MOH quit

Re: MOH quit

• AddieCake member

  

  January 2014

  Ditto Scribe. The reason your one friend might not be able to afford it might be BECAUSE she was planning that vacation, and that's her business. I know you are disappointed, but focus on the people who ARE in the wedding and don't let the ones who can't or won't participate put a damper on your planning. How long ago did you ask everyone? If it has been awhile, I would clarify with the friend who hasn't said anything about it yet. That's odd.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• carrielovesroxy member

  

  January 2014

  I sent out nice cards I got from etsy at the beginning of December. The one that hasn't said anything, she lives with her parents because she and her fiance are saving to buy a home, and she's working 2 jobs, so I wonder if it arrived in the mail and her mom put it to the side and forgot to give it to her. 

  My fiance and I had a long engagement because I was in nursing school, we've been engaged since June 2012, and the friend planning the vacation has known about the wedding since that time and knew we were planning an August 2014 wedding. She initially said she wouldn't be able to afford it because she would likely owe taxes in April, which I totally understood, then the vacation thing slipped out after she had a few drinks at a party, I don't think she meant to tell me. Our initial conversation was that she doesn't know if she'll owe taxes with her new job and if she does she won't be able to afford to travel. 

  I'm the most hurt by my best friend, she went dress shopping with me and everything, then she texted me to tell me she didn't want to do it out of nowhere, knowing I was at work. It's not like her to flake out on me like that, and now she won't even talk to me and I don't know why. My fiance doesn't even want to invite her at all.

  
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2014

   

  carrielovesroxy said:

  I'm having a problem with my wedding party. My MOH quit because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to make it because of the date and didn't want to mess everything up down the road. My parents are paying for the wedding, so I really didn't get much of a say with the date, and there is absolutely no way that my fiance and I could afford to pay for it, I just graduated college and my fiance is still in school. Anyway, the ex-MOH doesn't live near me, but was very excited and involved, texting me all the time about it. I know that technically the MOH only has to buy the dress and show up, but she volunteered to be there for me without me even asking for her help. Now she won't even talk to me. She told me she was afraid she wouldn't be able to be there so would rather not do it via text, while I was at work, which made it even worse. She was my best friend so this really sucks. I was absolutely clueless about all the wedding stuff until she agreed to be my MOH and set me straight. Now I'm kind of clueless again. I honestly would have preferred if she pulled out later if she had to, at least she would have been there for me through everything and could honestly say she tried her best to make it. I offered to help her find reasonably priced flights and accommodations, I offered to help her pay for things because it was important to me to have her by my side. 

  
  

  I sent really heartfelt cards to the people I asked and now I just feel stupid. Only one of my friends said yes, she lives in California (I live in NY), another who lives in Georgia said she's not sure she'll be able to afford it, which I understood, but then I found out she is planning on booking a trip to Barbados the same month, so I'm not sure she's being truthful about that. Another didn't say anything so I'm not sure if she even received it because we've been talking all the time since then, so I don't even know what to make of that. So right now my bridal party is one good friend, my sister who doesn't even like me, my 14 year old brother and 12 year old sister. My fiance has her best man, two best girlfriends and her sister, who she is really close with. I hate to admit it but I'm kind of jealous that her friends stepped up and are there for her and are truly excited for her, and that she has a great relationship with her sister. 

  
  

  I just feel like I'm realizing my friends aren't who I thought they were, except for one, and I'm not going to have who I thought were my best friends by my side at the wedding like I had dreamed of. My fiance's family has a lot of drama too and all of this is really weighing on me and makes me just want to get the wedding over with. I've even seriously talked with my parents about cancelling it because of the drama with my friends and my fiance's family, but they would lose a lot of money and I'm not about to do that to them. I haven't done anything wedding related since my MOH quit, I'm just not excited anymore, there's too much going on. My dad said that I'm so out of the box already so it doesn't matter if I even have a bridal party, but I just wanted to be in a box for once, if that makes any sense. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. 

  
  

  carrielovesroxy said:

  I sent out nice cards I got from etsy at the beginning of December. The one that hasn't said anything, she lives with her parents because she and her fiance are saving to buy a home, and she's working 2 jobs, so I wonder if it arrived in the mail and her mom put it to the side and forgot to give it to her. 

  My fiance and I had a long engagement because I was in nursing school, we've been engaged since June 2012, and the friend planning the vacation has known about the wedding since that time and knew we were planning an August 2014 wedding. She initially said she wouldn't be able to afford it because she would likely owe taxes in April, which I totally understood, then the vacation thing slipped out after she had a few drinks at a party, I don't think she meant to tell me. Our initial conversation was that she doesn't know if she'll owe taxes with her new job and if she does she won't be able to afford to travel. 

  I'm the most hurt by my best friend, she went dress shopping with me and everything, then she texted me to tell me she didn't want to do it out of nowhere, knowing I was at work. It's not like her to flake out on me like that, and now she won't even talk to me and I don't know why. My fiance doesn't even want to invite her at all.

  
  

  Ditto PP.  You have every right to be hurt by your BFFs actions.  She may be feeling very bad that she had to back out and doesn't know what to say to you.  Maybe try calling her again.  IF she doesn't answer, leave her a VM saying "Friend, I love you and miss talking with you.  I'm sad that you cannot be in my wedding, but I understand.  I would love to talk to you about X (something not wedding related).  I hope to hear from you soon."  Then stop calling/texting her as the ball is in her court.
  

  As for your other friend.  It's not your business how she spends her money.  As another poster said, it is her right to prioritize her family vacation over your wedding.  And also remember, that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you and FI are.  If you need help planning, ask your FI, its his wedding too.  Also, we LOVE weddings here, so come by here to ask us our opinions.  The ladies over on the Budget/DIY board also offer great advice on crafts for weddings.

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  scribe95 said:

  I have to be honest when I see a number of friends sort of bailing I wonder if the bride has done something to annoy them. In one case your friend has completely cut off your friendship; another never responded. I would be curious if I had done something to annoy them.

  I wonder that too.  It's one thing for one person to do it, but if a significant percentage of the wedding party does that, I'd like to know if there is more to the back story than the bride or groom posted.
  

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• carrielovesroxy member

  

  January 2014

  I haven't done anything to my knowledge, and if I have, no one's told me about it. My ex-MOH is having issues with her marriage, and the holidays were particularly rough for her, so I haven't even talked about wedding stuff at all in the last few weeks, trying to be sensitive to her needs and what she was going through. The one who never responded just texted me today saying that she misses me because I recently moved and we hung out a few times before I moved and everything seemed fine, so I'm just going to ask her if she even got it. There's really not much else going on. My best friend and I were fine, of course I was upset with her for texting me while I was at work to tell me she was afraid to commit, I feel like that's something you call someone about, not send a text. She asked me if we were good, and I told her we were, but haven't heard from her at all since. 

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  January 2014

  Carrie, your ex-MOH is having a difficult time. Divorces are expensive and emotionally draining. The last thing on her mind, right now, is celebrating marriage. KWIM? You shouldn't take her avoidance as a personal slight. But, as her best friend, you should be concerned that she is okay. Take your wedding out of the equation. If you manage to contact her, focus on her well being. If you can't get in touch with her, send her a card to let her know you're thinking about her.

  
  

  Your vacation friend has a right to spend her money any way she wants. She doesn't owe you any explanations about her priorities. She may have thought she would be able to attend your wedding and go to Barbados, but she owes taxes and has to make a choice. Now, given the choice of lying on a beach, sipping rum punch in Barbados, in April, or spending a long weekend in New York, with my friend's family members, I'm probably going to pick Barbados.

  
  

  Friend #3 hasn't responded to your card. Most people would have followed up with a phone call. 

  
  

  
  

                     

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• carrielovesroxy member

  

  January 2014

  I texted friend #3 this morning, since I wasn't sure if she'd be at work or not. She said she did not get my card, and that she would love to be a bridesmaid, so I feel a little better. I hadn't asked her about it earlier because we were both so busy, we just graduated nursing school, I was working overtime and preparing for a move from GA to NY, and she was working 2 jobs, and then after this thing happened with my ex-MOH and my other friend, I was just afraid to even mention it. 

  
  

  Of course I'm concerned about my ex-MOH, she said she hasn't told anyone about her marital problems because she's afraid of what people will think, especially her mom. She's basically staying in the marriage to save face, and I'm wondering if it's more about that rather than the date. She said when she sees other couples being romantic with one another, it makes her realize how much she misses it, and will casually mention how she got married in a courthouse and didn't have a dress or anything. I wonder if the wedding planning stuff was bringing her down and she was afraid to tell me. I'll call her this weekend so she'll have more time to talk, if she chooses to, since she's so busy during the week. 

  
  

  As for my vacation friend, I get that she has a right to spend her money however she wants. It's an August wedding, not April, she already lives right next to the beach, and the wedding is in Toronto, not central New York, where there's plenty of really awesome things to do rather than sit around with my family. So while she totally has the right to ditch my wedding to take a vacation, I'm still a little hurt, especially since she's known about it for almost 2 years and has said she's excited about it. If the situation were reversed, and I had to travel to GA to be in her wedding, I would make that my vacation and do fun things around Savannah to make sure I had my vacation and got to be there for her wedding. Maybe that's just me though. 

  
  

  
  

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• Viczaesar member

  

  January 2014

  You can't expect other people to do the same as what you think you would do in that situation.
  

  
  
  
  

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• Almie425 member

  

  January 2014

  I would be hurt too if a friend I considered close enough to be in my bridal party decided to go on vacation! Though I understand it, it can feel as though they are picking something else over you. And, IF you are the type of friend who would not do that, then of course you won't expect a friend would do it to you. As previously mentioned, sounds like your MOH is going through a difficult time. Just be there for her.... And remember, the wedding is not about all who will be there but about you and your fiancée making a beautiful commitment to each other.

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• mrsbanany member

  

  January 2014

  I would be hurt too! Especially if they knew about it for 2 years before hand.  FI's brother decided to take a vacation during his sister's wedding.  He and his wife were leaving the morning of the wedding and when FI's dad offered to pay for all of the expenses of leaving the following morning, they still said no. Which to me sounds like then they are really choosing the vacation over the wedding. I was hurt for the bride in that scenario, her own brother! So you are totally justified in feeling hurt.

  
  

  But with all of the issues, be the bigger person. Wish her a good time on her vacation, be there for your MOH even if she won't talk to you.  But at the end of the day, as long as you and your FI are completely in love, your wedding will be beautiful no matter what! 

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