One of my bridesmaids is driving me crazy!

ck3455 · January 2014

My fiancé and I got engaged this past May, after having been together for 6 years at the time. I was super excited and when we got home from vacation immediately called my closest friends and family. I asked my sister and four of my closest girlfriends to be bridesmaids. All was fine. My fiancé and I started planning the wedding. While planning the guest list and just through discussions, we decided we didn't want any children under the age of 10 at the wedding for various reasons. I informed all of my bridesmaids of that, which was fine with them... They weren't affected since they don't have children. About a month goes by and I get a phone call from one of my bridesmaids telling me that she is four months pregnant. I was excited for her, but was also thinking about my wedding. By the time I get married she will have a 6 month old baby in tow. She will have to be away for the whole weekend as she along with the other four bridesmaids live out of state. I didn't say anything right away, I just wanted to be supportive of her... And I am happy that she is having a baby. I eventually called her and gave her a very gentle out of the bridesmaid duty. Explaining I understand that she has just gone through a live changing event and told her that I would understand if her family needed to come first. I told her I loved her no matter what, but just wanted to give her an opportunity to rethink things if she felt it would cause too much stress. She said absolutely not and that she would be there for my big day. We'll now fast forward a month, her husband left her. She has currently moved back in with her parents for the time being. Now she has had the baby, her daughter is cute as a button. I get a phone call from my bridesmaid informing me that regardless of the no baby policy she will be bringing her 6 month old daughter to the wedding and that I have to invite the bridesmaids mother to my wedding as well. I reminded her about the no children policy and reminded her that I'm not inviting my nieces or nephews because of the policy. Her response to me was that she intends on breast feeding for the first year, so she cannot be away from her daughter for an entire weekend. I then asked her about her demand of me inviting her mother to the wedding... Her response to that was, well someone has to watch the baby when I'm drunk and partying at the reception. She will not accept that the baby and her mother are not invited to the ceremony/reception. She has already informed me that the baby will be in our formal pictures as well... I am at a loss with this one. If I make an exception for her, then I have to make the exception for the other multiple people who have very young children and would like to bring them. My fiancé will not budge though. He does not want any baby's no matter what at the wedding, and i can't tell him his opinion does not matter, it is his day too. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Maggie0829 · January 2014

ck3455 said:

My fiancé and I got engaged this past May, after having been together for 6 years at the time. I was super excited and when we got home from vacation immediately called my closest friends and family. I asked my sister and four of my closest girlfriends to be bridesmaids. All was fine.

My fiancé and I started planning the wedding. While planning the guest list and just through discussions, we decided we didn't want any children under the age of 10 at the wedding for various reasons. I informed all of my bridesmaids of that, which was fine with them... They weren't affected since they don't have children. About a month goes by and I get a phone call from one of my bridesmaids telling me that she is four months pregnant. I was excited for her, but was also thinking about my wedding. By the time I get married she will have a 6 month old baby in tow. She will have to be away for the whole weekend as she along with the other four bridesmaids live out of state.

I didn't say anything right away, I just wanted to be supportive of her... And I am happy that she is having a baby. I eventually called her and gave her a very gentle out of the bridesmaid duty. Explaining I understand that she has just gone through a live changing event and told her that I would understand if her family needed to come first. I told her I loved her no matter what, but just wanted to give her an opportunity to rethink things if she felt it would cause too much stress. She said absolutely not and that she would be there for my big day.

We'll now fast forward a month, her husband left her. She has currently moved back in with her parents for the time being. Now she has had the baby, her daughter is cute as a button. I get a phone call from my bridesmaid informing me that regardless of the no baby policy she will be bringing her 6 month old daughter to the wedding and that I have to invite the bridesmaids mother to my wedding as well. I reminded her about the no children policy and reminded her that I'm not inviting my nieces or nephews because of the policy. Her response to me was that she intends on breast feeding for the first year, so she cannot be away from her daughter for an entire weekend.

I then asked her about her demand of me inviting her mother to the wedding... Her response to that was, well someone has to watch the baby when I'm drunk and partying at the reception. She will not accept that the baby and her mother are not invited to the ceremony/reception. She has already informed me that the baby will be in our formal pictures as well... I am at a loss with this one.

If I make an exception for her, then I have to make the exception for the other multiple people who have very young children and would like to bring them. My fiancé will not budge though. He does not want any baby's no matter what at the wedding, and i can't tell him his opinion does not matter, it is his day too. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Ok, first paragraphs are your friend.

Second, you need to decide what is more important to you, having your friend be at your wedding or having a child free wedding.

Do I think your friend is crazy to demand that her Mom be invited and also say that her child will be in the formal pictures? Yes. And if she is exclusively breast feeding then her getting drunk will be a no-no since the alcohol can get into her breast milk making her breast milk unfit for her child to drink, but I digress.

In the end you do not have to invite her child to your wedding. I think the arbitrary age limit of 10 is odd (hopefully that rule isn't breaking up any families, such as one sibling gets invited but the other doesn't, because that is incredibly rude), but if you don't want to invite children you don't have to.

But again, if you want your friend to be at your wedding you may have to compromise a bit and work with her since she is breast feeding.

ck3455 · January 2014

The age of ten is strange, but we made it that so certain members of both of our family's would be able to attend, otherwise we would have had no children and a bunch of both sides wouldn't have been able to attend. I am fine with her mother and baby coming and staying at the hotel. She intends on pumping for the day of the wedding so she can drink and her mom can feed the baby. My personal opinion/solution is leave them at the hotel. Your mom can take care of the baby and you can have your fun... She is not willing to budge on that and demands both be present at the ceremony and reception. I'm more frustrated with the fact that these are demands. I'd be more willing to work with her if she approached me and said "hey, here is my problem, how can we work it out...?" But I also cannot ignore the fact that my fiancé does not want the baby there. I'm not sure how to work it out so everyone is happy... I'm learning quickly with planning a wedding that not everyone will be happy, and I'm stressing myself out more than need be trying to please everyone. It also boils down to I don't want any baby's there... Neither of us wanted any children initially, but both had to budge a little bit for our families. I can't keep biding on everything to make everyone else happy.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Then make a choice. Which is more important to you: no babies or having your friend there?

Her DEMANDING that you invite her mother and allow her other and baby at both the ceremony and reception are rude, as is her demand that the baby be in the photos. Actually, it's beyond rude.

But you have to decide if you want to tell her, 'Your mother isn't invited, and I cannot accommodate your baby, so you need to make other plans,' and have her drop out and possibly end your friendship with her, or accommodate her rude demands.

If your FI is adamant about no babies, there's your answer.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

I think you need to decide what works best for you and your FI and then present her with an option. Such as, "MOH, what FI and I are willing to compromise with you. We won't be able to accommodate your Mother or your baby at our wedding but we will be more then happy to provide your Mother a dinner of her choosing off of the hotel's room service menu so that she will not have to worry about food while she babysits for you." I mean you certainly do not have to do this but it may be a way to show your friend that you are up to working with her on something that will work for both of you.

But I think even considering her demands is not even an option because they are rude. Like you said, you may be more open to the idea if she hadn't just demanded it from you.

KatWAG · January 2014

I would be tempted to say "hell no, you cant bring your special snowflake and your mom" just because she was so rude in the way she asked/ demanded. Then I might give the venue a heads up so they dont let baby and grandma in. But what do I know? I am a grump.

clarke10 · January 2014

Well I think telling you that you have to invite her mother and have her baby in your pictures was rude. But did you actually expect her to travel out of state for an entire weekend and leave her infant at home? That would be unrealistic to. Obviously you're going to have to make a choice and either let her bring the baby or accept that she can't come. What about suggesting the mom and baby come with for the weekend and hang out in the hotel room during the wedding?

ck3455 · January 2014

I completely understand that expecting her to spend an entire weekend away from the baby is unrealistic. I am perfectly fine with her mother and the baby coming for the weekend, but not to the ceremony and reception as we have been having major issues with numbers of guests and the guest list already- as she is well aware of. I have never once said your mother can't come with the baby and stay in the hotel. I have tried making suggestions and giving her other alternatives, her mother and baby are also more than welcome to attend dinner the night before and brunch that my mother is throwing the morning after at the hotel.... Just not to ceremony/reception. We don't have any mutual close friends that are coming to the wedding. She knows other bridesmaids, but they are not her closest friends. She is attempting to get me to invite our old friends from high school, which is not an option. Other than her baby shower I have not seen or spoken to them since high school, no reason in particular other than we grew apart. At this point both fiancé and I are so frustrated with both sides of wedding party, we are tempted to tell them all to take a hike with the exception of his brother and my sister. This bridesmaid isn't even maid of honor, maid of honor is my sister.

ck3455 · January 2014

She also called me this morning to inform me that when I come home this weekend to buy a wedding dress she will be bringing the baby and wants to turn that into her introducing the baby to everyone. I've had to tell her the baby can't come to that due to the store not wanting a bride having more than 4 people total and baby will make 5. I feel badly, because I am excited about the baby... But I didn't turn her baby shower into an engagement shower for myself, so why is it fair to turn my wedding stuff into being all about her baby? Maybe I just don't understand since I am not a mother, I am trying to bend over backwards in every way for my wedding party, but stuff like this does not make me want to accommodate anything.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

ck3455 said:

I completely understand that expecting her to spend an entire weekend away from the baby is unrealistic. I am perfectly fine with her mother and the baby coming for the weekend, but not to the ceremony and reception as we have been having major issues with numbers of guests and the guest list already- as she is well aware of. I have never once said your mother can't come with the baby and stay in the hotel. I have tried making suggestions and giving her other alternatives, her mother and baby are also more than welcome to attend dinner the night before and brunch that my mother is throwing the morning after at the hotel.... Just not to ceremony/reception. We don't have any mutual close friends that are coming to the wedding. She knows other bridesmaids, but they are not her closest friends. She is attempting to get me to invite our old friends from high school, which is not an option. Other than her baby shower I have not seen or spoken to them since high school, no reason in particular other than we grew apart. At this point both fiancé and I are so frustrated with both sides of wedding party, we are tempted to tell them all to take a hike with the exception of his brother and my sister. This bridesmaid isn't even maid of honor, maid of honor is my sister.

Honestly, it sounds like you have done everything you can do besides succumbing to her demands. If she is still not happy with what you have proposed to her (which I think is more then fair) then she just shouldn't come.

At this point remind her of the bolded above and say that that is what you and your FI can offer her as a compromise, take it or leave it. Then the ball is in her court. She will either come with what you have laid out for her or she will continue to be a hard head.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

ck3455 said:

She also called me this morning to inform me that when I come home this weekend to buy a wedding dress she will be bringing the baby and wants to turn that into her introducing the baby to everyone. I've had to tell her the baby can't come to that due to the store not wanting a bride having more than 4 people total and baby will make 5. I feel badly, because I am excited about the baby... But I didn't turn her baby shower into an engagement shower for myself, so why is it fair to turn my wedding stuff into being all about her baby? Maybe I just don't understand since I am not a mother, I am trying to bend over backwards in every way for my wedding party, but stuff like this does not make me want to accommodate anything.

I don't mean for this to be mean, but you know that it is possible for people to be excited about more then one thing at once, right? I mean the people going with you will be excited to shop for a wedding dress with you and can be just as excited to meet this girls baby. Give her a break on this one. She is a new Mother and wants to show her baby off. I am sure when you were newly engaged you wanted to show your ring off. This will pass.

adnam08manda · January 2014

I was a BM for a girlfriend of mine. SHE had the baby 6 months prior and she brought her baby to the dress shopping. I hate to say this but this was the majority of the girls first time meeting the baby and none of us paid much attention to her dresses. We oohed and aahhhed but ultimately we focused on her daughter. I personally would not want a baby there when I'm trying on gowns because I want the focus to be on me (sorry but that IS why everyone should be there, to help you choose a dress) and a baby steals the spotlight because it's not something you can put down or ignore for a couple hours.

As for the wedding I like the other PP's post about giving her an alternative but at the same time she will probably refuse. Just don't count on her to be there your big day. I understand wanting her child there but this decision was made before she was even pregnant and she should have known (not that it's her fault or she should have avoided getting pregnant at all!) to make arrangements accordingly to have her mother there that weekend even if not at the wedding itself.

She shouldn't be getting stupid drunk if she's breastfeeding either regardless of pumping. She's basically telling her mom to come and watch her baby for her while she parties. If that's the case she wouldn't even notice if the baby wasn't there at all or if she stayed at her grandma's house for the weekend.

ck3455 · January 2014

That's what my mother said about the baby coming to the dress shopping, and honestly I just feel like she is trying to turn everything about my wedding into being about the baby. Like I said in an earlier post... I did not make her baby stuff about my wedding, so why is it fair to make my wedding stuff about her baby. I hate putting it that way, because I feel as though I sound petty, but just like having her first child is a big life changing event, so is getting married... And when it comes to my wedding stuff I would like the support and undivided attention, just like everyone gave to her for baby things. I'm frustrated with the demands that are being placed on me and I'm even more frustrated, because she has been married and had very difficult bridesmaids, so you would think she would try to be a little more understanding. I have given alternatives as suggestions, she doesn't want them. As another person posted it seems as though she will not be happy unless I give in to her expectations, and while I do value my friendship with her, I will not give into her demands and make myself and fiancé unhappy by doing so. I just don't know how else to be more clear to her.... She will not allow it to get through her head that though as much as I love her and her baby, the baby and her mother are not invited to these things.

ck3455 · January 2014

Maggie0829, I understand what you are saying... I really do. The way I feel about the dress shopping is the fact that first of all, yes she knows the other bridesmaids, but they are not her friends... She does not associate with them outside of wedding stuff, so why turn dress shopping into another party for baby. Also, as of now if baby is in her presence she will not discuss anything other than baby. All it is is baby talk to the baby that you are forced to listen to, and her rambling on about how many nurses she has and about her nipples... I do not want my dress shopping to turn into that. Maybe I am a little harsh about all of it, but other than not wanting my dress shopping to turn into being all about baby, I am a little sensitive to these things turning into being about her baby because I recently have had multiple surgeries and found out I can not have children. Maybe I am internalizing this too much, but I can't handle everything baby right now. I get phone calls every day to just listen about her daughters doctor appointments, or how one of her nurses loves the baby, how the other nurse thinks the baby is so advanced, I can't get a word in edgewise about the wedding or anything unrelated to the wedding. The second I start talking she ignores me and talks to the baby. I feel like that is how dress shopping is going to be if the baby comes... I don't know, maybe I'm being too much of a bridezilla.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

adnam08manda said:

I was a BM for a girlfriend of mine. SHE had the baby 6 months prior and she brought her baby to the dress shopping. I hate to say this but this was the majority of the girls first time meeting the baby and none of us paid much attention to her dresses. We oohed and aahhhed but ultimately we focused on her daughter. I personally would not want a baby there when I'm trying on gowns because I want the focus to be on me (sorry but that IS why everyone should be there, to help you choose a dress) and a baby steals the spotlight because it's not something you can put down or ignore for a couple hours.

As for the wedding I like the other PP's post about giving her an alternative but at the same time she will probably refuse. Just don't count on her to be there your big day. I understand wanting her child there but this decision was made before she was even pregnant and she should have known (not that it's her fault or she should have avoided getting pregnant at all!) to make arrangements accordingly to have her mother there that weekend even if not at the wedding itself.

She shouldn't be getting stupid drunk if she's breastfeeding either regardless of pumping. She's basically telling her mom to come and watch her baby for her while she parties. If that's the case she wouldn't even notice if the baby wasn't there at all or if she stayed at her grandma's house for the weekend.

I find this very hard to believe. While I would most definitely ooh & aww over the baby while the bride was changing, I would focus my attention back to the reason I was there in the first place once she came out in her dresses.

I was thinking the same thing. When I went shopping for my dress I took my Mom, my sister and my 6 month old niece. In no way did the baby steal the spotlight or take my Mom's or sister's attention away from what we were doing. In fact when I picked my dress I turned to my niece and even asked her if she liked it. She laughed and clapped her hands.

adnam08manda · January 2014

missax said:

adnam08manda said:

I was a BM for a girlfriend of mine. SHE had the baby 6 months prior and she brought her baby to the dress shopping. I hate to say this but this was the majority of the girls first time meeting the baby and none of us paid much attention to her dresses. We oohed and aahhhed but ultimately we focused on her daughter. I personally would not want a baby there when I'm trying on gowns because I want the focus to be on me (sorry but that IS why everyone should be there, to help you choose a dress) and a baby steals the spotlight because it's not something you can put down or ignore for a couple hours.

As for the wedding I like the other PP's post about giving her an alternative but at the same time she will probably refuse. Just don't count on her to be there your big day. I understand wanting her child there but this decision was made before she was even pregnant and she should have known (not that it's her fault or she should have avoided getting pregnant at all!) to make arrangements accordingly to have her mother there that weekend even if not at the wedding itself.

She shouldn't be getting stupid drunk if she's breastfeeding either regardless of pumping. She's basically telling her mom to come and watch her baby for her while she parties. If that's the case she wouldn't even notice if the baby wasn't there at all or if she stayed at her grandma's house for the weekend.

I find this very hard to believe. While I would most definitely ooh & aww over the baby while the bride was changing, I would focus my attention back to the reason I was there in the first place once she came out in her dresses.

Like I said the baby was already 6 months old when most of us met her and it was at the bridal salon. We live about 8 hours apart. Her daughter was starting to wiggle and roll and attempt crawling. She was hard to not pay attention to. When her mom (the bride) was out we would definitely focus on her while she twirled, we took pictures, and all but as soon as she went back in the dressing room our attention would be back on the baby. I don't want to call her this but her baby was a distraction to us bridesmaids. None of us have children so we all wanted to hold her and play with her. We didn't mean to be rude and I don't think her mom cared because it was also her baby and she was proud, but now looking back we really were.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

ck3455 said:

Maggie0829, I understand what you are saying... I really do. The way I feel about the dress shopping is the fact that first of all, yes she knows the other bridesmaids, but they are not her friends... She does not associate with them outside of wedding stuff, so why turn dress shopping into another party for baby. Also, as of now if baby is in her presence she will not discuss anything other than baby. All it is is baby talk to the baby that you are forced to listen to, and her rambling on about how many nurses she has and about her nipples... I do not want my dress shopping to turn into that. Maybe I am a little harsh about all of it, but other than not wanting my dress shopping to turn into being all about baby, I am a little sensitive to these things turning into being about her baby because I recently have had multiple surgeries and found out I can not have children. Maybe I am internalizing this too much, but I can't handle everything baby right now. I get phone calls every day to just listen about her daughters doctor appointments, or how one of her nurses loves the baby, how the other nurse thinks the baby is so advanced, I can't get a word in edgewise about the wedding or anything unrelated to the wedding. The second I start talking she ignores me and talks to the baby. I feel like that is how dress shopping is going to be if the baby comes... I don't know, maybe I'm being too much of a bridezilla.

Look, it is not the babies fault that her Mother is psycho. So stop saying the baby is going to be the issue. Even if the baby is not there I am sure your friend will whip out pictures and still talk about her baby non-stop. Since the other girls aren't good friends with her then they will most likely not want to talk all about her baby all the time. If you don't continue to play into her baby talk then she will have to eventually stop, right? And next time you are on the phone and she starts talking about her baby, cut her off, nicely, and tell her that you need to go. Eventually (hopefully) she will get the hint that her talking about her kid 24/7 is not well liked.

Finally, if you are having this many issues with her then why not just uninvite her to the shopping day? I mean at this point she has been beyond rude about your wedding and will most likely not attend since you aren't meeting her demands.

I am sorry to hear about the fact that you can't have a baby, but you have to remember that some people, when they have children, it is all about that kid. And as annoying as that can be there really is nothing you can do to change them. Either ignore it or further yourself from her.

ck3455 · January 2014

You are right. I appreciate all of the advice from everyone. I have asked her if there is a time while the baby is sleeping we can have a real conversation about the wedding and things relating to the wedding. I am hoping we can hash it all out in a pleasant way.... Otherwise things will have to change and that will be my choice.

Jen4948 · January 2014

It's perfectly okay to say to her, "I realize that you may not want to be separated from the baby, and if that means you won't be in the wedding party or attending, I understand. But the baby and your mother are not invited to the wedding. I hope that you can attend without the baby, but the no children policy is firm."

One of my bridesmaids is driving me crazy!

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