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Wedding Woes

Guest List Drama

Our wedding is at the end of March, and the only thing we've had drama/stress about is the stupid wedding list.  I originally wanted a small wedding, but after realizing how big my fiance's family is I accepted that we are going to have a bigger wedding.  We are already sending invitations to 250 people, which may not seem big to everyone but for me that is very big.  

Well 2 days ago (keep in mind the wedding is in 2 1/2 months), my fiance's uncle e-mailed him and said that his daughter (who is much older than my fiance, and does not live in the same state) will be in town with her husband and their FIVE kids for spring break and would love to be invited to the wedding.  Number one, I couldn't believe how rude it was to basically invite someone to another person's wedding, and SEVEN extra people at that.  I didn't know what else we could say, so we said that we would invite them.  But I was just shocked, and it really bothers me that someone would do that.  

Now, my fiance's godmother (who was his mom's best friend) is helping with the shower guest list and she asked me if we should invite my fiance's sister-in-law's mother.  I told her that she wasn't even invited to the wedding.  His godmother then said that we really should invite her because she was close to my fiance's mother (who passed away almost 4 years ago) and put flowers on her grave this Christmas.  I'm sorry, and I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, but we cannot invite EVERY person who his mom was close to!  When we first started the guest list my fiance's godmother asked us to invited 6 women that his mother was very close to her entire life, and I did that gladly even though we were trying to have a small wedding because I know it was important to her.  Now she wants us to invite my future sister-in-law's mother, who lives in the same town as us and I have never even met, so it's not like she's close to the family... and she has also mentioned a few other people that we should invite that were "close" to his mom.  

I don't know how else I can tell people that our guest list is closed without being rude... but I seriously think I will lose my mind if one more person either 1) asks us to invite someone else to OUR wedding or 2) tells me that his mom would've wanted someone there.  I think that's ultimate low blow because there's literally nothing I can say to rebuke that and it's really unfair to guilt trip me/us.  I feel like a brat complaining about this, but I'm seriously about to lose it...

Re: Guest List Drama

  • hlvonbhlvonb member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited January 2014
    Ditto what @mobkaz said.

    I would be a slap in the face to them. Kind of like saying you're good enough to come to my shower and give me gifts but not good enough to come to my wedding.


    Edited: Hit post comment before I was done.
  • I think OP's problem is more about inviting wedding guests than shower guests (godmother now wants FSIL's mom invited to the wedding, not just the shower).  The answer to this one is just as simple: "I'm sorry but our guest list is closed.  We simply can't accommodate anyone else at this time."  If you feel like you must give a reason, tell a white lie: "We have already reached the venue maximum and cannot fit any more chairs/ cannot feed any more people."

    The only situation in which someone else can dictate your guest list is if they are paying for your wedding.  Unless the uncle and godmother are contributing, you are well within your rights to politely but firmly tell them that more guests cannot be accommodated.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I think OP's issue is that she knows anyone invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding and she doesn't want to invite these people to either, which is fine.

    You and your FI need to present a united front in saying to his godmother, 'I'm sorry, but the guest list is closed, as is the discussion about it.'

    And your FI really needs to have your back in saying to this woman, 'Enough is enough. We are not inviting more people you think Mom would have wanted there.'
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    i missed why the guest list to the wedding is even a discussion with these random family members.

     

    you can advise godmother shower host that certain people are not invited to the wedding, and leave it at that. if she has an opinion on your guest list, just tell her than you, but the guest list is already closed. (the end). it doesn't need to be a dragged out drama. people will have opinions, not all will share them. just let is go. have your FI start responding to these people.

  • Don't talk about your guest list with anyone other than your FI. If a guest asks to invite someone else let the guest (who's being incredibly rude!) know that you are unable to invite anyone else. I wouldn't give them a reason unless they become really pushy as some people view it as something they could fix, ie you can't afford to host anyone else then the pushy person may think they can throw money at you to fix it.

    As for his godmother, together you need to let her know that the guest list is closed and that only people you are inviting to the wedding are to be invited to the shower. If she pushes back and tells you that she'll invite the extra people anyways you should decline the shower.
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  • All of the PP's have excellent advice.  Stop talking about the guest list with other family members and when pressed all you need to say is "Well we've already finalized the guest list and there is no extra room".  Unless these family members are paying for the wedding, they have no say in the list.  AND you have every right to walk away or ignore repeat requests since they are being extremely rude.   Since it sounds like it's mainly your FI's family, you need to get him involved in the situation as well. 
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  • That has been of an issue for me as well. You can't make everyone happy and why should you invite someone who isn't close to you or your fiance . It's about you and not everyone else.
  • I hate when people try and invite themselves! This happened to me and I just didn't respond to the e-mail. When they tried to call, I screened their calls and didn't answer the phone. I felt super bad about it but then I realized that they are the ones in the wrong. I'm sick of some people thinking that weddings are like a potluck at someone's house...you can't just show up and expect there to be a spot for you to sit, food for you to eat and liquor for you to drink.

     

  • I hate when people try and invite themselves! This happened to me and I just didn't respond to the e-mail. When they tried to call, I screened their calls and didn't answer the phone. I felt super bad about it but then I realized that they are the ones in the wrong. I'm sick of some people thinking that weddings are like a potluck at someone's house...you can't just show up and expect there to be a spot for you to sit, food for you to eat and liquor for you to drink.


    *stuck in the box*

    Soooo many people see weddings as this though. At least in my experience that's what they see. I don't know what it is but most of the weddings I've seen (going to personally AND here at my work place) most of the guests I've encountered are here for the free food and alcohol. They don't give a shit about the ceremony or the couple being in love and happy, etc.

    And yes I hate it when I hear about people just inviting themselves. Or in laws (when they are not paying for anything) try to add or minus people to the guest list. The problem we encountered with FI's mother is that her memory isn't that good so when we did the guest list with her she told me to take someone off (with good reason) and I was like okay. But then she invites the woman to my surprise shower!!! o.O So i'm like...wth?!?! When I brought it up she made comment "I never said that....did i?" I slammed my head against the desk when I read that message...lol
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  • The answer is "no". Simply put, "our guest list has already been finalized."
  • The answer is "no". Simply put, "our guest list has already been finalized."
    Said the same thing to FMIL the other day.  Our invites had already gone out (wedding is 3/15) and she wanted to add on additional people.  I told her no, our guest list is finalized, closed and invites mailed.  She kept ranting about it and I said that she should have said something when I asked for final updates to the list 2 months ago!  She is still pissy about it and constantly asking FI if she can invite more people.  We're standing firm, that's for sure.

    To OP: Say no to everything and be done with it.  No one has say over your guest list except for you and FI.  Especially since your wedding is in 2 1/2 months.  Next time someone says something, tell them that you closed your guest list weeks ago and no additions will be made.  Period. 
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    image172 Invites sent
    image 132 adults and 3 kids are party animals
    image 40 are party poopers
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    Need 8 adults to make minimum.  Eek.
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