How do we politely ask for money only?

elijoy · November 2013

My fiance and I pretty much own all the stuff we need/want. The two big things we'd like are a new bed and to get some money for our honeymoon. My mom thinks if we don't register we will end up getting a bunch of junk presents anyway. I thought of a honeymoon fund website but I read those take a huge percentage of your money. How do I make this happen? And what does this mean for the bridal shower? Should I do a small registry just for the shower?

NYCBruin · November 2013

Don't ask for money, it's rude. As are honeymoon registries (which are just another way to ask for money).

Either don't register or have a very small registry. If (and only IF) people ask you what you would like, you may reply "Oh we don't really need anything, but we are saving up for ____" People will get the hint.

Some people flat out won't give cash and will get you a (perhaps random) boxed gift. Might be worth going through your things and picking out some "upgrades" you would like. High thread count sheets, nice plush towels, maybe some fun kitchen gadgets, etc.

You don't have to have a bridal shower. If someone offers to host one for you, you may either politely decline or accept, but if you do accept, you should keep it small and have a small registry since showers are gift-giving/opening events. PS-you don't get a bridal shower unless someone offers to throw you one anyways (it's rude to host a party in your honor, especially a gift-giving one), so it may end up being a non-issue.

annathy03 · November 2013

All of what NYC said. I'd recommend a small registry (who couldn't use new sheets/towels?) for guests who want to get a physical gift, and when people ask you can say "we have most of the things we need, but have a small registry at X and are saving for a new bed".

doeydo · November 2013

You don't. Asking for money is ALWAYS rude. If a guest asks "Hey, what should I get you for your wedding?", you could say "Well, we don't need much but we are saving for a car " or whatever. Also, you can have no registry or a small one.

manateehugger · November 2013

How in the world would saying "Hey, we're getting married, so can we get some of your money?" ever be polite?"

I'm with NYC.

hoffse · November 2013

Things to think about:

1) Your mom is right to a certain extent. Some people don't give cash (like me). Do everybody a favor and make a small registry for those folks. Otherwise you would be getting a crystal platter from me.

2) When people ask say, "we're saving for our honeymoon but we're also registered at X." This is about as polite as you can be to ask for something you really shouldn't be asking for.

3) If you need your guests to help fund your honeymoon, do your marriage a HUGE favor and wait until you see how much you get before planning that trip. Charging a honeymoon and assuming you will be "reimbursed" by guests is one of the worst ideas you can have, because you are very very likely to end up starting your marriage in debt. H and I, for instance, are in a circle of primarily boxed-gift-givers. We didn't receive enough cash to cover even one of our flights, let alone the rest of it. We had to pay for it ourselves, and that was just fine because it was our responsibility to do so.

Either plan a honeymoon you can afford and limit the funds you receive to bonuses that really aren't necessary to have a nice trip (like an extra massage or whatever), or wait until the whole thing is over to set a budget and figure out your trip at that time. But don't, whatever you do, rely on your guests for transportation, lodging, or basic meal costs. You might be disappointed and then SOL.

I took a slightly delayed honeymoon and loved it. It gave H and I a chance to get our thank you notes out and our gifts put away, and we were able to leave for Jamaica with a clean/neat apartment and no thank you note obligations hanging over us. It was really just perfect and we could fully unwind. Delaying your honeymoon because of finances/timing is really not the end of the world, and it lets the wedding celebrations continue (albiet privately) for a bit longer than most people get.

hoffse · November 2013

And one thing I forgot:

4) Showers are for physical gifts. If I got an invitation to a shower where the hostess indicated cash gifts were preferred, I would decline. I would bet 90% of my circle would decline as well. It's not done.

You certainly don't need a shower, but if you have one, it's best to register. Otherwise you'd get a crystal vase from me to match that crystal platter.

Jen4948 · November 2013

Money only is something you can't politely ask for as a gift.

If you don't want gifts, don't agree to showers.

SP29 · November 2013

Agree with all the above.

I would create a small registry, as there are guests who never give money as a gift. Look around your home and see if there is anything you'd like to upgrade- towels, bed sheets, utensils, bake ware, drinking/wine glasses, dinnerware, cooking utensils, etc.

Having a small registry is a pretty clear indication to guests that you do not desire physical gifts. Everyone knows money is a good gift.

No to the honeymoon registry. Not only does the registry take a portion of whatever your guests give, but if enough people do not contribute, are you and FH prepared to cover the rest of the honeymoon yourselves? If I *did* use a honeymoon registry, but then found out the couple didn't even go on that honeymoon, I'd be pretty pissed.

As for the shower- only accept if it is offered and be prepared to receive physical gifts. You may get cash as a gift (at my shower, out of 10 guests, 1 bought an item off our registry, 1 gave her own gift, the rest gave cash), but don't ask for it (no greenback or honeymoon showers!).

chibiyui · November 2013

Depending on where you register, you can add matresses and beds to your registry. I wouldn't necessarily do that for a shower, but more of a add it the week before your wedding for compeletion discounts.

elijoy · November 2013

Thanks everyone. I guess I should have explained that we just bought a house and pretty much bought upgraded everything when we moved in, which is why we don't really need things like towels. We do need really big ticket items like a bed and new appliances but those seem like stupid things to register for since no one is going to buy them.

My bridesmaids already told me they are planning a bridal shower for me (whether I want one or not) so I think I'll go with the small registry and try and find a few small items and then mention the saving for a bed thing. We can afford our own honeymoon but I now from past weddings I've been a part of that people really like hearing about how their monetary present directly translated into an awesome night during the honeymoon. As opposed to "our new dishwasher is awesome."

Thanks.

itzMS · November 2013

Another important thing to remember is that many household items don't go "bad".

DH & I registered for (and received) things like a Calphalon roaster pan, champagne glasses, every type/style of cocktail glass, and cake/dessert serveware. We had no need for those items immediately, but we sure will when we start a family and begin hosting larger parties. Towels, table linens, and sheets can be easily stored in vacuum spacesaver bags, too, if you don't need them NOW per se.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

elijoy said:

My fiance and I pretty much own all the stuff we need/want. The two big things we'd like are a new bed and to get some money for our honeymoon. My mom thinks if we don't register we will end up getting a bunch of junk presents anyway. I thought of a honeymoon fund website but I read those take a huge percentage of your money. How do I make this happen? And what does this mean for the bridal shower? Should I do a small registry just for the shower?

I would not use the words "junk presents". Unless someone is literally handing you garbage, they spend time and money picking it out and it's rude to call it a "junk present". If you really hate it, donate it to a goodwill far, far away and be happy with your tax deduction.

If you have a shower, you must register even if it's a small registry. Showers are for physical gifts. Don't plan to return them either. There are threads you can read about that and it's SUPER rude.

You're having a hard time phrasing it because it IS rude. When people ask you where you're registered, just tell them you're not registered, but you're saving up to buy appliances for your new house or whatever. People will get that.

elijoy said:

Thanks everyone. I guess I should have explained that we just bought a house and pretty much bought upgraded everything when we moved in, which is why we don't really need things like towels. We do need really big ticket items like a bed and new appliances but those seem like stupid things to register for since no one is going to buy them.

My bridesmaids already told me they are planning a bridal shower for me (whether I want one or not) so I think I'll go with the small registry and try and find a few small items good idea! and then mention the saving for a bed thing. Only mention this verbally if people ask you. We can afford our own honeymoon but I now from past weddings I've been a part of that people really like hearing about how their monetary present directly translated into an awesome night during the honeymoon. As opposed to "our new dishwasher is awesome." Then write your thank you notes when you get back and let them know how you spent the money on the honeymoon. E.g. "Hi Aunt Jane, thanks so much for your generous wedding gift. We used it to celebrate our first day as newlyweds by going out of a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant in Cabo. Thanks again! Love, elijoy and elijoy-H"

Thanks.

kgd7357 · January 2014

If you do a shower, you need a registry. We are hoping for mostly cash for the wedding, which is likely since we have a lot of NYC/NJ/CT guests, but made a medium sized registry for the shower with a lot of different price ranges. We'll be editing it after the shower to be smaller for just filling in sets from the shower gifts and our favorite items. Hopefully this will point guests in the cash direction, and will hopefully limit the physical gifts to just the ones we'd actually like.

photokitty · January 2014

I too used to believe it was rude to have a shower without a registry, but it was pointed out it is fine to have one and allow people to select gifts of their own choosing for you. It is only impolite if you or the host suggest gift cards or money be given instead of folks just picking out a physical present for you. Sort of like having a birthday party, people just select what they think you would like and what they want to give you without being told. I agree it's awkward and could come off odd, but it is still within etiquette to have a shower without a registry.

JennyColada · January 2014

This is kind of why I want to decline any sort of showers or parties. My Fi and I are VERY picky about our tastes and between the both of us (been living together for some time) we have absolutely everything that we need. I don't need to waste the money of my loved ones to get a new (unneeded) set of towels.

I suppose money for the honeymoon might be nice, but it's not really needed either. We've joked about "registering" at our favorite gourmet food store (for aged cheeses and dried salamis), but that seems a bit odd (although it would be the type of gift that we'd appreciate and use the most!).

Some of my coworkers have been talking about throwing me a "surprise" shower (I think they are more excited than I am for it!), and I do worry that they will try to spend money (that they don't have!) on buying me gifts (that I don't need!). I think if they start asking then I might just make a small registry at Sur La Table or other cooking-oriented stores for sauces and spices and oils and things like that.

CrazyCatLady3 · January 2014

Register at a store where you can exchange unwanted gifts for store credit you can put towards something you need. For example, Macy's. If someone gets you an unwanted sheet set you can return it and put the store credit towards a new bed.

Viczaesar · January 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

Register at a store where you can exchange unwanted gifts for store credit you can put towards something you need. For example, Macy's. If someone gets you an unwanted sheet set you can return it and put the store credit towards a new bed.

I can't support this if you're saying what I think you're saying. If you don't want an item, don't register for it. It's not appropriate to register for stuff you don't want just so that you can return it for store credit.

JennyColada · January 2014

Viczaesar said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

Register at a store where you can exchange unwanted gifts for store credit you can put towards something you need. For example, Macy's. If someone gets you an unwanted sheet set you can return it and put the store credit towards a new bed.

I can't support this if you're saying what I think you're saying. If you don't want an item, don't register for it. It's not appropriate to register for stuff you don't want just so that you can return it for store credit.

I think what @CrazyCatLady means is that if people see "Oh she's registered at Macy's. Well I'll just buy her anything from Macy's because she must want it!" instead of actually buying something ON the list.

photokitty · January 2014

Jennycolada said:

Viczaesar said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

Register at a store where you can exchange unwanted gifts for store credit you can put towards something you need. For example, Macy's. If someone gets you an unwanted sheet set you can return it and put the store credit towards a new bed.

I can't support this if you're saying what I think you're saying. If you don't want an item, don't register for it. It's not appropriate to register for stuff you don't want just so that you can return it for store credit.

I think what @CrazyCatLady means is that if people see "Oh she's registered at Macy's. Well I'll just buy her anything from Macy's because she must want it!" instead of actually buying something ON the list.

No, I think @CrazyCatLady3 means register at Macy's for stuff you don't want like sheets and then return them to buy big ticket items like a bed. And Viczaesar is saying she doesn't condone that type of "registering" bc it is basically lying to your guests. If you don't want something don't register with the intention of trading it in for something you want but can't register for-- like a bed. But I could be wrong -- it happens on occasion :-p

CrazyCatLady3 · January 2014

She could technically put a bed on the registry at Macy's, but people probably won't buy it because of the price, so they would be clued in to get a Macy's gift card (or something else from Macy's, which she could return if she wanted). And she could put things on there she might potentially want but if she later decides she doesn't want them, she could return them for store credit to put towards a bed. But registering for completely random stuff she definitely doesn't want probably isn't the nicest idea, I agree.

How do we politely ask for money only?

Re: How do we politely ask for money only?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards