In a serious bind!

Re: In a serious bind!

• breehollister member

  

  January 2014

  In order to better understand your concerns, I think it would be helpful to know why exactly you know you won't be happy if you cave and make her a bridesmaid. I understand why you might not want to have her as a bridesmaid. However, I think unfortunately it is not uncommon to have that one bridesmaid that is a fringe friend, family member the bride doesn't know well, etc. (For example, my family politics dictated that I ask my brother's awful wife to be a bridesmaid. I have asked nothing of her other than to show up the day of, and she's fine with it). Maybe it would be worth it to ask yourself what the worst is that could happen as a result of her being a bridesmaid. You don't have to ask anything of her in the days and weeks leading up to your wedding, and there will be so many people showering with you with love and support at your wedding, her negativity may not affect you as much as you worry it might. Who knows, maybe she will follow the lead of the rest of your wedding party and be exactly what you need her to be. Likewise, be the best MoH you can for her, modeling enthusiasm and support. Maybe if she sees how you are towards her, she will be able to get a better understanding of how she needs to be for you. She must have some sort of redeeming qualities for you to have been friends with her for so long. Consider what those qualities are and if she is someone worth hanging on to. When she says something negative, try laughing off her comment as if it were a joke and then ask her what she really thinks. That gives her a chance to gracefully reconsider her comment.

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• doeydo member

  

  January 2014

  carmellahaha said:

  I have a 'friend' who I have known for almost 20 years, but I've never felt that close to her. Ever since we were 9 years old, she's been very negative, very cynical, and as I've gotten older I realize when I'm around her, I just don't feel happy. I have always assumed she would be in my wedding based on how long I've known her, but as I now am planning it, I feel like I don't want her there at all. She hasn't asked me details about my engagement, she doesn't console me when I'm freaking out, she doesn't offer advice or do anything a typical bridesmaid/MOH would do, so why would i want her standing next to me on what's supposed to be the happiest day of my life? She assumes she will be my maid of honor, even though I've never said she would be. It makes it awkward when she asks about dates and whatnot because I just don't have an answer for her. You're probably thinking "just dump her!" but unfortunately i don't see this as an easy fix. You see, she is also engaged and as i went to look at dresses with her, for her, the assistant asked who her maid of honor was and she pointed at me. Didn't ask me. She didn't even LOOK at me. So now I'm the MOH in her wedding and i have to figure out how to tell her she's not even a bridesmaid in mine! I know this is all my fault and I've dug myself pretty deep by not being upfront with my feelings all of these years, so I'm also dealing with feelings of guilt. I guess i just need advice on what to do. I don't want to cave and make her a bridesmaid because in the end i wont be happy. And unfortunately there's nothing for her to do wedding-wise to distract her from not being in the wedding. And since she's so negative, we never talk about our feelings, especially towards each other, so I'm dreading the idea of telling her in person. I may have a panic attack. Help!

  You don't have to tell her that she isn't a BM or MOH, that would hurt her feelings and be rude.  If she brings it up or asks if she is (which would be rude, BTW, no one should ever assume they would be a BM or put you on the spot like that) then maybe you can say something like "I haven't really thought who I am having in my wedding party yet" then change the subject.  However, since you feel that this woman has never been a true friend to you and that your friendship is doing more harm than good in your life, I really think you should cut the cord with her.  That would involve backing out of her wedding or waiting until afterwards.

  
  

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• carmellahaha member

  

  January 2014

  I was planning on slowly phasing her out of my life until she dropped the MOH bombshell on me so now I just feel stuck. I'm absolutely there for her wedding wise because that's what I would want from my MOH. It will be hard to avoid the topic of my wedding party but I plan on trying. It's going to get to a point though where I have to tell her, "So and so is in my wedding and here's my excuse why." I'll feel like I have to explain myself-- especially considering I'm the MOH in her wedding. I could cave but I don't see how I could not expect her to want to participate in everything the other girls are doing. Somehow I think that may be worse, like she's included but I'm still 100% leaving her out. I think it'd just be more of a hassle than not.

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• artbyallie mod

  

  January 2014

  You don't have to be the MOH in her wedding, though. She never even asked you. Simply tell her you are not able to be in her wedding and be done with it.

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2014

  Tell her you can't be her MOH. She never even formally asked you. And then don't discuss anything further about your wedding with her. 

  
  

  And just a word of advice: I made the mistake of keeping "friends" around because I'd known them for so long. But in actuality, they weren't good friends. These were people that caused drama and cared only about themselves. I made excuses for these friends all the time - "But we've been friends since Kindergarten!" "She's been going through rough times!" The older I got, the more I realized that I didn't want people like that in my life. Friendships should be quality, not quantity. 

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• Emmy1493 member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  Tell her you can't be her MOH. She never even formally asked you. And then don't discuss anything further about your wedding with her. 

  
  

  And just a word of advice: I made the mistake of keeping "friends" around because I'd known them for so long. But in actuality, they weren't good friends. These were people that caused drama and cared only about themselves. I made excuses for these friends all the time - "But we've been friends since Kindergarten!" "She's been going through rough times!" The older I got, the more I realized that I didn't want people like that in my life. Friendships should be quality, not quantity. 

  This exactly. Also, You did not agree to be her MOH. She should have asked, not assumed. That's her fault. If you don't want to partake, be honest. You will find yourself spending $$ for a wedding you don't want to be in, and not to mention the stress you will feel etc.

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2014

  I think you should tell this "friend" that you can't be her MOH.  You should call her or do it in person.  Try this: "Friend, while dres shopping with you.  You indicated that I was your MOH, you never asked me and if you had I would have told you that I would have been unable to be your MOH.  I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I just cannot be in your WP due to my own upcoming wedding.  I also feel like I can't dedicate enough time to your wedding to fulfill my duties as MOH."

  Now, I know I just used the "duties of MOH" line, but you need to realize now that all anyone in the WP needs to do is get their attire and show up at the wedding sober, smiling for pictures.  You have indicated in your posts that you expect your MOH to be a planning buddy and someone who can support you during wedding planning.  Those "duties" should be your FI's duties.  You are marrying him.  Also, any pre-wedding parties are optional and anyone can throw them for you.  Also, if friends want to help with DIY projects, they can offer their help.  Just don't expect people to help you.

  

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• AddieCake member

  

  January 2014

  This is very weird to me.  It sounds like you don't even like this woman, and yet she considers you her best friend? I would decline being her MOH and definitely don't ask her to be in your WP. 

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• carmellahaha member

  

  January 2014

  Thanks for the advice ladies. She has been engaged longer than me and I've already purchased the dress for her wedding, so unfortunately I don't think I'm in a place to tell her now that I'm engaged I can no longer be in hers. I don't mind backing out and losing the money for it but seeing as I'm her only friend (because of her attitude and overall negative personality) I'm all she has and I just don't have the heart to crush her like that. Based on the advice given I think I will wait to tell her until she asks me. Once she does, I'll inform her that the people who are in it, are in it because they have been there for me and the groom throughout the length of our relationship. People that are special to both of us rather than just me. I know this will hurt her, she won't understand and she'll make me feel terrible, but at the end of the day having her involved will bring me down. I know it's rude to tell her she's not in it without her asking but how long do I go without giving her the reality check she's not in it? How long do I let her keep talking like she'll be in it? It hurts me everytime and I just feel so guilty.

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  January 2014

  carmellahaha said:

  Thanks for the advice ladies. She has been engaged longer than me and I've already purchased the dress for her wedding, so unfortunately I don't think I'm in a place to tell her now that I'm engaged I can no longer be in hers. I don't mind backing out and losing the money for it but seeing as I'm her only friend (because of her attitude and overall negative personality) I'm all she has and I just don't have the heart to crush her like that. Based on the advice given I think I will wait to tell her until she asks me. Once she does, I'll inform her that the people who are in it, are in it because they have been there for me and the groom throughout the length of our relationship. People that are special to both of us rather than just me. I know this will hurt her, she won't understand and she'll make me feel terrible, but at the end of the day having her involved will bring me down. I know it's rude to tell her she's not in it without her asking but how long do I go without giving her the reality check she's not in it? How long do I let her keep talking like she'll be in it? It hurts me everytime and I just feel so guilty.

  Wait, she has already been telling others she's a BM and you haven't corrected her?  What exactly were those conversations like? 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2014

  carmellahaha said:

  Thanks for the advice ladies. She has been engaged longer than me and I've already purchased the dress for her wedding, so unfortunately I don't think I'm in a place to tell her now that I'm engaged I can no longer be in hers. I don't mind backing out and losing the money for it but seeing as I'm her only friend (because of her attitude and overall negative personality) I'm all she has and I just don't have the heart to crush her like that. Based on the advice given I think I will wait to tell her until she asks me. Once she does, I'll inform her that the people who are in it, are in it because they have been there for me and the groom throughout the length of our relationship. People that are special to both of us rather than just me. I know this will hurt her, she won't understand and she'll make me feel terrible, but at the end of the day having her involved will bring me down. I know it's rude to tell her she's not in it without her asking but how long do I go without giving her the reality check she's not in it? How long do I let her keep talking like she'll be in it? It hurts me everytime and I just feel so guilty.

  Meh I wouldn't offer any explanations or justifications for your decision.  Just apologize for the misunderstanding and then change the subject immediately.  Then bean dip the hell out of her every time she tries to revisit the issue.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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