Destination Wedding Etiquette

Re: Destination Wedding Etiquette

• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2014

  Jods831 said:

  So my FH and I thought it would be a great idea to do a DW.  We know a very large group of people and just can't afford to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception.  We do plan to come back up and have a "dance" or "celebration" with the larger group of family and friends.  We would have appetizers, open bar (free beer all night) and DJ. Since we are very new at DW's and have not really been to any, there are some questions that keep popping up.  Please help!

  
  

  It is unusual to invite 45-50 people to the DW or is that too many?  (FH wants 20-30 and I am looking more at 45-50)

  
  

  Do I have a bridal shower and stag party? Can I invite others that aren't invited to the DW but are invited to the celebration?  You can have a bridal shower if someone offers to host one for you.  Please do not have a Stag and Doe party- that's considered a fundraising event and it is tacky and rude to ask people for money to pay for your wedding.  I would not invite anyone to pre wedding events that is not going to be invited to your actual DW.
  

  
  

  Since it is just a dinner at the DW, can we have our first dance, mother-son dance and father-daughter dance, garter toss, bouquet toss, ect. back home?  I would say no.  I think people will side eye this and consider your AHR a PPD then.
  

  
  

  What is a good time frame between the wedding and celebration?  I was thinking getting back and have the celebration the next weekend.

  
  

  Can the whole wedding party wear their dresses and pants/shirts (no tuxes)?  or should I just hang up my wedding dress there?  If you are talking about at your AHR, then no, I would not have your wedding party wear anything other than what they would wear to a regular, non wedding reception party.  I don't think you should wear your dress either I think people would side eye it. . . but I am kinda torn on that one.
  

  
  

  Do people show the video of the marriage and have pictures out?  Maybe a slideshow going?

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Thanks for your help ahead of time.  I didn't think this wedding planning could be so overwhelming at times.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  I am personally not a fan of DW's and AHR's (At Home Receptions).  AHRs rub me the wrong way because I feel that if you want to invite more ppl than you can afford to your DW, rather than having a 2nd reception back home where your guests might feel slighted because they didn't make the cut to see the actual wedding, couples should budget and plan to host a state side wedding where they can invite everyone they want, then go on a honeymoon at whatever spot they would chose to have the DW.  Or I feel that couples should have their DW, invite who they can afford to invite, and skip the AHR entirely.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  January 2014

  @PrettyGirlLost gave good advice-- seconded.

  
  

  From a practical standpoint, I fail to see how doing a DW and then AHR like you're describing would actually be cheaper than just having a wedding and reception at home.  As long as it isn't at a meal time, appetizers, free beer, and DJ sounds like a terrific wedding.  You could have a late ceremony, like 8pm, and then your app reception from 8:30-midnight.  I think it sounds like a really fun time and exactly the kind of wedding I would love to attend as a guest.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  January 2014

  Jods831 said:

  So my FH and I thought it would be a great idea to do a DW.  We know a very large group of people and just can't afford to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception.  We do plan to come back up and have a "dance" or "celebration" with the larger group of family and friends.  We would have appetizers, open bar (free beer all night) and DJ. Since we are very new at DW's and have not really been to any, there are some questions that keep popping up.  Please help!

  
  

  It is unusual to invite 45-50 people to the DW or is that too many?  (FH wants 20-30 and I am looking more at 45-50) There is no cap on the number of people you can invite to the wedding, as long as you can afford to host everyone properly. But because it's a destination wedding expect a higher decline rate.
  

  
  

  Do I have a bridal shower and stag party? Can I invite others that aren't invited to the DW but are invited to the celebration? Only if someone offers to throw you one, you absolutely cannot throw yourself one or ask someone else to throw you one. And if someone is gracious enough to throw you a pre-wedding party you cannot invite anyone to these parties who is not invited to the wedding.
  

  
  

  Since it is just a dinner at the DW, can we have our first dance, mother-son dance and father-daughter dance, garter toss, bouquet toss, ect. back home? No. You had your wedding and reception. The at home reception should just be a party, doing all the things are usually done at wedding receptions would be tacky.
  

  
  

  What is a good time frame between the wedding and celebration?  I was thinking getting back and have the celebration the next weekend. That's fine.
  

  
  

  Can the whole wedding party wear their dresses and pants/shirts (no tuxes)?  or should I just hang up my wedding dress there? There are mixed opinions on this. IMO, you can wear your dress (lots of people like to see it) but don't have anyone in the WP dress in their outfits.
  

  
  

  Do people show the video of the marriage and have pictures out?  Maybe a slideshow going? At the very most I would do a slideshow that's out of the way but honestly I wouldn't even do that.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Thanks for your help ahead of time.  I didn't think this wedding planning could be so overwhelming at times.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• WinstonsGirl member

  

  January 2014

  Jods831 said:

  So my FH and I thought it would be a great idea to do a DW.  We know a very large group of people and just can't afford to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception.  We do plan to come back up and have a "dance" or "celebration" with the larger group of family and friends.  We would have appetizers, open bar (free beer all night) and DJ. Since we are very new at DW's and have not really been to any, there are some questions that keep popping up.  Please help!

  
  

  It is unusual to invite 45-50 people to the DW or is that too many?  (FH wants 20-30 and I am looking more at 45-50)

  We invited 125 to ours.  40 came (thankfully - 125 was way too many!!).  I've heard of someone who had 100% attendance to her DW.  Plan for everyone to make it, but remember that you shouldn't be disappointed if people can't.  It's a lot of time/vacation/cash to go away and it's not a priority for everyone.  

  
  

  Do I have a bridal shower and stag party? Can I invite others that aren't invited to the DW but are invited to the celebration?

  If someone offers to throw you parties, absolutely have them, but only invite those invited to the wedding.  My MOH threw me an awesome shower and stagette.  

  
  

  Since it is just a dinner at the DW, can we have our first dance, mother-son dance and father-daughter dance, garter toss, bouquet toss, ect. back home?

  
  

  I'm not sure when or why you'd do these back home.  AHR??  I wouldn't.  It would feel weird to watch it all then.  We skipped al the dances and tosses.  Didn't want to bother doing them.  If you are set on them, I'd do them right after dinner/cutting the cake.  No big deal if you only have a couple of songs for spotlight dances.  Toss the bouquet and then head home.

  
  

  What is a good time frame between the wedding and celebration?  I was thinking getting back and have the celebration the next weekend.

  
  

  Our AHR (not wanted by us actually) was about 3-4 months after.  We had a drop in open house in my parents backyard with snacks, pop/juice/water and beer and wine in the afternoon.  Have it when it works for you and your FI.  

  
  

  Can the whole wedding party wear their dresses and pants/shirts (no tuxes)?  or should I just hang up my wedding dress there?

  I wouldn't bother with either.  Don't dictate what your WP has to wear to a party.  You only get to do that for the wedding.    They'd also feel quite out of place if not everyone else was dressed up.  I'll get dressed up for a wedding, but not so much for a celebration part of said wedding after.  Hang you dress if you really want to, but no one even asked me about mine.  

  
  

  Do people show the video of the marriage and have pictures out?  Maybe a slideshow going?

  
  

  We had a Shutterfly album we left out.  I don't think anyone looked at it

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Thanks for your help ahead of time.  I didn't think this wedding planning could be so overwhelming at times.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Another point of note is that the AHR to me is considered part of the wedding/a wedding related party.  I didn't invite anyone who wasn't invited to the wedding, which was why we didn't see the point in having one in the first place.  (My Mom really wanted it and we finally caved after months of her asking.  We gave in on this one since we're not giving in on grandkids.     )  Anyway, don't invite people to the AHR if they're not invited to the actual wedding.  It basically says you're cool to party here with me, but not to come to my wedding.  

  
  

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• hmc_sunshine member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  
  

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• MoreChocolatePlease member

  

  January 2014

  Just my experience: 

  Our wedding is out-of-country where I have family, but for all intents and purposes it's a DW for most people. We may or may not have a party afterwards in the US, but I very strongly felt that everyone invited to any eventual AHR or related events needed to be invited to the wedding. Same for the pre-wedding parties that my girls have graciously offered to host; every shower guest has to have been invited to the wedding.

  
  

  Realistically many will not be able to attend for various reasons, although we would be thrilled if everyone came and have budgeted in case of 100% attendance. Therefore, as of now if we have an AHR, with our current budget it will be a nice but casual BBQ. (If less people make the wedding, more money could go towards the AHR but the wedding is our focus because, well that's our wedding, the AHR is just a party). My FMIL disagreed with us inviting everyone right off the bat, but we held strong. We just really wanted to avoid an idea of a tiered event/hurt feelings, leave the decision up to the guest, and keep everything consistent.

  
  

  Jods831 - Would you be able to invite everyone to the wedding? Obviously you need to keep your budget in mind, and it depends on where you marry (perhaps you'll be lucky and have a favorable exchange rate on the dollar) but if this is a possibility I would recommend it. Otherwise I would just invite whoever you can host to the DW, and there is your guest list for any AHRs and to pull from for pre-wedding parties. This way it will minimize hurt feelings.

  
  

  IF we do a party back home, it would be about 2 months after our wedding. We would have good food, wine/beer/soda, music and it would just be a fun party. I think it's fine to cut a cake, since that's done at many types of events by the guest of honor, but you should skip bouquet and garter tosses, etc. I would definitely not have the bridal party wear their bridal party dresses/suits since the wedding has passed. (I'm assuming they are the bridal party at your actual DW). Some people on here feel it's ok to wear your wedding dress, and personally I don't care, but I don't think I would because I think I would feel odd. I will be a married lady at that point! But by all means, wear a dress that makes you feel beautiful. Just treat it like a great party, or an anniversary party if that helps.  

  
  

  Feel free to message me if you have any questions at all. I'm happy to help. I know how overwhelming it can be - particularly planning from afar! Good luck - I'm sure it will be a fantastic wedding and really fun AHR.

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• MoreChocolatePlease member

  

  January 2014

  WinstonsGirl You said it best. You don't want to give people the impression that they are cool enough to to hang out with at your AHR, not but good enough to be invited to the original wedding.

  
  

  Also, we're inviting about 100 people if that helps.

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• Inkdancer member

  

  January 2014

  If you're already having an at-home reception with an open bar, food, and a DJ, your only additional expense to have the whole wedding at home would be a ceremony space... and if you really wanted to, you could have the ceremony and reception in the same place. (I'm doing it, and it's gonna be awesome.)
  
  I am not sure how a destination wedding is going to save you money. Seems like it will actually be more expensive in the end!
  

  

  

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• sofakingmad member

  

  January 2014

  Jods831 said:

  So my FH and I thought it would be a great idea to do a DW.  We know a very large group of people and just can't afford to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception.  We do plan to come back up and have a "dance" or "celebration" with the larger group of family and friends.  We would have appetizers, open bar (free beer all night) and DJ. Since we are very new at DW's and have not really been to any, there are some questions that keep popping up.  Please help!

  
  

  It is unusual to invite 45-50 people to the DW or is that too many?  (FH wants 20-30 and I am looking more at 45-50)  That's fine.  You can invite as many or as few people as you want.  I had 45.

  
  

  Do I have a bridal shower and stag party? Can I invite others that aren't invited to the DW but are invited to the celebration?  I only invited people who were invited to the DW to the shower/bachelorette party (I didn't throw these parties for myself, I mean, the guest list I gave to my hostesses only included those names).  

  
  

  Since it is just a dinner at the DW, can we have our first dance, mother-son dance and father-daughter dance, garter toss, bouquet toss, ect. back home?  You should do all that stuff at the DW if you want to do it.  

  
  

  What is a good time frame between the wedding and celebration?  I was thinking getting back and have the celebration the next weekend.  If you can handle that, go on with your bad self.  But that's a lot of planning.

  
  

  Can the whole wedding party wear their dresses and pants/shirts (no tuxes)?  or should I just hang up my wedding dress there?  Leave all that wedding clothing at home.  This is just a party.

  
  

  Do people show the video of the marriage and have pictures out?  Maybe a slideshow going?  I had pictures out, but I'm sure that was kind of rude.  But they were amazing pictures.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Thanks for your help ahead of time.  I didn't think this wedding planning could be so overwhelming at times.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• KatWAG member

  

  January 2014

  If you cant afford to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception, how are you going to be able to afford an AHR? The reception is the most expensive part.

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  KatWAG said:

  If you cant afford to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception, how are you going to be able to afford an AHR? The reception is the most expensive part.

  Excellent point.
  
  If you really want to have a celebration with all these people, why not just skip the DW and host a local wedding that's affordable for you?  If your budget doesn't allow you to even invite these people to a local wedding, I think you need to rethink trying to celebrate with all these people.
  
  

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• sofakingmad member

  

  January 2014

  KatWAG said:

  If you cant afford to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception, how are you going to be able to afford an AHR? The reception is the most expensive part.

  That's not entirely true.  The wedding industry really sticks it to you when you say it's a "wedding reception" as opposed to a "party."

  
  

  I had a DW and then a party (NOT a reception) back at home and it was super cheap to do.  It was also really casual and just another reason to party.

  

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• Jods831 member

  

  January 2014

  So I guess I didn't make myself clear enough:
  Large group = easily 300+ people
  
  When I said: "just can't afford to invite everyone to the ceremony and reception"  It was the ceremony (not a church wedding), dinner and dance.
  
  When I said: "We do plan to come back up and have a "dance" or "celebration" with the larger group of family and friends.  We would have appetizers, open bar (free beer all night) and DJ."  It was the dance/party part AFTER the reception.  So no need for a big buffet or 3-4 course meal.  We have been to many weddings that have appetizers or sandwiches, chips, more dessert that come out during the Dance for people to eat.
  
  I do appreciate everyone that gave me some ideas and suggestions or constructive criticism.
  

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• lc07 member

  

  January 2014

  I understand that you want to include all of your friends and family and celebrate with them. However, it's impolite to invite someone to a pre or post-wedding related event without inviting them to the actual wedding. My advice is to invite the amount of people that you can afford to host at your DW. Should you get a high number of declines go ahead and plan your AHR afterwards and use the same guest list for the AHR that you used for the DW. If you find that nearly all of your guests accept your invitation to the DW you may decide the AHR is no longer necessary.

  
  

  If that plan does not sound good to you because you want to include 300+ people, then plan your wedding to be local and at a non-meal time when you can host people without being expected to provide a full meal.

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2014

  Jods831 said:

  
  I do appreciate everyone that gave me some ideas and suggestions or constructive criticism.
  

  You're welcome!
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  January 2014

  You can absolutely have exactly the kind of party you described (apps and drinks for 300) as your wedding reception. Simply hold your wedding at a time of day when you would not expect to serve a meal. For example, have your wedding at 1 pm, and the reception at 2 pm. Or, have the wedding start at 7:30  and reception from 8:30 on. Then you can host everyone you want to, at a party you can afford, and still celebrate with everybody.
  

  

  

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• blabla89 member

  

  January 2014

  Inviting anyone to the shower who isn't invited to the wedding is unbelievably rude, even for a DW. FSIL made this mistake because she assumed that her coworkers, local friends, etc. couldn't come to the DW anyway so she didn't bother to invite them, but told her MOH that they could come to the shower. I was seated next to one of the shower-only guests and could tell that she was not happy about it at all. If that was me, I wouldn't have attended or given a gift at all.
  

  

  
  
  

  
  

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• delujm0 member

  

  January 2014

  If you truly have 300+ guests that you absolutely must have at your wedding, i don't think that a DW is your best option.  DWs are great in a lot of ways, and not so great in others.  But if your reasoning for having one is simply so that you won't have to invite 300 people to attend it, i don't think this is appropriate.

   

  If you truly have always wanted to get married wherever your DW would be, and you have the list of people that would "make the cut" to be invited to the actual DW, why can't that just be your guest list?  There is no reason to invite everyone you and your parents have ever met to your wedding.  If you would be perfectly happy with a small DW ceremony, why can't that just be your whole wedding?  People will understand that they weren't invited.  Not everyone can be invited to everything.

   

  I guess i commend you if you truly have 300+ friends and family that you are super close to and NEED to celebrate your wedding with - i have no idea how i'd ever keep up with that many people.  In this case, i think your best bet, truly, would be to have the kind of reception you are wanting as your post-wedding party as your actual wedding reception instead.  Just get married at 7:30pm or later - and you can do exactly what you've described as your actual wedding, without the additional costs of a DW beforehand.

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• clarke10 member

  

  January 2014

  How can you NOT afford to invite them all to a wedding/reception, but you CAN afford to do a DW and have a big party afterward?

  

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• muenginerd member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  My BFF did this a few years ago and it turned out beautiful....

  Just a few things to add on to what others said.

  I would take another look at your time from your wedding to reception at home.  Friend's wedding was in Mexcio and I know after we were all on vacation for 5 days and celebrating down there we would be too pooped and busy catching up on everything to come home and throw a party the next weekend.  Just consider how you will feel after traveling and if you want to have another party right away a few days later.  We spaced hers' out about a month and it was wonderful.

  On attire...

  We did not wear wedding attire, the wedding was on a carribean beach and the party at home was in December in Chicago we would have froze.  That being said, the tone set for the party was much more casual and I was happy we changed.  The bridal party would have stood out like a sore thumb if we were in wedding attire.

  On cost...

  The couple got a wonderful deal getting their wedding party package free from the resort because they booked x amount of rooms for the event.  However, it was a really nice trip and their travel costs were about what they would spend on some activites at home.  Make sure you are including your travel costs into a destination wedding.

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