Too Many BMs Too Soon

sharnese21 · January 2014

When my FI and I first became engaged we selected 6 BMs and 6 GMs. As we have gotten further along in our planning and finalized our budget we realized we have too many BMs and GMs. This is not a problem so far as the GMs are concerned because my FI has not asked any of the ppl he has been considering to be a GM. However, this is a major problem with the BMs as WE have asked all 6 ladies we were considering to be a BM. How do we go about letting the BMs know that we have decided to drop the number of members in our wedding party. I understand that those who will be eliminated will be hurt, upset, offended, etc. We have 1 BM a close friend who has stated on numerous occasions that she never wanted to be a BM but "would do it for me." She has also stated that she does not want to do anything but purchase her dress and show up on the day of. We have had issues with another BM since day one. She has not shown up to any of the bridal appointments and refuses to answer any phone calls.

KPBM89 · January 2014

sharnese21 said:

When my FI and I first became engaged we selected 6 BMs and 6 GMs. As we have gotten further along in our planning and finalized our budget we realized we have too many BMs and GMs. This is not a problem so far as the GMs are concerned because my FI has not asked any of the ppl he has been considering to be a GM. However, this is a major problem with the BMs as WE have asked all 6 ladies we were considering to be a BM. How do we go about letting the BMs know that we have decided to drop the number of members in our wedding party. I understand that those who will be eliminated will be hurt, upset, offended, etc. We have 1 BM a close friend who has stated on numerous occasions that she never wanted to be a BM but "would do it for me." She has also stated that she does not want to do anything but purchase her dress and show up on the day of. We have had issues with another BM since day one. She has not shown up to any of the bridal appointments and refuses to answer any phone calls.

You cannot do this without ruining friendships. Plain and simple. This is the reason you should never ask your party until later on in planning as relationships change, people move, life happens, etc. Also, I'm curious how this is affecting your budget?

To the bolded: what else exactly are you expecting she do? The only requirements of a BM are: buy dress, show up.

sharnese21 · January 2014

hoppersgirl25 said:

sharnese21 said:

When my FI and I first became engaged we selected 6 BMs and 6 GMs. As we have gotten further along in our planning and finalized our budget we realized we have too many BMs and GMs. This is not a problem so far as the GMs are concerned because my FI has not asked any of the ppl he has been considering to be a GM. However, this is a major problem with the BMs as WE have asked all 6 ladies we were considering to be a BM. How do we go about letting the BMs know that we have decided to drop the number of members in our wedding party. I understand that those who will be eliminated will be hurt, upset, offended, etc. We have 1 BM a close friend who has stated on numerous occasions that she never wanted to be a BM but "would do it for me." She has also stated that she does not want to do anything but purchase her dress and show up on the day of. We have had issues with another BM since day one. She has not shown up to any of the bridal appointments and refuses to answer any phone calls.

You cannot do this without ruining friendships. Plain and simple. This is the reason you should never ask your party until later on in planning as relationships change, people move, life happens, etc. Also, I'm curious how this is affecting your budget?
To the bolded: what else exactly are you expecting she do? The only requirements of a BM are: buy dress, show up.

sharnese21 · January 2014

sharnese21 said:

hoppersgirl25 said:

sharnese21 said:

When my FI and I first became engaged we selected 6 BMs and 6 GMs. As we have gotten further along in our planning and finalized our budget we realized we have too many BMs and GMs. This is not a problem so far as the GMs are concerned because my FI has not asked any of the ppl he has been considering to be a GM. However, this is a major problem with the BMs as WE have asked all 6 ladies we were considering to be a BM. How do we go about letting the BMs know that we have decided to drop the number of members in our wedding party. I understand that those who will be eliminated will be hurt, upset, offended, etc. We have 1 BM a close friend who has stated on numerous occasions that she never wanted to be a BM but "would do it for me." She has also stated that she does not want to do anything but purchase her dress and show up on the day of. We have had issues with another BM since day one. She has not shown up to any of the bridal appointments and refuses to answer any phone calls.

You cannot do this without ruining friendships. Plain and simple. This is the reason you should never ask your party until later on in planning as relationships change, people move, life happens, etc. Also, I'm curious how this is affecting your budget?
To the bolded: what else exactly are you expecting she do? The only requirements of a BM are: buy dress, show up.

doeydo · January 2014

You can't kick someone out of the wedding party unless you are prepared for that friendship to end. And the PP was right, all that a BM is required to do is buy a dress (you should ask all your BMs in private what their budget is and then pick a dress within that lowest budget) and show up for the wedding. Throwing/hosting any parties, helping you plan, doing DIY, etc. are all strictly voluntary and should not be expected from the bride. Also, only talking wedding with your friend is a surefire way to get her to not call you back. No one is as excited about your wedding except for you and your FI. Sorry, but it is the truth.

OliveOilsMom · January 2014

The only cost that can be associated with the WP can be flowers and WP gifts. There are ways to save money on bouquets/bouts. There are many alternative things that can be made DIY to be used as bouquets/bouts and they would be cheaper than live flowers. Also, WP gifts do not have to be super expensive items. If you are on a tight budget, a heartfelt note can go a long way.

If you ask these ladies to not be BMs anymore this could totally ruin your relationships. The only way that you could possibly get away with this is if you tell all the ladies, that you decided to go without any WP. Then don't ask anyone to stand up for you. Just privately ask 2 people to serve as witnesses to sign the license after your ceremony. Because if you pick and choose who to leave in and kick out of your BP, there will be lots of hurt feelings.

AddieCake · January 2014

Yep. Either include them all and scale back on their bouquets and gifts or have no wedding party.

Blue_Bird · January 2014

You do not.

If you are worried about your budget, you can simplify things. First of all, the number of groomsmen need not match the number of bridesmaids, so he doesn't have to ask all six unless he wants to. You don't have to privide attire for them. Just give them a color and fabric and have them choose their own dress. Even better- basic black. The men can choose a nice black suit with a cohesive tie. They don't need to carry flowers, but if you'd like, they can carry a single stem. That would save money. You don't need to spend a lot on bridal party gifts. Even taking them out to lunch and a handwritten note of thanks would be appropriate and appreciated. Finally, most people don't need a rehearsal unless they have a complicated religious ceremony, so you can skip the rehearsal dinner. Even if you must have one, you can do pizza or subs at your home. Simple and inexpensive.

KPBM89 · January 2014

You can skip the makeup artist or hair stylist or favors that you have already booked to accommodate for your WP. It's better to keep your friendships than to have perfect makeup IMO.

My bridal party is full of people that mean the world to me! I'd rather give them wonderful treats than to have my hair done by a professional.

ETA: You quoted me but never actually responded....?

jenna8984 · January 2014

@addiel73 & @hoppersgirl25 - I constantly see on here that all BM are required to do are "get a dress, show up, and smile". I've been in a number of weddings and they all involved shopping with the bride, helping the bride make centerpieces, plan and split costs of bridal shower, plan and split costs of bachelorette party. I know these things are TECHNICALLY not required, but I would feel like a huge bitch if all the other bridesmaids were doing these events for the bride and I opted out. That really wouldn't be fair to burden the others further by not contributing. You know what I mean, if 5 others are planning the shower and I say Naah I don't have to do that I will look like a shitty friend. And I definitely feel like sitting out the shower and bach party would have the bride saying "then why did you agree if you don't want to do these things?" I know they are in the handbook as unrequired, but it is kind of just a silent rule that you partake in these things.

Viczaesar · January 2014

jenna8984 said:

@addiel73 & @hoppersgirl25 - I constantly see on here that all BM are required to do are "get a dress, show up, and smile". I've been in a number of weddings and they all involved shopping with the bride, helping the bride make centerpieces, plan and split costs of bridal shower, plan and split costs of bachelorette party. I know these things are TECHNICALLY not required, but I would feel like a huge bitch if all the other bridesmaids were doing these events for the bride and I opted out. That really wouldn't be fair to burden the others further by not contributing. You know what I mean, if 5 others are planning the shower and I say Naah I don't have to do that I will look like a shitty friend. And I definitely feel like sitting out the shower and bach party would have the bride saying "then why did you agree if you don't want to do these things?" I know they are in the handbook as unrequired, but it is kind of just a silent rule that you partake in these things.

That's fine. You can go ahead and feel like a huge bitch if you choose not to do those things when you're a bridesmaid. What you can't do is consider your friend a huge bitch for choosing not to do those things, as they are not required. If somebody considers you a shitty friend for not wanting to or not being able to spend hundreds of dollars on an optional party, for example, they're being a dillhole. You're not burdening anyone else at all; they are all equally able to decide whether or not they want to or are able to pitch in to throw a party, and if so how much they can afford. There is no silent rule that you partake in any of that extra crap. It's extra, meaning extraneous and not at all mandatory.

AddieCake · January 2014

@jenna8984

I would do those things with the bride, too, because I enjoy that kind of stuff. Liking weddings and wedding-related things is why I'm still on this forum after my wedding.

But I would never ASK my bridesmaids or EXPECT them to do that, and I would find it off-putting if it were asked or expected of me. I would VOLUNTEER my services. One of my bridesmaids volunteered to help me with the favors. That conversation went like this:

Her:"What are you doing later?"

Me:"I think I'm gonna do the favors."

Her:"Hey, let me get a bottle of wine and come over and we can do them together."

Me: "Cool, if you want!"

My other bridesmaid and I did not have this conversation, and guess what? I don't think any less of her for it or think the helping bridesmaid was any better of a friend or bridesmaid.

It does not burden other bridesmaids if someone does not contribute b/c these things are not required. It's not like a group project in school where everyone is responsible for helping and contributing. The helping bridesmaids are not required to do so. They CHOOSE to do so, either by volunteering or by allowing themselves to be forced to by the bride. The world does not stop turning b/c a friend is getting married. Sometimes people do not have time, finances, or interest in participating in all things wedding.

jenna8984 · January 2014

good points thanks!

jenna8984 · January 2014

Also, I think not enough brides come on places like this and do any type of research so they ASSUME that these are part of the required duties. Like before I got engaged in October I had never been on this website. So the prior weddings I was in, I just went along with because I was like "well I've never been in a wedding and these girls have so if they say we contribute to the bridal shower then I guess we do". A lot of them had the attitude that we must, so I really think they just don't know better and would have turned on me if I opted out lol

AddieCake · January 2014

jenna8984 said:

Also, I think not enough brides come on places like this and do any type of research so they ASSUME that these are part of the required duties. Like before I got engaged in October I had never been on this website. So the prior weddings I was in, I just went along with because I was like "well I've never been in a wedding and these girls have so if they say we contribute to the bridal shower then I guess we do". A lot of them had the attitude that we must, so I really think they just don't know better and would have turned on me if I opted out lol

Exactly. Many people only know what they have seen on TV or movies or what they read in bridal magazines or blogs or what so and so did. It's all part of the wedding industry, which is looking to make money, and the more things they make brides think they need to have or need to have happen, the more money they make.

Thank you, Jenna, for graciously accepting the responses and not turning into a BSC special snowflake over them.

jenniferurs · January 2014

I can't ..

jenna8984 · January 2014

Exactly. Many people only know what they have seen on TV or movies or what they read in bridal magazines or blogs or what so and so did. It's all part of the wedding industry, which is looking to make money, and the more things they make brides think they need to have or need to have happen, the more money they make.

Thank you, Jenna, for graciously accepting the responses and not turning into a BSC special snowflake over them.

hahhaah thank you! I am a very casual, laid back bride so I don't expect anything out of my 2 maids except showing up. I was just wondering for the ones I was a BM in because I always thought these were necessary events and expenses and now it's nice to know for the future that I am allowed to say no.

cmiles89 · January 2014

I don't know if this would work (huge huge IF) but I honestly think you can draw the line at family. Close family, like siblings. If my BF (who I'm MOH to coming up in December) came to me and said they chose to only have siblings stand up due to budget and such, etc etc we're very sorry we still want you to celebrate with us- I would be disappointed but not heart broken or ready to drop the friendship.

climbingsingle · January 2014

You can't kick out people you've already asked. Seriously - how is this even a question?

aurianna · January 2014

cmiles89 said:

I don't know if this would work (huge huge IF) but I honestly think you can draw the line at family. Close family, like siblings. If my BF (who I'm MOH to coming up in December) came to me and said they chose to only have siblings stand up due to budget and such, etc etc we're very sorry we still want you to celebrate with us- I would be disappointed but not heart broken or ready to drop the friendship.

The problem is there is no good reason for her dropping anybody.

If you skip the rehearsal, the only "mandatory" costs for wedding party members are something to carry down the aisle and a gift. If even that is getting too expensive... then take the money out of other areas that don't impact the guests like decor or the dress. Or get a cheaper venue.

By kicking out a bridal party member for "budget reasons", you are essentially telling the kicked out members that:

1. I don't like you as well as I like the people I'm not kicking out.
2. I don't like you as much as I like having a pretty dress and decorations.
3. Despite the fact that you agreed to do a huge favor for me (standing up with me at my wedding), I'm going to go back on my commitment to you, which makes me a crappy friend.

Why would you ever tell someone you loved enough to ask to be a bridesmaid, something like that?
And what else in your wedding could possibly be more deserving of budget than the feelings of those closest to you?

Too Many BMs Too Soon

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