Dry Bar

hlpopper · January 2014

I have been getting a great deal of flack on this, but I believe all of mine and my fiance's reasonings for our decision are sound. My fiance and I don't drink, my father was an alcoholic, but has been dry for 27 years now, so he nor any of his side of the family drinks, my fiance's family doesn't drink due to very personal issues, and over half of mine and my fiance's friends don't drink. The only people who do is my mother's side of the family. Originally we were thinking of having a cash bar because the location that we are holding the reception at does not all for any outside alcohol that was not purchased at their bar. It helps with accountability and dram shop laws are a pain should anything happen to anyone. I wanted to allow those who wanted to drink to be able to drink, but on their own dime as I am paying for the entire wedding myself and don't have enough to get drinks for everyone, even with the beer and wine, and frankly, I didn't see the point in paying for something so expensive that my fiance and I will not indulge in. Because of all the flack I had been getting of "it's just plain rude to expect us to pay for our drinks" and after seeing that some of my relatives were allowing some of the minors to drink at my grandfather's 80th birthday, I felt that the best option would be to switch our bar to a dry bar.

Now, my caterer threw in a coffee station with a bunch of different coffees and teas as well as a build your own sparkling lemonade, flavored iced tea, and flavored water station for booking with them at the time that I had. The bar that I am paying for allows for soda, so it's not like there won't be anything to drink. I'm not asking anyone to pay for any of their drinks now, I'm just not allowing for any alcohol as the more I think about it, the less comfortable I am with letting those who do drink drink. I have a nice cushion in my budget for emergencies but I've been told that I should rearrange my budget to allow for beer and wine open bar so that people can drink. I think I have done more than enough to keep their expenses for the wedding down, I am not asking them to pay for their own drinks and I am providing more than enough choices that should keep normal people happy. I have plenty of people who don't drink with good reason, it's just those few who are resistant to the idea of having no alcohol or to having to pay for their own. Is this really as wrong as my mother and her side of the family says it is?

doeydo · January 2014

hlpopper said:

I have been getting a great deal of flack on this, but I believe all of mine and my fiance's reasonings for our decision are sound. My fiance and I don't drink, my father was an alcoholic, but has been dry for 27 years now, so he nor any of his side of the family drinks, my fiance's family doesn't drink due to very personal issues, and over half of mine and my fiance's friends don't drink. The only people who do is my mother's side of the family. Originally we were thinking of having a cash bar because the location that we are holding the reception at does not all for any outside alcohol that was not purchased at their bar. It helps with accountability and dram shop laws are a pain should anything happen to anyone. I wanted to allow those who wanted to drink to be able to drink, but on their own dime as I am paying for the entire wedding myself and don't have enough to get drinks for everyone, even with the beer and wine, and frankly, I didn't see the point in paying for something so expensive that my fiance and I will not indulge in. Because of all the flack I had been getting of "it's just plain rude to expect us to pay for our drinks" and after seeing that some of my relatives were allowing some of the minors to drink at my grandfather's 80th birthday, I felt that the best option would be to switch our bar to a dry bar.

Now, my caterer threw in a coffee station with a bunch of different coffees and teas as well as a build your own sparkling lemonade, flavored iced tea, and flavored water station for booking with them at the time that I had. The bar that I am paying for allows for soda, so it's not like there won't be anything to drink. I'm not asking anyone to pay for any of their drinks now, I'm just not allowing for any alcohol as the more I think about it, the less comfortable I am with letting those who do drink drink. I have a nice cushion in my budget for emergencies but I've been told that I should rearrange my budget to allow for beer and wine open bar so that people can drink. I think I have done more than enough to keep their expenses for the wedding down, I am not asking them to pay for their own drinks and I am providing more than enough choices that should keep normal people happy. I have plenty of people who don't drink with good reason, it's just those few who are resistant to the idea of having no alcohol or to having to pay for their own. Is this really as wrong as my mother and her side of the family says it is?

It is perfectly OK to not serve any alcohol at your wedding. What it is not OK to do is offer items that your guests have to pay for (ie. a cash bar) because it is terribly rude and tacky.

muenginerd · January 2014

Stand your ground, just don't have alcohol. Dry bar sounds like a great idea. It seems like you have very good reasons for not wanting it there. With both of your personal experiences do you want to have alcohol around at all? We recently had a family wedding where the groom was a recovering addict and for himself personally he requested it be a dry wedding. Everyone was very respectful of that and not one more thing was said about it. Maybe talk to your mom and just explain you and FI would just perfer no alcohol at the reception and leave it at that...

P.S. - I think all the flavored lemonade/tea/water bars you offer are great! I would love to have something like that.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

It is perfectly fine to have a dry wedding, anyone who complains is quite rude.

If your mother continues to protest, you can ignore her and change the subject or tell her she is free to host (aka pay for) the open bar at the wedding.

Jen4948 · January 2014

hlpopper said:

I have been getting a great deal of flack on this, but I believe all of mine and my fiance's reasonings for our decision are sound. My fiance and I don't drink, my father was an alcoholic, but has been dry for 27 years now, so he nor any of his side of the family drinks, my fiance's family doesn't drink due to very personal issues, and over half of mine and my fiance's friends don't drink. The only people who do is my mother's side of the family. Originally we were thinking of having a cash bar because the location that we are holding the reception at does not all for any outside alcohol that was not purchased at their bar. It helps with accountability and dram shop laws are a pain should anything happen to anyone. I wanted to allow those who wanted to drink to be able to drink, but on their own dime as I am paying for the entire wedding myself and don't have enough to get drinks for everyone, even with the beer and wine, and frankly, I didn't see the point in paying for something so expensive that my fiance and I will not indulge in. Because of all the flack I had been getting of "it's just plain rude to expect us to pay for our drinks" and after seeing that some of my relatives were allowing some of the minors to drink at my grandfather's 80th birthday, I felt that the best option would be to switch our bar to a dry bar.

Now, my caterer threw in a coffee station with a bunch of different coffees and teas as well as a build your own sparkling lemonade, flavored iced tea, and flavored water station for booking with them at the time that I had. The bar that I am paying for allows for soda, so it's not like there won't be anything to drink. I'm not asking anyone to pay for any of their drinks now, I'm just not allowing for any alcohol as the more I think about it, the less comfortable I am with letting those who do drink drink. I have a nice cushion in my budget for emergencies but I've been told that I should rearrange my budget to allow for beer and wine open bar so that people can drink. I think I have done more than enough to keep their expenses for the wedding down, I am not asking them to pay for their own drinks and I am providing more than enough choices that should keep normal people happy. I have plenty of people who don't drink with good reason, it's just those few who are resistant to the idea of having no alcohol or to having to pay for their own. Is this really as wrong as my mother and her side of the family says it is?

You are not required to serve alcohol at all. You can serve no alcohol or a limited bar if you are okay with that. But you cannot charge guests for drinks, alcoholic or not. Everything you provide, you must pay for.

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

I think what the venue has offered you as far as coffee, tea, lemonade, and soft drinks sounds wonderful and is a perfectly acceptable way to host your guests. Close the topic of the bar to any further discussion and go with what you've got.

phira · January 2014

You are not a bad host for having a dry wedding. And you do NOT have to defend your reasons for having a dry wedding. You're hosting the event, you don't want to serve alcohol, so you're not going to. Your dry bar plan sounds lovely.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

You are under no obligation to serve alcohol. A cash bar would have been terribly rude, but there is nothing wrong with a dry event. Your reasoning is none of anyone's business. Stop trying to justify your decision or explain it to people. When people ask why, change the subject. If you have to, tell them that it isn't any of their business.

Many people won't dance all night or even stay all night at a dry event, but that's just the tone of the event. If your mother's family wants to go out for drinks, they can have an after party at the bar.

dramamonkey · January 2014

When my friend got married, she had a coffee bar (along with other non-alcoholic drinks). Her husband is an alcoholic (though long sober) and it just wasn't appropriate for them in their lives.

I didn't miss the alcohol. In fact, I only recently remembered that there was none... people still partied and danced and everything!

And for them, since they met many moons ago working at Starbucks, the fancy coffee bar was perfect.

Jen4948 · January 2014

dramamonkey said:

When my friend got married, she had a coffee bar (along with other non-alcoholic drinks). Her husband is an alcoholic (though long sober) and it just wasn't appropriate for them in their lives.

I didn't miss the alcohol. In fact, I only recently remembered that there was none... people still partied and danced and everything!

And for them, since they met many moons ago working at Starbucks, the fancy coffee bar was perfect.

This is an idea I love-for just about any wedding.

indianaalum · January 2014

Yes, it is okay to have a dry wedding.

No, it is not okay to host a "cash bar", it is considered rude.

If you wanted, you could you compromise and just have a bottle of champagne on each table for toasting?! But , it is TOTALYL acceptable to have a dry wedding if you feel more comfortable with that.

Don't be bullied if you feel stronlgy

Inkdancer · January 2014

Stand your ground! As long as you are properly hosting your guests (e.g. making sure they have enough food, something to keep them hydrated, and a chair to sit in) you are golden.

Parents can have a lot of strong opinions on what your wedding day "has" to be like. My FMIL is furious that we are having a dry wedding, and my mom thinks it's crazy that I'm considering bridesmaid dresses that aren't all the same style. Just remind them that you're doing what you can afford, and leave it at that.

mimiphin · January 2014

I say dry bar with Pop included is great!!

lizandmark2014 · January 2014

There is a bar area in my venue. They will stock with beer or Soda. I chose soda. I would offer soda and a few non-soda options. ( lemon aid , coffee, tea)
There is nothing stating you are required to serve alcohol.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

What I've learned from this forum is the bean dip trick. I haven't had the opportunity to try it yet because none of our families are pushing it but it sounds like you could use it for your mother. I believe it goes something like this:

Mother: "So about this dry wedding situation - I don't like it. You need to serve at least beer and wine."

You: "Mom, I've already explained why we don't want to, the topic is closed for input."

Mother: "No it's not closed! I want alcohol at the wedding, it's not a wedding without some kind of alcohol."

You: "Have you tried this bean dip? It's delicious! Do you know who made this?"

Mother: "Alcohol, alcohol, ALCOHOL!"

You: "I must find out who made this bean dip." - leave to find the brilliant chef of the delicious bean dip.

short+sassy · January 2014

I am still reeling (in a good way) over the beverage choices you are offering. Make your own "sparkling lemonade" bar? Wow, outstanding! Way more than I would ever expect for non-alcoholic beverages at a wedding.

I do like the idea of 1-2 bottles of wine and/or champagne for dinner/toasting, if your venue will do that AND you are comfortable with it. But I'm with you, I would never want a "per person" bar package if a huge chunk of my guests wouldn't use it. That is just a big waste of money.

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