Toasts

melbenso · January 2014

I've read complaints over and over again on "worst wedding" threads about too many wedding toasts and toasts that went on for too long. At our reception, I know my brother (my man of honor) and my FI's best woman are going to make toasts. I don't expect that my brother will talk for more than a couple of minutes (he's already told me most of the things he'd like to say about how glad he is that my FI is going to be his brother-in-law and how he knew he was a good guy - it's really sweet.) and my FI's best woman should also be under 5 minutes. I know I have at least one other friend who'd like to make a toast as well. I would expect that her's would be longer, just based on her personality. She's my best friend of nearly 20 years and I know its important to her to say something. However, if we open it up to her as well, I'm afraid it would lead to everyone in the wedding party wanting to make a toast. And that would just be too much. Should I ask her if she would like to make a toast (I know the answer will be yes) and limit it there, or should I just limit it to our honor attendants? (She would have been my maid of honor, if I had picked one. But I decided just to stick with my brother as my only honor attendant.)

I suspect FI's mother would like to give a toast as well, which also could be quite long. She has very graciously offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We were going to ask her if she would make a toast at the rehearsal dinner. (And maybe my parents too, but neither one of them relishes public speaking, so it would be pretty short). I had originally thought that we might see if my bridesmaids or his groomsmen (we each have 3, aside from the honor attendants) might like to make a toast there instead of at the wedding, but again that seems like too much.

So, I guess my question is, from an etiquette standpoint regarding toasts, how much is too much, both for the wedding and the rehearsal dinner?

JennyColada · January 2014

It just always makes me think of those cliche wedding comedies where someone makes a toast, everyone claps, goes to take a bite of food...and then another toast.

I think that what is "too much" really depends on what else is going on. I fully intend on my wedding being very small (10 people), and if every single couple gave a toast (5), that would be totally excessive. But I can imagine that in a reception with 200+ people with dinner and dancing and cocktail hour, etc. that 5 toasts would be perfect and not feel overwhelming at all (so long as they aren't back-to-back).

Inkdancer · January 2014

I don't think 5 is crazy, but it really depends on the size of your wedding. Most of the toasts for my FBIL's wedding were actually given at the rehearsal dinner, and it was very sweet. Maybe ask a couple of the toast-makers to speak at the RD and then have the others speak at the wedding.

CrazyCatLady3 · January 2014

Even 5 minutes is actually quite long for a toast. It's a toast, not a speech. Just because someone "wants" to give a toast doesn't mean you should let them. It's inconsiderate to your other guests who have to sit through it. Keep your toasts to honor attendants (2) and *maybe* the host of the wedding if someone other than the couple is hosting (i.e. MOB, FOB).

I went to a wedding where there were 5 "toasts" (really speeches) and everyone was grumbling under their breath about it.

cowgirl8238 · January 2014

I think you should have those special honorary guests speak at the wedding (if they want to) and if anyone else wants to give a toast, ask them if they would mind doing it at the RD instead. I mean if someone has a problem with it then three toasts at the wedding wont kill you, but as a guest attending a wedding anymore then two toasts (one each for B & G) and I get restless.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Well, I think toasts should be short (2 minutes or less) and there shouldn't be more than 2 of them. Your guests will get antsy if toasts and speeches go on too long.

MrsEll · January 2014

Can some of these people just say a little something at the rehearsal dinner? Making your guests listen to that many toasts is annoying.

Cookie Pusher · January 2014

Our plan is to have only one toast at the wedding - a short one FI and I will give to thank our guests. Anyone else who wants to say something can do so at the RD. We know our friends and loved ones - there is no way the BM is going to be sober enough to keep it classy and my MOH is terrified of public speaking. To avoid any "roasting" or TMI moments, we've told our attendants that we'd just like to enjoy the reception without speeches.

MrsEll · January 2014

Best best man speech ever:

"I've heard that the toast shouldn't be any longer than the groom can last in bed."

::drops mic::

JennyColada · January 2014

MrsEll said:

Best best man speech ever:

"I've heard that the toast shouldn't be any longer than the groom can last in bed."

::drops mic::

AHAHAHA.

I'd DIE (of laughter) if anyone said that at my wedding.

Jen4948 · January 2014

MrsEll said:

Best best man speech ever:

"I've heard that the toast shouldn't be any longer than the groom can last in bed."

::drops mic::

This is hysterical!

phira · January 2014

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all rule about toasts and speeches at weddings. I know that a lot of wedding planners these days recommend NO toasts because of how often toasts at weddings go on for too long and are often they're inappropriate.

What I recommend is figuring out how many toasts there will be maximum, not allowing spontaneous toasts from other guests, setting a time limit, doing the toasts while people are eating, and having the first toast-giver explicitly invite guests to keep eating during the toasts.

We're planning on three toasts during the salad course (one best man, the maid of honor, and my mother), and we're going to ask each of them to keep their toast under 2 minutes if possible.

I recently went to a wedding with 5 toasts, and it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't amazing either. The father of the groom gave a toast that I barely remember, the father of the bride gave a very short, funny toast (referencing the Red Sox, the night of game 2 of the ALCS), the groom's two older brothers each gave a speech (one speech was short and funny, the other was a bit meandering and clearly improvised), and ALL of the bridesmaids gave a toast together.

The bridesmaid toast was honestly really terrible. My friend decided not to have a maid of honor, which meant that all 6 'maids decided to give a toast together. Each of them said a few sentences of one long toast, which focused almost entirely on the bride's fondness for animals. Of the 6 of them, maybe 2 of them smiled at all. It was super awkward.

melbenso · January 2014

I don't expect either honor attendant to speak for more than a minute, maybe two. My best friend and his mom might go as long as 5 (that's what I meant by long). I wasn't planning on more than 3 at the reception. But the suggestion to space them out is a good one.

I guess part of my question was, how much is too much for the rehearsal dinner too? While I'd like to give our loved ones a chance to wish us well, I don't want to bore the pants off of everyone at the rehearsal either. It seems to me that having 6 toasts there is just as bad as having 6 at the reception. It's just a smaller group of people we are annoying.

Also, if it helps at all, we will be inviting 150 guests and our best guess is that 120-130 will be able to attend the ceremony and reception. Rehearsal dinner could be as many as 50 if all of our out of town family decides to come in the night before the wedding.

And as a complete aside, the best wedding toast I ever heard was well over 5 minutes and probably hit almost 10. But it was a really unique circumstance and a really funny speaker. Friend from high school met her husband at a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture show. They both ended up doing the in theater cast of it for several years before and after their wedding. The best man (groom's best friend) was there the night they met and was very close with both of them by the time they got married. They dated for 5 years before they got married. Best man told the entire story of their relationship with lots of references to and lines from RHPS. But also included a lot of other jokes and stories so that people who weren't familiar with the movie would be amused as well. Every single person at the wedding was laughing and cheering. Best man even got the bride's uncles to participate in some jokes he planned with them ahead of time. It was really sweet and perfectly captured their relationship. I wouldn't recommend this under most circumstances, but in this one instance, it was really great.

freebread03 · January 2014

I think 5 minutes is way too long for a toast. A toast should be, in my opinion, no longer than 30-60 seconds at most. Nobody wants to sit through a round of speeches-it's a wedding, not a political event.

I think that you should ask her if she would like to make a toast, but I also think you need to remind those making a toast to keep it short. ("Hey friend, we're working on the timeline for the wedding and wanted to see if you wanted to make a quick toast during XYZ. We're budgeting in 60 seconds at most-no worries if you're not comfortable making a toast, but I wanted to check before i finalized the time schedule!")

hikebikebemerry · January 2014

This is a shot in the dark, but if your MoH isn't set on doing a speech, (he doesn't sound against it, which is why I'm saying shot in the dark) you could just have your friend do it- but ask her to keep it brief. If your MoH does want to give you a speech, I would ask the other friend who wants to speak to say something at the rehearsal dinner. I think too many speeches is a lot on not only the guests, but the Bride and Groom as well. You could let her know that you really respect what she has to say, and don't want to feel like it gets lost in a sea of speeches.

Just to clarify, I was a BM where I did the speech- because the MoH disliked speaking in public; so the bride asked me if I wanted to (I was super flattered/ honored). It worked out well- it would obviously not have been cool if the MoH WANTED to say something and was told that the honor was being passed to someone else.

huskypuppy14 · January 2014

I think there should be 3 or less toasts, and they should be 2 minutes or less. I have been to a couple weddings where the best man has not prepared and it was meandering and really awkward. You do not want that at your wedding. I have also heard some really cute toasts and some funny ones.

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