FMIL issues

Re: FMIL issues

• afox007 member

  

  January 2014

  If you have a good relationship with your FMIL and want her there it is completely ok to invite her. Your sister and MOH are already included so it's not like it was originally a mother-daughter thing you cancelled. 

  
  

  Consider yourself lucky that you have a FMIL that you want to invite along; mine will not even see the dress until the ceremony because I know any opinion she has will be negative. 

  

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• smalfrie19 member

  

  January 2014

  If you feel comfortable having her there, it should be a non issue..

  

  
  

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• deemarie072813 member

  

  January 2014

  yeah i do have a good relationship with her and i want it to go since she is going to be my mother in law and the grandmother to my children - and i kind of wanted her and my mother to get closer ... but my mom just wanted her my sister and MOH there and thats it - idk i just want to make everyone happy! haha thats my issue that i tend to have 

  
  

  ahh well see thats how my mom is - my mom said she shouldnt see you until you walk down the aisle .. oh well my wedding and there is no wrong or right way to do things - right? lol 

  
  

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• smalfrie19 member

  

  January 2014

  deemarie72813 said:

  yeah i do have a good relationship with her and i want it to go since she is going to be my mother in law and the grandmother to my children - and i kind of wanted her and my mother to get closer ... but my mom just wanted her my sister and MOH there and thats it - idk i just want to make everyone happy! haha thats my issue that i tend to have 

  
  

  ahh well see thats how my mom is - my mom said she shouldnt see you until you walk down the aisle .. oh well my wedding and there is no wrong or right way to do things - right? lol 

  
  

  For the most part.
  

  

  
  

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• melbelleup member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  deemarie72813 said:

  is it ok that I invited my FMIL to go wedding dress shopping with my mom sister and MOH?

  
  

  my mom is kind of taken back and asking why ?? and i just told her i just thought it would be nice for her to be involved --

  
  

  yeah i understand that its like a mother daughter bond type deal and what not but i kind of want his mom their you know ... 

  
  

  is that wrong of me bc i want that??

  
  

  thanks

  
  

  danielle

  It is perfectly fine. My FMIL has no daughters of her own. I invited her along to it, but unfortunately due to her work she couldn't make it. That being said, I did go dress shopping in the middle of the week. I picked middle of the week because regardless my mom took the whole week off when we were in town to spend it with us. I would of loved my FMIL to be involved in it.
  
  ETA: my FMIL actually knows more about the wedding than my own mother because she wants to know it where my mom could care less what my card box looks like lol
  

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2014

  My FMIL came wedding dress shopping. In fact, because she lives in Florida, I purposely waited until I knew she'd be in town and then I asked her what day she could come. She was really happy to be included (she only has sons and has told me so many times how happy she is to have a daughter now. It's really sweet). 

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• MobKaz member

  

  January 2014

  My daughter invited her FMIL as well. She was not able to join us, but did join us when the dress arrived. She cried like a baby. I understand your mom may want to keep such an "event" private, but gently remind her that emotions run both ways. Many MOG's fear they are losing their sons to the family of the bride.

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• vt&dt member

  

  January 2014

  I went shopping a few times, and my FMIL was invited every time - she lives a few hours away, so only was able to make it one time.  She and my mom get along really well, though.  

  
  

  I don't think your mom should be upset that you're trying to include her.  

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• jdluvr06 member

  

  January 2014

  My FMIL went with me. I went with her, my mom, and my sister. It was nice. I don't think it is weird at all.

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• jenniferurs member

  

  January 2014

  Your mom is just feeling possessive, which is natural in these circumstances, but if you want your FMIL there, it's ultimately up to you, and your mom will have to let those feelings go.

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• sarahufl member

  

  January 2014

  My FMIL came. I specifically saved shopping till Thanksgiving so I could go with my mom, sister (MOH) and FMIL. It was fun and she really appreciated it.
  
  It was when I started to learn that FMIL is WAAAAAAY more traditional than I am and it is starting to bug me. She was shocked I wasn't doing a bouquet/garter toss and wanted me to wear something really formal (ended up with a somewhat casual, although beautiful dress). We are hosting a welcome party the night before the wedding at my parent's house and she was shocked that I would want to be out late the night before my wedding. She asked if I would prefer to "take a hot bath and go to bed early instead" um, no thanks. I want to party with my friends and family!
  

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2014

  I completely understand where your mom is coming from. It is considered a mother-daughter thing and inviting your FMIL could make her feel almost like she is in competition. However if you and your FMIL have a close relationship and it would mean a lot to you to have her there then you just have to let your mom know that while also letter her know your FMIL will never take her place. Just be careful once you're actually out sopping, that's when hurt feelings may come out. Just make sure to always ask your mom her opinion first and not to make her feel excluded in anyway. Good luck!

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• ktjanesmom member

  

  January 2014

  I think you should have asked your mom first.  When my daughter got married 5 years ago, her and I went alone a couple of times. she brought girlfriends one other time  Her FMIL lived in Boston so that was a non issue but I know I would have felt taken aback had she been asked to go along.  Ive been my daughters mom her whole life, why do I have to share this time with another woman, is what I would have been asking myself.   Now I am the FMIL and my FDIL did not ask me to go along. It was just her and her mom and I completely understood that. 
  

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• deemarie072813 member

  

  January 2014

  thanks everyone for the comments  

  
  

  im happy with my decision that i asked my FMIL - she doesnt have any daughters and she only has 2 sons so her coming with me means a lot to her and also me.. he looks to me as a daughter.

  
  

  thanks again!

  
  

  happy planning!

  
  

   

  xo 

  Dee

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• jenniferurs member

  

  January 2014

  ktjanesmom said:

  I think you should have asked your mom first.  When my daughter got married 5 years ago, her and I went alone a couple of times. she brought girlfriends one other time  Her FMIL lived in Boston so that was a non issue but I know I would have felt taken aback had she been asked to go along.  Ive been my daughters mom her whole life, why do I have to share this time with another woman, is what I would have been asking myself.   Now I am the FMIL and my FDIL did not ask me to go along. It was just her and her mom and I completely understood that. 
  

  I mean this with all due respect, but I just don't understand this line of thought. I don't understand why you can't enjoy the experience with your daughter if another woman were around. Did you feel the same way about her other girlfriends joining you?

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• pumpkinsandturkeys member

  

  January 2014

  jenniferurs said:

  I think you should have asked your mom first.  When my daughter got married 5 years ago, her and I went alone a couple of times. she brought girlfriends one other time  Her FMIL lived in Boston so that was a non issue but I know I would have felt taken aback had she been asked to go along.  Ive been my daughters mom her whole life, why do I have to share this time with another woman, is what I would have been asking myself.   Now I am the FMIL and my FDIL did not ask me to go along. It was just her and her mom and I completely understood that. 
  

  I mean this with all due respect, but I just don't understand this line of thought. I don't understand why you can't enjoy the experience with your daughter if another woman were around. Did you feel the same way about her other girlfriends joining you?

  I agree with @jenniferurs -- it shouldn't undermine the experience. Also, this woman isn't a random person; rather, she is the mother of the groom and as such, is becoming part of the bride's family. For the bride to want to share that with her is an acknowledgment that she also has a special place in their lives.

  
  

  I tend to get a little miffed when parents of the bridal couple make certain events more about themselves than about the couple getting married. They generally want to make everyone they love happy and feel included, and sometimes, you have to put aside personal feelings and remember that it's about them.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• jenniferurs member

  

  January 2014

  pumpkinsandturkeys said:

  
  

  jenniferurs said:

  
  

  ktjanesmom said:

  I think you should have asked your mom first.  When my daughter got married 5 years ago, her and I went alone a couple of times. she brought girlfriends one other time  Her FMIL lived in Boston so that was a non issue but I know I would have felt taken aback had she been asked to go along.  Ive been my daughters mom her whole life, why do I have to share this time with another woman, is what I would have been asking myself.   Now I am the FMIL and my FDIL did not ask me to go along. It was just her and her mom and I completely understood that. 
  

  I mean this with all due respect, but I just don't understand this line of thought. I don't understand why you can't enjoy the experience with your daughter if another woman were around. Did you feel the same way about her other girlfriends joining you?

  
  

  I agree with @jenniferurs -- it shouldn't undermine the experience. Also, this woman isn't a random person; rather, she is the mother of the groom and as such, is becoming part of the bride's family. For the bride to want to share that with her is an acknowledgment that she also has a special place in their lives.

  
  

  I tend to get a little miffed when parents of the bridal couple make certain events more about themselves than about the couple getting married. They generally want to make everyone they love happy and feel included, and sometimes, you have to put aside personal feelings and remember that it's about them.

  
  
  Perfectly, perfectly stated.

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• cruffino member

  

  January 2014

  My FMIL joined my me, my mom, and my sister. We had fun and she was happy to be included.

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• MobKaz member

  

  January 2014

  jenniferurs said:

  jenniferurs said:

  I think you should have asked your mom first.  When my daughter got married 5 years ago, her and I went alone a couple of times. she brought girlfriends one other time  Her FMIL lived in Boston so that was a non issue but I know I would have felt taken aback had she been asked to go along.  Ive been my daughters mom her whole life, why do I have to share this time with another woman, is what I would have been asking myself.   Now I am the FMIL and my FDIL did not ask me to go along. It was just her and her mom and I completely understood that. 
  

  I mean this with all due respect, but I just don't understand this line of thought. I don't understand why you can't enjoy the experience with your daughter if another woman were around. Did you feel the same way about her other girlfriends joining you?

  I agree with @jenniferurs -- it shouldn't undermine the experience. Also, this woman isn't a random person; rather, she is the mother of the groom and as such, is becoming part of the bride's family. For the bride to want to share that with her is an acknowledgment that she also has a special place in their lives.

  
  

  I tend to get a little miffed when parents of the bridal couple make certain events more about themselves than about the couple getting married. They generally want to make everyone they love happy and feel included, and sometimes, you have to put aside personal feelings and remember that it's about them.

  Perfectly, perfectly stated.

  Agree.  I have been both a MOG and MOB.  My daughter and her husband met the last year of high school!  I got to know my SIL very well.  He practically lived with us.  His mom was very insecure and worried that my daughter would never feel the same way about her as he does about me.  She also feared she was "losing him" to our family.  I cannot tell you how much it meant to her, and reassured her, to be invited to the dress shopping events.  

  
  

  My DIL actually found her dress one day while shopping alone.  She is a transplant from Maryland.  She has not lived there in 8 years, and only saw her folks once or twice a year at best.  I at least was able to see her and my son maybe 4 or 5 times each year.  (They were MD/PhD students and had horrid schedules.)  If anyone had a right to mother-daughter time, it was certainly them.  But when her dress arrived, it coincided with a time her mom was in town visiting.  I was still invited to join them.  

  
  

  It's not about us (the parents).  Don't look for trouble where there isn't any to find.

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  I didn't go dress shopping (I wore my aunt's dress), but if I had, I would have only taken my mother and my SIL.

  
  

  Quite apart from the fact that DH's grandmother (who raised him) hates me, I don't do well in large crowds or small rooms or overwhelming situations -- all of which describe dress shopping. 

  
  

  I had a panic attack while helping a friend dress shop, for God's sake. 

  
  

  But, I did go shopping with a friend who took her mother and FMIL, because she had a really good relationship with them both and wanted them both there, and I thought that was sweet.

  
  

  I think this is one of those things where you cannot read a slight into it either way -- if you're the FMIL, don't take offence if you weren't invited and if you're MOB, don't take offence if MOG was invited.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• ktjanesmom member

  

  January 2014

  I am just telling you how I felt.  Other women feel differently.  And I dont have to justify my feelings.  Had it been possible for her to be there, I honestly don't know if she would have been invited to go along. But I can tell you, if my daughter wanted her there, of course I would have welcomed her with open arms. 
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2014

  ktjanesmom said:

  I am just telling you how I felt.  Other women feel differently.  And I dont have to justify my feelings.  Had it been possible for her to be there, I honestly don't know if she would have been invited to go along. But I can tell you, if my daughter wanted her there, of course I would have welcomed her with open arms. 
  

  You said in your first post that you would have been taken aback if your daughter asked her MIL to come along. You also said:

   Ive been my daughters mom her whole life, why do I have to share this time with another woman, is what I would have been asking myself.
  

  
  

  That equates to welcoming her with open arms? 

  
  

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