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Over exuberant MOB

sarah_goodrumsarah_goodrum member
Seventh Anniversary 10 Comments Combo Breaker
in Moms and Maids
I'm the MOH for a couple of friends of mine (they had a 'fight' over whether I'd be Bride's side or Groom's side lol). I love them both and the MOB just cracks me up - she's an absolutely joyous spirit. MOB and FOB pretty much eloped (so she never had the big wedding that she always wanted) so she's living vicariously through the bride - and that means planning BIG. Here's my dilemma: the bride's family is pretty well off, so MOB is sometimes like a 7 year old playing dress up with a credit card. She's talking about all of these visions for all of the wonderful pre-wedding parties - 2 bridal showers, 2 lingerie showers and a bachelorette getaway (in Vegas! No, wait, Mexico! No, Jamaica!!!) and (since she's never done any wedding planning before) she's asking me what I'm supposed to do and what she's supposed to do. She's such a sweet lady (and loves throwing parties) that I don't really have the heart to tell her that all she's really supposed to do is show up and smile, while I know that it's not financially possible for me to plan even /half/ of what she wants for her baby girl. I'm planning a shower and bachelorette party (that will probably have a lingerie shower aspect to it - unless I get a lot of uproar here about how a lingerie shower is a lingerie shower and a bachelorette party is a bachelorette party and neither the twain shall meet! ;-) ) So, what is a polite way to tell her that I really can't afford to throw 5 parties (especially since my husband recently lost his job, and I'm a student as well as working full time)? And, obviously, I'm not going to ask the other members of the bridal party to pay for throwing extra parties that I can't afford to contribute to.
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Re: Over exuberant MOB

  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    She actually can throw any of the parties she wants. I think you mixing up what she CAN do with all she's REQUIRED to do. She can throw a shower if she wants to. Her throwing a bachelorette might be strange but it depends on whether it's wild or more mellow.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If the MOB wants to throw lavish parties then let her. The only thing to keep in mind is the guest list for the parties should not over lap (meaning the same people shouldn't be invited to all three showers).

    The next time you two talk tell her what you are planning (are the other BMs helping? If so have you asked for their input/budgets?). And let her know that since you are planning these parties that you can't help her with her parties. But you never know the MOB may just want to help you out and then you could plan together.

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  • sarah_goodrumsarah_goodrum member
    Seventh Anniversary 10 Comments Combo Breaker
    So frowning on the family of the bride asking for gifts isn't a thing anymore?
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    sarah_goodrum said:
    So frowning on the family of the bride asking for gifts isn't a thing anymore?
    Back in the day, the bride lived with her parents until she married and moved in with her husband. She had few assets of her own, so it was her family's responsibility to provide her with the necessities to start a home. That's what a hope chest was for. The MOB would have been shirking her duties, if she expected other people to provide those items for her daughter. 

    In my circle, the MOB, or other family member, usually pays or contributes substantially to the cost of the shower, by providing the food. That's because we don't want to burden the bms or bride's other friends with the cost of feeding the bride's family members. The MOG sometimes helps, too. Sometimes the bms contribute or help with hosting duties, such as making the guests comfortable, decorating, or clean up, if needed and they may be listed as the hosts of the shower. 






                       
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  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    sarah_goodrum said:
    So frowning on the family of the bride asking for gifts isn't a thing anymore?
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but I got the impression that it was more okay for families to throw showers now because most women have been out of their parents house for a bit before they got married.

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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I was one of two BMs for a bride whose FMIL paid for a shower, bachelorette party, and half the wedding. She gave us free reign to spend as much money as we wanted, no budget, and kept suggesting more things -- like five kinds of goat cheese at the shower.

    She had two sons, and had always wanted a daughter, so this was her chance to live vicariously. It made her happy, made the bride happy, and made me and the other BM happy.

    If I were a guest, I wouldn't side-eye who was hosting the shower or party; I would only side-eye if I got invited to multiple iterations of the same thing (i.e., two showers, or two lingerie parties, or two whatevers).
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    sarah_goodrum said:
    So frowning on the family of the bride asking for gifts isn't a thing anymore?
    Yeah, that really isn't a faux pas anymore.

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  • clarke10clarke10 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    She can plan the parties if she wants to. Just tell her you can't afford to chip in. 
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  • Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    My daughter had a wonderful MOH who I love forever.  She also has no extra money and a wedding of her own to plan.  I planned and paid for the shower and she hosted it.  I had the money she did not, just that simple.  The invitation ended with "Given with love by MOH and MOB (names)".  When she got there, I sat and enjoyed and she did all the work. 
    If this MOB wants to pay for a ton of parties, let her enjoy.
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  • lovemyrunnerlovemyrunner member
    Ninth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    If you check out TK's etiquette board, all the ladies there are ADAMANT that families should NEVER host a shower.  So, yeah, officially, it's still against the rules.  I agree with you ladies though.  I couldn't care less who's hosting the shower, and I think a lot of the etiquette rules are rather old fashioned and nit-picky.  To me, people who harp on these things come across as overly judgmental militants with too much time on their hands.
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  • AprilH81AprilH81 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    eatuttle said:
    If you check out TK's etiquette board, all the ladies there are ADAMANT that families should NEVER host a shower.  So, yeah, officially, it's still against the rules.  I agree with you ladies though.  I couldn't care less who's hosting the shower, and I think a lot of the etiquette rules are rather old fashioned and nit-picky.  To me, people who harp on these things come across as overly judgmental militants with too much time on their hands.
    No, even there you will get a mixed reaction, but as long as the bride isn't throwing herself a shower/party then most people don't side-eye it.

    There are still pockets of people who adhere to the old rule, so this is very much a "know your crowd" situation.
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