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Bachelor Parties...

TeriBeri06TeriBeri06 member
First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
in June 2014 Weddings

So my FI, God love him, tells me that they are going to the Dominican Republic for his bachelor party. I didn't get upset because I thought it was hilarious. Then I realized he was serious...our honey moon isn't even planned yet, its his task, and he's planning to leave the country to galavant with his friends. When that hit me I was not a happy camper. He and I have never been out of the country, much less on a real vacation together, so it kind of hurt my feelings that that took priority for him, over making plans for us and how we'd spend our first week as a married couple. When I asked him about it he said he was going regardless of how it made me feel.

Now before you guys say I shouldn't marry him, he came to his senses, but this is generally how he handles things. He says something stupid and kind of mean in reaction to conflict and then later realizes how stupid and mean it was. Was I wrong for feeling slighted by his plans to go to D.R.?

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Re: Bachelor Parties...

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    muenginerdmuenginerd member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    No I don't think so... I don't know what part of the country you are in, but that seems alittle extravegant for a bachelor party.  Plus you are right if he hasn't gotten a honeymoon down yet, you two haven't even vacationed together yet....I would be alittle upset he was planning such a big trip with buddies....
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    mcgarci2mcgarci2 member
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    Agreed.  I would be upset that the first time out of the country for both of you isn't on your honeymoon when it so easily could be.
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    wabanziwabanzi member
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    I'm not sure how I would feel in this situation.  This is a party planned by someone else (the best man) so I'm not sure if it really took priority for him over the honeymoon. 
     Generally, it is a horrible idea to have a bachelor party out of the country, so many things can go wrong especially given how out of hand some of these parties can get (e.g., I had a friend arrested in Mexico during her bachelorette getaway).
     But a trip like this before the wedding is his prerogative, as long as he can contribute as agreed to the wedding/honeymoon.

    If you two haven't been out of the country yet, does he even have a passport to make this trip? 


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    Peaseblossom55Peaseblossom55 mod
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    I would be upset too, if I were you.  I would kind of hope that a honeymoon would take precedence for planning over a bachelor party.  Although I do understand in chronological order the bachelor party will come first. 

    You posted some other comments before that have raised red flags about your relationship with each other.  I know you said you don't want to hear but if your FI reacts the way you say he does to conflict I would be focusing more on that than the whole trip issue.

    Anniversary

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    TeriBeri06TeriBeri06 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2014

    @Peaseblossom55 We're working on his communication issues we really are. So, I guess for me that isn't the issue as I kind of expect him to be momentarily unreasonable when conflict arises because if it were his choice, he'd avoid it all together. Being able to talk talk to each other is extremely important for me and he hasn't learned how to do that...most of us have parents who teach us how to talk to people or maybe examples of how not to talk to people. His parents, however, just don't speak at all. It's a process, but I can be patient with him as long asd he continues to put forth effort in being better, and acknowledges that he could have done something better.

    @Wabanzi He is in the process of getting a passport...and I felt like it took precedence because he immediately starting figuring out logistics for that and to my knowledge hadn't done so for the honeymoon. He knew how he'd get a plane ticket, he had calculated his vacay days...to put it simply it seemed that that was his prority in my eyes...Kind of hurt my feelings.

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    wabanziwabanzi member
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    TeriBeri06 said:

    @Peaseblossom55 We're working on his communication issues we really are. So, I guess for me that isn't the issue as I kind of expect him to be momentarily unreasonable when conflict arises because if it were his choice, he'd avoid it all together. Being able to talk talk to each other is extremely important for me and he hasn't learned how to do that...most of us have parents who teach us how to talk to people or maybe examples of how not to talk to people. His parents, however, just don't speak at all. It's a process, but I can be patient with him as long asd he continues to put forth effort in being better, and acknowledges that he could have done something better.

    @Wabanzi He is in the process of getting a passport...and I felt like it took precedence because he immediately starting figuring out logistics for that and to my knowledge hadn't done so for the honeymoon. He knew how he'd get a plane ticket, he had calculated his vacay days...to put it simply it seemed that that was his prority in my eyes...Kind of hurt my feelings.

    I see, so it is him actively planning it, not his best man.  That would bug me if my FI hadn't even started the honeymoon planning (if that was on his ToDo list).  Let him know you want to plan the honeymoon first and that needs to take priority over other trips.  

    You should also discuss expectations/limits on your respective parties.  When I hear of bachelor parties in DR I think of this http://www.drnights.com/bachelor-party#.UtAfcP3jiuc -which may or may not be what he is planning.  For me, I would not marry my FI if he did one of these (linked) trips b/c that is my expectation/limit. Everyone is different though.  

    You could always get with your MoH and plan to go with him and have a joint party in the DR.  I bet that would change his plans pretty quickly, ha ha.
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    Peaseblossom55Peaseblossom55 mod
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    I think if you have to worry about a bachelor party and what your FI will do, there are some trust issues there and you shouldn't be getting married...

    Anniversary

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    wabanziwabanzi member
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    Peaseblossom55 said:
    I think if you have to worry about a bachelor party and what your FI will do, there are some trust issues there and you shouldn't be getting married…
    Agree-sort of.  I am always surprised by the number of men and women who really don't know what their partner's definition of cheating/limits are.  Couples need to have that talk.  

    OP didn't bring up this issue, so I don't know if that is a concern or not.  I brought it up b/c I have been to the DR and seen these parties in action.  Perhaps I shouldn't have provided the warning since no advice was requested for that issue. My apologies if the warning is not necessary/needed.
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    Peaseblossom55Peaseblossom55 mod
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    wabanzi said:
    Peaseblossom55 said:
    I think if you have to worry about a bachelor party and what your FI will do, there are some trust issues there and you shouldn't be getting married…
    Agree-sort of.  I am always surprised by the number of men and women who really don't know what their partner's definition of cheating/limits are.  Couples need to have that talk.  

    OP didn't bring up this issue, so I don't know if that is a concern or not.  I brought it up b/c I have been to the DR and seen these parties in action.  Perhaps I shouldn't have provided the warning since no advice was requested for that issue. My apologies if the warning is not necessary/needed.
     

    So true it's different for every couple.  I know I can trust FI 100% if I spent his entire bachelor party worrried he was going to cheat, I think it's a bad start to a marriage.  FI went to a bachelor party where they were going to a strip club. I said I was fine with it as long as there was no touching, I said look all you want.  He said when he came back he spent the whole time by the bar talking with some of the other guys who just weren't interested in the strip club thing. Setting boundaries is probably a good idea though.

    Anniversary

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