by wanting to wait and save money for what I want, and he doesn't really care about the details of the wedding because he just wants to get married regardless of what the wedding is like. Obviously, he thinks his opinion is right and I think mine is right. 
    Oh good. A special snowflake. 

    If you want a lavish wedding, then save up for it. There's nothing wrong with waiting a few years. I'm sorry, but you're both 21. You're babies. There's no rush. What's wrong with getting married at 24? 

    You seem more focused on the wedding than the actual marriage. And honestly, that's a recipe for disaster. It's ONE day out of your life. What's more important to you? Having a "lavish affair" or being married to your fiance? 

    It looks like you have two choices - get married now and throw the wedding you can afford. Wait and save up for what you want. 

    Also, you said your bridal party is complaining there's not enough food? Exactly what do you plan on serving? 
  • I get that it sucks that your FILs said they would help pay and then backed out but that's life. There is no point in being upset about it for more than a few moments because you can't do anything about it. Just because you are young and still in school doesn't mean you are entitled to someone else paying for your wedding. Getting married is your choice no one is responsible for paying for it no matter what they may have said before.

    Why exactly does your FI want to get married rightthissecond? How long have you been together? Waiting doesn't mean you need to wait until you are 30. You are very young, there is absolutely no reason to rush getting married. Honestly, given what you've posted here I would wait. Not just so you can save up for the wedding you want but so that you and your FI can learn to communicate better and get on the same page about things. I also suggest per-marital counseling.


  • I can see his points about not waiting several (or more) years to get married. For example, we're both moving across the country in 2015 for our jobs, and it would be nice to have a wedding while we still live near all of our friends and family. We also both want to have a child before we're 25 and would prefer not to do so out of wedlock. 

    And it's not that I'm more focused on the wedding over the marriage. The marriage is important to me, but I also don't see how being married will change our lives terribly much because we have lived together for three years, shared a bank account for three years, shared families for three years, shared responsibilities for three years. I keep telling him nothing is going to change dramatically, but he somehow thinks it will, so he wants to hurry it along. 

    We were planning on dessert and appetizer stations. The reception doesn't start until 9, which I think is fine, but people are upset because of the no alcohol and not a full meal. The wedding itself doesn't start until 7, so I don't see why you couldn't eat a little something before and then just have dessert and appetizers at 9. 

    And yes, we do both agree it's not smart to go into loads of debt. 
  • @hollycarole With those details, your idea for the wedding sounds etiquette-friendly. If anyone bothers you about no alcohol, no meal, etc just say "I'm sorry, we just can't do that with our budget. I hope you will come anyway." Then refuse to say another word. It is none of your friends' business.

    You definitely need to have a conversation with your FI about the real costs of getting and being married. He may be feeling super stressed about the money, but there are ways to do things inexpensively without sacrificing your priorities. Let him know what's important to you (pictures for example) and talk to him about how much it matters to you to get that part right. Then cut in other areas (flowers, fancy napkins) to balance it out.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • I can see his points about not waiting several (or more) years to get married. For example, we're both moving across the country in 2015 for our jobs, and it would be nice to have a wedding while we still live near all of our friends and family. We also both want to have a child before we're 25 and would prefer not to do so out of wedlock. 

    And it's not that I'm more focused on the wedding over the marriage. The marriage is important to me, but I also don't see how being married will change our lives terribly much because we have lived together for three years, shared a bank account for three years, shared families for three years, shared responsibilities for three years. I keep telling him nothing is going to change dramatically, but he somehow thinks it will, so he wants to hurry it along. 

    We were planning on dessert and appetizer stations. The reception doesn't start until 9, which I think is fine, but people are upset because of the no alcohol and not a full meal. The wedding itself doesn't start until 7, so I don't see why you couldn't eat a little something before and then just have dessert and appetizers at 9. 

    And yes, we do both agree it's not smart to go into loads of debt. 
    I am not trying to be mean or negative, but if you and your FI can't plan a wedding and compromise, you may want to wait a little longer to have children. That's a huge responsibility that is with you for life. 
    There's no reason to rush a marriage, you guys are both still young. Three years means nothing when you were just a teenager the first year. 

    Also- for me 7 is still dinner time, so if I have to be at the church or wherever your ceremony is by 6:30, adding in time for getting ready and travel time to the ceremony, I would have to eat dinner super early. I am going to be starving by 9pm. 
    Anniversary
  • How do you know you're moving across the country for these jobs in 2015?  Do you already have a job offer in hand, that you've signed and accepted?  Have you thought about how getting pregnant just a year or so into this job will impact your career?  If you can barely save up for a wedding now, how do you expect to save up enough to buy a house or condo and all the things kids need within years of graduating from college?  Sounds like you haven't really thought out the details here.
  • hollycarole92hollycarole92 member
    First Comment
    edited January 2014
    My fiancé does have his job. I personally am not super concerned about having kids so soon because ultimately I would prefer to be a stay at home mum and work from home, and my field will allow that.
  • Well, I can sort of relate on a few things.  I got engaged young (at 22).  My father offered us 30k for our wedding…and then backed out before I put a deposit down on a venue.  It was devastating.

    If I had to do it over again, I'd either elope, have a TINY DW (like, 20 people or less), or wait and not stress myself out so much.

    Maybe, if you really can't agree on a budget, you should consider one of those options.
  • My fiancé does have his job. I personally am not super concerned about having kids so soon because ultimately I would prefer to be a stay at home mum and work from home, and my field will allow that.

    I'll ditto what PP's have said. When I was 21, I thought I was going to be married and popping out some kids at 25. I'm 33, just got engaged and probably will be popping kids out at 35 instead of 25. Time for a reality check!

    If you want to get married now, make some cuts. I've had to do that so far. FI wanted a nice venue, I wanted a nice photographer so we had to cut on other things. For example, I'm DIYing a lot of stuff, including flowers, centerpieces and ceremony decor. I also 86'ed wedding favors, uplighting and a lot of extra stuff I can't think of right now. Will my guests care? No, because they are being properly hosted and that's what we both cared about!

    If I were you, I'd wait, save my money and have the wedding of your dreams. At the end of the day though, you're marrying your FI and that's the most important part!

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  • With just appetizers and dessert, a 9pm reception start time is completely acceptable.  However, your ceremony starts at 7 - which means people will be there by 6:45 - and they're going to be very very hungry by 9.

     

    Is there a cocktail hour from 8-9 with food, or no?  I assume your ceremony would be over by 8 and then you were planning on an hour for pictures.  What might work better is doing the pictures before the ceremony, the ceremony from 8-9 and then starting the reception (with available food) right at 9.  That way people don't show up for the ceremony until 7:45, which is far enough past dinner time to get away with light fare at the reception.

     

    It is extremely rude for your friends to be demanding alcohol - i'm going to chock that up to them being 21 and in college and still thinking that if there's no binge drinking, it's not a party.  That's awful, i'm sorry you're dealing with that.

  • That's a great idea, thank you! I can definitely see the pro's of starting at 8pm!

    Surprisingly none of the younger crowd has complained about not having a bar, it's all been the handful of heavy drinkers in their late twenties/early thirties that are either in the family or we work with. :/
  • That's a great idea, thank you! I can definitely see the pro's of starting at 8pm! Surprisingly none of the younger crowd has complained about not having a bar, it's all been the handful of heavy drinkers in their late twenties/early thirties that are either in the family or we work with. :/

    Ugh.  Shame on them.  If you actually do want some booze (even just beer and wine) you may be able to find a venue in your area that allows you to bring in your own provisions.  Often times, providing your own bottles of wine and beer winds up being a LOT cheaper than paying for a full open bar or having the caterer provide everything.  Especially if you can buy it all in bulk - there are normally case discounts for wine and good deals at big box stores, etc.  You would just need to pay for a bartender to serve it for you.

     

    Doing your pictures before the ceremony can make your day go a lot smoother (provided that you're ok with your FI seeing you in your dress before the walk down the aisle).  It enables the two of you to have some private time together beforehand (which cuts down on nerves), it enables you to get most of your pictures done when your hair and makeup are fresh (and you haven't started crying yet), and it makes it so that you only have to miss the very bare minimum of your reception in favor of having a photo shoot.

     

    If you're not ok with seeing your FI before hand, you can at least get a majority of your solo pics with your bridal party and family done beforehand, and knock out the pics of your and your FI and your families/joint bridal parties in about 30 minutes afterwards.  It took me a few weeks to convince FI to do pictures before our ceremony (he's very traditional) but we really don't want to skip the whole cocktail hour, so we're going to do it.  I'm so excited about the cocktail hour food, I don't want to miss it all!

  • Besides what others have said, I'm concerned that you're fundamentally disagreeing on budget with your fiance. 
    Does this extend into other areas? Like, you want a $100 quality dress for an occasion and he wants you to spend $20 at H&M. Or, you want to save for more for vacations but he wants to save more for retirement. Fundamentally disagreeing on what's worth spending money on and what's not worth spending money on will be cause for a marriage filled with friction. 
    ________________________________


  • Besides what others have said, I'm concerned that you're fundamentally disagreeing on budget with your fiance. 

    Does this extend into other areas? Like, you want a $100 quality dress for an occasion and he wants you to spend $20 at H&M. Or, you want to save for more for vacations but he wants to save more for retirement. Fundamentally disagreeing on what's worth spending money on and what's not worth spending money on will be cause for a marriage filled with friction. 
    Typically we're very in sync as to what we want to spend our money on, which is part of why this is even more stressful. We both love to travel, so we often save most of our money for that, and he's actually the one who persuaded me to upscale my shopping trips rather than get everything on sale or discounted, because he always preaches quality vs quantity to me.
  • That's a great idea, thank you! I can definitely see the pro's of starting at 8pm! Surprisingly none of the younger crowd has complained about not having a bar, it's all been the handful of heavy drinkers in their late twenties/early thirties that are either in the family or we work with. :/
    Ignore them.  We are having dry wedding (we chose a venue that does not allow alcohol) and a few friends have whined about it and I don't care at all (none of them are married and we later told them how much it would cost, and that shut them up pretty quick).  Alcohol is a bonus, not a requirement for properly hosting.  Just make sure to have the appropriate amount of food for whichever time of day you choose. 
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  • I eat supper between 5 and 5:30, so personally a 7 pm wedding would not factor in a "supper time" period for me, but I might be in the minority.  So I don't think your friends should be complaining about food, and they DEFINITELY shouldn't be complaining about alcohol.  But get on the same page as your FI, and be very direct  about the budget.  It's odd that he seems to be the spender in other things, but for the wedding he has a tight grip on how you spend the money. 

  • I wanted to get married when I was in my early 20s but that didn't happen I didn't meet the right one until my late 20s and now I'm getting married at 30 but I'm super happy because I have drastically matured sense then, my careers established and I'm marrying the right person (most important) because I've waited I can have my dream wedding. But honestly "my dream wedding" is a lot simpler because I've prioritized what's important and id rather save for other life things but my weddings going to be awesome!
  • hollycarole92 said:
    That's a great idea, thank you! I can definitely see the pro's of starting at 8pm! Surprisingly none of the younger crowd has complained about not having a bar, it's all been the handful of heavy drinkers in their late twenties/early thirties that are either in the family or we work with. :/
    Ahh! You're making me feel old! I'm in my late twenties and still feel like I'm in the "younger crowd".
  • delujm0 said:

    With just appetizers and dessert, a 9pm reception start time is completely acceptable.  However, your ceremony starts at 7 - which means people will be there by 6:45 - and they're going to be very very hungry by 9.

     

    Is there a cocktail hour from 8-9 with food, or no?  I assume your ceremony would be over by 8 and then you were planning on an hour for pictures.  What might work better is doing the pictures before the ceremony, the ceremony from 8-9 and then starting the reception (with available food) right at 9.  That way people don't show up for the ceremony until 7:45, which is far enough past dinner time to get away with light fare at the reception.

     

    It is extremely rude for your friends to be demanding alcohol - i'm going to chock that up to them being 21 and in college and still thinking that if there's no binge drinking, it's not a party.  That's awful, i'm sorry you're dealing with that.

    This.  7 pm is still dinner time so you would need to serve a meal.  If you push back your ceremony to 8 pm you're fine doing dessert and appetizers.



  • hollycarole92 said:
    That's a great idea, thank you! I can definitely see the pro's of starting at 8pm! Surprisingly none of the younger crowd has complained about not having a bar, it's all been the handful of heavy drinkers in their late twenties/early thirties that are either in the family or we work with. :/
    Ahh! You're making me feel old! I'm in my late twenties and still feel like I'm in the "younger crowd".
    Lol.... I'm 43 and feel the same way! Wait til you look in the mirror someday and your MOTHER looks back!
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