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When you invite SOME but not all of the extendeds

kaelenenobiskaelenenobis member
10 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hello all!

So question for you. We are in the first stages of the LIST. Trying to figure out how many before we book a venue, look for a caterer and all those things. The VERY early stages. We sat down to make a list of who was invited. 

All of my cousins, because we are all real close. But barely any of his. I also have an aunt who has three kids I don't want to invite. When I told my mom (aunt is her sister) she freaked out. My aunt is going to show up drunk or high, let her children run around like crazy. 

How do you invite one aunt, but not the other, when you know it will create an uproar? 

Kae
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Re: When you invite SOME but not all of the extendeds

  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    kaenobis said:
    Hello all!

    So question for you. We are in the first stages of the LIST. Trying to figure out how many before we book a venue, look for a caterer and all those things. The VERY early stages. We sat down to make a list of who was invited. 

    All of my cousins, because we are all real close. But barely any of his. I also have an aunt who has three kids I don't want to invite. When I told my mom (aunt is her sister) she freaked out. My aunt is going to show up drunk or high, let her children run around like crazy. 

    How do you invite one aunt, but not the other, when you know it will create an uproar? 

    Kae
    You invite in circles, and you acknowledge that you can't split up couples (you can't invite an aunt you do like, but not the uncle she's married to because he's an ass. You invite them both or not at all).

    I invited all of my first cousins -- all 15 of them -- plus the SOs of those who had them. DH invited his ONE first cousin, who is single. It wasn't even, and that was OK.

    I invited some of my second cousins, but not another one, because I don't like her. My mother wasn't thrilled about it, but I told her I would deal with the fall out (if there was any) of her finding out she wasn't invited. She either didn't find out or didn't care, because it was a non-issue.

    If the aunt you don't want to invite is your mom's sister, it's going to be trickier, but it's still do-able. Who's paying for your wedding? If it's you and your FI, then you tell your mom, "Mom, FI and I have built our guest list, and we are not including this aunt, I'm sorry. That's a decision we made, and it's not open for discussion."
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    How bad is her substance abuse?  Is she actually a threat to other guests, or would she just embarrass herself?  I would say you should err towards inviting her since you are inviting the other aunt, just to avoid hurt feelings.  But in the end unless your family is paying for the wedding, you and Fi just make your decision and get ready to back it up with your mom.
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  • kaelenenobiskaelenenobis member
    10 Comments
    I think my mom may think that my aunt is not a threat to others. But she has threatened me in the past couple months. I am paying for most of the wedding, my mom will be chipping in for the venue. So I guess both. Having her around makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if she is there i will spend my wedding day worrying about what she is doing and who she is talking to.

    If I don't invite her I have a massive problem on my hands with my mom and my grandmother (who might help pay... Still not sure. :/ )

    Thank you for the advice. :) 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    ALL CHOICES, GOOD OR BAD, COME WITH CONSEQUENCES.


    It's just the way life is.   Only you can decide what is it worth upsetting your mom by not inviting her sister.  Only you can decide if an entire lifetime of awkwardness at family functions is worth not inviting her.

    It might be worth it, I don't know the family history.  Even if I did know doesn't mean I would come to the same conclusion.  Fact is only you can say what's worth it or not.  

    Whatever you decide,  own your choice and realize there may be unpleasant consequences as a result.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
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    lyndausvi said:
    ALL CHOICES, GOOD OR BAD, COME WITH CONSEQUENCES.


    It's just the way life is.   Only you can decide what is it worth upsetting your mom by not inviting her sister.  Only you can decide if an entire lifetime of awkwardness at family functions is worth not inviting her.

    It might be worth it, I don't know the family history.  Even if I did know doesn't mean I would come to the same conclusion.  Fact is only you can say what's worth it or not.  

    Whatever you decide,  own your choice and realize there may be unpleasant consequences as a result.
    I totally agree with this.  There is no hard and fast rule that you must invite in circles, but it does save a lot of drama if you do.  If I had missed one person in my mother's family circles, there would have been hell to pay.  On the other hand, I have no relationship with the vast majority of my father's family, so I only invited one cousin and one aunt and uncle.  No one was offended, because we have no relationship and they didn't expect to be invited.

    You have to decide if it would be more drama to have your aunt attend, or more drama to not invite her.  Seriously, if you are worried about her making a scene, consider that you may not notice.  Apparently my 85 year old grandfather got drunk and punched a guy in the stomach at my reception- I never knew.
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    I think only you know your family dynamics for this one. The others gave you very good advice. It is possible for someone who tends to abuse substances to still be functional, how bad is she? If she's the type that could potentially harm you or other guests or steal from you then I would tell your mom, that you wouldn't feel comfortable inviting her as you feel she is a threat to the safety of you and your guests. If she can handle herself enough where she simply just makes an ass of herself she seems harmless to invite but I would hire extra security to keep an eye on her. But if you rather not have her and you and your fi are paying, then it's fine not to invite her as long as you don't invite her spouse.
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  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Honestly, since your mom is helping pay the venue, she gets a say. I would just suck it up, allow it and have security on hand for if she gets drunk/high they can escort her out. You won't even notice your aunt unless you want to.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Suck it up and invite her. Honestly, when it comes to the day, the last thing you'll probably be thinking about is your aunt. If she acts crazy, that's on her. 
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  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    wait a second, this aunt has threatened you at least twice in the past? presumably with some kind of physical harm?

     

    I'm sorry, but in my view, prior threats of bodily harm to bride/groom/guest = no invitation.

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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Your personal safety and the safety of your guests trumps hurt feelings. If your aunt has threatened you, you have more than enough justification to put your foot down and say "no, she is not invited."
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Chipmunk415 said:

    wait a second, this aunt has threatened you at least twice in the past? presumably with some kind of physical harm?

     

    I'm sorry, but in my view, prior threats of bodily harm to bride/groom/guest = no invitation.

    This!
    Inkdancer said:

    Your personal safety and the safety of your guests trumps hurt feelings. If your aunt has threatened you, you have more than enough justification to put your foot down and say "no, she is not invited."

    And this!
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    In light of the additional information, I stand by my recommendation not to invite her and I suggest declining your mother's money.

    If she's paying, she gets a say, and even though the etiquette rule about threats of violence means you'd be in the right not to invite her, it sounds like your mother has a blind spot for her sister.

    If you decline her money, she has no say and no strings.

    Decline the money, tell your mom why, don't invite the aunt, also tell your mom why.

    Actions have consequnces. If your action is to be a drug - user who threatens people, the consequence is that you won't get invited to their weddings.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • kaelenenobiskaelenenobis member
    10 Comments
    Yeah. I think declining my moms help and not inviting her is the way to go. Thank you. ;)
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