What makes someone a host of a wedding?

SBmini · January 2014

I've tried searching for this, but short of day of responsibilities, I can't find any list that discusses when someone is or isn't hosting a wedding. My fiance's parents have made a sizable contribution to the wedding and his mom has been far more helpful in planning than my own mom has been. But when I suggested we include their names on the invitation, my parents flipped out. I think it is really rude not to include his parents given what they've done and I don't see why they wouldn't be considered hosts. Thoughts?

Blue & White · January 2014

Sounds like they're hosting to me. My FI's parents aren't hosting but I still included them as "bob, son of mrs Mary and mr bill jones"

That doesn't imply they're hosting but maybe it would be an ok compromise?

melbelleup · January 2014

I would just include both parents, or put "Together with their parents" We're using the together with their parents.... my parents first flipped because they like the name thing, but then I was like you'd have to put his parents too, so then there's 3 sets of names on the invitation with 6 people... it gets wordy and too confusing. My dad immediately nixed it once I told him how it would read and said together with their parents sounds fabulous. Though, my parents are paying more, his parents are paying some and we're paying some.

ETA: it gets too confusing for us because my FI and his dad have the same name, but different middles, so they're not jr./senior or II/III they're their own person

AroundTheBlock · January 2014

The hostess is the person who takes final responsibility for all decisions related to her guests' comfort, safety and entertainment; and who puts her social reputation on the line to guarantee those considerations to her guests.

Naturally, "responsibility" includes she must make sure that all related bills get paid, but it is not altered according to where she gets the money to do so. The role of host should not be offered up for sale to the most lucrative sponsor; and financial details should not be advertised nor discussed in public. Properly, a private social event has only one hostess, and one host -- her husband -- if the hostess is married, whereas club events or other semi-public events are often hosted by a committee.

From the few details you have given, it looks like you are the hostess. Since a hostess cannot throw a party in her own honour, a good solution is to make both sets of parents your "guests of honour" and name them as such on the invitation.

jenniferurs · January 2014

My FMIL seemed kind of miffed that she wasn't listed on the invitation, but she hasn't been involved with planning and my mom is paying for the entire thing. That being said, we were okay to leave her off, yes?

Maggie0829 · January 2014

jenniferurs said:

My FMIL seemed kind of miffed that she wasn't listed on the invitation, but she hasn't been involved with planning and my mom is paying for the entire thing. That being said, we were okay to leave her off, yes?

Yes, you were fine to leave her off the invite. If she has not contributed financially then she is not a host of the event. I never understand why people get upset for not being listed on the invite.

My parents were the host of our wedding because they paid for it. Even though H and I made the decisions on vendors and such we still had to consult with my parents regarding the prices since it was their money.

kmmssg · January 2014

We roll just like Maggie and her parents. We pay but our girls and their FIs make the choices. We do, however, usually go with "Together with our parents" because of convoluted divorces, stepparents, etc and avoiding putting too many names on the invitation.

I do not understand when parents who do not pay/host get in a snit when they aren't listed on the invitation. It isn't a playbill, it is an invitation issued from the hosts. Parents are listed in the program.

Chipmunk415 · January 2014

My folks are paying, though FI's have offered funds towards RD. We talked it over with my folks.

FI wasn't comfortable with the very formal wording of "Dr. and Mrs. Chipmunk invite you to celebrate the marriage of their daughter, Chipmunk, to FI, son of Mr. and Mrs. X." Additionally, FI's mom is deceased, and FI and his stepmom are not best buds. He was really uncomfortable with listing Stepmom as a parent, felt it was disrespectful to his mom's memory (he was out of the house and in the Marines when FFIL met and married Stepmom) but at the same time did not want to hurt Stepmom's feelings. After hearing our reasoning, my folks were ok with "together with our families" wording.

Talk it over with them, explain how you feel. Sounds like FI's family is definitely hosting in part.

artbyallie · January 2014

AroundTheBlock said:

The hostess is the person who takes final responsibility for all decisions related to her guests' comfort, safety and entertainment; and who puts her social reputation on the line to guarantee those considerations to her guests.

Naturally, "responsibility" includes she must make sure that all related bills get paid, but it is not altered according to where she gets the money to do so. The role of host should not be offered up for sale to the most lucrative sponsor; and financial details should not be advertised nor discussed in public. Properly, a private social event has only one hostess, and one host -- her husband -- if the hostess is married, whereas club events or other semi-public events are often hosted by a committee.

From the few details you have given, it looks like you are the hostess. Since a hostess cannot throw a party in her own honour, a good solution is to make both sets of parents your "guests of honour" and name them as such on the invitation.

This is all wrong. There are no 'guests of honor' at a wedding. There doesn't have to be just one host/hostess and they don't have to be married. The responsibility part might work for a non-wedding party, but just not here. Some people hire wedding planners to do that, for one thing.

vt&dt · January 2014

OP, I think you should include them on the invite if they are paying for a large portion and helping in the planning.

My parents are paying (FI and I are doing all/most of the planning, but run everything by them first - similar to Maggie) and offered to include my FILs on the invite because that's just how they are.

We had:

John and Jane myparents

and

John and Jane hisparents

If they're helping pay/host, they absolutely should either be listed by name or in "together with our parents/families"

SBmini · January 2014

I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking they are hosting. In fact- his mom has acted way more like a gracious host than my parents have. I am really upset that my parents think it is "ungrateful" of us to want to add his parents names.

Does anyone have a resource I can send my parents that show them they are co-hosts? It bothers me that they think just because they are paying more they are the hosts when they don't want to take care of any of the responsibilities that come with the role.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

SBmini said:

I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking they are hosting. In fact- his mom has acted way more like a gracious host than my parents have. I am really upset that my parents think it is "ungrateful" of us to want to add his parents names.

Does anyone have a resource I can send my parents that show them they are co-hosts? It bothers me that they think just because they are paying more they are the hosts when they don't want to take care of any of the responsibilities that come with the role.

Well technically who ever is paying for the wedding is hosting- so your parents ARE hosting. . . but so are your FIL's if they are also contributing.

Who is going to send out the invitations, you and your FI? If you want to list his parents on the invitations I suggest you do it, and do not further discuss this subject with your parents.

SBmini · January 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

SBmini said:

I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking they are hosting. In fact- his mom has acted way more like a gracious host than my parents have. I am really upset that my parents think it is "ungrateful" of us to want to add his parents names.

Does anyone have a resource I can send my parents that show them they are co-hosts? It bothers me that they think just because they are paying more they are the hosts when they don't want to take care of any of the responsibilities that come with the role.

Well technically who ever is paying for the wedding is hosting- so your parents ARE hosting. . . but so are your FIL's if they are also contributing.

Who is going to send out the invitations, you and your FI? If you want to list his parents on the invitations I suggest you do it, and do not further discuss this subject with your parents.

We're sending the invitations out to my side and friends, his mom is handling distribution to their guests per his culture's tradition. My parents are paying for the invitations. As such, I sent my mom the final wording with the design for her information.

CrazyCatLady3 · January 2014

SBmini said:

I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking they are hosting. In fact- his mom has acted way more like a gracious host than my parents have. I am really upset that my parents think it is "ungrateful" of us to want to add his parents names.

Does anyone have a resource I can send my parents that show them they are co-hosts? It bothers me that they think just because they are paying more they are the hosts when they don't want to take care of any of the responsibilities that come with the role.

I wanted to just do "together with their parents" because I don't like the old school wording with just the bride's parents' names and my FI thought his parents would be upset if they weren't listed but mine were. However my mom was super pissed that her name wasn't going to be on there specifically, and she is giving a generous amount towards the wedding. So what we had to do was:

"CrazyCatLady and FI

together with their parents

Susie and John Smith

Mary and Bob Jones

request the pleasure of your company at their wedding"

This way everyone's name was on but there wasn't the old school wording which I hate because I am 34 and not getting married out of my parents' home.

It is wordier than it could have been, which I don't like, but no one agreed with the idea that you don't honor people by putting them on the invitation. They still think it's an honor to be listed and felt slighted about not being on there specifically.

Unfortunately TK perpetuates this idea: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-invitation-questions/qa/invitation-wording-using-all-parents-names.aspx

Specifically: "Yes, it may get long, but it's more important to honor your parents than to save space." UGH!

Also, this: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-invitation-questions/qa/grooms-parents-host.aspx

SBmini · January 2014

I have a feeling my mom would be even more upset at "together with their parents" because that not only means she's co-hosting with his family, but with us as well.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

SBmini said:

I have a feeling my mom would be even more upset at "together with their parents" because that not only means she's co-hosting with his family, but with us as well.

Your Mom needs to get over it. What, does she think people read "Together with their parents" and think "ooh the brides parents must not have enough money to pay for the whole thing themselves so they needed help." because no one will think that. In fact, not many people really pay attention to the invite wording (well in my circle they don't). Most people care about the two people getting married "oh Sue and Bob are getting married" and the date "and look they are getting married on June 6th, the weather should be nice then."

kmmssg · January 2014

I have a feeling my mom would be even more upset at "together with their parents" because that not only means she's co-hosting with his family, but with us as well.

STUCK IN THE BOX. Yeah, it works for some but not for everyone. I offered it up as a suggestion with the first daughter's wedding to save her some heartache with her stepmom - long story. It worked for her and the other girls but I can see where it wouldn't for others.

CrazyCatLady3 · January 2014

SBmini said:

I have a feeling my mom would be even more upset at "together with their parents" because that not only means she's co-hosting with his family, but with us as well.

Well, are you the one planning the wedding? That's what I pointed out to my mom. She may be contributing financially, but I am planning the whole wedding, so I consider myself a host in that respect.

SBmini · January 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

SBmini said:

I have a feeling my mom would be even more upset at "together with their parents" because that not only means she's co-hosting with his family, but with us as well.

Well, are you the one planning the wedding? That's what I pointed out to my mom. She may be contributing financially, but I am planning the whole wedding, so I consider myself a host in that respect.

Oh yes, in that regard, my fiance and I are totally the hosts and second would be his mom. But neither my fiance and I care if we're recognized as such on the invitation. I just explained how I defined hosting to my dad (who is always the middle man when my mom is mad at me) and why I do believe his parents are hosts. He's going to relay that to my mom. I'm hopeful that my fiance's parents will get reinstated at the top of the invitation as a result.

CrazyCatLady3 · January 2014

SBmini said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

SBmini said:

I have a feeling my mom would be even more upset at "together with their parents" because that not only means she's co-hosting with his family, but with us as well.

Well, are you the one planning the wedding? That's what I pointed out to my mom. She may be contributing financially, but I am planning the whole wedding, so I consider myself a host in that respect.

Oh yes, in that regard, my fiance and I are totally the hosts and second would be his mom. But neither my fiance and I care if we're recognized as such on the invitation. I just explained how I defined hosting to my dad (who is always the middle man when my mom is mad at me) and why I do believe his parents are hosts. He's going to relay that to my mom. I'm hopeful that my fiance's parents will get reinstated at the top of the invitation as a result.

Another thing that helped with my mom was to tell her that her name would be prominently displayed on the program and asking her to walk me down the aisle with my dad. You can also tell her it's the diplomatic thing to do when joining families. Obviously having her name on there matters to her, so she should understand that it might matter to your FI's parents too.

SBmini · January 2014

Thanks! I did let them know that what ever hurt they are feeling because we want to include his parents' names are exactly how his parents would feel if they aren't included. My mom is the MOTB for crying out loud! Everyone is going to know who she is at the wedding. That's a good thing to remind her of.

phira · January 2014

In terms of, "How do you know who's hosting a wedding?" I think it's more than just who's paying for it.

We're getting financial assistance with our wedding from my mom and my aunt and uncle. However, that's really it. My partner and I are doing all of the research and vendor selection, all of the stationery selection and design, we're drawing up the whole guest list ourselves, we're receiving the RSVPs, etc.

Meanwhile, my cousin's parents are paying for her whole wedding and are REALLY clearly hosting it. She and her fiance picked out their save the dates and invitations, and they selected their venue, but her parents are the ones making the guest list and are the people on the contracts.

pinkshorts27 · January 2014

Oh my goodness. I'm going to hug my parents tonight who don't really care about things like that and offer to help with no strings. I'm sorry everyone has to deal with that stuff.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Invitation wording isn't supposed to reflect who's paying, how much, or for what. None of that is any of the guests' business.

The question is: Who is issuing the invitations, receiving the responses, greeting the guests at the wedding, and seeing that their needs are met? If someone is contributing money but not doing these things, his/her name doesn't belong as the host.

Nor is the purpose of the invitation to "honor" anyone other than the guest or to map out the family tree. Parents who flip out because their children don't want to list their names when they're not doing these things, or because they want to list the other parents are doing them, really need to grow up.

If all parents are acting as hosts, you should be able to use "Together with their parents," especially in situations involving divorces and/or remarriages with sticky relationships.

phira · January 2014

I also want to dispute the idea that there are no honored guests at weddings. You wouldn't list honored guests on invitations, sure, but generally parents, grandparents, siblings, and the wedding party (including users and kids) are considered honored guests.

The idea is that you're getting married, and there are people you chose to honor by involving them in the ceremony or asking them to do a special dance with you or make a toast.

SBmini · January 2014

That was a PAINFUL call with my parents. A lot of pent up anger and resentment. But we worked through it all and she's agreed to having their name on the invitation. It came down to pride. And the fact that she couldn't actually afford the wedding she wanted to give us and was haven't trouble accepting that if other people help out, they will get "credit". The whoas of being the first daughter to wed, I guess.

ashleyep · January 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

SBmini said:

I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking they are hosting. In fact- his mom has acted way more like a gracious host than my parents have. I am really upset that my parents think it is "ungrateful" of us to want to add his parents names.

Does anyone have a resource I can send my parents that show them they are co-hosts? It bothers me that they think just because they are paying more they are the hosts when they don't want to take care of any of the responsibilities that come with the role.

I wanted to just do "together with their parents" because I don't like the old school wording with just the bride's parents' names and my FI thought his parents would be upset if they weren't listed but mine were. However my mom was super pissed that her name wasn't going to be on there specifically, and she is giving a generous amount towards the wedding. So what we had to do was:

"CrazyCatLady and FI

together with their parents

Susie and John Smith
Mary and Bob Jones

request the pleasure of your company at their wedding"

This way everyone's name was on but there wasn't the old school wording which I hate because I am 34 and not getting married out of my parents' home.

It is wordier than it could have been, which I don't like, but no one agreed with the idea that you don't honor people by putting them on the invitation. They still think it's an honor to be listed and felt slighted about not being on there specifically.
Unfortunately TK perpetuates this idea: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-invitation-questions/qa/invitation-wording-using-all-parents-names.aspx

Specifically: "Yes, it may get long, but it's more important to honor your parents than to save space." UGH!

Also, this: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-invitation-questions/qa/grooms-parents-host.aspx

My mom is giving me crap because I'm not putting "Son of Mr. His Dad and Mrs. His Mom" underneath his name (I'm doing the old school wording with my parents). She doesn't get that that's not really a "thing" even though a lot of wedding we've been to have done. She thinks they'll be offended by not being listed on the invitation. She says she'd like to have her name listed on my brother's invites when he gets married. His parents haven't contributed a single thing, and FI is having some issues with them right now. He told me he would be upset if I *did* put their names on it.

CrazyCatLady3 · January 2014

SBmini said:

That was a PAINFUL call with my parents. A lot of pent up anger and resentment. But we worked through it all and she's agreed to having their name on the invitation. It came down to pride. And the fact that she couldn't actually afford the wedding she wanted to give us and was haven't trouble accepting that if other people help out, they will get "credit". The whoas of being the first daughter to wed, I guess.

I'm glad you worked it out. This whole thread just shows the significance people place on invitation wording, deserved or not.

SBmini · January 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

SBmini said:

That was a PAINFUL call with my parents. A lot of pent up anger and resentment. But we worked through it all and she's agreed to having their name on the invitation. It came down to pride. And the fact that she couldn't actually afford the wedding she wanted to give us and was haven't trouble accepting that if other people help out, they will get "credit". The whoas of being the first daughter to wed, I guess.

I'm glad you worked it out. This whole thread just shows the significance people place on invitation wording, deserved or not.

Ugh, stuck in a box! Thanks. I had a feeling my mom would have trouble with the wording, she's been having trouble letting my FMIL in for the whole planning process because she's always felt it was her role and not theirs. That's why I sent her the wording before just ordering the invitations, I knew she would lose her mind if I didn't run them by her first. It's a good lesson to everyone to have these conversations before you do something you can't undo.

What makes someone a host of a wedding?

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