Ceremony Seating

Re: Ceremony Seating

• Inkdancer member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  The bride's mother does not traditionally walk her down the aisle. Just say that to your mom.
  
  As for seating, both mothers and grandmothers are traditionally seated in the front row. Could you put her there next to your grandmother? Then they would be matching tradition, and your mother wouldn't be able to pitch a fit. You could still do something special with your grandmother (lighting a candle, a reading, etc.) to honor her role in your life.
  
  ETA: Whether or not your mom is paying doesn't really matter here. Don't indicate to her that it does.
  

  

  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  January 2014

  P.S. Try to avoid using your real name on the boards. There are some crazies on the internet.
  

  

  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  January 2014

  Can you compromise and let her sit in the front row next to your grandparents? Or maybe getting her a corsage would make her feel special enough to back down?
  
  You really just need to stand your ground on this. Make it clear to your mother that she will not be walking you down the aisle but that you're looking forward to her being a guest and sharing the day with you.
  

  
  

  
  

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• s-aries8990 member

  

  January 2014

  Inkdancer said:

  The bride's mother does not traditionally walk her down the aisle. Just say that to your mom.
  
  As for seating, both mothers and grandmothers are traditionally seated in the front row. Could you put her there next to your grandmother? Then they would be matching tradition, and your mother wouldn't be able to pitch a fit. You could still do something special with your grandmother (lighting a candle, a reading, etc.) to honor her role in your life.
  

  
  All of this. Just because you push out a baby doesn't entitle you to get your way. Just like being a sperm donor doesn't entitle you to get your way.
  
  I'd still have your mom sit in the front row if you can. I love Inkdancer's ideas for grandma
  

   

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• misssunshine17 member

  

  January 2014

  1) Your wedding will not be perfect. I'm sorry, but you should probably be a bit more realistic. Your wedding will be perfect because you're marrying someone you love, but it will definitely have bumps the day of. 

  2) I would put your mother on the outside of the pew/row and have your grandparents sit on the inside. So she'll be in the front row, but not in the 'prime' seating.

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• cowgirl8238 member

  

  January 2014

  I would give your mom the honor of the front row (assuming there is more then the two chairs for your grandparents).  To me that isn't a hill to die on.  I would also consider getting her a crosage or something that indicates MOB.  I understand that you aren't that close, but she is your mother and she probably just wants to be a part of her daughters wedding day. 

  Beyond that she has no right to demand walking you down the aisle or anything else.  I would just stand your ground on those issues.  Ultamitly it is your day and if you want grandpa to walk you down the aisle then he will.  If you want grandma to have the seat next to him to honor her too, then do such.  We will be giving both of our grandma's crosages along with our mothers to honor them. 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  Don't try for perfection.
  
  But in order to keep peace between you and your mother, I wouldn't use your wedding to "get back at her" for what she did or didn't do for you as a mother. @Inkdancer and @misssunshine17 have some good ideas about what you can do for her that gives her a place of honor if not the biggest ones.
  

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• phira member

  

  January 2014

  You need to lose the whole, "I want my wedding day to be perfect" attitude. I promise, doing so will relieve SO MUCH STRESS and make your actual wedding day (and the planning preceding it) so much better. Your wedding will not be perfect, and that's great.

  
  

  The issue here is that when you have a wedding, some people feel entitled to ... stuff, in general. It's not always coming from a bad place. Often, we find ourselves performing an incredible balancing act, trying to keep everyone as happy as possible while also staying true to ourselves and our partners.

  
  

  In your case, there are other options besides your mother sitting in the "traditional" mother of the bride spot, and her sitting in the second row. A lot of parents see the second row as an insult, so I'm not really surprised she was upset (it was considered a HUGE olive branch when my dad offered to take the second row at my brother's wedding so my mom could sit in the first row).

  
  

  One option is to have your grandparents sit in the first two seats in the front row (closest to the aisle), since they are paying for the wedding and (more importantly) you feel that your relationship with them is one that puts them in those seats. Then have your mother sit next to your grandmother. As previous posters have mentioned, you can also have a corsage for her to wear.

  
  

  As for walking you down the aisle, I believe that who walks down with you is an INTENSELY personal decision. There is room for compromise sometimes; I originally wanted to walk down the aisle alone, but my mom really wants to walk me down. I wanted to walk down alone because I don't want to feel "given away." However, my partner has decided to ask his parents to walk him down the aisle right before me, so now it feels more like, "This is where I come from," and less "transfer of property."

  
  

  In your case, you feel very strongly about having your grandfather walk you down the aisle, and the only reason to let your mom do it (too) would be because she's throwing a shit fit over it. Shit fit is not a good enough reason. Tell her that you only want to be walked down by your grandfather, and then let her be angry about it. It's her own problem.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• KH41711 member

  

  January 2014

  I meant perfection as in my mom not causing a scene. I know all weddings have bumps the day of. Perfection in my eyes is everyone in my family getting along, didnt mean to sound snobby or something. I let her know that she can sit in the front row but she hasnt gotten back to me yet. I wanted to walk down the aisle alone as well, because my dad had passed, I felt like he would be there walking with me spiritually. 

  
  

  Thanks to everyone for the advice. Just hope my mom will listen. 

  
  

  As for lighting a candle, do I do that during the ceremony or at the reception?

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• delujm0 member

  

  January 2014

  If your mom causes a scene on yor wedding day, it will reflect poorly on her, not you.  Unfortunately you can't control someone else's actions.

   

  If you have a wedding planner or venue coordinator that can be on the lookout and escort your mother off the premesis should she make a scene, I would advise them of that possibility.  If it happens, and they've planned for it, you might not even notice it.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  KH41711 said:

  I meant perfection as in my mom not causing a scene. I know all weddings have bumps the day of. Perfection in my eyes is everyone in my family getting along, didnt mean to sound snobby or something. I let her know that she can sit in the front row but she hasnt gotten back to me yet. I wanted to walk down the aisle alone as well, because my dad had passed, I felt like he would be there walking with me spiritually. 

  
  

  Thanks to everyone for the advice. Just hope my mom will listen. 

  
  

  As for lighting a candle, do I do that during the ceremony or at the reception?

  I think you should save this for in private.  For any other guests who were close to your dad, it could evoke more grief and loss; for guests who did not know him or were not close to him, it adds a note of the macabre to what should be a happy occasion.
  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  January 2014

  Jen4948 said:

  KH41711 said:

  I meant perfection as in my mom not causing a scene. I know all weddings have bumps the day of. Perfection in my eyes is everyone in my family getting along, didnt mean to sound snobby or something. I let her know that she can sit in the front row but she hasnt gotten back to me yet. I wanted to walk down the aisle alone as well, because my dad had passed, I felt like he would be there walking with me spiritually. 

  
  

  Thanks to everyone for the advice. Just hope my mom will listen. 

  
  

  As for lighting a candle, do I do that during the ceremony or at the reception?

  I think you should save this for in private.  For any other guests who were close to your dad, it could evoke more grief and loss; for guests who did not know him or were not close to him, it adds a note of the macabre to what should be a happy occasion.
  

  I assumed she meant the candle that was suggested earlier, as something to honor her (still living) grandmother.
  
  If so, it depends. If you and your FI are doing a unity candle sort of thing, you could have your grandmother light yours and give it to you, and have your FI's parents or grandparents light his and give it to him... sort of a symbol of passing down the generations to unite your two families. That could be incorporated into the ceremony.
  

  

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  Inkdancer said:

  Jen4948 said:

  KH41711 said:

  I meant perfection as in my mom not causing a scene. I know all weddings have bumps the day of. Perfection in my eyes is everyone in my family getting along, didnt mean to sound snobby or something. I let her know that she can sit in the front row but she hasnt gotten back to me yet. I wanted to walk down the aisle alone as well, because my dad had passed, I felt like he would be there walking with me spiritually. 

  
  

  Thanks to everyone for the advice. Just hope my mom will listen. 

  
  

  As for lighting a candle, do I do that during the ceremony or at the reception?

  I think you should save this for in private.  For any other guests who were close to your dad, it could evoke more grief and loss; for guests who did not know him or were not close to him, it adds a note of the macabre to what should be a happy occasion.
  

  I assumed she meant the candle that was suggested earlier, as something to honor her (still living) grandmother.
  
  If so, it depends. If you and your FI are doing a unity candle sort of thing, you could have your grandmother light yours and give it to you, and have your FI's parents or grandparents light his and give it to him... sort of a symbol of passing down the generations to unite your two families. That could be incorporated into the ceremony.
  

  Ah.  Well, in that instance, the bolded makes sense.
  

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