Asking for money not gifts

bellabeth9 · January 2014

Hi, my fiance and I want to receive money instead of and actual gift. The money will goes towards our honeymoon. What is the best way to inform guest of this without sounding rude or greedy? I've heard of the "honeyfund" and thought that might be good but its an online thing I'm a little skeptical. Has anyone tried that or have any ideas?

doeydo · January 2014

Just don't register or have a small registry. If people ask you what they should get you, then you can say "Oh, we don't need much, but we are saving for our honeymoon".

aurianna · January 2014

If you do not register and decline showers, most guests will realize you want money.
And many guests will be aware you're from out of town and would not bring gifts to the wedding.

There will always be a few people though who won't give cash, whether you tell them that's what you want (which you shouldn't) or not. If a few people bring physical gifts to the wedding, just be grateful and remember that the cost of shipping them is still likely much less than the cost of buying them outright.

It will be fine. Everyone knows people like money. No need to spell it out anywhere.

phira · January 2014

Don't register and decline a shower. You will still receive physical gifts, and you might get stuff you didn't want/need, or duplicates of some gifts. But you will almost certainly get mostly checks.

Don't tell people, "We'd rather have money." Just tell people, "We're not having a registry," or, "We're not having a shower," and if they asked why, say something like, "We already have so many things, and just your presence at the wedding is enough!"

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Theresabeth said:

Hi, my fiance and I want to receive money instead of and actual gift. The money will goes towards our honeymoon. What is the best way to inform guest of this without sounding rude or greedy? I've heard of the "honeyfund" and thought that might be good but its an online thing I'm a little skeptical. Has anyone tried that or have any ideas?

NO. Don't do this. Ever. It is the #1 most rude thing you can do.

If you want cash, just don't register for any physical gifts (this also means forgoing the bridal shower). When people ask what you want, just be vague. Everybody knows money is a good gift. You'll get money anyway without asking for it.

ETA: Honeyfunds are also not really a good idea. They take a percentage of the money off the top, so your guest who thinks they're giving you $100 is really giving you like $95. But it's also deceptive, because if Grandma buys you a "swim with the dolphins" package, she thinks she's buying you actual tickets or something to swim with dolphins. However, you're going to get 95% of her money just as cash. So if you don't then go swim with the dolphins, Granda was misled about what she was really getting you. And there's no way you'll actually do every single one of those little activities Honeyfund puts on there.

Cookie Pusher · January 2014

It's rude to ask your guests to give you money, even it is through something like Honeyfund.

NYCMercedes · January 2014

Duh! Money is a gift! Your guests know that people universally like money. Btw, guests don't even have to give you a gift so you wouldn't bring it up anyway.

bellabeth9 · January 2014

Yes I know money is a gift. We live in another state away from everyone and are coming home for the wedding. To ship everything back with us us would cost way too much money.

misssunshine17 · January 2014

There is no way to do this without being rude or greedy= don't do it. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

misshart00 · January 2014

Just put "money only" in big bold font at the top of your invitation. That should make it clear.

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Theresabeth said:

Yes I know money is a gift. We live in another state away from everyone and are coming home for the wedding. To ship everything back with us us would cost way too much money.

I really hate this excuse for asking for money. First off, your friends and family know you are coming from OOS and they will probably either send a boxed gift to your house or send you cash/check/gift card because they know you are traveling. OR-- register at Bed Bath and Beyond, return everything at your wedding location, and buy it back at home. They have a great return policy. (Some say this is tacky, but I don't see anything wrong with it. And I used to work at BBB, I wouldn't care about processing your return. It's better than stocking shelves.) OR-- register and set it up so things are shipped to your home. Technically it's rude to bring a boxed gift to the actual wedding anyway. Gifts should be sent to the couple at home.

But here's my real problem with this: do you see how entitled and ungrateful that sounds? People are giving you gifts. They are GIVING you GIFTS. Pay the fucking shipping.

bellabeth9 · January 2014

Wow you're pretty rude yourself.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Theresabeth said:

Hi, my fiance and I want to receive money instead of and actual gift. The money will goes towards our honeymoon. What is the best way to inform guest of this without sounding rude or greedy? I've heard of the "honeyfund" and thought that might be good but its an online thing I'm a little skeptical. Has anyone tried that or have any ideas?

There is no way to do this that doesn't sound rude or greedy.

If you don't want physical gifts, don't register and decline any offers of showers.

bellabeth9 · January 2014

Thank you all for your answers. My fiance and I have found our answer.

Thanks again

JCbride2015 · January 2014

Theresabeth said:

Wow you're pretty rude yourself.

@Theresabeth Who are you talking to? I see no rude comments on this thread.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

Theresabeth said:

Thank you all for your answers. My fiance and I have found our answer.

Thanks again

AKA we didn't get the validation we sought here, but we found validation on WB or WW. . .

KickAssMOH · January 2014

The more and more I see this this question asked, the more angry and frustrated I get about it. Don't poeple know that EVERYONE prefers cash over gifts? If someone directed me to give them cash or contribute to their "fund" instead of a gift, I'd make a donation to a charity in their name and call it a day.

Tami87 · January 2014

Theresabeth said:

Yes I know money is a gift. We live in another state away from everyone and are coming home for the wedding. To ship everything back with us us would cost way too much money.

We also traveled to DH's hometown for the wedding (a plane trip away). We still received a very generous amount of cash or checks without indicating to anyone that we wanted money. The majority of those who bought something from our registry had it shipped to our home. For the few gifts that were brought to the reception we brought an extra suitcase and checked what we could. Everything else we were able to take back to the store. Macy's was very accommodating and shipped all the exact same items to our house from our local store. Target just gave us a gift card for the amount of the returned items and we bought them again at home.

The best way to indicate you would like cash is to have a small registry or no registry and when asked it is okay to say we are saving up for XXX. As previously mentioned honeymoon funds are a really bad idea. Not only are they rude and deceptive, but they also take a cut of your wedding gifts.

lyndausvi · January 2014

Tami87 said:

Theresabeth said:

Yes I know money is a gift. We live in another state away from everyone and are coming home for the wedding. To ship everything back with us us would cost way too much money.

We also traveled to DH's hometown for the wedding (a plane trip away). We still received a very generous amount of cash or checks without indicating to anyone that we wanted money. The majority of those who bought something from our registry had it shipped to our home. For the few gifts that were brought to the reception we brought an extra suitcase and checked what we could. Everything else we were able to take back to the store. Macy's was very accommodating and shipped all the exact same items to our house from our local store. Target just gave us a gift card for the amount of the returned items and we bought them again at home.

The best way to indicate you would like cash is to have a small registry or no registry and when asked it is okay to say we are saving up for XXX. As previously mentioned honeymoon funds are a really bad idea. Not only are they rude and deceptive, but they also take a cut of your wedding gifts.

We lived on a small island and had the wedding in the states. We never mentioned wanting cash. My shower was in the states. I got boxed gifts which I either shipped home or returned to have the store ship direct to me. For the wedding we mostly got cash, but the few gifts we did get we shipped home or the guest sent it to our house.

5+ years later I still look at vase and think of the guest who gave it to me. One guests made a picture out of marine flags of our last name (I have a captain's license). It's the first thing DH hangs up in our new place. I have other beautiful thoughtful gifts people gave them and think of those guests often when I see/use whatever they gave us. I can honestly say I've never looked anything bought with the cash in the same way. Honestly besides a drum we got in SA during the honeymoon I can't really remember what we did with the cash. It just got thrown in a pot with our savings.

These people took the time to give me a GIFT. I can't imagine being all "damn now I have to shipped it back, what an inconvenience". Nope. You accept the gift, send a thank you note and then figure out how to get it back home. That is the price you pay for having a wedding OOT. Sorry, get over it.

I'm not a shower fan in general, hell no would I go to a "BRING A WADE OF CASH" shower. Nope, not happening.

pinkcow13 · January 2014

Hmm I actually didn't know you should decline any shower if you want cash as a gift, but thinking about it, that makes perfect sense. And makes me happy - I hate showers, and I didn't want to have to register for a bunch of shower gifts, if anyone planned on throwing me one that is lol. I think we'll create a small registry for anyone that wants to get us physical gifts, and leave it at that.

Edit:Punctuation

lyndausvi · January 2014

pinkcow13 said:

Hmm I actually didn't know you should decline any shower if you want cash as a gift, but thinking about it, that makes perfect sense. And makes me happy - I hate showers, and I didn't want to have to register for a bunch of shower gifts, if anyone planned on throwing me one that is lol. I think we'll create a small registry for anyone that wants to get us physical gifts, and leave it at that.

Edit:Punctuation

In my opinion, so take it for what's it's worth, but a shower is to "shower the bride/couple" with gifts to start off their life together. If you don't need or want gifts, why have a shower? Having a shower to give cash is just wrong to me. If someone wants to give cash at a shower, then that's up to them, but to be told is completely different to me.

In both DH and my social circles cash is mostly given as a wedding gift. So it's physical gifts for showers, cash for the wedding. Nice balance if you ask me.

photokitty · January 2014

lyndausvi said:

pinkcow13 said:

Hmm I actually didn't know you should decline any shower if you want cash as a gift, but thinking about it, that makes perfect sense. And makes me happy - I hate showers, and I didn't want to have to register for a bunch of shower gifts, if anyone planned on throwing me one that is lol. I think we'll create a small registry for anyone that wants to get us physical gifts, and leave it at that.

Edit:Punctuation

In my opinion, so take it for what's it's worth, but a shower is to "shower the bride/couple" with gifts to start off their life together. If you don't need or want gifts, why have a shower? Having a shower to give cash is just wrong to me. If someone wants to give cash at a shower, then that's up to them, but to be told is completely different to me.

In both DH and my social circles cash is mostly given as a wedding gift. So it's physical gifts for showers, cash for the wedding. Nice balance if you ask me.

True, but people can select boxed gifts without a registry. To request cash or gift cards in lieu of boxed gifts is rude. But to have a shower without a registry and allow guests to select any gift they want to give is still ok etiquette wise.

That said…Personally, I would side eye a shower without a registry and definitely give a boxed gift - without a receipt probably.

pinkcow13 · January 2014

Yea, we def will not be requesting cash in lieu of gifts. Or gift cards/honeyfund, etc. I think I will probably just decline having a shower, if anyone offers to throw me one. I don't like having to sit in front of people opening my gifts, and I personally don't even have a desire for one.

lyndausvi · January 2014

photokitty said:

lyndausvi said:

pinkcow13 said:

Hmm I actually didn't know you should decline any shower if you want cash as a gift, but thinking about it, that makes perfect sense. And makes me happy - I hate showers, and I didn't want to have to register for a bunch of shower gifts, if anyone planned on throwing me one that is lol. I think we'll create a small registry for anyone that wants to get us physical gifts, and leave it at that.

Edit:Punctuation

In my opinion, so take it for what's it's worth, but a shower is to "shower the bride/couple" with gifts to start off their life together. If you don't need or want gifts, why have a shower? Having a shower to give cash is just wrong to me. If someone wants to give cash at a shower, then that's up to them, but to be told is completely different to me.

In both DH and my social circles cash is mostly given as a wedding gift. So it's physical gifts for showers, cash for the wedding. Nice balance if you ask me.

True, but people can select boxed gifts without a registry. To request cash or gift cards in lieu of boxed gifts is rude. But to have a shower without a registry and allow guests to select any gift they want to give is still ok etiquette wise.

That said…Personally, I would side eye a shower without a registry and definitely give a boxed gift - without a receipt probably.

Where did I mention anything regarding a registry? I just said if you don't need or want gifts don't have a shower. Registries are only a guide not a must have in order to have a shower.

photokitty · January 2014

lyndausvi said:

photokitty said:

lyndausvi said:

pinkcow13 said:

Hmm I actually didn't know you should decline any shower if you want cash as a gift, but thinking about it, that makes perfect sense. And makes me happy - I hate showers, and I didn't want to have to register for a bunch of shower gifts, if anyone planned on throwing me one that is lol. I think we'll create a small registry for anyone that wants to get us physical gifts, and leave it at that.

Edit:Punctuation

In my opinion, so take it for what's it's worth, but a shower is to "shower the bride/couple" with gifts to start off their life together. If you don't need or want gifts, why have a shower? Having a shower to give cash is just wrong to me. If someone wants to give cash at a shower, then that's up to them, but to be told is completely different to me.

In both DH and my social circles cash is mostly given as a wedding gift. So it's physical gifts for showers, cash for the wedding. Nice balance if you ask me.

True, but people can select boxed gifts without a registry. To request cash or gift cards in lieu of boxed gifts is rude. But to have a shower without a registry and allow guests to select any gift they want to give is still ok etiquette wise.

That said…Personally, I would side eye a shower without a registry and definitely give a boxed gift - without a receipt probably.

Where did I mention anything regarding a registry? I just said if you don't need or want gifts don't have a shower. Registries are only a guide not a must have in order to have a shower.

My bad, didn't mean to suggest you did. Another PP poster said you needed to refuse any showers if you didn't register and I quoted the wrong post since it was the last one.

Asking for money not gifts

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