Being Selective with Kids?

Laurenbiz · January 2014

Hi all! This is my "is it rude?" question, now that I'm almost ready to send out invites.

I have a lot of cousins, several in particular who now have kids. I'm considering two guy cousins, Bob and Joe, I'll call them. Both are married, so of course their wives are on the guest list. Bob has one toddler-age daughter, whom I have met at several family functions. I would like to invite her.

Joe, though, has two or three kids. See? I've lost count. He and his wife got married at a courthouse, and I honestly have never met her. I do have Joe on my guest list because we were really close back when we were teens, and of course he's family. But, I don't know anything about his kids, so to limit my guest count, I don't want to include his kids.

BUT, is it rude that some cousins' kids are invited, and some cousins' kids are NOT invited?

PS: Bob and Joe are also cousins to each other.

Mitch617 · January 2014

Can you make the toddler daughter the flower girl? I think it would be rude to invite some cousins kids but not others. But if she is part of the wedding party that could make more sense.

Jen4948 · January 2014

I think you're going to get differing answers on this from different people.

Some will tell you to invite in circles and that means that you have to go all or nothing with your cousins' kids. There will be those posting who will say something like "If you can fit in Joe's kids, why not if you are inviting Bob's daughter?"

Others will tell you that you can be selective.

I myself think it's not rude to not invite people even though others in the same degree of relationship to you are invited, provided you don't split up SOs or siblings who are close in age. That's me though.

KatWAG · January 2014

Invite whomever you want, just be preapred for backlash.

I am a believer in inviting in circles.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

Can you make the toddler daughter the flower girl? I think it would be rude to invite some cousins kids but not others. But if she is part of the wedding party that could make more sense.

Sorry but this is a bad idea. You shouldn't just add her as a flower girl to get around the awkward "well I want to invite her but not my other cousins kids" issue.

OP you can invite who you want but just know that your one cousin may be a bit peeved that his kids weren't invited when the other cousins kid was.

lyndausvi · January 2014

Can you? Sure. Should you? That really depends on your family dynamics. I find when it comes to kids inviting in circles are the best way. Cousin is less likely to get upset that your nephew is there than his than if a mutual cousin's kid is there and not his.

Mitch617 · January 2014

I don't mean make her flower girl just to justify not inviting others, but wondering if she has considered that yet if she feels close to the daughter or her parents. If you don't want a flower girl of already have a young girl closer to you who is flower girl, I would say just don't invite children of cousins. The parents might be relieved for a night out without them!

photokitty · January 2014

As PPs said, circles are the cleanest way to invite. But you don't' have to. If Bob and Joe were brothers it would be more important to go the circle route, but since they aren't I think it gives you a little more leeway. We invited all my cousins and their kids. We did not invite all DH's. We invited cousin's kid's on his mom's side, but not his dad's. DH and more so his parents made the call and they had their reasons, I just honored the requests.

If you don't want to invite them you don't have too…especially if you have a relationship with the kids you are inviting. We invited some of our friends' kids, but not all of them. We invited the ones who call us aunt or uncle and not the ones we never see.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

Can you make the toddler daughter the flower girl? I think it would be rude to invite some cousins kids but not others. But if she is part of the wedding party that could make more sense.

I think toddlers do not make good flower girls or ring bearers. They need to be old enough to get down the aisle and back on their own, without being carried and without being pulled in some kind of carriage, wagon, or cart, and they need to be old enough to remember what's going on and to understand what they're being asked to do-in their terms.

If they're too young for any of that, they're too young to be in the wedding party.

smalfrie19 · January 2014

I think its a "know your crowd" kind of thing. For example, my grandfather has 3 brothers and a sister. I am only inviting two of his brothers and their wives (and their grown children) but not his other brother and his wife (nor his son whose wedding I did attend) nor his sister. I checked with my grandfather if he felt this was ok...and he said it was fine.

ETA I can punctuate

Mitch617 · January 2014

I don't mean make her flower girl just to justify not inviting others, but wondering if she has considered that yet if she feels close to the daughter or her parents. If you don't want a flower girl of already have a young girl closer to you who is flower girl, I would say just don't invite children of cousins. The parents might be relieved for a night out without them!

Can we please eliminate this phrase from the vocabulary? It is so ridiculous. If parents want a night out then they can do that all on their own by getting a babysitter. Don't justify treating some guests rudely over other guests by not inviting their kids as "we're giving them a night on their own

I'm saying the cousins (as a circle) might like the night out without kids. Joe and Bob may not have seen each other in a while, and if both were there without children they could relax a little more!

Mitch617 · January 2014

Jen4948 said:

Mitch617 said:

Can you make the toddler daughter the flower girl? I think it would be rude to invite some cousins kids but not others. But if she is part of the wedding party that could make more sense.

I think toddlers do not make good flower girls or ring bearers. They need to be old enough to get down the aisle and back on their own, without being carried and without being pulled in some kind of carriage, wagon, or cart, and they need to be old enough to remember what's going on and to understand what they're being asked to do-in their terms.

If they're too young for any of that, they're too young to be in the wedding party.

Depends how old of a toddler we are talking about. Maybe she's three and the wedding is in a year or two, so she could be 4-5 which I think is perfect for a flower girl, as long as she is well-behaved. I agree they should be old enough to walk down the aisle by themselves and remember the experience.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

Jen4948 said:

Mitch617 said:

Can you make the toddler daughter the flower girl? I think it would be rude to invite some cousins kids but not others. But if she is part of the wedding party that could make more sense.

I think toddlers do not make good flower girls or ring bearers. They need to be old enough to get down the aisle and back on their own, without being carried and without being pulled in some kind of carriage, wagon, or cart, and they need to be old enough to remember what's going on and to understand what they're being asked to do-in their terms.

If they're too young for any of that, they're too young to be in the wedding party.

Depends how old of a toddler we are talking about. Maybe she's three and the wedding is in a year or two, so she could be 4-5 which I think is perfect for a flower girl, as long as she is well-behaved. I agree they should be old enough to walk down the aisle by themselves and remember the experience.

I agree with that, but I would not make this toddler the flower girl just to justify her being invited when the other kids are not.

manateehugger · January 2014

Mitch617 said:

I don't mean make her flower girl just to justify not inviting others, but wondering if she has considered that yet if she feels close to the daughter or her parents. If you don't want a flower girl of already have a young girl closer to you who is flower girl, I would say just don't invite children of cousins. The parents might be relieved for a night out without them!
Can we please eliminate this phrase from the vocabulary? It is so ridiculous. If parents want a night out then they can do that all on their own by getting a babysitter. Don't justify treating some guests rudely over other guests by not inviting their kids as "we're giving them a night on their own

I'm saying the cousins (as a circle) might like the night out without kids. Joe and Bob may not have seen each other in a while, and if both were there without children they could relax a little more!

Oh come on! It's not as if the cousins can't touch base and say, "Hey are you bringing little Bobby and Sally? We were thinking it would be nice to have a catch up without the kids."

Invitations extended to children are not subpoenas. I believe most parents are fully capable of deciding when they'd like a night away from the kids.

Mitch617 · January 2014

scribe95 said:

Mitch617 said:

I don't mean make her flower girl just to justify not inviting others, but wondering if she has considered that yet if she feels close to the daughter or her parents. If you don't want a flower girl of already have a young girl closer to you who is flower girl, I would say just don't invite children of cousins. The parents might be relieved for a night out without them!
Can we please eliminate this phrase from the vocabulary? It is so ridiculous. If parents want a night out then they can do that all on their own by getting a babysitter. Don't justify treating some guests rudely over other guests by not inviting their kids as "we're giving them a night on their own

I'm saying the cousins (as a circle) might like the night out without kids. Joe and Bob may not have seen each other in a while, and if both were there without children they could relax a little more!

My comment still applies. Your statement assumes that parents can't relax in the presence of their own child. Some parents enjoy having fun nights out with the kids - where they can dance and have fun. But everyone seems to assume parents want away from them. Maybe some do. Maybe some don't. If you invite the family parents ALWAYS have the option of getting a sitter but you assume it for them.

My original comment was "The parents might be relieved for a night out without them!" Not trying to assume how these parents feel, just stating a possibility. OP would know the crowd better than I would. I guess the "relieved" word does sounds a little extreme. But there's nothing wrong with choosing not to invite children of cousins, whether they would have had fun together with the children or not.

kmmssg · January 2014

I think you have to know your family AND you HAVE to be willing to deal with the backlash. That also means looking beyond the wedding day and years down the road. There will be family reunions, weddings, funerals, etc. Know your crowd.

For me: I enjoy kid free weddings. I enjoy weddings with well behaved children. I get kinda pissy if I am stuck at an event with brats whose parents turn them loose and go about their business.

For DD's wedding we are inviting the children in the wedding party (that takes care of her own kids plus all the nieces/nephews on both sides) and going out to first cousins. The youngest will be my 11 yo nephew who can seriously bust a move on the dance floor. This shocks me because his parents are nerdy engineers. That would be my SIL and BIL and they are beyond excellent at keeping an eye on their kids at events.

We are not inviting the children of any other guests. If they can't get a sitter, we will miss them but the evening will go forth.

I have been known to NOT invite particular children to an event or two. They are 4 sisters who act like they are the Grand Duchesses of Demon Spawn. OMG. They are awful. They are getting older now and they are mouthy as well as awful. Their parents were part of a 4 couple group and don't deal with their kids. The kids of the other 2 couples were very special to me and well behaved. I wasn't going to deal with cutting them out of things because of the Demon Spawns. I didn't invite the evil children to something and it didn't go well. It ended the friendship. I was pretty sure it was, but those girls took over every event and made people miserable. I KNEW what the ramifications would be and I KNEW I was ok with them.

I still get together every month with the other 2 couples and their kids are now between 18 and 23 and are awesome.

Know your crowd, know the repercussions and decide what you can live with for the long haul.

Circles can work best but I am of the opinion that kids are like any other category of guests. You don't have to invite all of your neighbors, church family, or coworkers. Same goes for kids.

JessicaB387 · January 2014

I did this at my wedding. One of my husband's aunt/uncle has 2 kids, they are around 7 and 4. They live about 10 hours away, but my husband is close with them because he went to college in their town and they helped him out a lot while he was away from home. We invited their kids since we couldn't imagine them all not being there.

Then, there are some cousins on my husband's side that we aren't really close with, I had only met once and neither of us had ever met their kids, aged around 5 and 2 I'm guessing? They were also traveling to come to the wedding, but we chose not to invite their kids, kind of expecting that they would not attend. We were very specific on the invitations, and they RSVP'd that just 2 would attend. I found out literally the week of the wedding that they were bringing both of their kids and that there was pretty much nothing I could do about it without starting a family fight.

Both of their kids attended the ceremony (at a church) but were quiet and behaved fine the whole time. Apparently, they had gotten into a room at the reception (there were hotel rooms attached) and had their kids in there during the reception and all of the cousins took turns babysitting all throughout. I did not provide food for them, as I wasn't aware they would be there. I actually felt bad about that in the end and wish I had provided children's meals (they were cheaper than the regular meals anyways) but there was nothing I could do. I had already given the count to the caterer and paid the final balance. It ended up being fine in the end. The photographer actually did capture a picture of the youngest baby in his pajamas in the ballroom during the reception - but I had no idea at the time that had happened.

So just be prepared for something like this to happen if you choose to involve some kids but not others in the same family. Best advice on your wedding day is to just go with the flow!

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

I ditto PPs -- inviting in circles is less likely to cause hurt feelings, but you have to know your crowd.

The only kids at our wedding were our nephews (RBs), my first cousin's children (so my second cousins), and two still-nursing infants (whom I didn't have to feed).

We had three other guests with children in the same age range as the kids who were invited -- their kids weren't invited and they didn't question why.

One of my friends who brought her four-month-old son did NOT bring her four other children. Why? Because they weren't invited, and she realised that the infant was allowed because of his age.

If you invite the children of one cousin and not the other, be prepared for hurt feelings, backlash, and fractured relationships.

vt&dt · January 2014

OP, doing this wouldn't break etiquette - but, like PP's have said, consider whether this would cause hurt feelings (and if it's worth it for two or three seats/kid's meals).

We invited all of our family's children (cousin's kids, etc) but were a little more selective with friend's and co-worker's. Our method of deciding was: if they're traveling more than an hour/likely to get a hotel room in order to come, we invite the kids period. If we know the kids, we invite them. If they aren't traveling/likely to get a hotel room to come and we don't know the kids, we didn't invite them.

If you don't think your cousin will be offended, you're OK. If you do, you just need to consider what those seats/meals are worth in terms of family conflict and hurt feelings.

FurtureMrsWhitehead · January 2014

True it's your wedding and you have the right to pick and choose who to invite. However kids have more fun when there are other kids around. Now inviting your relatives kids and not your friends I get but to pick and chooses which relative can and can't bring their child I don't. Wedding are about love and families coming as one. Even though you don't know your cousin kids what better way to get to to know them. Not to many occasions do all families get together so I think you should ask yourself do want any kids there at all but not who's kids can come or not.

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