Wedding Party or No Wedding Party - Help! (It's Complicated)

Re: Wedding Party or No Wedding Party - Help! (It's Complicated)

• delujm0 member

  

  December 2013

  1. OK.  Does your FI want to have a wedding party?

  2. Members of the wedding party don't have to know each other.  They just have to wear matching outfits and stand next to eah other for the duration of your ceremony.

  3. irrelevant, unless you are saying this because you feel like some of the people you would ask to be in your wedding party would be unable to make the trip.

  4. they dont have to get along.  they just have to act like aduls for one night.  similar to #2.

  5. That would be perfectly acceptable.

  6. You don't pick a wedding party so that you'll have cool pictures. You pick them to stand next to you because you can't imagine not sharing this important life moment with them, and because you want to specally honor your friendship.

  7. If you have 50 guests anad 20 of them are in the wedding party, I agree, i looks a bit ridiculous.  It is an honor simply to be invied.  But a small wedding party would not be weird, regardless of the breakdown of family/friends in attenance.

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  December 2013

  It's really entirely up to you. 

  
  

  The thing to remember about wedding parties is that they don't have to be even (he could have all his friends and you just have one or two); they don't have to match; they don't have to get along/like each other/know each other; all they have to do is buy the right attire and show up on time, so if you pick easy things ("any black dress" or "any black suit") they can do that wherever they live and just bring it to the wedding.

  
  

  DH's GM were his best friend since high school (BM), another friend from high school, and his brother. They all knew each other, had gone to school together, etc.

  
  

  My BM were three women from three phases of my life; my SIL, a friend from a place I used to live, a friend from where I live now. They didn't know each other before my wedding -- they didn't actually meet in person until my wedding day -- and it was all fine. We had a blast getting ready, they enjoyed chatting with each other, and I'm glad I asked them each, even without them knowing each other. 

  
  

  Bottom line: Imagine the people you can't imagine getting married without, and ask them to be your WP.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• kgd7357 member

  

  December 2013

  I would just do your siblings and maybe just your closest friend each if you want a wedding party. It'll be a nice little trio to get ready with and it's only the most special people.  It's totally okay to have only 3-4 other friends at the wedding with a small WP.

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• chachadee member

  

  December 2013

  Yea I didn't mean I want a wedding party to "have cool photos," I meant when I see those photos and I think about how I want our wedding to be fun and laughter-filled that does not line up with just having my sister there. We don't even get along! My mom is expecting me to "return the favor" and have my sister in it, but the situation is totally different for my wedding, she ONLY had immediate family for a small ceremony. We are going a lot bigger and I want to have fun. I think I will have a few friends, and not include her. I don't want this to be about obligation, I want to enjoy it.

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• kgd7357 member

  

  December 2013

  Ah, didn't realize you didn't get along. Yeah, I would have her be a witness. Then have a 2-3 friends in the WP. Just your best friends.

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• JellyBean52513 member

  

  December 2013

  Your WP members don't have to know each other. They'll all meet at your wedding, and they'll bond over being a very important part of your big day. As for the one who don't get along, they will probably manage to act like adults for 24 hours.

  
  

  Since it seems like your nearest and dearest are far away from each other, simplify everything that you can for the WP members you DO choose: either give them guidelines for what you'd like their dress to look like (i.e., tea length, lavender, little bit of bling) and they can get it on their own and just show up the day of, or ask each one her dress budget and pick out a dress for them to order that falls within the lowest budget; don't expect any pre-wedding parties to be hosted, since traveling a lot could put a financial/time strain on them; start a private Facebook group so your WP can start to mingle and get to know each other if you want. Remember: all your WP needs to do is show up that day in their dress!

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• emmyg65 member

  

  December 2013

  You don't need to have a wedding party. We didn't, and our wedding album is still full of pictures of us having a blast with our families and friends.

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• zitiqueen member

  

  December 2013

  chachadee said:

  Yea I didn't mean I want a wedding party to "have cool photos," I meant when I see those photos and I think about how I want our wedding to be fun and laughter-filled that does not line up with just having my sister there. We don't even get along! My mom is expecting me to "return the favor" and have my sister in it, but the situation is totally different for my wedding, she ONLY had immediate family for a small ceremony. We are going a lot bigger and I want to have fun. I think I will have a few friends, and not include her. I don't want this to be about obligation, I want to enjoy it.

  Weddings aren't tit-for-tat. You don't need to have your sister in the BP if you don't want to.

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• Rebl90 member

  

  December 2013

  chachadee said:

  We still want our wedding weekend  Are you calling your RD and wedding your "wedding weekend"? If so I hope you keep in mind that your attendants are not required to attend anything except the the wedding.  If you plan other activities, be sure to remember that not everyone will be able to attend everything. Your wedding is one day, not a weekend. to be fun and lively and include our friends, but we also aren't sure having a wedding party is for us.

  Here are the circumstances to consider
  

  1) My fiance lived in the same place his whole life and has a close group of friends. Normal. Who does he want in the WP? That's completely his choice. 

  2) I moved around a lot and my closest friends don't even know each other. Most of mine don't either, but we're all adults so I'm sure they can handle it. 

  3) We both lived in So Cal and that is where all his friends live, but we now live in Chicago, and are getting married in Cape Cod, Mass. Does he think his friends will travel?

  4) My 2 friends who do live in Chicago are the only 2 who know each other and they don't get along. Why can't they get along for the length of a wedding ceremony and reception? Did one of them harm the other? Like I said before, adults should be able to "get along".

  5) He has a brother and I have a sister, each of us stood witness in their weddings, so it would be acceptable to simply have them do the same. Unless you are extremely close to them you do not need to have them involved in the wedding. It has nothing to do with making it "acceptable"

  6) Every wedding album I see online has great photos of wedding parties, they always look like they're having a blast, and I feel like I might regret not having those memories if we have our (older than us, married, with children) siblings instead of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Not every wedding and wedding party will be the same, you need to adjust your expectations.

  7) We are only inviting a small number of friends- Too big to have all of our friends be IN the wedding, too small a number to comfortably exclude the others (2-4 people) as "the only friends not in the wedding."  I'm not sure how this is relevant, I'm probably missing something though. 

  Phew. Ok. Those are circumstances. Like a PP said, that's all pretty run of the mill for most people. 

  How I feel about it: Organizing a wedding party with most of the people we would ask living in CA while we live in IL for a wedding in MA sounds like it would be difficult and doesn't seem like we should, but I really don't want to regret not doing it later.. There's really nothing to organize. Choose a store for BM dresses (or allow them to choose their own based off of a color) and do the same for GM and suits/tuxedos.  Set your Rehearsal for the week of the wedding and enjoy spending time with whoever can make it. Any showers/bach parties are not handled by you or your FI at all, so just figure out attire and move on to the next part of the wedding.

  Any input welcome!

  Thanks!

  
  

  
  

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• wrigleyville member

  

  December 2013 edited December 2013

  We were in a similar situation. It ended up like this:

  
  

  Our guest list was approx 60 people. We decided to have just a BM and MOH to make it simple (plus, it was a small wedding, so having more than that seemed odd to us). Since 43 people came, it was perfect.

  
  

  My MOH was my best friend. We lived in the same town until last year. Now she lives two hours away. She came to my town (Chicago) so we could fly to Vegas together.

  
  

  H's BM was his brother, who lives 1400 miles away from us and 600 miles from the wedding location. He met us at the airport, and we all took the shuttle to the hotel together.

  
  

  Even though there were "only" two attendants, we got some great wedding shots, and we had so much fun! It actually made it a lot easier to coordinate getting ready, taking pictures, etc. We only had ourselves and those two to worry about, and we were all together pretty much the entire time pre-wedding. My MOH was stoked about helping with last-minute stuff (she offered), and H's brother helped keep him chill and happy while she and I worried about the details.

  
  

  So, that's just my two cents. A big WP can be tons of fun, but it can also be a headache. A small wedding party can be a lot easier and lots of fun, but you won't get some of the pictures you want.

  
  

  You have to ask yourself what's more important, really.

  
  

  Also, we did some pretty fun group shots with the MOH, BM, and some of our other close friends. Even though it wasn't matchy-matchy with all those people in all of their various wedding clothes, they're some of my favorite shots from the wedding because we all look so HAPPY. That's the big thing at the end of the day - happiness. (Plus, I didn't care about matchy-matchy.)

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• Inkdancer member

  

  December 2013

  I was the only person who stood up with my parents when they got married. I walked my mother down the aisle. It was very sweet and she loved it.
  
  For my wedding, I am having 4 bridesmaids, only 2 of whom know each other, and only 1 lives anywhere near me. They are going to come the day before the wedding so they can be at the rehearsal, and that is all I expect of them.
  

  

  

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• chachadee member

  

  January 2014 edited January 2014

  We decided to have our bridesmaids and groomsmen and I am SO HAPPY about it! 

  The more I thought about my sister being the only one with me, the more I realized how much I do not want that. She didn't really get to have a wedding (got pregnant with twins so they just did a quick ceremony with immediate fam) and now the twins are 4. They'll be the flower girl and ring bearer, and in addition to a bit of jealousy and my sister overall not being a very positive or supportive person, she's going to be distracted and busy with the kids. My friends are awesome and they will make it fun and make me laugh, and relax, and really enjoy the day. My sister would probably just point out what doesn't look right, or ask me why I chose my hairstyle. (This is what she does always). I WILL include her and make her a bridesmaid, if not even title of MOH (if my fiance makes his brother his best man), but I certainly can't have her be the only one there for me. She won't be able to pick at me in front of my friends when they're all being super positive and supportive, so I'm not worried about her ruining anything for me this way or putting me in a stressed mood. As for the friend-to-bridesmaids ratio, I am over it. No one is going to be counting heads and seeing that aside from the girls standing there are only a couple other friends. And even if they were to do that, so what? It's a destination wedding, I don't think anyone expects everyone to make it. Anyway I'm in a much better place now that I made this decision, and I can tell my fiance is happy about it too. 

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