MOH Issues

Re: MOH Issues

• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2014

  I think it's time to tell her, "MOH, ever since I got engaged, I've been getting snide and hostile feedback and questions from you about my wedding plans and budget, and I've reached my limit.  From now on, all questions relating to the financing of my wedding are closed subjects, and I am not open to hearing any comments from you that are not both substantive and constructive."
  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2014

  You don't have a MOH issue, it sounds like your MOH has a friend issue.
  

  amandaj424 said:

  
  

  ". . . she is heavily involved in the planning because FI is so busy, she is basically my stand in groom."  

  ^This is a major issue when you consider this
  
  
  

  amandaj424 said:

  "She has always been jealous of my life.  I am not assuming this, she has told me more  than once."  
  

  
  

  ". . .  the past few years of her life have been pretty rough. Her brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, her first real BF cheated on her. "

  You should not have this poor girl as your stand in groom, especially when she is having such a rough time and it sounds like she is depressed.  No wonder she is so snarky!
  
  Your FI either needs to make time to be involved with planning and executing his own wedding or you need to learn how to make decisions on your own.  You said your mother is opinionated, bounce ideas off of her if need be.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

  Report9 Reply
• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  amandaj424 said:

  So yesterday an issue came up with the venue and date. Today, an issue has come up with my MOH. I ranted about my venue yesterday and today I am going to rant and look for advice about my MOH.  Hope you guys don't think I am spamming you with my problems. Reading what you have to say really does make me feel better

  
  

  My MOH is my very very best friend from elementary school. She along with my FI's sister are the only two in the wedding party, which is a whole other story in itself that we don't need to get into. Some background on MOH and this is going to sound like the most petty and pathetic thing that you have ever heard but bear with me.  She has always been jealous of my life.  I am not assuming this, she has told me more  than once.  It started with high school when my parents sent me to a private school and she stayed in public.  It lead to her being jealous that I was smarter than her and got into a better college. Again, I am repeating what she told me. The most pathetic thing that has happened was when I met my FI.  I was working at a restaurant and a bunch of my friends came in, bringing FI and a few other newbies.  So point is MOH and I met FI at the same time, she liked him and was jealous when we started dating (we were 16 at the time).  She actually told me, after FI and I had been dating for a few months, that she was surprised that he didn't want to go out with her because she was "obviously a much better fit for him".  This is obviously a non-issue now, just wanted to give you some background on her personality.  Her jealousy has gotten worse as the years have gone on. She is the type of girl that will give you a "once over" in a bar and then talk about you and judge you because you ordered a beer and not some fruity girly drink or your shirt is ugly or some other pathetic thing.  But she has been my best friend forever and I love her anyway.  

  
  

  When FI and I got engaged she did one of those "yay so happy for you.....ugh you get everything" kind of congratulations. I know deep down she was actually happy, but I think she just has this feeling of "my life sucks".  I am not going to lie the past few years of her life have been pretty rough. Her brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, her first real BF cheated on her. I think it is just really hard for her to have me, with everything going so great lately, right in front of her while her life is just not what she would like it to be. Because of all of this she has become kind of phony, and tries to project her life as this great positive thing when in reality, she is really sad.  I think she gets tired of trying to project this fake image.  She can be pretty snarky and it has definitely gotten worse since I got engaged. Luckily, I have the personality and we have the relationship where I can call her out on her passive aggressive bullshit because I know she doesn't actually mean it.  I try so hard to be there for her and make her feel good. Yesterday we were discussing Valentine's Day and she was saying how it is a joke because literally all of her friends are in relationships and on top of it, it is a Friday night so she will basically be all alone on a Friday night.  I told her that I would totally hang out with her and we can have a girls night (my anniversary with FI is on the 17th so we go back and forth on which day we celebrate and v-day was never a big deal). She kind of blows off the offer, which is understandable but it is really frustrating because I feel like nothing will make her happy.  

  
  

  But anyway, now onto the real MOH issues.  Like I mentioned, she has been really snarky after the engagement.  However, she is heavily involved in the planning because FI is so busy, she is basically my stand in groom.  Both issues of particular snarkiness involve my mother, who I have to add I am extremely close with and she is paying for the entire wedding.  My mom is also very opinionated, but again, I have the personality and we have the relationship where I can just tell her she's wrong or that I think differently and it is no big deal. Anyway, myself, my mother and MOH were on our way to go visit a venue and we got into a conversation about the distance of the venue from the church. My MOH said something along the lines of "well the longer the ride the more time you have away from your mother" and both my mom and I were kind of shocked that she would say that, especially in front of my mother.  Then today, she said what in my opinion, is just awful.  We met for lunch and I told her that I found a designer of dresses that I really liked and she asked me if I was going to be going shopping with my mom. I responded obviously because not only is her wallet paying for the dress but I mean, she is my mom and who would not want to go shopping for their wedding dress without their mother especially when they are as close as we are.  Then she actually suggested secretly going dress shopping with just herself before I go with my mother.  She said it was because my mom has too many opinions and would probably stress me out. Excuse me??????? She actually wanted the first time I tried on a wedding dress to be with only her and she actually wanted me to keep it a secret. Is she serious??? Obviously, I straightened her out when it came to that issue and flat out told her she was nuts.  

  
  

  After this, I started thinking about all of these other rude and off hand comments about the wedding.  She knows how much my top choice venue costs only because she went with us to visit it and saw the prices and everything.  But she was making comments like "oh that's that's not that much" ummm this venue is going to cost us 20k for the venue and food. 20k is a lot of money. But the point is that she does it with this "oh my wedding is going to be much more extravagant/I can't believe you are spending only 20k on the venue" attitude. She does it with that passive aggressive attitude.  She does not know our budget but keeps asking about it. It is just not something I am comfortable spreading around because not only is that private information, it is also my parent's money. Who am I to go about telling everyone how much my parents are spending on my wedding, it is no one's business but mine and my parent's!! But she has also been doing this with every other aspect of the wedding.  Honestly, I think she is doing it so that when the time comes that she gets married, she has a baseline of what she has to top.  She did it with the engagement, but that has kind of fizzled now that wedding planning has starting.  She actually asked me how much my ring cost!!! And she had those same passive aggressive comments when she learned that my FI didn't ask my father's permission, again as if that is any of her business.

  
  

  Sorry for the long post but after what she said about the dress, I am just really upset and frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point!!! 

  Ditto @PrettyGirlLost. You don't have a MOH issue. You have a friend issue. And you need to solve that friend issue by sitting her down and having a come-to-Jesus talk with her about her attitude. 

  
  

  Frankly, I don't care how good of a friend someone was to me, a comment like the one she made about my mother IN FRONT OF my mother would have been grounds for a: 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Nobody -- BUT NOBODY -- talks to my Mama that way and stays in my life. 

  
  

  Also -- I have to ask. You mentioned several times in your OP that she's a good friend and you love her and blah blah blah -- but why? I'm not being snarky, I'm being serious. In your whole OP, you gave not one single example of her being a good friend to you. Not one. You didn't even try to offset her shitty behaviour with examples of her being good or awesome or kind. 

  
  

  So, other than being in your life for a long time, why is she your friend? 

  
  

  If you had to hide a body at 3 a.m., would she be the one you'd call?

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

  Report1 Reply
• mrsbanany member

  

  January 2014

  PrettyGirlLost said:

  You don't have a MOH issue, it sounds like your MOH has a friend issue.
  

  amandaj424 said:

  
  

  ". . . she is heavily involved in the planning because FI is so busy, she is basically my stand in groom."  

  ^This is a major issue when you consider this
  
  
  

  amandaj424 said:

  "She has always been jealous of my life.  I am not assuming this, she has told me more  than once."  
  

  
  

  ". . .  the past few years of her life have been pretty rough. Her brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, her first real BF cheated on her. "

  You should not have this poor girl as your stand in groom, especially when she is having such a rough time and it sounds like she is depressed.  No wonder she is so snarky!
  
  Your FI either needs to make time to be involved with planning and executing his own wedding or you need to learn how to make decisions on your own.  You said your mother is opinionated, bounce ideas off of her if need be.
  

  First of all, if she was unable to handle being a MOH because of all of the issues, I would be the first person to understand.  I remember the day her brother was born and I view him as a brother myself.  

  
  

  She is the one who originally decided to be a stand in groom.  I was making all of the decisions by myself and she was the one who suggested that she take a greater role in the planning.  She did this because she knows it is extremely difficult for my FI to find time to dedicate to the wedding planning. 

  
  

  And, if you read the entire post, her snarkiness started well before any of this rough stuff came up.  I would say that her issues made it worse but I would also say my engagement made it much worse. She isn't being snarky because I am not understanding of her problems, which honestly I think is quite an unfair statement to make.  Claiming I am a bad friend because of this? Sorry but I don't agree.  She is the one who decided to take such an active roll, I would never have expected this of her regardless of her circumstances.  

  Report0 Reply
• mrsbanany member

  

  January 2014

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  amandaj424 said:

  So yesterday an issue came up with the venue and date. Today, an issue has come up with my MOH. I ranted about my venue yesterday and today I am going to rant and look for advice about my MOH.  Hope you guys don't think I am spamming you with my problems. Reading what you have to say really does make me feel better

  
  

  My MOH is my very very best friend from elementary school. She along with my FI's sister are the only two in the wedding party, which is a whole other story in itself that we don't need to get into. Some background on MOH and this is going to sound like the most petty and pathetic thing that you have ever heard but bear with me.  She has always been jealous of my life.  I am not assuming this, she has told me more  than once.  It started with high school when my parents sent me to a private school and she stayed in public.  It lead to her being jealous that I was smarter than her and got into a better college. Again, I am repeating what she told me. The most pathetic thing that has happened was when I met my FI.  I was working at a restaurant and a bunch of my friends came in, bringing FI and a few other newbies.  So point is MOH and I met FI at the same time, she liked him and was jealous when we started dating (we were 16 at the time).  She actually told me, after FI and I had been dating for a few months, that she was surprised that he didn't want to go out with her because she was "obviously a much better fit for him".  This is obviously a non-issue now, just wanted to give you some background on her personality.  Her jealousy has gotten worse as the years have gone on. She is the type of girl that will give you a "once over" in a bar and then talk about you and judge you because you ordered a beer and not some fruity girly drink or your shirt is ugly or some other pathetic thing.  But she has been my best friend forever and I love her anyway.  

  
  

  When FI and I got engaged she did one of those "yay so happy for you.....ugh you get everything" kind of congratulations. I know deep down she was actually happy, but I think she just has this feeling of "my life sucks".  I am not going to lie the past few years of her life have been pretty rough. Her brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, her first real BF cheated on her. I think it is just really hard for her to have me, with everything going so great lately, right in front of her while her life is just not what she would like it to be. Because of all of this she has become kind of phony, and tries to project her life as this great positive thing when in reality, she is really sad.  I think she gets tired of trying to project this fake image.  She can be pretty snarky and it has definitely gotten worse since I got engaged. Luckily, I have the personality and we have the relationship where I can call her out on her passive aggressive bullshit because I know she doesn't actually mean it.  I try so hard to be there for her and make her feel good. Yesterday we were discussing Valentine's Day and she was saying how it is a joke because literally all of her friends are in relationships and on top of it, it is a Friday night so she will basically be all alone on a Friday night.  I told her that I would totally hang out with her and we can have a girls night (my anniversary with FI is on the 17th so we go back and forth on which day we celebrate and v-day was never a big deal). She kind of blows off the offer, which is understandable but it is really frustrating because I feel like nothing will make her happy.  

  
  

  But anyway, now onto the real MOH issues.  Like I mentioned, she has been really snarky after the engagement.  However, she is heavily involved in the planning because FI is so busy, she is basically my stand in groom.  Both issues of particular snarkiness involve my mother, who I have to add I am extremely close with and she is paying for the entire wedding.  My mom is also very opinionated, but again, I have the personality and we have the relationship where I can just tell her she's wrong or that I think differently and it is no big deal. Anyway, myself, my mother and MOH were on our way to go visit a venue and we got into a conversation about the distance of the venue from the church. My MOH said something along the lines of "well the longer the ride the more time you have away from your mother" and both my mom and I were kind of shocked that she would say that, especially in front of my mother.  Then today, she said what in my opinion, is just awful.  We met for lunch and I told her that I found a designer of dresses that I really liked and she asked me if I was going to be going shopping with my mom. I responded obviously because not only is her wallet paying for the dress but I mean, she is my mom and who would not want to go shopping for their wedding dress without their mother especially when they are as close as we are.  Then she actually suggested secretly going dress shopping with just herself before I go with my mother.  She said it was because my mom has too many opinions and would probably stress me out. Excuse me??????? She actually wanted the first time I tried on a wedding dress to be with only her and she actually wanted me to keep it a secret. Is she serious??? Obviously, I straightened her out when it came to that issue and flat out told her she was nuts.  

  
  

  After this, I started thinking about all of these other rude and off hand comments about the wedding.  She knows how much my top choice venue costs only because she went with us to visit it and saw the prices and everything.  But she was making comments like "oh that's that's not that much" ummm this venue is going to cost us 20k for the venue and food. 20k is a lot of money. But the point is that she does it with this "oh my wedding is going to be much more extravagant/I can't believe you are spending only 20k on the venue" attitude. She does it with that passive aggressive attitude.  She does not know our budget but keeps asking about it. It is just not something I am comfortable spreading around because not only is that private information, it is also my parent's money. Who am I to go about telling everyone how much my parents are spending on my wedding, it is no one's business but mine and my parent's!! But she has also been doing this with every other aspect of the wedding.  Honestly, I think she is doing it so that when the time comes that she gets married, she has a baseline of what she has to top.  She did it with the engagement, but that has kind of fizzled now that wedding planning has starting.  She actually asked me how much my ring cost!!! And she had those same passive aggressive comments when she learned that my FI didn't ask my father's permission, again as if that is any of her business.

  
  

  Sorry for the long post but after what she said about the dress, I am just really upset and frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point!!! 

  Ditto @PrettyGirlLost. You don't have a MOH issue. You have a friend issue. And you need to solve that friend issue by sitting her down and having a come-to-Jesus talk with her about her attitude. 

  
  

  Frankly, I don't care how good of a friend someone was to me, a comment like the one she made about my mother IN FRONT OF my mother would have been grounds for a: 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Nobody -- BUT NOBODY -- talks to my Mama that way and stays in my life. 

  
  

  Also -- I have to ask. You mentioned several times in your OP that she's a good friend and you love her and blah blah blah -- but why? I'm not being snarky, I'm being serious. In your whole OP, you gave not one single example of her being a good friend to you. Not one. You didn't even try to offset her shitty behaviour with examples of her being good or awesome or kind. 

  
  

  So, other than being in your life for a long time, why is she your friend? 

  
  

  If you had to hide a body at 3 a.m., would she be the one you'd call?

  You know, in ordinary circumstances, I would have kicked her out. But I will not lie, ever since her brother got sick I have given her A LOT more leeway than your average person.  I understand her stress and circumstances so I try to give her the benefit of the doubt.  

  
  

  Honestly, if I had to hide a body at 3 a.m. I would call her, only after my FI of course.  I think that lately, the major reason we are still friends is because of the longevity of our relationship.  But the only reason I say that is because of her recent increase in mean/snarky behavior.  She catty before but no more than your average female on female cattiness.  It has definitely spiked recently, to a point that I am honestly surprised she has friends that haven't known her as long as I have.  Which makes me think that she might only be doing this to me because I have been her friend for so long.  There is no way she can talk like this to the other friends and have them stick around. I haven't mentioned the comments she has had about my weight, they are enough to make your blood boil.  But the thing is, when her old self comes out she is such a good time.  She is funny, friendly and has such an amazing and attractive personality.  

  
  

  For example, we share a love of Harry Potter (among many many other things) that is stronger that we like to admit.  But this is where her new personality comes out.  With her new friends I guess Harry Potter isn't "cool" so she will kind of blow me off if I make a HP related joke or something around them. But then on the weekend we will have a HP movie marathon complete with butterbeer ad her fun, relaxed, old self comes out and she is a blast to be around.  She legitimately loves Harry Potter but that doesn't fit in with her fake and new personality so she has to hide it. I don't get it.  If people don't like me for me and my interests, their loss.  She does not have that philosophy.  She conforms to what she believes other people will like and that catty and pompous attitude (which is apparently what other people will like) is coming into her everyday life. 

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2014

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  Ditto @PrettyGirlLost. You don't have a MOH issue. You have a friend issue. And you need to solve that friend issue by sitting her down and having a come-to-Jesus talk with her about her attitude. 

  
  

  
  

  Friday, I meant the MOH has a friend issue with the OP.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  PrettyGirlLost said:

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  Ditto @PrettyGirlLost. You don't have a MOH issue. You have a friend issue. And you need to solve that friend issue by sitting her down and having a come-to-Jesus talk with her about her attitude. 

  
  

  
  

  Friday, I meant the MOH has a friend issue with the OP.
  

  Oh, I know. And I back that statement. The OP has an MOH who has a friend issue, and that issue needs to be solved by a come-to-Jesus.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

  Report0 Reply
• NYCMercedes member

  

  January 2014

  Sounds to me as though you two need a break from each other. She doesn't need to be so involved in your wedding. You have your FI and your mom. Cool the relationship a bit and I bet you'll get along better without such constant togetherness that's all about you.

  Report1 Reply
• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2014

  amandaj424 said:

  PrettyGirlLost said:

  You don't have a MOH issue, it sounds like your MOH has a friend issue.
  

  amandaj424 said:

  
  

  ". . . she is heavily involved in the planning because FI is so busy, she is basically my stand in groom."  

  ^This is a major issue when you consider this
  
  
  

  amandaj424 said:

  "She has always been jealous of my life.  I am not assuming this, she has told me more  than once."  
  

  
  

  ". . .  the past few years of her life have been pretty rough. Her brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, her first real BF cheated on her. "

  You should not have this poor girl as your stand in groom, especially when she is having such a rough time and it sounds like she is depressed.  No wonder she is so snarky!
  
  Your FI either needs to make time to be involved with planning and executing his own wedding or you need to learn how to make decisions on your own.  You said your mother is opinionated, bounce ideas off of her if need be.
  

  First of all, if she was unable to handle being a MOH because of all of the issues, I would be the first person to understand.  I remember the day her brother was born and I view him as a brother myself.  

  
  

  She is the one who originally decided to be a stand in groom.  Ok, but you didn't need to take her up on the offer.  I was making all of the decisions by myself and she was the one who suggested that she take a greater role in the planning.  She did this because she knows it is extremely difficult for my FI to find time to dedicate to the wedding planning.   But now that you know that this is causing difficulty for her I think you should stop discussing wedding planning with her or at least begin to limit it and phase her out of it.  I think despite her originally willingness to do it, it is adding stress to her life and making her sad.
  

  
  

  And, if you read the entire post, her snarkiness started well before any of this rough stuff came up.  Obviously because she was jealous and most likely depressed to begin with.  Or does she just have a cynical personality?  I would say that her issues made it worse but I would also say my engagement made it much worse.   Of course it did!  She isn't being snarky because I am not understanding of her problems, which honestly I think is quite an unfair statement to make.  I never said that, never said you don't understand her problems.  I think you fail to see the connection between her problems and her acting as your stand in groom.  I think she is snarky because she is unhappy and depressed and that because of that she shouldn't be your stand in Groom as the situation is like rubbing salt in a wound.  Claiming I am a bad friend because of this? Sorry but I don't agree.  I didn't say you were a bad friend, I intimated that there are issues in your relationship with each other.  She is the one who decided to take such an active roll, I would never have expected this of her regardless of her circumstances.  Ok so now you see the writing on the wall, right?  She is in a bad place in her life and helping you plan your wedding is exacerbating the situation.  So put the breaks on that a bit.
  

  
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2014

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  PrettyGirlLost said:

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  Ditto @PrettyGirlLost. You don't have a MOH issue. You have a friend issue. And you need to solve that friend issue by sitting her down and having a come-to-Jesus talk with her about her attitude. 

  
  

  
  

  Friday, I meant the MOH has a friend issue with the OP.
  

  Oh, I know. And I back that statement. The OP has an MOH who has a friend issue, and that issue needs to be solved by a come-to-Jesus.

  Oooooh I get you now! Sorry.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  January 2014

  amandaj424 said:

  HisGirlFriday13 said:

  amandaj424 said:

  So yesterday an issue came up with the venue and date. Today, an issue has come up with my MOH. I ranted about my venue yesterday and today I am going to rant and look for advice about my MOH.  Hope you guys don't think I am spamming you with my problems. Reading what you have to say really does make me feel better

  
  

  My MOH is my very very best friend from elementary school. She along with my FI's sister are the only two in the wedding party, which is a whole other story in itself that we don't need to get into. Some background on MOH and this is going to sound like the most petty and pathetic thing that you have ever heard but bear with me.  She has always been jealous of my life.  I am not assuming this, she has told me more  than once.  It started with high school when my parents sent me to a private school and she stayed in public.  It lead to her being jealous that I was smarter than her and got into a better college. Again, I am repeating what she told me. The most pathetic thing that has happened was when I met my FI.  I was working at a restaurant and a bunch of my friends came in, bringing FI and a few other newbies.  So point is MOH and I met FI at the same time, she liked him and was jealous when we started dating (we were 16 at the time).  She actually told me, after FI and I had been dating for a few months, that she was surprised that he didn't want to go out with her because she was "obviously a much better fit for him".  This is obviously a non-issue now, just wanted to give you some background on her personality.  Her jealousy has gotten worse as the years have gone on. She is the type of girl that will give you a "once over" in a bar and then talk about you and judge you because you ordered a beer and not some fruity girly drink or your shirt is ugly or some other pathetic thing.  But she has been my best friend forever and I love her anyway.  

  
  

  When FI and I got engaged she did one of those "yay so happy for you.....ugh you get everything" kind of congratulations. I know deep down she was actually happy, but I think she just has this feeling of "my life sucks".  I am not going to lie the past few years of her life have been pretty rough. Her brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, her first real BF cheated on her. I think it is just really hard for her to have me, with everything going so great lately, right in front of her while her life is just not what she would like it to be. Because of all of this she has become kind of phony, and tries to project her life as this great positive thing when in reality, she is really sad.  I think she gets tired of trying to project this fake image.  She can be pretty snarky and it has definitely gotten worse since I got engaged. Luckily, I have the personality and we have the relationship where I can call her out on her passive aggressive bullshit because I know she doesn't actually mean it.  I try so hard to be there for her and make her feel good. Yesterday we were discussing Valentine's Day and she was saying how it is a joke because literally all of her friends are in relationships and on top of it, it is a Friday night so she will basically be all alone on a Friday night.  I told her that I would totally hang out with her and we can have a girls night (my anniversary with FI is on the 17th so we go back and forth on which day we celebrate and v-day was never a big deal). She kind of blows off the offer, which is understandable but it is really frustrating because I feel like nothing will make her happy.  

  
  

  But anyway, now onto the real MOH issues.  Like I mentioned, she has been really snarky after the engagement.  However, she is heavily involved in the planning because FI is so busy, she is basically my stand in groom.  Both issues of particular snarkiness involve my mother, who I have to add I am extremely close with and she is paying for the entire wedding.  My mom is also very opinionated, but again, I have the personality and we have the relationship where I can just tell her she's wrong or that I think differently and it is no big deal. Anyway, myself, my mother and MOH were on our way to go visit a venue and we got into a conversation about the distance of the venue from the church. My MOH said something along the lines of "well the longer the ride the more time you have away from your mother" and both my mom and I were kind of shocked that she would say that, especially in front of my mother.  Then today, she said what in my opinion, is just awful.  We met for lunch and I told her that I found a designer of dresses that I really liked and she asked me if I was going to be going shopping with my mom. I responded obviously because not only is her wallet paying for the dress but I mean, she is my mom and who would not want to go shopping for their wedding dress without their mother especially when they are as close as we are.  Then she actually suggested secretly going dress shopping with just herself before I go with my mother.  She said it was because my mom has too many opinions and would probably stress me out. Excuse me??????? She actually wanted the first time I tried on a wedding dress to be with only her and she actually wanted me to keep it a secret. Is she serious??? Obviously, I straightened her out when it came to that issue and flat out told her she was nuts.  

  
  

  After this, I started thinking about all of these other rude and off hand comments about the wedding.  She knows how much my top choice venue costs only because she went with us to visit it and saw the prices and everything.  But she was making comments like "oh that's that's not that much" ummm this venue is going to cost us 20k for the venue and food. 20k is a lot of money. But the point is that she does it with this "oh my wedding is going to be much more extravagant/I can't believe you are spending only 20k on the venue" attitude. She does it with that passive aggressive attitude.  She does not know our budget but keeps asking about it. It is just not something I am comfortable spreading around because not only is that private information, it is also my parent's money. Who am I to go about telling everyone how much my parents are spending on my wedding, it is no one's business but mine and my parent's!! But she has also been doing this with every other aspect of the wedding.  Honestly, I think she is doing it so that when the time comes that she gets married, she has a baseline of what she has to top.  She did it with the engagement, but that has kind of fizzled now that wedding planning has starting.  She actually asked me how much my ring cost!!! And she had those same passive aggressive comments when she learned that my FI didn't ask my father's permission, again as if that is any of her business.

  
  

  Sorry for the long post but after what she said about the dress, I am just really upset and frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point!!! 

  Ditto @PrettyGirlLost. You don't have a MOH issue. You have a friend issue. And you need to solve that friend issue by sitting her down and having a come-to-Jesus talk with her about her attitude. 

  
  

  Frankly, I don't care how good of a friend someone was to me, a comment like the one she made about my mother IN FRONT OF my mother would have been grounds for a: 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Nobody -- BUT NOBODY -- talks to my Mama that way and stays in my life. 

  
  

  Also -- I have to ask. You mentioned several times in your OP that she's a good friend and you love her and blah blah blah -- but why? I'm not being snarky, I'm being serious. In your whole OP, you gave not one single example of her being a good friend to you. Not one. You didn't even try to offset her shitty behaviour with examples of her being good or awesome or kind. 

  
  

  So, other than being in your life for a long time, why is she your friend? 

  
  

  If you had to hide a body at 3 a.m., would she be the one you'd call?

  You know, in ordinary circumstances, I would have kicked her out. But I will not lie, ever since her brother got sick I have given her A LOT more leeway than your average person.  I understand her stress and circumstances so I try to give her the benefit of the doubt.  

  
  

  Honestly, if I had to hide a body at 3 a.m. I would call her, only after my FI of course.  I think that lately, the major reason we are still friends is because of the longevity of our relationship.  But the only reason I say that is because of her recent increase in mean/snarky behavior.  She catty before but no more than your average female on female cattiness.  It has definitely spiked recently, to a point that I am honestly surprised she has friends that haven't known her as long as I have.  Which makes me think that she might only be doing this to me because I have been her friend for so long.  There is no way she can talk like this to the other friends and have them stick around. I haven't mentioned the comments she has had about my weight, they are enough to make your blood boil.  But the thing is, when her old self comes out she is such a good time.  She is funny, friendly and has such an amazing and attractive personality.  

  
  

  For example, we share a love of Harry Potter (among many many other things) that is stronger that we like to admit.  But this is where her new personality comes out.  With her new friends I guess Harry Potter isn't "cool" so she will kind of blow me off if I make a HP related joke or something around them. But then on the weekend we will have a HP movie marathon complete with butterbeer ad her fun, relaxed, old self comes out and she is a blast to be around.  She legitimately loves Harry Potter but that doesn't fit in with her fake and new personality so she has to hide it. I don't get it.  If people don't like me for me and my interests, their loss.  She does not have that philosophy.  She conforms to what she believes other people will like and that catty and pompous attitude (which is apparently what other people will like) is coming into her everyday life. 

  I'll be honest -- you sound like a battered spouse. Seriously. "Oh, (s)he's under a lot of stress." "Oh, (s)he doesn't mean it." "Oh, when (s)he's (her) his old self (s)he's awesome."

  
  

  Do you hear yourself? I mean, honest to God, do you hear yourself? You are making excuses out the ass for this girl, and they all sound like the excuses a victim makes to excuse her abuser's behaviour. 

  
  

  You asked for advice, and you got good advice. You're getting defensive, which tells me you didn't like or want the advice you got, but you asked what to do, and we all told you what to do. 

  
  

  If this girl (for God-only-knows-what reason) means something to you (and dipped if I can see why), then put up with her bullshit, deal with her crap, take her abuse, and smile about it. Otherwise, have a straight-up, honest-to-Jesus conversation with her in which you lay out the ground rules for your friendship and she either shapes up or gets downgraded in your life.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• mrsbanany member

  

  January 2014

  @PrettyGirlLost and @HisGirlFriday13 I think you both are making good points and I appreciate the advice more than you know.  But here is where I am getting confused.  PrettyGirl, I don't mean to get defensive and I get the feeling that from what you are saying it is a bad decision for me to allow her to have such an active role. However, I don't think that her extremely active role is the cause of her snarkiness. I think it is a new outlet for her snarkiness.

  
  

  Friday, what I get from what you are saying is that the wedding planning doesn't have much to do with it and that it is just her change in personality. But now it is manifesting itself in different ways because of the wedding. 

  
  

  If what I gather you guys are saying is correct, I would agree more if with Friday only because I do not think that the wedding is a true cause of the added snarkiness. I think that she has found a new outlet to be mean. And since she is greatly involved, she has plenty of material to feed her cynical personality. PrettyGirl, you are right she has a very cynical personality.  Not joking, if you are in a room with a mirror or even a window where she can see her reflection she will stare at herself while she is talking to you.  Look at herself, not the person she is talking to. If you go out with her and you aren't dressed to her standards she will make off hand comments about how she will never meet a guy if she has friends dressed like that.  She also even asked me to take my engagement ring off when we went out so that we could talk to more guys. When I said no, she has literally stopped asking me to go out with her. I literally cannot remember the last time she was the person to initiate the invitation to go out to a bar, club, anywhere there is potential to meet a guy, since I got engaged.  She has run out of fat jokes but now she can make comments about how my wedding is "ok but not as good as hers will be" 

  
  

  Honestly, the more I write about this the more I agree with you Friday about sounding like a battered spouse.  But I do not want to cut her out completely because of the fact that we have been friends for a long time and the fact that her brother is still very sick and I know that affects her.  I guess I will take PrettyGirl's advice and just slowly start filtering wedding stuff out because I do not want this kind of negativity surrounding my wedding. 

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• Viczaesar member

  

  January 2014

  The long and short of it is, if you don't like her wedding-related comments, you need to not talk about the wedding with her.  It sounds like there are issues in your friendship that you and she need to deal with, but you should take the wedding out of consideration and work on the friendship issue aside from that.
  

  
  
  
  

  Report2 Reply
• abbyj700 member

  

  January 2014

  I'm confused on why you're friends - as you have nothing good to say about her. Then again...friends is one thing - why is she your MOH? I don't have an MOH - I have four bridesmaids - NONE of them would treat me the way she is treating you - nor would I say such horribly negative things about any of them on a message board or ever. 

  
  

  You need to tell your FI this is his wedding too and he needs to be involved. And the MOH needs to be there for shower/bachelorette planning if she wishes and just the obligation of purchasing the dress and showing up to participate in the wedding. You need to remove her from this picture a bit or you two will never make it to the wedding as friends.

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2014

  I really am having a hard time understanding why you are still friends with this girl and why you chose her as your MOH? 

  
  

  I'm not trying to be rude, but can I ask how old you are? 

  
  

  The reason I ask is this - when I was in my 20s, I stayed friends with a lot of people for the wrong reasons. "Oh, we've been friends since grade school!" "She's going through a really rough time right now." "She was such a good friend to me in high school." But in actuality, these girls weren't good friends. And if the only reason I was keeping them around was because of history, well, that wasn't a good enough reason. Once I hit my 30s, I didn't have as much tolerance for drama. And I wasn't interested in "friends" that treated me like shit, or friendships that seemed one sided. I ended a few friendships with girls I had known because it just wasn't good for me to have people like that around. When it comes to friendships, it's quality that matters, not quantity, you know?

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• mrsbanany member

  

  January 2014

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  I really am having a hard time understanding why you are still friends with this girl and why you chose her as your MOH? 

  
  

  I'm not trying to be rude, but can I ask how old you are? 

  
  

  The reason I ask is this - when I was in my 20s, I stayed friends with a lot of people for the wrong reasons. "Oh, we've been friends since grade school!" "She's going through a really rough time right now." "She was such a good friend to me in high school." But in actuality, these girls weren't good friends. And if the only reason I was keeping them around was because of history, well, that wasn't a good enough reason. Once I hit my 30s, I didn't have as much tolerance for drama. And I wasn't interested in "friends" that treated me like shit, or friendships that seemed one sided. I ended a few friendships with girls I had known because it just wasn't good for me to have people like that around. When it comes to friendships, it's quality that matters, not quantity, you know?

  Deep down she is a good person and a good friend. Believe me, I am well aware of quality over quantity. I am in my 20s and I do no have a tolerance for drama at all. I went through a tough time in my life and it was then that I realized who my true friends were and she is one of them.  The fact of the matter is that she is going through a very difficult time right now. While that is definitely having its impact on her, she is still a good friend and probably the only friend I have that I can count on 100%, despite her attitude.  That is why we are sill friends and that is why she is my MOH.  

  
  

  My question is, how do I handle her being passive aggressive towards the wedding. I am going to start to slowly lessen her role.  What do I say to her? How do I start this come-to-Jesus? We have had them before but it was never needed to this extent before. 

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• jneen101 member

  

  January 2014

  
  

  
  

  
  

  My question is, how do I handle her being passive aggressive towards the wedding. I am going to start to slowly lessen her role.  What do I say to her? How do I start this come-to-Jesus? We have had them before but it was never needed to this extent before. 

  Can you just not involve her in the planning of your wedding anymore?  Keep her as a MOH if you want her, but honestly it sounds like you don't even like her, but if you want her, keep her, just don't talk to her about your wedding all the time.
  

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